abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] tooth and nail, tooth and nail

Thanks. I know I got off pretty easy, compared to a lot of us. I didn't do anything other than that that I regret. It turns out a lot of my impulses are pretty benign.

[For the most part. Maybe if Nadine had found herself in different circumstances, if she'd been in danger more than the once...

But she hadn't been. And so her own experiences had been ones that left no damage, other than to her wallet and an outfit or two.]

But I'm glad we were able to talk about it. And we can be pretty sure it's not going to happen again. That...that isn't the kind of magic I want to have. Or use, if I did have it.

[Which she knows is a possibility. She still has no idea what Flagg may have awoken in her, when he shared that sliver of his power with her. A part of her hopes it went when he did, but she's relatively certain it doesn't work that way.]

[ Impulses? He considers. The truth is, he's not had much of a chance to talk to anyone about what happened. He knows in broad terms of the so-called gods, the omens that swept the land, but it'd been personal. Each incident. Talking about it meant opening up over his own experience, and he'd wanted to do nothing of the sort.

But he does recall Jaskier saying something about...temptations. He remembers making a confession he would not have any other time. ]

We'll have to hope so. [ He doesn't mean her. In general. None of them escaped unscathed, it seems. ] I had a—different experience. But only in the Horizon.

[ He isn't sure how to phrase it. Felt excessive emotions sounds fucking absurd, but that's essentially what happened. ]

Oh yeah? I...avoided the Horizon, once I knew something was going wrong. I heard about some pretty awful experiences though. Beyond Julie's.

[There'd been no temptation or impulse there, at least.]

Most of what I went through was in the real world. It was like...every impulse, every little 'I kind of want that...' feeling was really strong. I bought all kinds of things I didn't need and kept saying the things you usually only say in your head...

[Luckily little of it had caused any damage, dismissed as stress and nerves making themselves known. Even her uncharitable thoughts, on the whole, weren't that bad. At least the ones that had passed through her mind while afflicted.]

And...it also manifested in encouraging other people to give in to temptations.

[ His intention had been to avoid the Horizon, until Julie's disappearance. He's glad she's safe, but that they don't truly know what happened to her bothers him. He had not rescue her from anything or anyone. And it unsettles him, how little they understand of the Horizon and the Singularity. ]

Jaskier was similar. When I spoke to him briefly.

[ How much of this even has to do with the Singularity? He glances over (down) at Nadine as her pony plods along. He knows better than to ignore dreams and omens, no matter how absurd, but it's hard to know what to even make of all this. What now, after the these figures have retreated? Will they return? Have they been fed? ]

In your Horizon, afterwards—have you found something strange? Like a... [ He searches for a fitting word. ] Fucked up keepsake.

Yeah, looking back, that makes a lot of sense. I think we were amplifying each other's curse, it got...uh...intense when we were around each other.

[But ultimately still benign. Weird and intense, but benign. And at least they'd had fun.

Still. Looking back, Nadine can see how it was stronger. Not a hint of resistance, no questioning impulse and want. It hadn't been that way with Geralt or Dean or anyone else she'd exerted some kind of influence over.]

And....yeah. Yeah, I did. And it won't go away.

[ Intense, hm? Geralt does not ask, but he imagines he can guess. Nadine doesn't sound bothered by it, though, so he assumes whatever occurred, it was not something either of them regretted. ]

I'm not sure what it means. [ Can't be good, though. He regards her thoughtfully. ] I know you might want to hide it away. But try to keep an eye on it.

[ Better to know if it changes or vanishes, than to bury it and pretend it isn't there. He's kept his in his room, in a small box. So far, it hasn't moved nor altered its state. ]

Mmm.

[Nadine is quiet a moment, considering. She idly pats Dumpling's neck and glances up at Geralt.]

I think it followed me out of the Horizon, at least for a little while. I kept seeing those flowers...they'd pop up in my herb garden, in my window boxes...

[Elsewhere that don't need mentioning. But it didn't escape her notice it was the same flower. Again and again. Obviously it meant something, but she hates to dwell on these things.]

I really don't like all this dark magic stuff. I really feel like I should be done with it at this point.

[ Out? Jaskier has not mentioned that. He'll need to ask, though he isn't sure the bard is inclined to talk about it.

His eyes linger on Nadine for a second more before he looks ahead again. When he asks next, it's gently prodding. ]

Because of Flagg?

[ He does understand. He's seen—felt—the demon through Julie's eyes, when they'd been trapped in her dream together. There is an influence to him. One that he imagines that would've reminded Nadine of. ]

Yeah.

[Of course, it always goes back to Flagg. Everything she is, it all goes right back to him.]

He could do that. Influence people, make them give into dark impulses and all those little nasty thoughts we have but never intend to act on. And just generally make them do what he wanted.

[It didn't always work on everyone, she knows that much. But it worked on plenty. Nadine has the feeling it's a power he used very often, and was greatly skilled in. She doesn't even know how much he'd worked it on her, just that he surely had. She can tell by it's absence, how different things looked once he'd gone.

But it hadn't all been his influence. Plenty of it had been her choices.]

You weren't him. [ Geralt offers that quietly. ] And magic is magic. It only turns dark in the wrong hands.

[ Chaos, controlled or corrupted. That's all it is. Which begs the question of what exactly grew so corrupted that the Heralds, the blights, spread across the land. Given the amount of destruction, the continual summonings for the past year—could be anything. Who the fuck can say.

But the important part is, he doesn't want Nadine worrying about what this means for her. To Geralt, it doesn't mean anything. She had magic she didn't understand nor intend to use, and she was seeking to defend herself. ]

[Nadine's eyes stay forward, fixed on the space between her pony's ears. It's easy for Geralt to say. He doesn't know. No one does, but Julie, and Nadine's not even certain if the other woman remembers.

Maybe that's stupid, and dangerous. Or maybe it doesn't matter at all, she doesn't know. But she trusts Geralt.]

I could have been. Really easily.

[She doesn't think it's so simple, when it comes to magic. Some magic is dark, and twisted, and wrong. Hadn't Flagg implied as much, when he'd gifted her a bit of his own? Talking of the price, and how his magics changed a person.]

And I'm not talking about the powers the local god gave me the other month.

[ At first, Geralt thinks she's referring to what she did under Flagg's direction. But it sounds like more, the way she refers to powers. Doesn't it? ]

What do you mean?

[ Nadine's held secrets for a long time. Since he met her, in truth. Geralt's uncovered more than most, he imagines, but by and large, he's allowed Nadine to be. She's been good to Jaskier, to Ciri, to all of them. Who she was before that...

It's not that her past doesn't matter. Everyone's past matters. But it also doesn't change who she is now, to him. ]

If he hadn't disappeared, when he did.

[It's the safest version of the truth, Nadine thinks. Or at least the easiest way to lead into it, if it seems she should.]

I don't think it's any surprise to say that what he was and what I am aren't exactly compatible in the long run. And I knew that. When he was the entirety of my world, that was okay. The idea that I could....become like him. Because we'd be together and then I wouldn't care about what was good or bad or anything like that.

[It had seemed just a necessity. To be with him, to be able to be with him like that, as man and wife. She'd agreed to it, not tacitly but clearly and directly before he'd gone from this world.

How different things would be, had he remained. What would she be now? Who would she be? Something terrible, probably.]

[ It's a difficult thing, isn't it? To have to ask what shapes you? Geralt hasn't got an answer. Flagg found Nadine incredibly young. Even if Flagg had no magic, no power—he would hardly be the first to prey on a child to do his bidding. It doesn't take a demon for that. Just a man. ]

He did disappear. [ In the end, what-ifs are only that. A path not walked. ] You aren't like him. And I believe, were he to return, you'd no longer want what he has. No matter the mark he left behind.

[ That, Geralt does know. She isn't the same person he met. Who she may have become is not who she is now. She can't forget the past—nor should she—but he doesn't think she should let the weight of it continue to anchor her. She deserves more than that. ]

No, I don't want that now.

[Nadine is certain of that, at least. It had been a defense mechanism, in a way. Be like him and all the guilt and shame and doubt would go away. Without him, without his influence...it's all different.

She's different.]

But sometimes the fact that I'm capable of wanting that...bothers me. Which I guess is a good sign. A decent person would be bothered by that.

[ A question exists of how much Nadine can even be held responsible for the things she wanted, the things she did and tried to do—but Geralt knows it'll not ever make a difference for how she feels. There's no point in asking it. Or trying to answer it.

Absolving blame never quite helps, in his experience. It's a case of moving on how you can. ]

You are. Just as you're capable of wanting better things. [ He glances at her little pony. (Technically, a large pony.) ] Besides, your horse is fond. They have good instincts. Like I do.

[ CLOSED ] tooth and nail, tooth and nail

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