abraxaslogs | [open] january/february catchall

Entry tags:

[open] january/february catchall

Who: Viktor and special guests and YOU
When: January through early February
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: open stuff, closed stuff, dangerous and illicit magical surgery, the usual
Warnings: the usual references to terminal illness including a steep decline and medical procedures/surgery. will list additional warnings as needed.

[open and closed starters in comments! This is also a general catch-all for Viktor’s do-or-die attempt to cure himself, and the events leading up to it, and his recovery (to come later). If you want a custom starter or something specific, just hit me up. full horizon details are here for any and all wildcarding needs. For everything else, I’m on plurk at

whitticus and on discord at whitticus#8139.]

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They don't exactly have many things but he gets symbolically he's the only person to will it to anyway. Jayce leans into the kiss on his cheek, feeling the rise and fall of Viktor's chest with him this close. He's spent several nights sometimes waking up, looking over to simply make sure he's breathing. Sometimes masking his search for Viktor's reassuring pulse in his wrist for just holding his hand.

"V, I can't destroy the Hexcore but save your notes. It all has to go to be truly safe." Yes that includes a whole lot of brilliant knowledge and it is hard to miss that, although they do have sharp memories and can hide info in the Horizon if they have to, but still. If Viktor wants to be sure no one can get a hold of it, it has to die with him, if that's what happens.

Viktor knows, deep down, that Jayce is right, but he's still finding it difficult to consider the fact that the procedure might not even work, and he might be gone, and they can't even keep his notes on the Hexcore for fear the government will find them. That all of his work might still be for nothing, only carried on in what Jayce can remember of it, to maybe rebuild when it's safer.

"I know, I just--" He trails off, hands dropping into his lap and eyebrows furrowing in frustration. Surely there must be some way. A safe, a lock box, something hidden in their apartment. Some record of notes and his genius and the fact that he existed at all. "It's my life's work."

So if there's a way...if Jayce can somehow safeguard even a little of it, he wants to think it's possible, but the more sensible part of him knows it isn't worth the risk. He seems to realize this, though it leaves him slightly despondent.

"I'm sorry. I know that's too much to ask."

They both know how devastated he would be, if his work was used posthumously to build weapons or cause destruction.

Jayce knows it isn't fair and it is difficult. If someone told him he had to dismantle all of Hextech back home and it was the only way ... well, before he would have refused. After the hammer, he had different feelings about it. He loves Hextech, and the fact he can't have it here has been painful for him, but he has seen what something can do in the wrong hands. Of someone who is using it badly. He was that person.

"I know ... but you have to believe me when I say no matter what you think, it's not actually worth it if it's used the wrong way. I've already done that. I've already seen it. I'm not going to let that happen to your work." Jayce did it to their Hextech dream, but with Viktor gone, even if he wishes he could keep pieces of him, it's not going to make a difference if he has those notes or the Hexcore. Viktor's legacy isn't work to Jayce.

"Love, your legacy here, it's not going to be the Hexcore. It's going to be you. You've touched lives, you've made friends, your other inventions may seem small in comparison, but they've still meant something to the people who have them. Our work with the miners and Libertas, they aren't complete, but they will be someday, and that's something you've done too."

Jayce sighs and kisses the top of his head. "Maybe we haven't achieved great here, but we have achieved good." And that is the message he took from another Viktor.

Edited 2023-01-27 22:57 (UTC)

It's precisely the fact that Viktor knows what Jayce has done that makes him relent. Learning about his actions in the Shimmer factory has only made Viktor more sure that he never wants to see Hextech weaponized again. If he has to sacrifice any evidence at all of the incredible thing he's built, then he has to do it. He should just be thankful that Jayce is going to bring things full circle and destroy it, regardless of what happens during the procedure.

"That's unfair," he says. "Using my own words against me."

Well, not his words. Some other version of him, who perhaps saw his work misused, or created something disastrous. Neither of them will ever know what happened to that Viktor, but his hope that whatever occurred for him, back home, won't find him here.

Jayce is perfect and infuriating and although this doesn't make Viktor any less sad about the possibility of losing it all, it's somehow what he needs to hear. Viktor tilts his chin downward, hoping to capture his lips.

What's next isn't so easy to say. They both know it, but Viktor finds such weakness difficult to voice and he lets out a shuddering breath, tucking his forehead against Jayce's shoulder, as if that's going to muffle him. "I'm afraid."

"Any version of you is wise and should be listened to." They don't know what the Viktor from the timeline did, but they both know well enough to know it must have been significant. Not only to give up, but to insist Jayce destroy it. And Jayce is coming into this with his own tragic wisdom from his bad choices. He believes what he's saying completely. He won't leave any of the Hexcore functional.

He will always lean into a kiss from Viktor. Every kiss they have left is weighted and it will be up until the last one before the surgery. While they have done everything they can leading up to it, there is still a heavy risk in this. They could be prepared in every way and it's not enough. That's why this is all so daunting. He can't even tell himself he's 95% sure it'll be fine. He's more at a 65%.

Jayce knows that Viktor struggles with this kind of honesty, although he would not be the one calling any of it weakness. His heart breaks at that confession and he hugs him tighter, both arms wrapped around his thin frame now.

"I know." He swallows down the pain lodged in his throat. "I am too." Not the same kind of fear, because Jayce will be left without him, but he'll still be alive. Viktor will just be gone. Forever. "It's okay to be afraid, love."

"I don't know about that."

Viktor is smart, yes, though he's not sure he considers himself very wise. People like Heimerdinger certainly didn't make him feel that way, with all of his talk about how Viktor and Jayce didn't fully understand the dangers of their technology. Patronizing, now that he's had some separation from it, but given what Jayce has been through, maybe partially correct. Viktor doesn't necessary feel wise, going into this.

He doesn't want to distress Jayce any more than is necessary, but Viktor knows by now that it's worse for him if he leaves all these feelings unvoiced. It's okay to be scared--they both are, and he can be thankful that, at least for now, neither of them have to do it alone.

For once, he finds himself choked up. Viktor rarely cries, but he supposes that if it has to happen, this is a worthy occasion for it. They've done everything they can to ensure that the procedure will be a success, but even the thought that it might not be hurts in a way he wasn't sure he was capable of feeling. He doesn't want to die. The thought of it, and of leaving Jayce, is unbearable.

Viktor can't answer. He buries his face in Jayce's chest, arms around his shoulders, holding him close.

Jayce cries more regularly due to his heightened emotions and vulnerable state, but that makes it no less severe when facing the fear of what might happen on the other end of this. And how terrifying the thought is of going about his life alone. But it is far rarer to see Viktor this way, it is the only time he thinks he has, and it only makes him hold him tighter.

"I loved you from the moment you told me to crank it, and I will love you until the day I die."

Acknowledging that it is possible that day will be long from when he loses Viktor. He doesn't doubt it though. If he ends up living another fifty years, he has no doubt in his mind, he will still love this man. Normally he would follow that up by reassuring them both again this will work, but it feels like this is not the conversation that needs his aggressive optimism. This is the 'it may happen and we have to deal with that' conversation.

"This should have never happened to you. This universe is so much better for having you in it."

Viktor shudders in Jayce's arms, trying to stifle the worst of it, but they both know it's pointless. He's allowed to feel this way--he's allowed to seek comfort, even though he knows it's too much to ask. What matters is that they're here for each other, and Jayce makes that known immediately. He's heard this before, of course--Jayce isn't stingy with his feelings, but the conviction and the sheer belief he has in the two of them is overwhelming.

Just like in the Council room, the day they first met, Viktor is won over by Jayce's passion. They have to do this, and he has to survive this, because there is no alternative.

After a moment, he emerges from the embrace, taking Jayce's face in his hands, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks. "We have a real chance." Viktor wants to sound braver than he feels, even as he somewhat unsuccessfully blinks away the wetness in his eyes. "But if the worst happens, you have to live your life. As completely and fully as you can. Promise me."

Edited 2023-01-30 03:19 (UTC)

Jayce holds him through it, thinking it probably is for the best that Viktor allow himself to feel this way, and that is exactly what their relationship is for. So they can both be vulnerable with one another and take comfort. He is glad that they've reached a point where Viktor does feel safe with him this way, that he can let himself purge the sadness and fear. He feels so small in Jayce's arms and it only makes him want to keep him closer, wrap him into his larger embrace.

He lets Viktor take his face, his own tears wet on his cheeks, and Jayce knows what Viktor is trying to do. There is a part of him that rejects the very idea of ever moving on. Ever finding happiness again, whether with another person, or in his life in general. He can only ever see sadness without Viktor, the loss of the other half that can't be replaced. At least he hasn't gone to that dark place again, where living without him seems impossible. He knows that isn't what Viktor would ever want for him, and it would be betraying him to waste his life. So he won't consider it.

"I can't see a future without you. I just ... can't." He isn't meaning that in the bad way, it's just how Jayce is sometimes, and he knows that Viktor knows what he means. Jayce is always so forward-thinking, he can imagine a hundred different directions his life can take, but it just always requires Viktor in it. He's not rejecting the idea of moving on, it's simply not possible for him to think that way right now.

He cups Viktor's face in his hand, brushing his thumb against his mole by his lip. "I will try if I have to, I promise."

He knows that there's no easy answer to this, and that in many ways asking Jayce to move on is an impossible ask. Viktor won't press--he thinks he'd be more eloquent about it in writing, anyway, so instead on trying to force the issue, he falls silent, pressing his lips to Jayce's and running his fingers through his hair.

"I know. It's hard to imagine." Too hard for him to even have this conversation, because they have the best chance they could possibly carve out for themselves and he doesn't want to say goodbye. "You don't have to, not right now."

For Jayce, this might just be a bridge he has to cross if and when they get there. Ideally, he won't ever have to face the reality of a future without Viktor. He won't, not if Viktor has anything to say about it.

"I'm here." He's here, taking Jayce's hands in his and guiding him down to his chest, where he can hold him properly. "I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way."

Jayce doesn't want to be like his mother, forever unable to move on from the ghost of the only man she could see herself with. But he also thinks it's probable that is who he will be. Maybe they both just love too hard. But there are a lot of rewarding things about life that he can focus on in the future. That will have to be enough. It's not something he wants to consider.

"And I'll do everything I can to keep you." Jayce would probably drain out all his magic and his energy and his own lifeforce to give it to Viktor if he could. Maybe he even will. He goes back to holding Viktor against him and lets the quiet continue from there, and their comfort, cold or otherwise, stay between them.

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[open] january/february catchall

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Can wrap on this one and I'll jump to the other