Istredd (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magicalarchaeologist) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxaslogs2023-04-03 05:45 pm
magicalarchaeologist) wrote in abraxaslogs2023-04-03 05:45 pm
Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire
WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments
Starters Below!
If you want a specific starter message waftingcurtains on plurk or go wildcard!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments
no subject
Lucifer knows intimacy; he's used it as a deception for so many of his vessels, even when he was burning rapid-fire through anyone that could hold him for moments. It was always so easy, more simple than offering power, or revenge. Just dressing up as a loved one and playing at the heartstrings until they broke.
He took those emotions and made people bleed for him. Who was that blonde? Doesn't matter. She took a knife to her skin and carved her flesh just to 'show' her love for 'Vince' and Lucifer soaked up all the adoration, worship, even if it was for his host. Desperation to please, enough to put her in the hospital.
It's easy to put distance between him and other people when literally none of them--Kelly especially--ever knew it was him. The devil, lurking under the shadow of false identity.
He's never had to deal with someone knowing him.
Oh, he wants to just opt for misunderstanding. Talk up Istredd's value in general.
He knows it isn't what Istredd's looking for.
That doesn't mean he has an answer.
His lack of grace has made him so close to human that it's stomach-turning. Less himself, less angelic, and it opens their kind up to the same things humans feel, experience. Hunger, cold, loneliness.
Vulnerability.
It's a wonder humans can cope with all the loudness in their minds; Lucifer sure hasn't. To have fear so overwhelming for so many weeks. Istredd was supposed to die. He was planning to die. Because to him he saw himself as expendable. Because to him that's how he could prove to be useful in saving everyone else.
Because he isn't accustomed to people caring about what happens to him, same as Lucifer.
"I don't know," he says, adding to the pile of how many times he's said those exact words to Istredd. "But it's unparalleled."
no subject
A main difference is the lack of complications and backstory. Not to say they don't have complications, the two of them have gone over quite a lot of things together, but they were new to each other. Their bonding was in a sincere and brand new way, finding one another from opposite sides of the universe. He believes Lucifer and it is a compliment like nothing else. He is important to someone. Vitally important. His heart beats faster, hungry for so many things, and validation is one of them, fed.
"Lucifer, I ---" He wants to pour out his heart and tell him the truth, the truth that everyone else already knows. He keeps avoiding it out of fear, but he is so tired of being afraid. A true love confession probably wouldn't go over well anyway.
He runs his thumbs in a caress against Lucifer's cheeks like the last time but he is holding on tighter, not wanting to lose this. And then Istredd just gives up. He lets the bond communicate the mess of feelings, maybe not the words, but the feelings that are far past friendship. The mixture of want and need and desire that he's been guilty about even now because of how unwanted it would be. The pain of unrequited affection.
Maybe if Lucifer wants to brush it off and say it's emotions from what happened, he can, if he puts that space between them again, Istredd can't stop him, but all he can think about is that he wants to be closer. Closer, closer, closer. He finishes all that emotional honesty up with guilt again, a release of a burden that was never asked for. And yet he is pathetically hopeful too. Because he could be wrong. What if he's wrong? What if it's not only him?
"I want to kiss you, but only if you want me to." On a whisper. This is terrifying in its own way because of how much he is putting out there and how brutal the rejection could be. And yet, after he says it, after he's expressed his feelings, even if they are unwanted and hated, there is a rush of relief.
Either way, it's over. It can't be taken back, although it can be dialed back and pushed aside and stifled again.
no subject
But it's all such a mental trashfire and it hides Lucifer's doubts. Despite the barrage of complicated emotions from Istredd's end, it's easily misconstrued when it gets to Lucifer. Crossed wires, the similarity bleed between Lucifer and Yennefer; and Yennefer isn't here, but Lucifer is, vulnerable with an equally vulnerable Istredd who just has a need to be filled.
Wrong place, wrong time.
He's never the one anyone would purposefully choose.
He's seconds from messaging Yennefer to properly deal with this, but why shouldn't he be selfish? Istredd knows what he is, it's not Lucifer's fault that he indulges.
So screw it.
He'll deal with the emotional consequences of his actions later. Or, more likely, he won't and it'll bottle up unhealthily. Same difference, isn't it?
He reaches up both his own hands, nails dragged across skin, over Istredd's collarbone to wrap behind his neck and pull him in that last small distance left between them, teeth before lips meeting Istredd.
no subject
It wouldn't occur to him that Lucifer could have doubts. Istredd thinks he is being so obvious, so pathetic throwing all his feelings out there. They could be unwelcome and annoying to Lucifer. He didn't ask for this, for his roommate to catch feelings and push them at him like this. And yet because it's them, he trusts Lucifer. He might be an emotional trashfire, this angel of his, but he has never intentionally hurt Istredd. Even if this goes poorly, he wouldn't be so cruel.
He is so tense as he waits for a decision. He is truly surprised by what that is, since his hopes seemed so ridiculous, and then Lucifer's mouth is on his and he sinks into it. Istredd didn't expect gentle in this situation and he frankly doesn't want it, there are too many feelings going on, and he wants to empty his mind. He wants to feel this.
Istredd kisses him back fiercely, leaning into him, fingers sliding through his hair, the other hand dropping to his shirt to dig in and hold him close like he's afraid of how fast he'll disappear. He has wanted this for months, wallowing in his longing, and it's his now.
Lucifer, the name a far gentler caress in his mind than the greedy way he's holding onto him. A softness to his feelings that aren't as selfish as his hunger. Istredd's got it so bad. I want you. And Lucifer can sense the force of that, layers and all, not only one thing like desire, which is simple, but adoration too. Everything. He wants everything.
no subject
It's the adoration that turns the switch off from Lucifer's shitty self-loathing thoughts. Always would be the trigger. It's what he longs for most, seeks out, claws out of the dregs of humanity for just a lick of it. He may not believe the accuracy of Istredd's other tangled emotions, but he latches into that one strand and allows himself to let go of control until his exhaustion will give a nasty reminder.
His mind buzzes and skitters, nothing new. Unfocused, only humming in response to Istredd's words.
One hand still pricks fingernails at Istredd's neck, five small grounding points, curling in deeper. Knuckles from the second run along Istredd's spine until he finds the dulled ache of his side that had tripped through their minds. Skimming under clothing and splaying a chilled touch against the remembered injury, nearly tender, far more than Lucifer's teeth dragging from Istredd's mouth and along his chin.
no subject
Istredd doesn't know if he's special or if he had taken something Lucifer said and run with it, assuming all this time that he was a closed door on this matter. It is why he has been so tentative and now it seems that particular concern never mattered. He wishes that he could have Lucifer's connection right then though, he wants the confirmation of shared desire, although the actions are saying something.
Their touching has been so limited that the movement of Lucifer's hands under his clothing makes him shiver regardless of his touch being cold, starved for it himself. It does make it ache a little at the touch but the tenderness is the true surprise. He sucks in a breath sharply between that and Lucifer's teeth on his chin and his fingers clench in Lucifer's hair.
"Do you...?" Istredd sighs and his grip tightens and he pulls Lucifer's head back to look at him, a little more forceful than someone might expect. Istredd has claws and passion, it's just pushed under the composure. His hand releases Lucifer's shirt to slide under, taking advantage since Lucifer did it first, his fingers far warmer as they moved over his spine.
"You want this, right? I can't ... I can't read you." Lucifer's actions are saying so but maybe Istredd is insecure too, that he could be just as unsure if Lucifer's being swept up in desperation. He falls in love with people who are withholding, so he craves reassurance even now.
no subject
The problem is that he does want it.
It would be so, so much easier if he didn't.
Give or take a few months, Lucifer's quickly coming up on a year being in Abraxas and starved from his grace that it's made him into just another version of himself that he didn't like. Always versions that he doesn't like, but this one... This one hurt the most. The version that had to adapt, pulled away from everything he ever knew and really, this should be better.
There's a very small percentage of people that know what he's done, what he's never and will never apologize for. There's a handful of people that understand his name, understand his title, and for the most part they see it as a misfortune, for him. Piss-poor parentage and a bad hand drawn. It's what he wanted. All the slights he's ever made on humanity just to be balled up and tossed in a waste bin.
He's been taking things for himself but it all seems like wicked tricks. Stealing something that doesn't belong to him, like he should be cackling in an alleyway, all cartoonish evil.
He was never supposed to be allowed any of this; and not just him, but all angels. Look from above, never interact. Love, never interact. So separate from Daddy's spinning marble, but oh, you'd better worship.
"Yes, well, I told you I needed time to recover my mind in Thorne and it's been, what, a few days? So, really, that's on you. You know what I do want? I want sleep. But for just a few, fleeting moments, if you can stop talking, that can wait." He chases into Istredd's space after he's withdrawn but he doesn't completely close the distance again. Kiss me, Istredd, he instructs mentally.
no subject
It happened accidentally. All of his relationships here did. He told people before that just being here requires change, and he likes to analyze other people according to that theory, but it's true of him too. And here he is in the type of situation where it could be awkward but Lucifer is dryly talking at him instead of answering the question, and Istredd actually rolls his eyes as if it was any of their other conversations.
"You are lucky that I want to kiss you more than I want to point out that you didn't answer my question." Istredd smiles at him despite the waspish words, a part of him maybe liking that they are still being them in the midst of this, and he closes the distance eagerly this time. An arm slings around Lucifer's back and he pulls him, wanting as little space between them as he can get, greedy and selfish.
Make me shut up then, he challenges, still smiling. He parts his lips, drawing Lucifer in, wanting to stop thinking too. A terrible night turning into something wonderful is frankly the type of thing that might make him question if this is real later.
no subject
He debates locking that information up in the same hidden depths where the truth of his son exists.
Maybe he won't. Lucifer's feelings Istredd may try to track down.
He has no reason to look for anything about Jack and Lucifer needs to keep it that way, much as he loathes to.
"I do like a challenge," he answers in amusement, no sign of his continual inner turmoil. But honestly. His mouth resumes where he left off before Istredd interrupted them. I do think that is impossible. Istredd being capable of shutting up. It's said with the utmost kindness, of course. He hums again, and grins, and though his thoughts are as messy as they are, the mischievousness manages to spread through.
He'll regret it later when it catches up to him, but power laces through his veins, drawn up, eyes a brief red firelight. Likely unneeded; his angelic strength alone is naturally enough to overpower Istredd, but in an instant he has Istredd on his back and Lucifer smoothing over atop him, yet so impossibly aware and careful of that injury.
Still need to be between you and the door, he lulls in offering, that gleam flickering and fading.
no subject
The tease is fun. There is a lightness to them, hanging on top. Part of his hesitance has always been about not ruining their beautiful friendship, and that could still happen, but the dam burst. Friendship as a foundation makes this smoother. He knows him. He knows so many details no one else ever can. Yet nothing slowed him down.
He laughs quietly and hums his own agreement. Shutting up is not an easy request. His hands move over Lucifer's torso just enjoying the freedom. Istredd gets to do this for now. After months of lusting after him, he can be open about it. Not only that, it's welcome.
Istredd is surprised by the sudden change but in no way resists, he completely puts himself into Lucifer's hands, settling back and letting Lucifer climb on him like the cat he is. The playfulness about the safety of being like this only means he gives a flirtatious smile back. My protector. His tone is droll.
Then Istreed is arching up toward him and tugging him down, no space at all between them, radiating heat himself. Lucifer runs cold but Istredd is a furnace at the moment, warmer than the rest of their room. He touches his back and digs his nails in a little so he feels it, lowering down and snagging the bottom of his shirt. He slowly lifts it in a clearly suggestive way, wanting it off, his hands simply twitchy with need to get all over him. If allowed, he will pull it off, but if not he doesn't take it personally. This is all so brand new.
He tilts a foot around Lucifer at the knee, planning on squeezing when he wants to keep him. He isn't thinking clearly. He is only listening to his body. "You are so attractive." Talking in this way should be allowed. It's not critical, it's compliments. He desires. This can't the only chance. Istredd won't allow it now that he's had a taste. This is not his real form, he knows that, but he has seen that and admired it too. That form probably would not be able to do this. Allow a human to lust, maybe even have it.
He pushes up toward Lucifer and pulls his head down at the same time for another kiss, drowning in it. Lucifer, he says on a soft sigh. Haven't stopped me from thinking yet. A further challenge in their little mischievous game, two can play at that.
congrats to waking up to another round of Lucifer's Existential Crises
'You are so attractive.' Simple, nonsense, from anyone else. Not a misguided fool issue. Even an Istredd not-firing-on-all-cylinders wouldn't be so lost to forget Lucifer's personal issues with form and appearance, and that he can feel, just under the surface layers of Emotion.
So the more Istredd gets words in--short, nearly pointless--the more Lucifer's created narrative doesn't quite fit and that's.
Alarming.
Because he knows he's right. He has to be. It's what makes the most sense. Lucifer wants something, ergo he's disallowed. Istredd isn't in the most stable state, using him--though certainly not on purpose--as a replacement for Yennefer, because they're practically the same person most days, and she is not here right now. Istredd will eventually wake up and realize the mistake and that'll be that.
It's how this is supposed to go. Lucifer indulges, gets some fun in while it lasts, and then it's up in smoke.
Lucifer...
Doesn't like being wrong. Even if it's in his benefit. He puts a lot of value in being right and that's quickly crumpling under his hands despite losing himself in the warmth of Istredd's touch.
He needs to take a step back and look at this from an angle that he'd really prefer not to, as that involves the sole problem with everything that is currently happening. Gee, Istredd, maybe if you didn't forget you were bonded when you slept with someone that was definitely intent to lay claim, this would also be simpler. (Maybe if Lucifer had ever brought up That Moment instead of burying it down with everything else, this would also be simpler.)
Billions of years and he's never been so hot at playing an adult.
He licks and presses his tongue in right under Istredd's chin, sucking at the pulse point, hands both moving around to cup his face much like he had done to Lucifer. You keep adding rules like that, he sings, though Istredd might catch just the faintest flutter that something is off. And I might have to make a scoreboard.
He pulls his mouth away and rests his forehead to Istredd's, breathing unevenly as he looks into his eyes. "I can stop you thinking," he says, as though he's accepted another challenge, only his gaze is revealing. He knows it is. He smiles, brief. Sorry, he murmurs. He means it. Before Istredd can question it, Lucifer brushes pointer and middle fingers feather-light against Istredd's temple, and drops him completely, blackout, into unconsciousness.
The small mercy: this way Istredd will actually sleep without thinking.
Lucifer groans, displeased, his own mind now abysmally quiet, and flops down alongside Istredd. Pauses. Shuffles. Pulls out awkwardly the pillow that had ended up somewhere beneath Istredd, and shoves it under the man's head, and then he resumes his position alongside him.
"I hate you," he says, loudly, folding his arms over his own face. He throws his voice, imitating Istredd, "'You don't.'" Lucifer grumbles. "You can't possibly..."
He has to know for sure and the person to ask is not Istredd himself. Funny how that works out. He's sure Istredd will take some offense to that. But there's also a little 'issue' on claim to settle and two equally-obtuse people need to learn to share. May as well get both problems out of the way. "Where did I go wrong? That's the big question here."
Is he talking to an unconscious body? Yes. Shut up. He's processing something and psyching himself up for something else.
"My life was easy before I met you, you know."
Was it, though? No. Just different problems.
He sighs. Bemoans his existence for the umpteenth time, stretches his arms out above him, and then messages Yennefer. Which is going to be real fun if she's not awake in these pre-dawn hours, but with how difficult all the Summoned have been dealing with sleep, he thinks he has good chances.
And, anyway, he can easily keep Istredd knocked out until he has his chat.
i couldn't resist shhh
Attractive as a word can't even encompass all he desires when he looks at Lucifer.
He has this though. He does, somehow. Lucifer on top of him, close, their bodies pressed together, a fantasy he thought impossible. Warm, solid, his mouth sending shivers down his spine. Istredd's near-death experience got him here, taking the risk, being rewarded, and he holds Lucifer possessively to him.
In the haze of desire he can detect something off in the way Lucifer sings. The look in his eyes is very revealing. Lucifer? He questions in a baffled tone, and by the time he hears sorry it's already too late. Any response is impossible, he's out.
There will be a reckoning.
no subject
And even before those thoughts finish, he's speaking aloud, almost subdued, "You know I'm not very strong, right? You lament so much, afraid you're as weak as many mistake you to be, but you're just lying to yourself like the rest of us."
If Istredd tries to move, Lucifer will not allow him.
The strange thing is Lucifer's mind is much more normalized now than before. It begs the question: how long has Istredd been out?
There is faint coloring of the sky outside their window.
But because his mind is so steady Istredd will be able to tell that there's a wall up between them. The thing is, it's not to block Istredd from Lucifer's mind, but to block Istredd's from Lucifer's. There is a loose indication surrounding it about that very purpose.
"I understand what will be your need for wrathful fury, but let me talk first, will you? I need you to understand, Istredd."
He's keeping his eyes straight ahead, thumbnail picking at his other nails.
"I hardly expect you to be purposefully cruel. But I also found it hard to believe that you were thinking rationally. It's not about trust. I trust you--on a normal, non-traumatized, non-emotional state from... whatever this is. Was, maybe."
He has a permanence problem, alright.
"And if I asked you... it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong in my initial assumption... the pit of emotions that I would have brought into being from you were not going to give me the answer I needed. And I needed an answer. And I needed someone to tell me--not in the words, but the motivation behind the words--that I was being completely, and utterly, goddamn stupid. And there is only one person that I trust to do that."
no subject
Lucifer? he murmurs a question, confused at first, his brain feeling hazy and full of cobwebs. This is not his bed, he knows that much, it smells like Lucifer, and there are legs on him. It is all very confusing and surreal, his mind taking an extra second or two to jar back. His eyebrows furrow as his eyes blink open, half-hearing Lucifer talking.
And then it hits him abruptly. The bed. The moment before he passed out, when Lucifer's forehead was to his, and he questioned Lucifer's name in the same way. He flushes all at once at the memory of Lucifer on him, warm and solid, joking about staying between him and the door. Their kisses both desperate and lingering, all of it seeming like something out of a dream, but he knows in his gut it was real. But there is no way that he fell asleep naturally with Lucifer finally desiring him, and that clicks into place. Sorry, Lucifer murmured in his head.
Lucifer is completely correct. He sits up abruptly and looks at him. Fury immediately floods him and his jaw clenches, his blue-eyed gaze pure ice and narrowed at him. It feels like a violation but it's also baffling, it's hurtful. Did he not want it? Was it a distraction so he could make him sleep? Was this some kind of a sick game? He'd never played Istredd before and the thought he might have could make him sick. He tries to move and push him away but Lucifer's much stronger.
Then there is the mental block happening which means his intense feelings aren't actually getting through and he mentally kicks against that wall, angry about that as well. He slams against it harder than he's ever done before out of sheer frustration, but not enough to crack it. He wants to pull that wall down and force him to feel his fury but also his pain and confusion too, the betrayal that is stemming as an automatic reaction to something he can't understand yet.
He sucks in a sharp breath and considers tossing things at Lucifer from the other side of the room until he let him move. To what? Storm out of the room? Shout at him? Probably. Instead he is properly stuck and his fingers curl into a fist, definitely considering punching him in his stupid face. Yet it's Lucifer and him, so despite the pit in his stomach, he is going to let him talk.
"You need a much better fucking explanation than that, Lucifer. Who would you even ----"
The incredulity and anger takes a turn to be still between them but also up a notch mixed with a little bit of horror. Yennefer. He means Yennefer. He knocked Istredd out and talked to her about what, about them kissing? Istredd puts his head in his hands and just sits with that for a moment. It is embarrassing. It is so outrageously stupid and she is going to laugh at him about it. He is going to have to deal with that later.
"Yennefer already knows, you idiot." He looks at Lucifer through his fingers and just. Hates him a little bit for this entire situation he put them in. "She knows, like everyone else that has ever met us knows. How could you think -- why would you assume!" Istredd lies back down on the bed to give himself a second to process.
"I've felt this way for months."
no subject
That's likely his answer to Yennfer's 'I am going to assume you and Istredd finally fucked.' Well. She's going to be even more annoyed than she was already.
Lucifer doesn't care. Much.
(He absolutely cares. He wasn't lying when he said he respected her. But it had to be her.)
It's been hours. His conversation with Yennefer only took moments. Lucifer has spent more conscious time on his mind than he has in over a month. The fatigue is hitting him just from renewed not sleeping, adding on the weariness from those pesky things like emotions.
"Gee, I don't know, Istredd, maybe because the most intense feelings I've ever felt from you is when you slept with Yennefer," he fires back, out of tune.
Not talking about the bond crashed out, it was only a matter of time before this did, too. It shouldn't have mattered. He didn't think it would. He assumed he could've just rode it out with his zero acknowledgment to the dizzying punch of emotions, but here they are. Again. Again and again it isn't even Lucifer purposefully pushing boundaries as it usually is. It's just. His own failings. At understanding.
He puts his hands over his head at the rattling wall between them. "If I feel anymore rage I'm going to be sick," he admits. Like reaching that level of intoxication and just losing it all. Hopped up on it as much as he was--for other people, not himself--his grace roils at even the thought of his mind touching Istredd's and he shivers. Feels a spike of his own again and forces it away. Istredd, Yennefer--do they not get it? He wasn't going to ask Yennefer to teach him or whatever bullshit but he doesn't know. How the hell is he supposed to know?
The closest any angel could come to it is maybe Gabe--who is very much dead, courtesy of Lucifer--or Castiel, in his eternal, suffering, pining. He is not having this conversation with Castiel!!
"I thought fine, I can handle being a temporary replacement. I can handle just... being the one present." He laughs, and it cracks, and ruins completely the odd endearment they had picked up, "A placeholder." He glances towards Istredd for the first time and even that feels like too much, too close to the one emotion he thought built him and he wants nothing to do with. "And then you kept talking... and I realized I might be wrong. But why would I talk to you. I don't--"
He breaks off, and releases Istredd from the hold he put him in by flying a blip across the room to sit on Istredd's bed, leaned over, sinking his hands into his own hair.
As much as he doesn't want to, as nauseous as it makes him, he brings the wall down. All his churning thoughts, without static. That Istredd would wake up and realize that Lucifer, as close as he is, as much as there is a bleed of similarities between them, is not Yennefer.
Millennia of abandonment and inadequacy and Lucifer's indescribable feeling for Istredd just lingering on Lucifer's surface thoughts and it's not enough. He knows what he did. And there's that quiet part of him that thinks he's justified but he knows he screwed up. But it isn't just that he thought he needed Yennefer's rationale that's rooting around through his thoughts, it's that he didn't need Istredd's kindness. If Lucifer was correct in his assumption he couldn't handle Istredd's kindness.
"Just do whatever you have to," Lucifer says to the floor. Yell, scream, throttle me. Just do it.
no subject
Why talk about that when it didn't matter? It also was about a part of him wanting Lucifer's jealousy just like he'd wanted it from Yennefer. Istredd is far from innocent here, he can be difficult too, maybe even a little manipulative at times. When he has feelings like this, they can be very irrational and strong, and he gets pulled out of his composure. It's why he is so deeply attracted to people who cause that, thus putting himself off kilter.
His anger slips away, always so hard to keep, the moment Lucifer calls himself a placeholder. Istredd looks genuinely surprised because it never would have occurred to him. "I would never do that. Wait, don't, Luci---" He had been struggling to get up a moment ago and now that he's free, he wishes Lucifer hadn't flown away. The distance between them stretches on from more than the concept of space. But he'd been afraid he would legitimately disappear, so at least he's staying.
The wall comes down and Istredd feels like the emotions are blending in so well they might as well be his. "No, no, no." Istredd shoots up from the bed and crosses to Lucifer in a second, kneeling down in front of him. Istredd is distressed at those terrible feelings especially since so many are assuming things about him, about them, and he pushes at him something strong and real.
This is more than adoration or affection or amusement, it's powerful and painful and if Lucifer's never felt love before, it may not make sense to him, but it can't be held back anymore. It's not kindness or pity or anger, it's pure and he has been holding back so long it might be a little much. Istredd reaches out with gentle shaking hands to touch his head, his knee, trying to give him comfort.
"I'm sorry, I should have known. I'm sorry." He knows Lucifer so well and yet he was willfully blind because of his own feelings. "This has nothing to do with Yennefer or anyone else. I kissed you because I want you. I --- fuck it, why am I still afraid?" That is said more to himself, frustrated, but it's true, he feels fear, but he breathes through it. "I love you. Please don't run, I just -- I can't help it."
That's where the fear comes from, that this will be too much, that he's gone over the line. Attraction they can admit to, affection, desire, those are all reasonable, but this is a lot. Istredd knows that, it's why he's been hiding it. Lucifer barely can handle caring for people, he probably doesn't want to think about something this strong, but. It's the truth.
no subject
What, really, does that say about him? About God, about Michael?
He expected violence and the shock at its absence is palpable. Ringing chasms between them. He just sinks lower into himself, hands moving from his hair to his neck, arms crossed at its back.
He doesn't understand, that much is clear. The little bits of his thoughts wafting through.
He knows love. He does. For his Father, certainly. The concrete, unquestionable love. That's normal, isn't it?
He knows love. For his siblings. Transcending rational thought. All-encompassing. So close to duty but it was always more than that. Always, but so shattered by Lucifer himself. As most things are. It's easier to break things than keep them together.
Maybe the closest approximation to love he's felt is the lust Istredd had for Yennefer, and that's really how they're in this closed loop of time. How they're stuck here because Lucifer doesn't know how to separate the scope of the world from himself. So accustomed to picking people apart, finding their weaknesses and extrapolating on them and damning every single soul he had contact with.
"You can't," he says in weak response, refusing to pull out of the bundle he's put himself in. There's enough self-hatred pouring off of Lucifer to bathe the entire room. Every single title tacked to him, few self-given. Just splat against the walls like their multitude of wards. Many only Wanda has heard actually spoken.
The Devil. Satan. Serpent. Deceiver. Great Big Bag of Dicks. Dark Prince. Fallen One. Abomination. Prince of Darkness. The Adversary. Dark Lord. King of Lies. Heaven's Most Hated. The Dark Angel. Lord of Flies. Father of Lies. King Snake.
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
He's fine, isn't he?
It's what he's told himself for a month, isn't it?
He's so close to running. It'd be easy. He knows now that he can wall off Istredd, no matter how unhealthy it feels. He could run, throw up a wall, and just be gone, as much as anyone in Thorne can.
He doesn't. He stays put, as much as it grates on his nerves.
"Why would you know," he forces out, because he can't just keep stewing in his thoughts, "we don't talk, Istredd." They figured that out in Nocwich, didn't they? So much spoken, but never enough, right?
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He knows what he feels is real. He doesn't expect Lucifer to say it back or even feel it back, this situation is not contingent on it being mutual. Istredd said what he meant, he spoke from the heart. It's out there. He finds himself not regretting it despite Lucifer seeming to struggle with the confession. He tentatively brushes his fingers through Lucifer's hair, nervous about this tension. Is he still allowed to touch him? He wants to, he wants his hands all over Lucifer. He'll settle for this. He still knees before him.
"I can," he counters. "I didn't talk about it because of what you said some time ago, about how you don't hook up like humans do." Istredd can see now that it could have several meanings, such as Lucifer doesn't care for one night stands. All this time he took it to me a flat truth, too difficult of a hurdle.
"So I accepted it was impossible and dealt with it." Hid it, stuffed it down, longed for him from afar. He couldn't talk about something he wasn't allowed to have.
"I've never talked to anyone more than you. We've already been domestic partners. All we'd have to do is make it official if you wanted." Istredd makes it sound so easy to obtain but his breath is practically caught, held to know if this is possible. "But Lucifer, I need you to put me out of my misery if you don't want me. I spent all this time waiting and hoping, and to get this close and lose it, it's hard to swallow." If he has to swallow it down he will. Losing his friendship is too terrible a thought. After everything they went through.
He's giving him an out and hoping he will ignore it. "What do you want to talk about? Yennefer? Our reunion was a surprise that's why I didn't shield you in time. We'd struggled before about that making it clear to one another where we were." Lucifer might remember that in the start he bitterly said she didn't care about him. They are far past that. "Once we did, we were able to talk through it and get to a good place. And to be frank, you say all the time you two are similar, and you have some personality traits in common, but you aren't the same person. You are both your own person. I love you for different reasons."
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And yet he's learned.
Oh, he's hated that he's learned.
He tries to remember what he said to Istredd. What they were talking about.
Yennefer, of course.
Of course.
"I didn't think I was," he says, his mind on the memory. Interested. In people. In hooking up. The Human Things. "You'll do well to remember I didn't think I'd care about people at the time either," he adds, a bit of a whine making it through, so there's still some sign of him there in all his moroseness.
That was proven very, very wrong. Very recently. He cared about a handful of people and all of Thorne knew it, and then some. Any aloof representation he had was far out of anyone's mind.
"Before the negotiations." Because that, right there, matters significantly to Lucifer, and it isn't just because of everything that happened with the bond itself.
'You'll have to excuse me for my bluntness, but fuck them.'
"I don't want to talk about Yennefer I'm pretty sure she's going to stab me the next time I see her, if I'm honest."
As though there's much else left that they should have talked about after their bond and Yennefer, leaving only Lucifer's issues with family and how he fears even after Istredd's assurances that nothing will change, it's still there. His possessiveness. Michael, fine, that was easy. Lucifer could share Istredd with Michael because what would Michael even do with that.
Castiel previously would be the most human out of any of them. The most watered-down angel. Surface level too long, attached to his charge. Sure, he's unlikely to find another human to lash himself to, but that friendship still rankles Lucifer's nerves. Like something Castiel says will change them, even though Lucifer's been impossibly honest with Istredd about the things he's done and how he has no regrets. It's still there, irrational. But he doesn't mention it.
Lucifer hasn't recoiled from Istredd's touch. He hasn't reacted, either, so not a winning argument one way or the other, but Lucifer's generally been clear when he doesn't want something, always withdrawing or putting space with a tasteless comment.
"How do you keep asking me questions I don't have any answer to," he says. "No one else does this." Except maybe Wanda, but he feels like it's been awhile since he said those three, loathed 'I don't know' words to her. Istredd keeps. Consistently. Drawing them out of him and he doesn't want to say them again despite the uncertainty trailing around in his mind.
For all that he said they don't talk, Lucifer doesn't want to talk.
Well. He doesn't have to, does he?
You're mine. He'd told Lenore as much. Again, that possessiveness. Not a tool, not a resource, certainly not someone to stand between him and a blade-wielding revenge-hopped maniac. I don't not want you. That's not helpful. Eugh. He withdraws slightly from the crouch he's been held in to look at Istredd. I just don't know if it's the way you need me to.
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It's also about being a nobody. It will always be a little bit about that. He is surrounded by extraordinary people and he doesn't feel like one of them. Lucifer's famous (for bad things, but still), an archangel with more power he can ever understand. His doubts about himself are still there, his self-esteem only slightly better than Lucifer's own. He doesn't hate himself but he thinks he is ordinary, boring. This all started because Lucifer kept seeming to find him interesting, special, wanted to protect him and chose his counsel over others.
"You're the one bringing her into this. I'd be happy for her to be out of our relationship from here on out." Not that he won't talk to her and clear some things up, he will do that. They are much better at communicating now and Lucifer did start this. But after that, he wants this to be his.
"I'm sorry but if we're going to make our way through this, we have to ask and answer questions. Otherwise we are going to keep having these problems where we're assuming things about each other." So clarification has to happen. It's not something Lucfier likes, he understands that, Istredd is more of a talker. He still avoided this out of his own fears about losing it. He continues to gently run his fingers through Lucifer's hair.
I don't not want you. Istredd sighs because it's still not enough. It isn't confirmation, it isn't reassurance. He understands he is asking so much from him but at the same time, it seems like the less they can be clear, the harder it will be to navigate this. He stays where he is, dropping his hand from Lucifer to look at his face. Eyes flicker to his lips, wanting more than anything to kiss him again, but he forces himself to look back up.
I'm going to tell you what I want. I want to be with you as more than friends. We don't have to label it or pick a title, I don't care about that. Mostly the big changes will be acknowledging our feelings and being comfortable with them, and, well. Istredd is old and has done this a few times before yet he still feels a little shy and awkward. But he started this. He flushes slightly all the same.
I want physical intimacy. I want to kiss you, and touch you, and have sex. It's not a dealbreaker if you aren't into it, but I want to be clear. I've been lusting after you for months. He has hidden it pretty well and only checked out Lucifer or admired him when he didn't notice. But it has been there the whole time. You're so attractive, he said last night, and it was one of the truest things he could say.
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He breathes deep. Out. And then nods once.
"Can we not do this here?" he asks. "I need... space." Not from you, he adds with a light mental thwap. But the feeling of claustrophobia follows, an unnerved swell. He's real good with these four walls, they're the safest he feels anywhere in Abraxas, but he needs to be able to move. Pace.
"I'd say your place or mine," he attempts to joke. It mostly falls flat. "But the library doesn't work either." He needs sky. Part of the reason his domain is built the way it is isn't just to display gems of Earth but to also give him the illusion of open air in such a cramped-feeling faction.
He's put his domain back to the way it was before Istredd's capture, with some thoughts about what changes he'd make with his own inspiration, but he hasn't gotten started yet.
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He hasn't been back to Lucifer's domain since he tried while in the pit and only managed to see the snake and the little piece of refuge that Lucifer put there. He lay in it for a few minutes, hoping it would make him feel closer to Lucifer, but it only made him feel more lonely.
Istredd appears directly into Lucifer's domain only seconds later. He looks like his old self in here, since it is about he sees himself usually. He doesn't look as thin and pale, his scars long gone, no pain in his side. Honestly the wide open space helps him too. He has been cramped and closed in for weeks, unable to see anything outside of the dark and the closely controlled space.
He has some hope now. Lucifer hasn't rejected him or his wishes yet. It would be a surprise but a welcome one if he actually got what he wanted for once.
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He hasn't been in the Horizon much in a month. The two times to reset his domain and the two times he left a note of his own in Sam Wilson's domain. He still hasn't been back to Istredd's domain.
The beach is always the place he directs people to in order to find his domain. It's always the first point he finds himself in. Dersti must be elsewhere, and the flamingos take off when he appears. It's only the calcified animals left nearby around them.
Just what anyone needs for the backdrop to their charged conversations.
He takes a moment to simple soak in the red lake. Even if he changes things around, he'll keep this. It's his favorite.
There is an ease about him for the first time since he woke up to thinking Istredd was missing, hours ago. Settled back into himself, out of a mostly dark room, into an expanse that feels right. He'd forgotten the comfort of the Horizon.
He shakes his head, spins about in the sand, and starts to move, keeping a steady check on his mind, that it remains open and unclouded since he's not keeping Istredd in his physical focus.
"Okay, okay," he's saying, hands moving, "look, that all sounds--great, okay?" Maybe not the comfortable with their feelings bit because excuse you, he's barely comfortable with breathing some days. "But full disclosure, right?" Right. That's what he's going with, regardless what Istredd might say. He makes circles in the sand with his feet as he walks. Nonsense patterns.
He can put aside pride and ignorance and whatever else is under the rest of it. He's probably done worse things. He's just a bit out of his depth is all.
Fish out of water.
Devil out of Hell?
Ha.
"Full disclosure," he repeats, "since we're here now," here talking, not here in the Horizon, "I... have slept with one person. Twice. Briefly, end of relationship. Not really mine either." Host complications? Host complications. "And that was a woman." He waves his hands. "I'm not saying I don't have knowledge--it's just Hell Knowledge. So y'know... not the greatest reference point."
Most angels got to witness Earth from the Heaven vantage point. Lucifer had Hell. Big deal. When you really get down to it, it's all the same.
"I'm not... I'm not opposed. But. This it not my forte. At all. Despite that most people seem to think it is!" Cough. Lenore. "It's really not."
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Now that he's confessed his love he isn't so quick to squash his fuzzy feelings for Lucifer when they happen. Like now, watching him spin around in the sand, he finds it frankly adorable. A problem, for sure, that he is this soft for a man who needs to pace around to talk about something important. But here they are. And Lucifer has always talked with his hands.
Well at least it sounds great, apparently. He waits for Lucifer to get to the point, he is literally walking around it. That news though does genuinely shock him for a moment, but after a second of that, he realizes that it is the only thing that makes sense. "I sometimes forget that despite you being billions of years old, so little of that was ... out." Out of the cage. In a human body. Capable of doing any of this.
"So I would be your first. Relationship and man." Listen is it rational, is it reasonable, is it a little embarrassing, that he kind of loves that? It's a tiny bit of an ego boost, being this special to Lucifer. Istredd is trying not to be smug about it because he knows it's childish, and yet. No big deal, just a powerful and brilliant archangel who never had feelings for anyone before him. Before him. None of this is shielded from Lucifer, he isn't bothering with shields right now.
"You don't need Hell Knowledge, Lucifer. You have me." AKA Istredd can show him, he knows, he doesn't mind it. He loves educating people and it might finally be in a fun way. But he does shake his head after a moment.
"But 'I'm not opposed' isn't the same thing as 'I want that too.' I told you if you don't want to have sex, it's not a deal breaker. If and when it does happen, I'd like an enthusiastic yes." Like he thought he had when they were kissing not that long ago. When Lucifer was on top of him and he was thrilled beyond reason. Until that is the energy, it's just ... not worth it.
"So we can table sex, if that's the problem." Istredd can negotiate. "What about the relationship?"
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Says that 'powerful and brilliant archangel' who has little value for himself.
Lucifer's been actively dancing around the words 'I want' and he doesn't quite realize it until Istredd's pushed the issue, enough that the realization stops his movements completely and he's staring at a single speck of sand among the thousands in an odd, unwavering shock.
Oh.
Well that.
Makes sense.
He's never been exactly allowed to want anything. He's taken it, what he can get. But wants are a different entity entirely. A different problem. Wanting something leaves so much more room for disappointment when that's all he's ever gotten since his Fall.
It's a very strange mix of equal measure confusion and understanding twined together towards Istredd's mind, strands of thoughts reaching back towards Lucifer's impossible sudden clarity.
How peculiar.
"I..." He blinks and tilts his head up at Istredd in that bird-like twitch.
He nearly says he's pretty sure they might already be in one, but that's still continuing the dance of words he's been doing.
And then.
Lucifer laughs.
A strange, melodic, music box sound to their thoughts. No malicious intent. Effervescent.
"'Why am I still afraid'?" he echoes. This is the same exact fight he had within himself when they were building the bond between them. A dangerous storm, but clearing up, just trickles of rainfall spattering left.
Because here he is recognizing he's terrified to put himself out there, to truly want anything for the first time in years, and Istredd has already pulled open his own ribs and exposed his heart expecting the worst and Lucifer can't be damned to answer back?
No.
No.
Another laugh, bright. He steps across the sand, over a half-buried small bird, and stops in front of Istredd, shoving hands into his pockets. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, Istredd, I want that. The relationship, at least."
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and fini (AGHHHHHH)