abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

"I think most people would find the eel detail strange."

For once, Lucifer is not an anomaly.

With that part demonstrated, the Unseen Edge vanishes from between his fingertips. Unless Ambrose has secret knowledge of them in that book of his, no one but a handful of the Summoned know the offensive capabilities of his power. He kept them hidden even when he was finally forced to show his hand in front of the guards that followed them on their searches. He intends to keep it that way.

"It is." Offensive. Blasphemous. Heretical speech. Even admitting that, he just kind of shrugs in a very un-priestly manner. It could be interpreted any number of ways, but it's only that his belief is so strong that it's hard to be offended by non-believers and talk like this. "It's something I've wondered about too."

He'd tried to allude to it when the three of them talked once before, but the conversation had drifted elsewhere, and at the time he hadn't been as willing to push the theory for lack of proof.

"We have no access to any records of the previous Summoned."

The ones before this modern batch. Only that something bad had happened.

Edited (Introspection ) 2023-04-22 12:51 (UTC)

If it was offensive, it doesn't seem to make Kyle angry, so Istredd assumes the question is fine. He does understand that people have reasons to have faith. For example, the gods and heralds in this world are real, they have demonstrated proof. This is not speculation or blind faith, it is reality. He may not be interested in building shrines to anyone, but he can see what is right in front of his eyes.

His partner also is some holy creature whose father is literally God in his sphere. Religions are real in some worlds. That is fact. He's fine with it, even if he isn't in a hurry to call on any gods himself. It seems like a bad idea inherently.

"I started thinking about it since our conversation in my library." Istredd hadn't forgotten. They did get sidelined by other things, like the experimentation of the Summoned, but he rarely forgets a conversation that gets him dwelling. "There are people in the Summoned right now who have powers far and above what is normal here. Given time and legends? It would be easy to see them as gods after a dozen generations."

So basically, Istredd thinks they are probably right. Or at least on a track that could be right, except no easy way to prove the theory. "Let's say, theoretically, when the Summoning happened thousands of years ago, a few of those people had the same kind of power. And Solvunn, where that mage settled, is the only place that still believes. Maybe they lived there, like we live here."

"I wanted to look into it when I was in Solvunn, but there wasn't much time for that."

The history of the High Mage in exile, the founding of Solvunn. But that stood as a far second to the rescue efforts. He doubts he would've gotten to speak with the council member without Wanda vouching for him, too.

He's left most of what he found in Istredd's mind library, so this is retreading some of the same ground.

There's also what Lucifer had said back then during their talk. The connection to Horizon, the visions and strange places they were stuck in when the heralds first arrived. Trapped spirits...

"We really only have two options. Steal the information we want, or somehow leverage it out of them while they're feeling somewhat generous right now."

He shakes his head, taking in Istredd for a second with a strange look. Kell was the one who talked about trust first.

"I can't teleport the same way that you can, but I can walk between those currents I told you about, undetected in a space parallel to this one. In my world, only god could locate and tear me out of it." Which is why he's semi-confident about the undetectable part still being true here. "That's how I kept up with Lucifer when we were covering ground in our search."

"Luckily we have contacts in Solvunn with the type of influence who might be able to get answers we wouldn't." Kyle could have tried, but the council likely would quiet up around outsiders. Polite answers at best. Solvunn was also on the defensive due to Josselyn Creed and how she altered the continent's view of them.

"I don't know how we would steal it. Thorne is secretive, and I plan on asking Ambrose about it, but I think they are dangerously ignorant on this issue." Meaning he doesn't think even their private volumes will be helpful. They've refused to take seriously something that is now proven to be real. Foolish.

"I do wonder if this is all true, and some of the gods used to be Summoned, them reaching out to us or the Singularity showing us strange things, it might have never meant to be destructive. They could just be trying to talk to us but are no longer human enough to do it well." By destructive he means the heralds who tormented their minds or trapped them in strange situations in the Singularity with no explanation. All the things that happened to them over the months could be misconstrued. "Of course if that is the case, we'll have to figure out a way to make that communication clearer."

He doesn't mean only the Solvunn Summoned as we. Sooner or later, the rest of them really should try to find access. Maybe the answer is in the Singularity during these strange experiences. Istredd would open his mind to that, if he could only find out how.

Istredd nods in understanding about his abilities. He does vaguely understand, the current remind him of how he refers to channels, how he visualizes the way Chaos flows around them. "Have you been able to leave Thorne? How long have you managed to stay in that space?"

The way things stand now with how the castle is tightly warded, Kahlil doesn't think they'd be able to steal much from private volumes either. He only brings it up because it's something he has experience with, and seems worth mentioning.

And it's true, they have to rely on the Solvunn Summoned for most of the information with the gods. Both Himeka and now Wanda have direct connections to them. The trouble is, they likely have their own worries to deal with in their faction, and can't prioritize every question. Between even just Istredd, Lucifer and Kahlil, they have quite a few.

"Ambrose has a book. I remember him looking through it when I was received at the well, like he was confirming something in it. I don't know if it's something he uses for show, but I'd be curious what's inside."

Unfortunately, he doesn't remember many details about it. But if it's not a prop, if there's actual information about them and their worlds in it, or something else important to the process...

He pushes back his hair, then crosses his arms.

"I'd like to know for sure whether the heralds are considered old gods." They've just kind of been lightly assuming they fall under the same umbrella. It's difficult when different factions have their own interpretations. Like Luna, who doesn't even consider them gods but forces of nature. "There was also something we learned about there being newer 'old gods'."

The ones that were brought forth by the first old gods. The terminology is vague and confusing, and it's only Solvunn's version of the creation myth. But it's an odd detail. Given the direction of the conversation, these new-old gods could theoretically be powerful Summoned from thousands of years ago.

At the last question, he shakes his head at first.

"Not yet. In an emergency? Maybe I could cross the border wards through the space. My ability to do it isn't blocked entirely it's just... imagine a barbed fence with very small spaces to squeeze through, except when you exit on the other side you realize they weren't actually safe openings, and all your limbs fall off."

So is it possible? Sure. But unless he had a healer waiting on the other side he'd be dead, otherwise he would've gone straight to that northern island after they realized what was on the peninsula.

"In an area that doesn't have strong wards, I can stay in that space for hours, up to a day if I had to."

Longer, maybe. But it's not something he likes doing.

"The book he appears to be looking at when we're Summoned, yes. I thought it must be the Summoning spell, I've heard Free Cities and Solvunn have semi-similar experiences upon waking up. But none of us know how many details are in there." Istredd shakes his head. "I can't imagine he'd ever let one of us get close to that magic." There is no telling if they would use it themselves or send people back. Too risky for someone so tightly controlled. He can try anyway.

"Well ... again, assuming some gods could be former Summoned possibly. They would be newer gods, as they're only a few thousand years old in this continent's history, which would be past the typical creation myth of the originals, wouldn't it?"

Istredd is only guessing here. He is a scholar and he's read up on many things, but he does not have a natural affinity for religion. Kyle and Lucifer are far more aware of that sort of thing, so he is simply from a historian point of view. Where gods could have been normal people who lived long ago. There are plenty of names in his sphere's past that took on legendary status, but once upon a time were just people like anyone else.

"I definitely don't want your limbs falling off, so let's not test that theory." Unless it's an emergency and Kyle has no other option. But that would be up to him and no one else. "The doesn't have strong wards would be a key part. Thorne is locked up so tightly in that way." To be fair, Istredd has helped make some of those wards himself. The dungeon in particular, some of that is his work, and it's impossible to get past.

Kahlil grips his own wrist, cocking his head. But Istredd having a hand in the wards could be useful one day.

Anyway - on gods new and old, and everything in between that they only find more questions for - he hadn't meant to go on a conspiracy tangent in the middle of town, even with the help of Istredd's sound buffering spell.

He shakes his head and let out a derisive snort.

"Maybe we can ask poor Thevan for the hundredth time."

Him and every book dealer between here and Nott have been raided for anything even remotely connected to the gods and history of the country.

Kahlil does start walking toward the Dragon's Keep, though.

"You mentioned transformations before," he says, waving a hand in front of his face, then toward Istredd. "Did you used to look different?"

"I'm sure he's not sick of us at all." Istredd says, amused. He gets that sometimes the two of them end up theorizing a lot. It's something he enjoys and rarely found partners with before, but it can be circling ideas. He's writing all of this down into his Horizon anyway later.

"No, I chose to stay the same. I wasn't under as much pressure to change since I showed very little interest in court intrigue. The mages who are expected to be political are encouraged to look as attractive as possible." It's for an obvious reason. Someone who is beautiful will get more attention and can persuade people with that power. That is exactly what Yennefer did, after all. The women are encouraged more than the men, but it is across the board an expectation.

"After spending years training and not feeling very in control, it's usually freeing for some young mages to be able to look the part they want." Istredd doesn't know of those that ended up hating the change. It's for life, so it is important they knew their mind. Some of them stayed similar outside of a touch here and there, and it was more about confidence.

As useful as it is to have someone trusted to bounce ideas and conspiracies off of, he's only just starting to realize it's probably at least part of why they know so little about each other. Easier to talk about these things, and pretend you aren't purposely hiding parts of your past from the people you are trying to trust.

"Would you have been tempted at all, though? If you had the face of a frog?" he waggles both eyebrows teasingly. If this is what Istredd always looked like, that would also explain why there wasn't much pressure. Tall and handsome, with striking eyes.

"But not being noticed has its benefits too."

When Kahlil had his Prayerscars, people in Nayeshi stared at him all the time. Facial tattoos stood out enough on their own, the ones on his eyelids especially. A part of him liked the attention, though. He was proud of the Prayerscars, what they meant, even if those in Nayeshi didn't understand.

Istredd laughs. "I'm not going to pretend otherwise, of course I would. I was young and despite being supernatural, we are still human." Insecurities existed like for anyone else. He is not going to claim he is unaware he's attractive either.

"But there is a precise perfection to the way it looks after that I wasn't interested in." Istredd is good-looking but there are small qualities and imperfections that it would have cleaned up. Details they would have altered in their perception of what beauty had to be. He's considered rougher around the edges because of it. He likes that. Yennefer is the #1 example of what he'd call perfection, although he would never talk about how she looked before negatively. He's always found her beautiful.

"It's my preference, not standing out." Despite his height and striking eyes, Istredd is fairly good at staying under the radar. "But I find that hard to believe for you. Unless we're also going to pretend you don't look like you do."

Edited 2023-04-25 21:07 (UTC)

Kahlil gives him a wry grin when he earns the laugh. But he can kind of understand. It reminds him of the posters or ads in magazines he'd see in Nayeshi. Photos of men and women with skin so smooth they were pore-less. Perfect, bright white smiles. All of them thin and ageless in ways that didn't look real.

Of course it does make him wonder about Yennefer, but she is striking in a way that still seems human to him. It makes him assume she must not have had to do much or anything at all to her appearance.

That last part makes Kahlil laugh.

"The Singularity does seem to have certain preferences with us. Have you seen how many good-looking young men are running around the castle? And all the redheads..."

More than the average number in any given population.

He shakes his head though, still smiling but a bit wistfully now. His appearance is a complicated thing for reasons that he doesn't like talking about. Nowadays, generally, his ego enjoys the compliments.

"It was part of my job not to stand out too much."

Underneath Istredd's serious exterior lies a dry sense of humor and some genuine warmth that's simply suppressed due to his natural reserve. But it comes out when he starts to open up to people. Laughs are very rare from him though.

"You're all too young for me," he says, deadpan. It is not the truth as many of the other Thorne Summoned are far older than they look. The median age is high. "Of course Lucifer is billions of years older than me, so you could say he's a cradle robber." This may be the most deliberate he's been in indicating his relationship with Lucifer, but it is in part because the official aspect is brand new. Not that outwardly much has seemed to change about them at all.

"I did notice the redheads though." Hard to miss. Hair that bright, and there are so many of them. "Also a lot of silver or white-haired people who aren't actually old." Thancred, Urianger, and Dante as examples right in this castle.

"I should think so, spies are supposed to be secretive." Kyle's never told him that's what he is, but Istredd guessed.

He raises an eyebrow at cradle robber, letting out a surprised huff.

"Please tell me you've told him that."

It shouldn't be funny, considering what Lucifer is and what he's capable of. And yet...

At spies he tips his head, like an acknowledgement.

"I was something like a bodyguard for much longer than I was just a spy." he admits, and this sounds wistful too. It probably would sound creepy to others, but he enjoyed his time watching John. A beat, and he looks ahead, focusing on the street ahead. "But you're right. It's best not to have a memorable face. Or to be quick about the killing."

He doesn't know if Istredd suspected this part, too. But with all of the confessing he's doing lately, and after everything they all went through, it's best to not play guessing games now.

"I haven't, but I should, it would make him laugh."

Lucifer and his brothers don't act their age, in Istredd's opinion. It's probably because angel lifespans are so long that it's possible as old as they are, they're equivalent to teenagers or young adults still. He would consider Michael the most 'mature' but it doesn't stop him from getting sucked into sibling arguments at every turn.

"It sounds like you preferred that." The bodyguarding to the spy, just from observation of his tone. Maybe he liked the companionship. Istredd either would be a great spy or a terrible one. Terrible because he's not good at remembering to keep secrets, great because he is very easy to overlook being a bookish historian. It would be a decent cover.

He did suspect that part which is why he doesn't look surprised, but he also isn't judgmental. He's from a dark sphere, assassins and spies are a normal part of life if you're trained in power and politics. "I've never killed anyone directly." This is assuming people have died because of him, or in the pit when he wasn't fast enough or caused things to happen. "But I was trained thoroughly for it."

Kahlil gives Istredd an odd look, but maybe coming from him it would make Lucifer laugh. It's just hard for him to imagine any laugh of Lucifer's that isn't violently condescending. It's kind of his specialty.

"It was a service I was chosen for. It was something I was proud of."

So much so that it is still most of his identity, even after his failure.

They're getting close to the bookshop, which means dissipating the soundproofing soon.

"Many of us have that in common, I've found," he frowns for a moment. Taken as children, trained for a service and violence: Kahlil himself, Geralt, Istredd. Yennefer too, by Istredd's description of his world. He jokes about redheads, but he sees patterns everywhere.

Lucifer is a completely different person with Istredd than he is with anyone else, something Istredd is well aware of although it is easy to forget since the two of them can be so insular. They're mentally and emotionally on top of each other at all times, but that isn't public knowledge. Only Yennefer and Wanda are aware of the telepathic bond.

"I'd say you could always offer bodyguarding skills here if it made you happy, but one of the interesting things about this place is, you can restart entirely if you want to. Find a new path for yourself. Nothing back home matters."

It's another way of his common topic of telling people they can change and grow in Abraxas. Istredd hasn't exactly changed, in terms of what he's interested in here. He will always be the researcher and magic enthusiast, but that's because he loves those aspects of himself. He could let go of some of the other things he was supposed to be.

"I'm more surprised when we have someone like Wilhelm. A normal teenager from a world without anything magic or supernatural." Otherwise yes, there seem to be a lot of backgrounds in common. Outside of these random people who don't seem to really fit in.

"I was given the chance once before to start over. Didn't go very well," another wry look.

Some parts of his past are written in his bones.

"I worry about him," he shakes his head. "He's been through so much in a short amount of time."

But there are things about Wilhelm's past too. Born into a powerful family, forced into the position of heir. His life might not have been as hard as some of the others, but he knows duty, and has lived under someone else's control.

"Well obviously if it went badly once, you should never try again." An equally wry look right back at him.

"We're all worried about Wilhelm. Although he was able to use his magic safely for the first time since he got it on the mountain. That's a very good sign." Istredd had hoped he would get to that point through a lot of practice and support, but it turned out when he had to make it work in an emergency, he managed. It signals good things about his future, if he can get there.

"The shrine creature kept talking to us in voices that would get our interest. It was using his brother's voice to persuade him to help it get out. I'm not sure if talking to it was cathartic or not."

Wilhelm has quite a few guardians and mentors, it seems - for better or worse. Kahlil has no good role models in his past, he can only hope to not be the man that Dayyid was - and then there's Lucifer's interest in Wilhelm which... could be worse?

"He mentioned that," Kahlil grimaces.

"The ones who were tricked - some are holding onto blame for what happened." In the pit. Their inability to fight off the voices, the release of a mysterious monster. There's little he can do to convince them otherwise, having not been there with them.

"There is a lot of guilt to go around, despite the fact we were the victims." Istredd knows that basically every person in the pit feels bad about something. Whether it's them not doing enough, or giving into the illness, or letting the shrine monster out, the guilt hangs over them irrationally and he doesn't see how that will change.

"I think this is a situation where time may be the only healer. No one's in a headspace to combat feelings with truth." There is nothing Kyle can say but there's also nothing he can say that will really convince them otherwise. Istredd holds onto his own guilt too, his own pain, regardless of what he tells himself.

"If you want advice on how to help, just be there. Even if it's to sit and listen, or to distract with other things going on." He doesn't know if Jack is struggling with his feelings about this, but he assumes so, they all are. Istredd smiles at him. "Or walk with someone who was clearly afraid to leave, making them feel safe."

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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