abraxaslogs | maybe i'm a mess

[ There's always Several around. Sylvain hasn't kicked up a fuss about them yet because technically Claude's "library" doesn't exist yet, since they've been focusing on the construction of the more vital areas of the loft. He'll save bitching about the mountainous piles of books in here until they actually have somewhere else to put them.

With Claude stretching out next to him and making himself comfortable, Sylvain shift a little so he's angled more in his direction. He makes a dismissive gesture with one hand when Claude questions the book he'd been reading. ]

Just something on herbology. I'm still working my way through figuring out which plants might be like the ones we knew from back home. It's... not as easy as I hoped, to be honest.

[ But that's not really what he was waiting up to talk about, as dark brown eyes flick over Claude's face, searching for the signs of tiredness, since he knows Claude still isn't sleeping much. He's been doing a little better himself, the nightmares having quieted down to only waking him a few nights a week now, instead of every time he closed his eyes. But he's worried about Claude, since he hadn't slept much even before their traumatic stay in the pit. ]

Find anything interesting while you were out?

[ Herbology being mentioned gets genuine interest from Claude, especially since he's noticed Sylvain doing some tinkering himself with plants off and on. Granted, some of that had been in the Horizon - or so he'd assumed when wandering through Garreg Mach and noticing different ones on the grounds or when peeking into the greenhouse - but now that they have the space?

Claude feels the same about plants as he does about books: there's always space for more of them. ]

I ran into that problem, too. There's just enough similarities between some of the ones around Leicester and ones that are actually poisonous here it seemed best to not risk it. You should ask Nadine for some help if you haven't already. She has lots of notes on the different botany here and was kind enough to let me drop in a couple nights a week to study them. I have some copies of them around here somewhere.

[ Those will have to be located later since Claude's not inclined to move even for plant potential. When Sylvain studies him he just watches right back, though not without reaching out his free hand to toy with the edge of the other's sleeve absently. ]

I found a small park we overlooked on our last walk figuring out where that bakery was. Park might be a generous word for it, but it has a gazebo we could all sit in so you wouldn't complain as much about the sun.

[ That last part with a half grin, because he's not going to pass up a chance to tease and especially not with summer approaching. ]

I've learned a little from her already, yeah. But if you have notes, that would probably be helpful.

[ He knows how Claude's mind works. Sort of. Knows that if he jotted notes down, they're likely detailed, with a Fodlan knowledge for what might be relevant at their base. He'd probably learn more from there than from Nadine herself, honestly.

He glances down when he feels fingers fidget with his sleeve and he doesn't bother to hide the tiny, fond smile at the gesture. Reaching out, much as he had so often when they were captives together, he captures Claude's hand with his own, twining their fingers together before resting their locked hands atop his lap, comfortably between them.

Claude's tease gets a wrinkle of his nose before he sticks his tongue out him in a very mature response. ] Don't say that too loud or Hilda will try and foist another hat on me. Which I'm trying to avoid after so tragically - and maybe conveniently - having lost the last one.

I'll get them later. She's got some other books though that she keeps that are worth looking into while you're there. I keep hoping I'll find a copy of one in the markets, but no luck yet.

[ Something else for someday since lying here is nice and even more so when some of the weariness starts to catch up with him a little bit. It's even nicer still when Sylvain stops the sleeve fiddling by taking his hand, so Claude settles for a new version of fidgeting by running his thumb over the back of the other's hand.

Thinking about using their linked hands to tug Sylvain back into sprawling out himself crosses his mind but that gets put on pause by that reaction and what's said next. ]

Oh, well. Now I'm going to make sure to say it loudly at every opportunity. That's your own fault for losing the hat since she's never gonna let you hear the end of it. You have a minimum of fifty hats in your near future. [ Each more ridiculous than the last, Claude's sure, which is what gets him to grin at the thought. ] How do you feel about having one for each week of the year?

[ Sylvain gives a dramatic groan and slumps into Claude's side to bang his head lightly against his shoulder. ]

I guess that's better than one for every day of the year. But only slightly.

[ Despite the complaint, his voice holds a deep note of fondness and a hint of laughter. Lifting their still-twined hands, he brushes a light kiss over the back of each Claude's knuckles as he tries to figure out how to broach this. Before sighing and just going to the heart of it. Otherwise, they could be here dancing around this all night. ]

She's been avoiding us.

[ He's pretty sure Claude must have noticed that. ]

I'll suggest that next. There's surely enough hats in Cadens to make it happen so you can have multiple ones each week.

[ Or Libertas, or Aquila now. Really, the thing Sylvain should be afraid of is that there's basically infinite hat options lurking out there just waiting for Hilda to find. It's all a given in Claude's mind rather than a hypothetical, especially when it's too hard to not grin after the very dramatic flop back onto the bed.

Before he can move Sylvain's already lifting their hands and there's that thrill over affection again, so easy like it's effortless and he can't help but let that grin fade into a content smile, and then - well. Then something comes up that he'd felt creeping in when the door to it opened, and Claude just hums as he keeps his gaze on Sylvain. The smile doesn't fade from his face, but something behind it does in a small nuance. ]

I'd call it more like taking some space.

[ Which is really just saying the same thing and Claude won't pretend it's not, but he's going to volley that back to see where exactly Sylvain is going with bringing it up before he commits to saying anything. He's noticed it, yes, but that doesn't mean his loyalty to Hilda isn't going to still kick in first like always. ]

[ Sylvain just arches an eyebrow at him, as if to say 'really?' ]

Somehow I don't think Hilda's one to crave 'space' as much as you or I might. Something has been bothering her.

[ And you, he doesn't add out loud. Although Claude's clever. He might pick up on that anyway.

But there is real concern in his voice. He'd been hesitant to bring this up with either of them. But so often in the past, when his friends started avoiding him, it usually meant he'd done something that either pissed them off or offended them in some way. Or they were just getting tired of his antics. So he can't help the little niggle of paranoid fear lurking in the back of his mind that he'd done something to give them reason to want to start avoiding him. ]

[ No, she doesn't normally look for quite so much space as it's registered with Claude that she's been taking when it's increased incrementally. While there's all her projects to account for some of it, it doesn't explain the rest.

None of that is anything he particularly wants to say aloud when it's not helpful. Hilda has her reasons, he's sure, and it's something he's not tempted to read too much into for once for - also many reasons, all of which feel too revealing. Claude chooses not to mention any of that while maintaining the now slightly more faded smile even while he considers what Sylvain's said. ]

You could always ask her about whatever it is.

[ Claude's going to ignore this gives Sylvain a good chance to (correctly) hear that he doesn't know what to actually offer as a reason whether it's a real one or a distraction because he doesn't know, either. Maybe it doesn't matter since that won't help relieve any of what sounds like worry to his ears - worry matching his own but that he's keeping hidden. Unfolding the arm he'd propped beneath his head means Claude can bring that hand forward to rest on Sylvain's cheek to let his thumb trail over it. ]

[ So Claude doesn't know either. That's... troubling.

Sylvain sighs and leans into that touch, eyes sliding closed for a moment as his lips tug downward into a frown. ]

I tried. She's as good at dancing around questions she doesn't want to answer as you are.

[ Not an accusation, just a quiet sort of tiredness, because the worry that he'd done something to upset her, even inadvertently, has been weighing heavy on his mind since he first noticed the distance she was putting between them.

Chewing on his lower lip a moment, he opens his eyes again to flick his gaze over at Claude's face a moment later, venturing voicing an ask he didn't really want to - it might reveal more than he wants to, but... ]

If I did something... I'm not asking you to break her confidence, but would you tell me otherwise?

[ Breaking hearts, hurting people... it's something he'd done so often back home. Sometimes it wasn't on purpose, but more than often it was. And not all of it had been warranted, he knew that. So much of it had been biased by his own outlook. His anger over what they all wanted, without ever once seeing him. They'd deserved it, he'd convinced himself over and over again. He was only returning the favor.

But he didn't want Hilda to be one of those wounds he left bleeding in his wake. ]

[ Interesting. He wonders for a second if Sylvain actually meant to reveal he'd first asked Hilda and then came to him expecting to find out something more or if that was just a small vent of frustration. Because it must be frustrating, Claude's sure, even if he's going to do absolutely nothing in the way of alleviating any of it. Hilda's secrets are her own just as much as the same applies to his, and though he might like collecting them he's not going to release anyone else's without their permission. That includes the ones Sylvain's told him, too, even if they're less relevant currently.

Claude puzzles over that while studying the other's face, thumb still trailing back and forth as he thinks. It comes to a pause mid-track when a question's asked he wasn't expecting as the only tell of surprise over it, but he doesn't have to take long to think of an answer. ]

Yes.

[ There's no hesitation behind that. Claude's not ignorant to Sylvain's past; much as they don't mention it because he has no interest in dragging up someone's pain, he'd be lying if he said it didn't cross his mind. To the point where, maybe, some of those months were because even though it became clear to him that some of those old rumors were greatly exaggerated, he didn't truly believe it wouldn't factor in somehow - or now since he's also not oblivious to Sylvain and Hilda getting closer. Something Claude supports, though he's going to raise an eyebrow in faint amusement all the same, because - ]

Wait a minute, are you saying you trust me to not just poison you first before anything else if that happened? I'm honored.

[ 'Telling' can mean several things, can't it? But he hadn't missed the reluctance behind the ask being voiced in the first place hinting that this isn't something to dwell on, so here's a little humor ("humor") to give Sylvain an out to back away from it if he wants to. ]

[ It’s not all that exaggerated at all, in fact, hence some of his current concern. The momentary relief at Claude’s answer is quickly covered up with a groaned laugh as he flops back over onto his back once more, dropping an arm over his face. Partially to hide, partially to give him a moment to try and find what was left of his composure.

Not that Claude typically left him much of that, but that was beside the point. ]

Well, I guess there’s that small comfort, at least.

[ He should probably be more concerned that Claude just casually threatened to poison him, but honestly/ He feels if he’d earned a response like that, he most likely deserved it.

…he spares a moment to be really relieved that Ingrid and Felix never had any interest in poisons, though. He could deal with irate lectures and getting his ass handed to him in the training yard far easier than that. ]

[ Sylvain's flopping backwards gets a small grin from Claude even if it feels slightly out of place given the - all of the topics, and he lets the hand from his face fall away to rest on the other's chest instead. ]

See? Things are looking up already.

[ It's not lost on him that this is a little bit like hiding in plain sight even as he continues to study (or now more like admire) what he can see of that handsome face. And then finds himself wishing, to his own surprise, there was something he could offer.

But: there is, isn't there? There's something very simple to be said, something he could kick himself for overlooking when he'd went on the defensive too immediately. Too ready to expect the worst, and he hadn't noticed someone else already was. ]

Hey. [ Now he lifts the hand that'd been on Sylvain's chest as he rolls onto his side. First he taps the other man's elbow on that arm covering before making a partial attempt to lift it with only a couple fingers without really enough to achieve that if Sylvain decides to resist rather than uncover his face. ] You haven't done anything wrong, Sylvain.

[ He doesn't resist, letting Claude maneuver him and letting his arm drop off to the side as dark eyes flick back to Claude's face. There's still a lingering expression of guilt there, though, like he's not entirely convinced Claude's right.

But he gives a quiet huff of laughter a moment later, one corner of his lips quirking up in a somewhat sardonic smirk. ] Yeah. Maybe. Then again, those aren't words I'm used to hearing, so forgive me for not taking them at face value.

Although I was hoping I hadn't done anything without realizing it. [ Because he's usually very aware of what he's done - and to who. But this had been different. ] But you know her better than I do, so I thought maybe you'd noticed something I'd missed.

[ That expression on Sylvain's face: at first he doesn't understand what it's for or why it's still lingering, but that soon becomes clear. It stings a little in a way Claude recognizes he shouldn't take personally - but then he realizes it's not him taking that personally whatsoever when it's something else. It's because Sylvain saying he'd expected to be chided and expected it to the point where he couldn't accept hearing anything but is worrisome to where he has to struggle to keep anything from showing on his face.

Claude doesn't believe for a second that smirk is anything other than an acknowledgment of Sylvain being firm in that belief without room for anything else. Can't correct the past - can only keep moving forward. He taps the fingers of his hand against the other's chest again now that it's back there as he thinks. ]

Trust me when I say that if you wrong Hilda, you'll know it. [ Not that he can explain; partially because he doesn't want to get into how he knows that or anything beyond - ] You just have the very dubious fortune of being in close proximity.

[ Close enough. That much is clear to him about whatever's going on. ]

[ Relenting at Claude's insistence, he just gives a quiet sigh and tips his head in a faint nod, accepting the words for now. He doesn't think Claude would lie to him about something like that. Although he's not so sure Hilda would be so quick to air her grievances. Not if they were real. None of them are straightforward like that. Which is a dangerous combination at times, he thinks.

But he just rolls onto his side, towards Claude, and lets his forehead fall forward to the other man's shoulder as his arm snakes around his waist. Curling into him in a pose that's growing to be comfortingly familiar. Which feels odd to realize. For all that he's always been a tactile person, there's very few he ever got close enough to be comfortable like this with. Not even his closest friends back home, since Ingrid would have bristled and been suspicious and Felix was an angry cat on a good day. And Dimitri... better not to think about that right now anyway.

He pushes those thoughts away and just focuses on now, even if he could feel himself being lulled into the warmth of this. Deliberately not thinking about how dangerous that could be. He'd known he was starting to get in deep, recognizes it, even though this is the first time anything's been this risky for him. Usually he would have pulled away long before now. Started distancing himself, or worse, sabotaged the entire thing. But he hasn't quite been able to muster the willpower to do so. Even if it means he's likely falling face-first into disaster.

He's never been good about making good decisions, after all. Might as well continue to make a few more dangerous ones while he can. He still doesn't expect to be able to keep Claude's attention for all that long. Not without fucking the whole thing up sooner or later. ]

What about you? [ he finally asks, fingers tracing shapes and symbols against Claude's hip. ] You've been keeping busy, too.

[ The sigh and nod also do little to convince Claude anything's changed in the past few minutes, but he's learned to recognize when pressing Sylvain on something isn't going to accomplish anything. Even if there's been very little to press on, honestly, so it's difficult for him to extrapolate out just how unbending that might be, but now isn't a time to figure it out. There's enough ongoing puzzles to table this one for another time or for when it actually matters.

Besides, it's more than enough that he rolls over to close what little space is left so that they're not sharing a pillow and staring at each other, but rather Claude finds himself becoming the pillow in question. An action that makes him smile where Sylvain can't see it but might feel it briefly when he turns to brush a kiss against what he can reach of the other's face. It's easy from there to adjust his arms to where they feel like they belong from all the times of doing this before in something Claude, for once, doesn't have to question.

Not if he thinks about it at that surface level, anyway, and doesn't peer into what's lurking beneath it. Something he's still avoiding and where he had been already prior to Petra's disappearance, but the latter's only exponentially increased that avoidance. But not when it comes to affection which is an easy comfort to slip into without a second thought, even for someone who so often holds back from it as much as he does. Nice is the word ne continues to settle on - even while becoming all the more aware it's flimsy and doesn't truly encompass what it is. ]

I have. [ This isn't what Sylvain's asking without asking, he knows, but there's a limit to how helpful he's going to be even as he runs a hand up and down the other man's back. ] I found a new merchant to work for and one who has a greenhouse at that, so we might be able to get a discount on some plants when we're ready for them. Only because I'm assuming you want something other than all of my plants lining the garden beds.

Well, it would be nice to have something pretty on top of all the things that can kill us.

[ His voice is wry as he gives Claude a light prod in the ribs, shifting until they were tangled up together. That Claude draws him in rather than pushing him away is a reassurance in itself, especially when there’s no hesitation in the reaction. He just rests his cheek against Claude’s collarbone, content to stay wrapped around him.

A moment later, he asks softly, ] Are you still having trouble sleeping?

[ It’s harder to keep track of, when they’re no longer sharing a room together. Which Sylvain has already found he kind of misses, to be honest. Not Claude’s mountain of books, of course, or all the clutter that frequently collected on most available surfaces around him. But the feeling of someone being close by had grown reassuring in its own way. Nice. ]

Hey, the pretty things also are the ones that can kill you.

[ Definitely not at all hinting around his garden plans or anything there, though it's said with a scoff of disbelief as though Sylvain's said something utterly ridiculous rather than accurate. It's also said as he winds a leg through the other's and uses that to wedge himself closer still. What comes next is a question he doesn't want to answer, and a deflection is on the top of his tongue ready to go. That seems pointless in the end considering he'd already been caught, more or less, with evidence proving it. ]

Sometimes.

[ He could just leave it there. That's enough of an answer and sums it up nicely. Claude's figured out by now that brevity won't stop Sylvain from worrying so he takes another moment to consider that before speaking up again. ]

That's always been normal enough for me, though.

[ Which is true: the war had merely provided him a convenient cover even if he really had stayed awake poring over strategy after strategy for fear of losing anyone if he made one wrong move. Sleeplessness had been even more productive then than the nights he'd stayed up late reading, tinkering with something, or just thinking. If anything, he's simply shifted back to that in his own mind now with yet another crisis having passed by and others yet he's working through turning over in his mind. ]

Why, thank you, I'm flattered.

[ There's a note of teasing in his voice, completely turning that around on Claude just because he could.

But when Claude falls silent, debates what answer to give, he just waits. Even if he's listening with more than just his ears for a reason tonight. The words he gets have him turning his head slightly so he can press his lips to the hollow at the base of Claude's throat, staying wrapped up tight around him. ]

I have noticed that, yes. [ There's a dry note to his voice, even though Sylvain has worried a lot about that - even before they'd been dragged to the Pit. Another kiss, this one pressed to the curve of his shoulder, before he huffs out a quiet breath. ]

You think too much.

[ There's a small groan from him with the exact energy of hearing a bad joke being told, if only because he can't resist being difficult (even if Sylvain's right) and this is the sort of moment where an eye roll can't be properly appreciated. It'd require moving and even if something about answering the question's made something restless stir in him, Claude's not inclined to actually untangle himself.

Especially not when lips find his throat and he closes his eyes. How different would it have been if he'd had this on those nights where being awake simply felt easier just like this one? Guilt follows that and washes sentiment out of it; there's a million reasons it wouldn't be. This is an impossibility anywhere but here - and Petra's departure, Marianne's too brief time here, and Hilda's pointed absences saying plenty in their wake have only brought that further into focus.

Maybe it's fortunate Sylvain can't see his face then when it takes him a second to pull it back together after those painful reminders surface and fade again to an ache, and instead Claude exhales in something that'll pass close enough to a laugh when another kiss pulls him back to the present. ]

I didn't have the option to not. [ No, that's not better. Time to pivot right on away from that. ] Fortunately, it also means it's part of why I'm undefeated at chess. Plenty of extra time to practice when you look at it that way, which you should probably fear once I dig my chess set out of the box it's packed away in.

[ He can't see his face, but he can feel that wash of grief. Even if he weren't focusing on what Claude's feeling, he's pretty sure Claude's feeling it strongly enough that Sylvain would have picked up on it anyway. His arms tighten around him in silent comfort, wishing there was more he could do to help. ]

I have no doubt you'll thoroughly kick my ass, I'm way out of practice. I'm pretty sure I haven't had a decent chess partner since our days back at the Academy anyway.

[ But he's not going to let Claude divert him so easily this time, and he presses another kiss to his throat. ]

You have the option to not here and now.

[ Arms wind tighter around him than they did before, and - hm. Even though he thought he'd held it together something must've slipped through anyway, and guilt flares up again now in two forms. Sylvain doesn't need to deal with this when he can handle it on his own, Claude thinks. Just like always; all he needs is some time to sort through everything.

And the same goes for wishing for this comfort when he did have it with Hilda and mourned it while here alone, and now they've ended up here, somehow. Maybe it was always meant to be temporary and he'd just imagined everything all along.

More to think about later because while he hears Sylvain ignoring his change of subject, he's just going to ignore it right back. That's one vulnerability too far to go over for now. ]

So what I'm hearing is that I should expect to keep my impressively long winning streak intact? That sounds like a good deal to me, actually. [ It's not difficult to sound entertained now - especially because Claude's fairly certain he can use that to spur Sylvain into all kinds of chess games, though he hums thoughtfully as he shifts to drawing figure eights along the other man's back. ] Maybe I'll teach you some other board games to even it out a bit. Or a card game I picked up from Ciri so then we can both branch out.

[ The fact that Claude pointedly ignored him pushing a little further isn't lost on him, but he bites back a quiet sigh. There was a line there, and he considered testing it for all of a heartbeat before backing away again. Claude already had enough on his plate - that wave of grief and the complicated feeling that had washed after it a moment later had been evidence enough on his plate.

But he made a mental note to definitely prod at it later. Today had already been full enough of uncomfortable conversations.

Which is why he lets Claude divert the topic entirely, even though he still wanted to prod, to understand, but Claude was - as ever - just as complicated as his chess strategies. ]

Hey, I did manage to beat you every now and then. [ It took a lot of effort but he could manage it. Even if he'd spent just as much time, back in those days, playing himself so as to not to come off as too clever. He had a terrible reputation to maintain, after all. And he was an expert at losing at chess without making it look like he was trying to lose. Which, really, just added a whole new layer to chess strategies. ]

But I'm not against learning some new games, either. Those times we'd find something to play in the courtyard when we were both bored or in between classes were pretty fun. [ It hadn't happened often, and Sylvain's pretty sure Claude would have grabbed anyone who seemed interested to play a match with him, but Sylvain had always been intrigued when he'd been invited. And secretly pleased. ]

The operative part of your sentence is the 'now and then' which might be putting it generously.

[ Now he's just teasing because he can and because it's something far nicer to focus on and push away any other thoughts as he turns to press a kiss to Sylvain's forehead thoughtfully. That won't, however, stop him from continuing to roast Sylvain for the losing streak even if it wasn't nearly as bad as he's exaggerating for entertainment's sake. ]

I should make you guess the rules to the card game just to keep it more interesting. Or maybe bring one back from the Alliance since I never did teach you most of the ones I know. That's fair, right?

[ It absolutely isn't. He knows it, which is why there's one more kiss for good measure. That does give him another chance to consider options beyond chess alone even if he really is going to have to unpack that set sooner than planned. Claude cracks an eye open to glance at the desk he'd moved in here. That might work as a playing space until they have better tables to take over with games. Using it wouldn't be all that far off from those times back at the monastery and it's easy to smile when circling back to what Sylvain brought up. ]

You know, I did figure out pretty quickly I could get your attention through those games.

If you're doing that, I have every right to subject you to some from Faerghus, then. I even know a couple from Sreng. [ And a few from Yuri, now that he thinks about it, which he'd considered terrible but might be evil enough to inflict upon Claude.

That kiss to his brow makes him smile until Claude's words sink in and then he's left blinking at the general vicinity of the man's chest as he tries to make sense of them. ]

You... what?

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