abraxaslogs | The elves created secret passages everywhere

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The elves created secret passages everywhere

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for September
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon, Nocwich
WHEN: Nebulous all over September stuff.
WARNINGS: Spoilers for The Witcher season 3! PTSD from details within the season.

Starters Below!

If you want a specific starter message waftingcurtains on plurk or go wildcard!

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Memories have always been complex for Louis. Decades of them, and few to keep. The blessing and curse of having a sharp memory is being able to keep precious few, but at the same time they will fade. The details become a fuzz. There's a block inside him, one that he won't touch. He probably has trained himself to delude his person long ago on matters that hit too close to the weeping heart. He's always wondered if it's individual or if his dark gift is forcing him to detach. He's not sure he wants to know what full detachment is even a hundred or half a century later. What kind of vampire would he be hundreds of years later?

He didn't appreciate having the rush of someone else's memories in his head, something that added a sensitive touch, and he'll go as far as to say it's a violation. They were not his memories, and the fear they gave wasn't something he wants inside of him. Louis will have to keep an eye out for Henry next time he sees him. He's still recovering somewhat, although his self-healing is doing its duty. He has a broken rib that is nearly at a hundred percent healed. It tells him the damage was great enough in the last week that even his nature is responding to it accordingly.

He's careful when he walks towards the bench, the scent of blood instantly prominent. Istredd looks rough in the sense that he's been through. Reminds him of the men that came off the station wagons during the Great War. He settles on on the other end of the bench, voice an octave softer.

"If you hadn't come, I wouldn't have faulted you. When we made these plans, I wouldn't think we'd be attacked by beasts. How you holding up?"

"We are, in our way." They talked through their memories and they have each other to lean on, when the days feel bad, and Istredd has sought her out more than once. Sometimes only to hold her, or remind each other that they're there. It feels like it's bits and pieces, adjusting to the end of what they know.

Istredd is so tired all of a sudden and he creates chair so he can simply sit down and try not to look at the many words on his boards for a few seconds. Stop for five seconds, would it kill him? Kyle can make a chair if he wants to do the same, but he feels winded, like the effort finally caught up to him. And it requires a lot of mental effort to do what he's doing in here.

"The hardest part I think is when you love and hate where you come from. I always had a lot of disdain for the Brotherhood, and for Stregobor, but they still were ... a part of me." His family/organization, his mentor. They raised him, and while it was very messed up, the way that they did, what he went through to survive, it doesn't change that it's his experience.

Stregobor he's spoken about before in terms of the mentor who was a bad person, but now he's dead, and that is something Istredd is in no way used to yet.

"Being given a choice and options--even if the choice they pick is to die," he says, awfully morbid, but it's the truth. Maybe they take people down with them as they die, maybe giving them a choice isn't a good plan ultimately.

But anything else is just imprisonment. Dress it up as kindly as you want, but it's another gilded cage no matter what. Resentment builds just as easily as misconstrued loyalty.

The 'no eels' doesn't even earn a chuckle from him.

"You don't know that," he says sternly. Despite that... Istredd, ideally, shouldn't see it. He should remain, physically, in Abraxas. Just picking up radio waves, lost frequencies, whale sounds rolling in from another time, another universe, bouncing around.

(Some punk kid Lucifer ran into once in the Horizon wondering if Lucifer could tune his irritating radio waves. Maybe he could. Maybe he is.)

Istredd stops himself before he would argue against letting them do that, because it's not him arguing in concern of the young mages. It's the Brotherhood mindset, that they're too important to be left alone. Especially now, with so few mages, they need them. It's the toxic thinking that they're still learning how to walk back on. He assumes Yennefer and the others will struggle with this too, knowing how to unravel the upbringing they have. He rubs his fingers into his eyes.

"Our time - the mages - is over. Even if Yenna trains new ones, we don't have the power anymore to manipulate thrones. I'm not sure what she'd be training them for, outside of finding Vilgefortz and killing him." Partly revenge, partly for the good of all. That man cannot be allowed to live, he's insanely dangerous, and he does intend good. Istredd thinks they never knew him even a little. He was so different, afterward.

"She said if she finds Vilgefortz, they'll find me." Which is true. If he survives to that point, so there is hope. They might not know to look for him, but Istredd is positive the man will keep him somewhere accessible to him. "I know it shouldn't matter." He can't force his brain to do that. He turns his head toward Lucifer.

"Come closer. Pull me into your arms." Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort, and that's fine. Istredd has to learn how to ask for what he wants anyway. "Tell me that we are going to do everything we can to keep us here and together. And that you care about me more than they ever could."

Istredd relaxes when he senses Louis nearby. He probably would have tensed with anyone else, but the vampire's quiet presence is very reassuring. He leans back against the bench and shakes his head. "It's not the beasts. Although I did run myself a little ragged."

Unsurprising. Istredd, as Louis knows, can be careless about his own safety. He focuses on others first. He spent the time jumping between portals, fighting one beast and then the next, although usually as a defensive assist. But Lucifer kept him grounded.

"Lucifer was possessed by the beast we set out to kill, from our sphere. He nearly killed everyone there." And Istredd is not kidding. His tone is grave. That includes Istredd, and Yennefer, and all the mages that were with them. He may have spoken about his lover before, but not that he is powerful beyond any of them. He also hasn't indicated that he is an infamous character from the Bible that Michael put into his sphere. "I had to bring him back telepathically, it weakened both of us."

Not that he minds. Istredd clawed tooth and nail through his mind to drag Lucifer back to sanity, and Yennefer is a big reason why they all lived too. The most peaceful of love triangles, to be honest. "And then the Singularity decided to deliver brand new memories from my future, right afterward. Traumatizing ones. So my brain is not doing great." His emotions either, his heart least of all, but he does feel weak mentally.

Istredd has been stripped open mentally lately due to dragging Lucifer back to sanity, so it is easy for them to melt into each other now, their minds tangling together like when they were younger and less afraid to share it all. He takes in her feelings and holds them to his heart, his own fear and anger and grief mixing. He shakes his head at what she says.

"He would have killed anyone who was there. He's ... so much more dangerous than any of us realized." Istredd doesn't think anyone who went with him would have made it. Tissaia herself couldn't handle him in his true power. Istredd wouldn't have wanted a death on his hands because he couldn't let the book go, no matter how important that book was. If he has to suffer for his choice, fine, but not someone else.

It's true though. Vilgefortz took everything from them. The relief floods through him about Triss, the idea that he might have left her to die haunted him right away. Not Triss, the kindest of them. She survived though and he lets out a breath he was holding, almost like a sob for air, just so fucking glad. Some of them made it.

The last thing he expects, despite all of this, is Tissaia being dead. That is what Yennefer means when she leaves off, and he knows what that means for her. He wants, for a moment, to ask about Stregobor, but he pushes it away because ... why should he? Why should he care about him? Yennefer actually loved Tissaia, so that is what matters. And he feels genuine grief then too, not entirely for Tissaia, who made her mistakes, but he sympathizes with her. Love made her blind. Don't they understand that? It's the worst kind of agony. His grief is for Yennefer, though.

"I'm sorry about Tissaia. It feels ... impossible to believe." Impossible that the leaders of the Brotherhood are dead or a betrayer like Vilgefortz? The pillars of their life, for better or for worse, swept away. He's thought about changing the Brotherhood before, and known it would only happen if the old guard was gone, but that isn't the same thing as wanting this. "I'm so sorry, Yenna." The girls did love Tissaia, as the boys never loved their mentors. He doesn't blame her for what Vilgefortz did, although he suspects she blamed herself.

As of now he's assuming she died in the fight though. She is a powerful mage, she must have gone down fighting, right? It's surreal. Istredd holds her tightly to him, kissing her forehead. "He's a coward. You will find him." A coward because he hid all that time, because he set up his own kind to die without caring, and his conniving ways will get him in the end. That is what Istredd wants to think, more than considering if he'll survive being under his thumb.

"What happened with Cirilla? Did he get her?" That had to be one of his intentions, on top of snagging Istredd and destroying the mages.

If he survives and if there's any piece of his sanity left to patch up. Any will remaining. It's like Istredd might not like himself if he became a killer like Lucifer. Whatever that comes out of some kinds of darkness maybe shouldn't come out at all.

It's a different problem entirely, and at the moment not presently.

Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort but he also doesn't like in general going about things the normal way as every single other person. It's what feels right, and that's not easy to find.

(He still doesn't see how comforting platitudes will help. It's what Istredd wants, what he asks for, craves, but--)

"That's not very difficult considering how they treated you--"

There is a wrong answer to the options at hand.

He pulls Istredd in. Dots simple kisses at the back of his neck, hairline, shoulder, chin. Simple. Idle distractions, nothing more. A slight buffer to give himself time.

(He doesn't think actually telling Istredd they'd do everything they can is wise because Lucifer's idea of 'everything' is at risk of being toxic and deadly to everyone else but a handful of them. Lucifer could still be the catalyst that burns the continent down but they'll make it, they'll continue on. No matter the cost.)

He can't get around this with a pun.

That this is one of the greatest struggles Lucifer's had in their relationship says a lot about him, even with the instructions. Istredd could give him an entire step-by-step manual in fifteen different languages and Lucifer would continue to stare at him with a blankness.

(Istredd maybe should've stayed with Yennefer for the time being.)

The truth is dangerous. The truth is the already-mentioned crossing worlds dangerous.

But Lucifer has no flowery words and his nature is truth, as rattled as that's been the last few years. He wraps a grounding hand around each of Istredd's arms, forehead to the back of Istredd's head. His voice is more chilling than his touch has ever been.

Careful what you ask for, Istredd.

"There is no end to the lengths I would go to in order to keep you here with me, far from their reach."

Istredd may be stronger than people think, than even they thought post-kidnapping, but he doesn't think he's the kind of person who will do well after torture. And he'll try to fight since giving Vilgefortz the key to that book would be a disaster, and Istredd wouldn't want to live with the guilt of being too soft. He wouldn't be the same after torture. He wouldn't be the same after killing freely. He killed in the battle and he doesn't regret that, not now.

"They weren't all bad people. But the best of them does seem to have gotten out with Yenna, a small handful." Maybe it's like when Lucifer refers to most humans being bad, with a few shining exceptions. The survivors were their class. Stepping up.

"Although a few of them did put me in chains so I haven't forgiven them yet." Fucking Sabrina of all people. He may hold that grudge a little longer. She danced with him the night before, smiling as she dragged him out, knowing what she'd do soon.

Istredd curls back against Lucifer by instinct and he feels better the moment he follows his instruction. Those casual touches are all meaningful. He leans back into him, seeking the comfort he demanded and getting it. He's not sorry. Lucifer is better at this than he thinks, he just doesn't have a lot of practice.

He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, a little ragged, emotional. Intellectually he disagrees and they both know that. He's glad he isn't looking at him because there may be tears stinging at the corners. Istredd has only thrived because Lucifer sees and values him.

"Just for tonight, I'm going to be selfish, and glad." Istredd has to be reasonable but right then, he is feeling too many emotions to be his logical good self. He wants to imagine someone ripping apart reality and space to cling to him, to sarifice everything for him. The just for tonight is to underline he can't always admit to this feeling ... but he may always feel it, a little bit.

The worst part is next and he pauses before continuing.

"For all my talk about putting the big picture first, I'd want to do the same. You're the beat of my heart, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-09-25 01:12 (UTC)

While he's capable of making his own chair, Kahlil seems comfortable to perch on a desk as he listens to Istredd speak more of his upbringing.

"I love my god. I will always serve Him. It... took a long time to untangle that love from the church itself. The men who taught me. And they've been gone for some years now."

He hopes it will be easier for Istredd, especially since he has someone here who lived his past with him. Kahlil idly scratches at the underside of the desk where his fingers are curled, but he keeps his focus on Istredd.

"I think it will always be a part of me. But I don't want that to mean they hold power over me anymore."

His mistakes, his choices, everything is his own now. The thought used to make him feel untethered. Sometimes, it still does. More often than not, though, he hardly thinks about it at all. And that is probably a good thing.

She feels his emotions fill her, his anger and grief and fear igniting her own anger tenfold, protective and panicked all at once. It feels almost impossible to swallow, knowing that she failed to find him in the rubble of Aretuza, just as she'd failed to find Ciri, just as she'd failed to save Tissaia. It feels like one thing after another, stacked atop each other, and Yennefer can't help but wonder what will be the final block. What will do it, after all of this.

But the thought is derailed by Istredd's words, by the understanding of what he means by it. Yennefer, in turn, tightens - her hands on his cheeks, her forehead pressed to his own. "I don't care. You shouldn't have had to be alone." She whispers at first, before taking another breath, letting her anger center her where she stands. When she'd gone to Geralt, when she'd whispered the same to him, it had been broken, quiet words. Sobs tucked somewhere in the quiet of Brokilon forest. Here, knowing some part of her life could be her's again...she is going to take it back. She will.

His relief floods through her at the news of Triss, and it's...gods, it's nice to feel it again. To have something good, something bright, that survived that night. Her thumbs brush over his cheeks, trying to be soothing, trying to hold onto that feeling (perhaps a bit selfishly), especially in light of the reminder of Tissaia. Some part of Yennefer still feels it, that hole in her chest, that part of her she'll never have back again. Never have her back again.

I'm sorry about Tissaia he says, and Yennefer feels the tears come back again, well in the corners of her eyes and spill over. She knows - had known Tissaia, to her very core. She understood the grief, the blame, the weight, the pain that she had felt. Had watched it all pile, day after day. And what had Yennefer done? Nothing. When she should have done anything at all, she'd instead been focused on finding Ciri, on moving forward, so quickly that she hadn't even realized Tissaia had fallen behind.

Istredd is assuming wrong, Yennefer knows. It's a thought she feels somewhere on the edges of her consciousness. She doesn't correct it, though he might notice that the sadness she carries is a bit heavier than even that. And maybe it's telling, just how much it hurts, that Yennefer lets herself curl into him then. That she needs the comfort, and she takes it now, letting her hands fall to wrap around his middle.

"He doesn't have her." Yennefer answers at first, letting out a breath. "She got away, but-" Gods, Yennefer hates this. Hates how no matter what she tries, it feels like everyone she cares about is slipping through her fingers. "She's missing. I'd gone to find her. She's here, from further down the path, so I know she's alright but. I couldn't find her..."

[wanda knows that they sit on the verge of something that is about to spill—in this case, words from istredd, to explain why he is feeling this particular way. as he leans over his knees, wanda does not follow; instead, she reaches foward with a hand, rests it over his back.

feels his emotions, his entirety—forces back onto him the warmth of their friendship, too.]

It seems that these memories we acquire through dreams of our future are never quite the bearers of good news.

[there is grief, certainly. her curiosity is piqued, though.]

You both did, at the same time?

"What they did to us ...." Istredd sighs, rubbing a hand across his brow. "It was abusive. Brainwashing, manipulation, cruelty, control, kidnapping, of children. Yet I keep thinking it was necessary too." When he said that to Lucifer, getting defensive of the Brotherhood in a way that was completely irrational. It's unhealthy, he doesn't know when that mindset will end. "But Yenna's taken over now, with the older group dead, and I don't know, I hope the cycle can break."

But he doesn't sound certain. It's hard to change what you're taught. They will have no eels and hopefully learn loyalty through love, not through threats. It is hard not to think that there was a time probably none of them thought they'd hurt the next generation the same way. It always came back. It's not a lack of faith in her, it's a lack of faith in any of them to break free of long-lived habits.

The thing is Istredd had no god to love, he had nothing to love at all. Until now, until here.

"I won't be there to help her," he says quietly, sitting back in the chair and looking up at the ceiling. It's beautiful, like everything in his domain. "I was captured by the enemy, and it wasn't looking good. I probably have a lot of torture in my future, and no hope of rescue, so that's ... I don't know. I know it's wiser to live in the now, but the now became this." With his memories.

Edited 2023-09-27 19:46 (UTC)

"Exhaustion of the mind." He had gotten the impression when they first met, that Istredd seemed the type to want to help out to his best ability, and now he knows it could end up being past the point of exhaustion. He gets it, the power and will that comes with protecting people one loves. It's been a while, but he still feels the ghost of it. Louis had aided, running around to redirect the beasts in sight away from the locals, but his reasoning had half the intention of helping and more to preserve a threat of destroying the little he was starting to see as a new home.

Louis listens intently, picking up on what is being said, and now he's forming a few questions that have no place in the conversation. He had raised his eyebrows at someone naming their child ‘Lucifer’, but to think it might be... It couldn't. Actually, it's falling into pieces because of the message that was sent out at the start, where the Michael he knows in Solvunn was exposed via network. Louis had to confirm he’s thee archangel from the bible. The names side by side now make sense, especially after the beast attacks were cleared.

"It just hit me that you're dating the Devil." He doesn't mean it disrespectfully and even having that thought might have once been sacrilegious. Some part of him might actually be in awestruck disbelief somewhere deep down. It’ll pass. "At least you all are safe now. Doesn't mean that it wasn't terrible. I came out with a few injuries myself, and I self-heal. New memories, you say? I hope they weren't all too bad if any?"

He has to briefly wonder if that'll happen to him, and if he even wants whatever is meant to be his. The new information regarding memories of a future self is jarring in itself.

"Yes, the devil." Istredd says with a sigh. He's too tired to worry that much about how people know the devil, Lucifer, as a villain. If Castiel can get over Istredd dating his worst enemy/brother, he assumes Louis can accept he has his reasons. "He's not what you think. All I ask is you reserve judgment until you meet him."

Lucifer is an ass so that doesn't mean it will be a perfect meeting either, but the difference is that Louis will see for himself that he's a person. A powerful person, an archangel, but he isn't some boogeyman from a story. "He's annoying and difficult, but he's very real. And he loves me, against all his instincts." Not that Lucifer even knows that he loves Istredd. It's a term that is alien to him, but Istredd is permanently in a telempathic bond with him. He feels it whenever they're together, but he doesn't want to freak him out, so he's never called him out on it.

Louis' is different. They've been very open about the loves of their lives at this point and he knows that the vampire will be more open-minded than most. "The memories are all bad. My home is destroyed, most of my people dead, and I'm captured by a truly evil person, known for drugging and torturing people." Istredd has nothing good to say about this situation. He is practically an open wound at the moment, his voice raw saying all of that in one breath.

"I'm acquainted with Michael. I also know what's someone else's business is theirs." He likes Michael, and if anything he's more on the fence of meeting any of the Winchesters from what he heard. He does judge, but not for this, especially after their last conversation. Lestat was arguably considered a point of view for evil if seen from the outside, and Claudia had her serial killer means. He didn't agree with them over their killing, but he still loved them. Istredd's ask is only a mirror, transporting him back to the frustrations of why he does not open up. Istredd has the courage to ask what Louis couldn't, which in itself is admirable. There's assurance in his tone.

"I'm not religious anymore. I think everyone, even 'the devil', deserves a second chance. I ain't no saint myself." He wants to make sure Istredd knows his peace on it, at least the extent he can admit. And yes, even if Lucifer would be an asshole to him he'll keep an open mind for the day he were to ever meet him. It's the next part that keeps him quiet out of respect when he picks up on the vulnerability over these memories. It's a silent honoring, what he's done with Claudia's shrine when he visits. To people gone, to a home destroyed, to the loss of it all. He finds he truly feels for Istredd and his loss. Louis would be angry, but he keeps it to himself. Instead, it's melancholy that wins out.

"You're here. I hope you find solace in the home you've made for yourself. It'll hurt for a long time. If I know something from the time we've known one another, it's that you're strong-willed, Istredd."

"Michael and I get along decently. They're all tortured in their own way, their God was harsher on the angels than anyone else." It's very strange if you think about it. His first creations, designed to worship him and never ask questions, and they're the ones he focuses on hurting. Istredd can't make heads or tails of what their 'Father' was thinking or his motivations, but they don't know either. He's much more spiteful toward that God than anything else.

He reaches out to take Louis' hand, comfortable in their connection to do that. "I think everyone who adapts to this place eventually starts to see it as a second chance." Probably because they have to do that. Otherwise they'll be stuck in this place forever with no sense of purpose.

"I am happy here, it's not very easy when you love and hate the same people. You understand." Since Louis and he have already discussed the mixed feelings toward Lestat, and possibly even Claudia. "The way they raised us was monstrous and they weren't good people, but they were the only family I knew. And my mentor wasn't my father, but I still hoped he could change, and he's dead now."

Istredd did 'betray' Stregobor right before coming here, reporting him to the others, when he thought he was the villain. He wanted him to see justice, but not for him to die. Now they will never have closure, eternally. It's the mixed feelings that are staying with him. The Brotherhood was never something he thought could end. It was supposed to permanently exist as a headache that he would eventually have to take over like the rest of his class.

"I'll be okay, I just haven't mourned."

If this was months ago Lucifer might argue that he shouldn't be the beat of Istredd's heart. That some part of all this is wrong. Heck, if even a few weeks ago. He's too tired now, again, for new reasons. Too mentally wrung-out. He's accepted that Istredd, as much as Lucifer thinks him crazy and an idiot (more so than anyone looking on at their relationship from the outside), does love him.

He can accept this, too. With all the dark connotations it brings--that it's not just from his side, but Istredd's, too. That's important and, arguable, not Lucifer's fault.

"Yennefer will execute anyone that doesn't cave to her ways," he says in... reassurance.

It's what he would do.

"Fiiiine, just for tonight," he agrees, for a few seconds, because Lucifer can't exactly tear apart the cosmos for some mage that he's heavily connected to and treasures more than a possession if only because the kids are in that same cosmos (though they'd likely understand and forgive him, and isn't that equally screwed up). His arms are a vice. He presses his cheek to Istredd's. Just for tonight Lucifer could destroy the universe. However. "However," he echoes, and their minds are still too nauseatingly conjoined, Lucifer's words too precise, "I imagine my value for you to be eternal."

If only a constant wound. If Istredd dies, if Istredd for some inane reason betrays him, the man's mark on him, the intense weight, will always be there. Whatever knot of Lucifer's feelings cannot be ignored, just joins the similar (askance) feelings Lucifer has for family.

Whether or not he wants them to.

Istredd couldn't help himself, feeling this way. He can't help himself now. It's useless to try. He can live without Lucifer and they both know they'd have to, it's not as if that can change. They are stuck here and it might be solo. They've talked before about wanting the other person to keep living. He means it. This is only a moment of weakness that he feels like he should be allowed to have. Istredd wants to be saved. It reminds him of the Pit, when he thought they wouldn't make it in time, as he slowly died.

He hooks an arm around Lucifer's neck behind him, his fingers a caress into his hair. He leans back into his embrace and closes his eyes, letting the pain exist. Dealing with it, as he said he had to. It would be easier to take it away, but not better.

"The multiverse comes first," Istredd admits. They both know that. He can want Lucifer to say the words and take some solace in it, which is why he's going to let himself have it for a few seconds. He can't risk Lucifer getting sent back to his death as punishment for trying to break the universe, or any of their loved ones. It's more about intention. It is, as he says, about value.

"But I'd probably go crazy just for a little while." Not so crazy that he'd tear things apart, but still. Istredd is being responsible to see it that way. He'd let the others in to keep him from blowing the world up. They can both count on them.

"Sorry. I didn't want to make this week worse for us." They know it isn't his choice but he's so broken. It's a reminder of how much he botched the bond that they're bleeding like this. "Maybe it's time to put some walls up." Istredd isn't trying to push him away or force space between them, the problem is he doesn't want to. He's greedy and selfish. He wants that beautiful mind to be his. But no one can deny the damage done.

The multiverse has no value to Lucifer. Far as he's concerned they're just pages on pages of some God's--maybe not his--worlds.

He's egotistical enough to only care about the world he's on, and that's only to the point where it serves his interests. The only good thing being 'his interests' have expanded.

Maybe someone will be around to stop either one of them.

Maybe no one would be left (in which case Lucifer fully believes Istredd capable and willing to tear things apart).

Maybe in some laughable possibility everything will be fine and they'll have a future. Wouldn't that be something?

The damage is... significant. The simple way of Istredd reacting to Lucifer going under initially in the fight was significant. It can't be ignored and even Lucifer in a more recent stretch has shared equally in that greed.

It's codependency at its worst.

"I don't want to." What? Someone had to say it. "We just... need it back to what it was before the mountains. That was fine."

Istredd usually hopes for the best on this front. He wants to imagine a version of a happy ending for them where they stay in this world, together and with their friends, for centuries. Maybe a part of him is fixated on the new gods being Summoned because it means they've been here for so long. Obviously, they don't want to become them precisely, but it's still the potential to stay here.

And nothing will ever be a 'happy ending' with all the nonsense and turmoil going on, but it'll be close, for them.

Istredd turns in Lucifer's arms but doesn't remove them from around him, in fact he puts a hand there to make certain he stays that close. He needs physical reassurance. It does put them pretty much nose to nose which he doesn't mind either, it's not new for them. Once secured, his hand caresses Lucifer's cheek.

"I don't want to either. But this happened because of my selfishness." The unhealthy aspect of their bond is solely his problem. Yes, Lucifer wanted it and allowed it, he may have even pushed it if Istredd did make the bond efficiently. They keep wanting to be closer.

He doesn't want to do anything that puts walls between them. It's more concern and guilt for Lucifer driving him.

"I just ... don't want my love for you to do more damage than good."

To think Lucifer's always quietly concerned with being the toxic one between the two of them. That love could be a corruptible force shouldn't be surprising to him of all people, isn't that arguably what fueled and warped him with his Father?

It's maybe this reason alone that he acknowleges Istredd has a point.

"I know waiting may make it worse but... I think doing it while we're both," look he's finally putting voice to his own state!, "unstable is unwise."

Love can be the most dangerous emotion of them all. It drives people to do all kinds of things, bad and good. Istredd and Yennefer made their bond before they were in love and they did it the official Brotherhood way. Theirs was always stronger than most because of their emotional binds, but it's still always been appropriate. But Yennefer is better at her boundaries.

"I'm worried if we wait, we'll find reasons not to do it."

When they're in their right minds, they'll have all kinds of rationality about why they were not at their best and they're fine. They can go back to before the mountains, like Lucifer said, that's what they'll say. He rests their foreheads against each other.

"So. We'll have to agree that when we're both stable, we won't brush it off. If we keep going in this direction, we won't be able to block the other anymore. We'll be bleeding into each other."

They'll be two minds blending into one rather than individuals. Istredd was never warned about this because Stregobor wasn't capable of loving anyone enough to let them get this close. They were of course all told to be careful, but this was more of an accident than an active choice. They need to be able to still block each other. Like Istredd when he's with Yennefer or dealing with something on his end, or when Lucifer wants his quiet or to talk to others separately. They need the option.

"You have to hold me accountable, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-10-03 18:53 (UTC)

"If we do it now though we are going to lose bits between each other." Taking the idea of lost keys to a jacked level.

At the very least though he does need to be able to block Istredd. He'd still say it's for Istredd's safety, regardless what may actually be true--he hardly knows his own motives much of the time.

"I will." Hold him accountable. "I promise." It's extremely rare that he's willing to ever make any kind of promise, and Istredd would be well aware of that by now.

They have been mostly on a reasonable level before now. Able to block, able to separate their minds, and use the bond only by choice. The monster threw a wrench in things, it was too loud and intense and it required Istredd to dive in deeper. And then this happened and Lucifer tried to block out the feelings for him, and it's a mess.

"We need to be able to do that in an emergency, but ... if it happens again, I think we'll be in a better spot if we've already built-in the defenses." They do need to be ready for if Lucifer loses himself, not to a monster but to his grace, that was an agreement they made. It's why Istredd doesn't feel guilty about what he had to do, but also why he thinks they need to learn from it.

"I'm making this up as I go," he admits. "This wasn't something I trained for. Stregobor trained me to break minds, not love them."

And he's gone now so it's not like you can get mad at him.

It's slipped over followed by a mild apology because yes he believed it, no did he want Istredd to hear it.

"Yeaaaaah..."

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The elves created secret passages everywhere

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careful what you ask for, Istredd

found a little error while re-reading

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