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Lucifer. Even now in his pain and misery Istredd focuses on Lucifer because honestly, prioritizing things based on how bad it is comes naturally. He will have weeks to sort out what he's feeling, but Lucifer only recently went through another trauma. Something forced on his mind and himself out of his control. Istredd is on top of him, and he leans their foreheads together, keeping him close physically if still gently pushing him from that tight wrap of their minds.

Think of all the times we've talked about our pasts and what we've been through. I couldn't make you stop being sad about Jack, but I was there for you to talk about it. And you've done that for me.

Lucifer even pushed him about the Brotherhood itself, and he was grateful for it. He may be a little sensitive about it right now, but that didn't make it any less true. They've felt each other's pain before but they are both just very raw at the moment. It's a bad week for it.

"I pushed into your mind with the monster because you were out of it. But I'm not berserk, I'm just really fucking sad." That is in essence the strongest emotion coming from this. The death of people he knew, the death of someone he both hated and loved (Stregobor), the end of his family and home. And he can't change any of that but refusing to feel the sadness isn't an option either.

He starts to get up but feels too shaky, staying where he is instead and simply burying his nose back into the crook of Lucifer's neck. It's his favorite spot when he wants to block out the room and the world and anything but the pulse of Lucifer's vessel heart strung down the neck and the smell and feel of him. It's soothing. That's why he likes it. It's only Lucifer in every sense he has, filling him in physical ways that aren't through their bond. Comfort in itself.

"All you need to do is be here. Remind me of what I have here. That's all."

He's fine.

It was fine.

He got through it even if it meant he had no choice but to rely on them or no one was getting off that mountain but he trusted them to take care of him. Put him down, if they had to. At least Yennefer could if Istredd wouldn't.

You couldn't talk me out of anything with Jack, that's the whole point. Stem the tide! Istredd probably could have stopped Lucifer from feeling and wouldn't it be nice if that could work without issues of control being involved.

He's a hypocrite. He's always a hypocrite. He's the biggest hypocrite.

He wants his power back, but he doesn't want to lose his connections with people.

He wants his power back, but he also sometimes still wants to shut off all his emotions again because while he's seen a benefit to them they're so often a hindrance and this is a prime example. Why should Istredd have to feel 'really fucking sad' when it just doesn't need to exist?

(He wants people to understand that to appreciate Light you need to have Darkness and it's the same damn concept: to appreciate joy you need to have pain but of course he's just going to fight against that like a caged beast wanting out but don't worry he's fine he's absolutely in control of himself.)

He said once before Istredd shouldn't have to deal with him and that was at the very beginning of the bond and still holds true as far as Lucifer is concerned.

Lucifer's always been meticulous and careful and thought-through dealing with other people's problems, on his own terms, in his own time. He hasn't been so abruptly thrust into the middle of a hailstorm of it and trying to find any orientation.

Of course he's going to sink back to what he knows.

His mind recedes and his head hurts and it has nothing to do with what he did or Istredd and maybe maybe maybe he's not fine he's still so tired.

"I asked you to do it," he says first, and it echoes with a pang in his head. He closes his eyes. Focuses on the pressure from Istredd's forehead. "Not for that same context but it was close enough." Lucifer losing himself. He's not sure Istredd really acted on purpose though and maybe it was just panic. Lucifer still told him to.

He wraps his arms behind Istredd's back, tight, tighter than normal. Pressing, weighted. He doesn't think Istredd's request is enough. Thinks he could do more, should do more, should be powerful enough to shape the world around him. Even if. Even if others just being there for Lucifer has been enough.

But that's the problem.

That's him.

He's not the same as everyone else--he doesn't function the same way--he wasn't made for this--

What does it matter to remind Istredd what's here when it turns out he doesn't have any choice when memories just swan-dive to him? When despite any life they build has a chance to go head to head with the literal future? There's only bad ahead for Lucifer. That doesn't mean that's the same for whatever destruction Istredd just experienced.

But sometimes. Sometimes he can follow basic instructions.

His voice is weaker than by any rights it should be. That must mean he'll remind Istredd of himself, and the kids, and Yennefer, and the tantalizing temptation of Hayle, and his books, and the Singularity.

What comes out: "Well, nothing's on fire here."

Okay. Sometimes he can follow basic instructions but clearly not right now.

Istredd is incapable of putting him down, and in a lot of ways, this was a test drive. A horrible type of test drive considering their fears about Lucifer and his grace. Them presented with the real case of Lucifer unable to remember himself or anyone else, looking for the kill, and Istredd's actions were entirely intentional. He had to give lightning fast and precise emotional and mental pushes to surround Lucifer the way he recommended.

If Yennefer could have or would have had to put him down that day, it would be with Istredd's power. And that's the type of thing that would haunt him, although he'd also be grateful that someone else could do it. Istredd would let Lucifer tear him to pieces before he'd fight back. He fights in his own way. And for now they have reassurance it worked. It can work, as long as it does.

He knows this is hard for Lucifer. He's well aware that emotions are hard for him and that he's communicated how frustrating it is to witness the suffering of humans, how it's more than he knew or expected. And now he had to wake up to Istredd's active sadness, pain and grief, and it wasn't even the emotions Lucifer would have preferred, like anger or hatred.

Istredd can't muster the anger right now, despite having people he could absolutely be furious at. It is still all too much to piece it apart.

Is it a little exhausting that he has to take care of Lucifer right then? Yes. Would it be simpler if he was with someone who knew how to comfort, knew how to be compassionate and supportive? Yes. But they're not perfect people. They're not the perfect couple. It was never going to be easy.

And he knows, in a way he has carefully not made clear to Lucifer yet so he can come to it himself, that Lucifer loves him. In his way, he does. And that is why he cares, and struggles, and wants to cut off all of Istredd's feelings so neither of them has to suffer, and also why he stays, why he wraps his arms around Istredd and holds onto him. Why Lucifer's walked down this path for the first time, despite all the reasons he shouldn't, and thought he couldn't.

Istredd huffs into Lucifer's neck at that, an almost laugh, and takes in a deep breath, letting it out. He's quiet for a few seconds but it's clear it isn't an awkward silence, he's contemplating. Pensive.

"He trapped me by using a book as bait." Istredd sighs. It's almost funny, honestly. "I'm an idiot."

Edited 2023-09-07 22:17 (UTC)

If Lucifer was a well put-together individual he wouldn't be himself. He wouldn't be any bit of the one Istredd fell in love with. Whatever version of himself that might come out on the other side eventually is never going to be the most compassionate and supportive sort That doesn't make his failings any better exactly, but it's what they got going for them.

He snorts.

Okay, but that is, unfortunately, kind of funny.

Sorry, Istredd. Hey, at least he got some stray form of near-laughter from Istredd. It's something.

"Who's the asshole?" He knows it isn't Stregobor, just from seeing the statue version of the man. Doesn't know the man with that smile that pisses Lucifer off.

It is kind of funny. That is the type of trap that Lucifer would set for him, for example. And it would work just as well.

"It was an important book," he protests. "The key to traveling between spheres." Something that would be of interest to them here too. It just means that Istredd's interests continue to align exactly, here or there, and his concerns too. A book like that in the wrong hands was too terrifying, enough that he did what Vilgefortz wanted and set off the trap.

He pulls away from Lucifer's neck, sitting back slightly, uncertainty crossing his face.

"Vilgefortz. He set up Stregobor so we were all focusing on him, and snuck the enemy's troops where we were meeting. He was trusted and respected by most of the mages, for him to sneak under everyone's suspicion for so long ... I don't know what else he's capable of."

Not the best reality for the person now captured by him.

Well now he likely shouldn't use a book to trap Istredd. That just brings up rude reminders. Why would Lucifer trap Istredd? Oh, numerous reasons, most of them for his own amusement. But it's fine. Lucifer is creative.

"Did you get to read it?"

Unlikely. That would have been handy.

Lucifer's still trying to sort through the jumble of Istredd's memories like they where photos to a scrapbook. It's better to focus on that. The logic, without the feeling. He's not trying to push away Istredd's abundant sorrow but he's just. Not quite looking at it too closely, for too long.

But he's missing something, just out of grasp, like the book, the darkness indiscernible to him.

He reaches up, quick, touches Istredd's cheek, makes him look at him. "Were you okay?" He doesn't mean emotionally. He doesn't mean this him. He means is he alive. Or badly injured. He's looking for the physical phantom pains.

He's missing the rest of Vilgefortz's words, what he did to him.

"No," he grumbles, unsurprisingly frustrated. Istredd tried to hunt down that book from the moment he heard of it, for months upon end, and every time he came close, it was pulled away. "I was so close." If he hadn't been trapped, he could have taken it and hid it somewhere. Finding time to translate.

"The plan was to help the elves find their own sphere. They're being genocided despite being the original inhabitants. They can't find peace on our continent." Istredd with his bleeding heart was trying to do whatever he could to save them, even working with Fringilla, which made him sick to do after Sodden. This plan was finally the one that could work. He could set them free. But in the wrong hands, this is going to get bad fast.

Istredd glances up at the touch and into Lucifer's eyes, and there is the sorrow again, but it is mixed with blatant fear now. "He took me alive on purpose. I think he wants me to use the book for him." It makes sense. Vilgefortz seems very strategic, more so than anyone realized. He wants the person who can make it work.

"He's ... it won't be good for me. He's cruel and violent and has been experimenting on people. Hurting them." Istredd doesn't know if being alive in this case is a good thing. They've spoken before about torture, and how Dean gave into it after a time, and Istredd was skeptical he could have fought against it himself. He knows he'll try, the book is too dangerous, but Vilgefortz could torture him for decades. "Any survivors will think I died." This is part of what he is sad about. "No one will come looking for me."

Rescue won't happen. It fits in with his general struggle of being noticed, of being important. He won't be. He won't be saved.

Well, it would've been nice, but they're no worse than where they started without the book.

Just outta reach, isn't that always how it goes?

He wonders if the fae here were the original inhabitants.

There's a thrum of anger at Vilgefortz but there isn't anything he can do about it, just hope that Istredd doesn't get another updated memory download.

Or go back.

All those good kind of problems.

He pulls Istredd down to him to kiss him, distract him. If I could cross worlds for you, I would. Maybe split apart realities. Crack open the Singularity. Bring him back to here.

Istredd's surprised by the kiss since he's already distracted by all the worst realities of this, but it is easily grounding. He returns it, running his fingers through Lucifer's hair, curling his other hand into his shirt, holding him there.

It's really bad if I say I wish you would, right? That I want someone to think I'm worth it? And not something Istredd would want when he is sane and calm and can think about the big picture. Lucifer trying to tear through realities to get to him is a bad idea, it's dangerous. Even joking about it is dangerous. But Istredd's thought about the same thing before, about what he'd do if he lost Lucifer. That's the problem with love. It makes people irrational.

He breaks out of the kiss with a sharp breath in of air, and he seems out of control again for a second, but not with the visions from before. Instead Istredd seems momentarily far away, and then he's back, blinking through the confusion.

"Yenna thinks I'm dead." She cried out to him but he also felt her power all the way from here. It's Chaos, whirling. She has it back. "She knows what happened next." Which means he has to go explain to her what happened on his end and hear whatever terrible things he missed. Istredd kisses Lucifer's forehead gently before pushing off him, standing.

"I'll be back. I love you." Istredd can't unfortunately wait to get anything back from Lucifer because Yennefer is literally running toward them and he'd rather get to her first while they talk this through. He has to go.

As promised, he does come back not that long after. Istredd did put his usual block around them to talk it all out, Yennefer would hate the idea of anyone knowing the extent of her vulnerability, even by feeling it through Istredd. He looks like the depression has fully fallen onto his shoulders when he walks back in, the block dropping to have this general sense of numbness and shock. It's clear whatever he heard, or however he's feeling about it, is not in any way better than before.

I mean, yes, it's probably bad. But it's one thing for Lucifer to not lose himself if Istredd's gone and another thing if Istredd's gone and then going to be potentially tortured and experimented on and then maybe if he's lucky killed. Sure the sane version of Istredd wouldn't want it, but Istredd in this moment and the Istredd that would be at the mercy of Vilgefortz wouldn't care how many universes Lucifer destroyed.

God's destroyed more for petty reasons.

At least Lucifer would be doing it for someone else.

He blinks, again thrown, when Istredd breaks away, floundering to catch up. This whiplash tonight isn't good for him. For either of them.

He stays laying out on Istredd's bed, eyes closed, letting his mind metaphorically pool out around him and sort out the flecks that remained damaged from his round with the myriapod as his copilot. That he ignored and swept back into the sea of his mind in favor of his exhaustion. It's harder to ignore now.

He doesn't lock it all back up when Istredd gets back, feeling his approach more than he usually would. Honestly he could likely smell the depression, and his senses aren't that good these days.

"So why'd you punch Geralt?"

He doubts Yennefer had any good news and she knows Istredd is alive, so he's just going to go with that, as though maybe it'll pull some other emotions out of Istredd.

Istredd obviously is concerned for the intensity of their connection right now which is why he pushed him away, but they'll get through it, he's confident in that. They'll have to just find the edges that are theirs again. It's been a hard time, he decides they'll have to give themselves a break about it. They couldn't have seen this coming back to back.

Also he is just very tired and can't worry about everything at the moment. Istredd would not have given Lucifer such whiplash if it didn't seem like the wise thing to do at the time. Yennefer wouldn't have wanted that conversation to be nearby anyone else.

He crawls onto the bed and curls up next to Lucifer, placing his head on his chest. Hearing the vessel's heart beat, another reminder to himself that he is elsewhere. Caught in this world, not there. "It was a distraction he didn't warn me about. We were trying to get into Stregobor's study without him noticing, so he started a fight with me, assuming Stregobor would pay attention." There is a sharp feeling of pain there again, like a stab to the heart.

"He told me to go with it so I did." They work well together when they need to. Istredd reaches over to take Lucifer's hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing his knuckles affectionately.

"He's dead." He thought saying it out loud would help. But he's not in denial. It's complicated. "Stregobor." Lucifer knows that despite Istredd's dislike of the man, despite the fact they were trying to trap him that night, he didn't want him dead. It isn't as simple as hatred between them. Because it wasn't hatred from Stregobor. Whatever Istredd felt or said, his mentor cared for him, in whatever small way his cruel heart would allow.

As someone with a complicated relationship with their own shitty father, Lucifer probably understands. No matter what Istredd says about him not having a family, a parent, tonight has proven that he wasn't telling the full truth, not to himself.

If they could see the problems they have to come they would likely go insane. Precognition ain't all it's cracked up to be.

He thumps an arm and a leg around Istredd.

"Well, satisfactory even if he asked for it, I imagine."

Lucifer's amusement is short-lived. Why wouldn't it be.

"Ah." He's too winded to keep the 'good riddance' implication from his thoughts and he winces. Ehhh. "Ah," he repeats, unhelpfully. He knows it's complicated, obviously. He does get it. That doesn't change his thoughts on the matter.

"I don't think he expected me to knock him across the room with magic, but he literally asked for it." Istredd smiles with very little humor, but he'll give it to them both, this moment of pettiness. It was funny. He'll be seeing Geralt tomorrow and find out then if he's updated the same way. The head throwing will be a joke either way.

He puts an arm around Lucifer's waist instead of getting offended by his good riddance energy. It's true. Stregobor was a bad person on many different levels. A lot of his struggle right now is that Istredd shouldn't be upset that someone like Stregobor died, not after everything. But he thinks this might be mourning. And that is a complicated reality.

"All of the older generation died. Yenna's mentor Tissaia too." At least Triss was alive. Istredd's not sure he could have lived with having left her to die. "As long as he was alive, some part of me would hope he'd change." Stregobor was never going to change. In a way, taking that away from Istredd is good, it was a foolish and naive part of him. But that hope is dead now too.

They're all shaped by someone, whether or not there are levels of caring involved to back it. Doesn't have to be a parent. Doesn't mean any of them have to be happy. There's just facts in their lives they can't alter. And in Istredd's screwed-up mage collective, Stregobor was who he had--for better, but likely for worse.

You don't have to care about someone to mourn.

"People don't change in their native environment."

Maybe Stregobor could've after said native environment for all intents and purposes 'blew up' and went through a bit of terraforming. Maybe if he was the only 'older generation' left. Lucifer doubts it.

Maybe if he was here and Lucifer didn't kill him on sight he'd have a real chance at what Istredd was always hoping for.

His statement is more optimistic than it would've been in the past though.

It is a more optimistic statement and Istredd lifts up on an elbow next to him, so he can look at him. Lucifer changed outside of his native environment so he's speaking from experience, and it's something Istredd's seen since coming here, witnessed and done himself. He cups Lucifer's cheek and leans in to kiss him with feeling, lingering a few seconds before pulling back, but still gazing at him.

"I definitely don't want him to come here. For one, he'd probably become the queen's favorite advisor and replace Ambrose within a year." Stregobor is an ass in many ways but he's a master manipulator. Who knows what he and the queen would get up to together. "For two, you'd kill him immediately and get in trouble."

Istredd smiles at him. "Not for me, you'd just instantly hate him for himself." He likely would remind Lucifer a little too much of his own father in some ways. He's got that vibe.

"I got a flashback right now to us on the perch, when I told you about him." The perch being the usual place Lucifer sits now when he's thinking, that he knows Istredd can find him at. "He could never be you."

"Kyle would help me hide the body." More than likely, anyway. He could be convinced. Especially with the body being Stregobor. Kell would, too, but Lucifer wouldn't bring Kell into it. "He wouldn't even have time to butter-up the queen." He also likely wouldn't make it a few days, and only that long so that they could prep doing a murder without getting caught.

It would mostly be for Istredd. If Lucifer killed everyone he didn't like on sight he'd already be permanantely locked up by now.

"Well, I should hope not," he says jokingly, a touch of false sweetness, a pinch mischievous, "we don't need you romancing your mentor."

"That's not what I want if he does show up, you know that right?" At this point it is actually possible. It could happen. There are five people from his sphere there, one of the higher number. Who knows if this is one of Thorne's favorite spheres to pull from. Istredd would hate to have to be in a position where he has to spend all his time protecting Stregobor of all people.

Because he'd still want to believe. That's the problem.

Istredd scrunches up his nose and kisses Lucifer lightly. "I don't have that kind of father issues." Istredd would not use the word 'daddy.' It's not in his vocabulary. The implication is the same thing.

"Fine, he gets a month, maybe two if I'm feeling charitable, that's enough time for something to go horribly wrong for him to show his colors."

He's just working off experience, okay. Tried and true experience with this place.

But he's not going to prevent anyone else from offing the guy.

... Ugh. Who's he kidding. He would.

So annoying.

So no murder (right away), but definitely threatening and maybe some bodily harm.

He lets out a laugh at Istredd's reaction. Any change to the open pit of sadness is a win in Lucifer's book.

"Two months is very fair, thank you." Negotiating the potential murder of his already dead mentor, completely reasonable. Istredd has no idea at this moment in time what he'd do if Stregobor showed up tomorrow. There are already too many emotions going on. He might be so relieved he's breathing that he would give him two months before realizing he was a lost cause.

He moves onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. Istredd threads their fingers together though, holding some point of contact. "Linhardt asked me if my leaning into mental magic was a choice, but it wasn't. Stregobor pulled me out of the group, said I had the temperament for his specialization. He molded me into his protege." And the young and shy Istredd felt special because of it. That sort of attention meant he'd probably survive too, that he was safer.

"They make you grateful for keeping you alive, so your life is theirs forever. I should be happy they're dead. Yenna plans on restarting but ... training the right way. Not like how we were raised." Changing the toxic pattern, now that the old guard is dead, and the organization was burned down. It could be restarted with a different approach.

It's perfectly reasonable. Sensible, even! Important to know.

But then if Stregobor did show up tomorrow Lucifer would not be running a solo operation, he'd be pulling help and it would not be involving either of the mages that might have some warped and varied emotional involvement. He supposes besides Kyle it might be Thancred. Sabine, if he could swing it under the right reasoning.

(He misses Natasha a bit more everyday, but that's a different problem.)

"Not all cages are physical," he say knowingly. "I hope Yennefer knows what she's doing."

"So do I. We can say all we want that we wouldn't kidnap and force anyone, but what's the other option? Leaving them to die from Chaos? I suppose the difference could be letting them stay with their families and coming to them to train. Or sending them home every night, if that's what they want."

They have portals that can bring them anywhere. It would be just as easy to portal to another city to meet with a trainee daily or bring them to the school and back again. There are options. They've just never thought of them before. It's always been one way. Giving the choice is what would matter. Some of them might prefer going to school full-time. He hasn't talked with Yennefer about her plan. There are so few mages left now.

"No eels, at least. That I know." Yennefer lost one of the only girls who was nice to her that way. And Tissaia even made her do it. Ridiculous. They don't have any well of magic for them to put them in. So there are changes.

"But I'm not going to be there to see it."

"Being given a choice and options--even if the choice they pick is to die," he says, awfully morbid, but it's the truth. Maybe they take people down with them as they die, maybe giving them a choice isn't a good plan ultimately.

But anything else is just imprisonment. Dress it up as kindly as you want, but it's another gilded cage no matter what. Resentment builds just as easily as misconstrued loyalty.

The 'no eels' doesn't even earn a chuckle from him.

"You don't know that," he says sternly. Despite that... Istredd, ideally, shouldn't see it. He should remain, physically, in Abraxas. Just picking up radio waves, lost frequencies, whale sounds rolling in from another time, another universe, bouncing around.

(Some punk kid Lucifer ran into once in the Horizon wondering if Lucifer could tune his irritating radio waves. Maybe he could. Maybe he is.)

Istredd stops himself before he would argue against letting them do that, because it's not him arguing in concern of the young mages. It's the Brotherhood mindset, that they're too important to be left alone. Especially now, with so few mages, they need them. It's the toxic thinking that they're still learning how to walk back on. He assumes Yennefer and the others will struggle with this too, knowing how to unravel the upbringing they have. He rubs his fingers into his eyes.

"Our time - the mages - is over. Even if Yenna trains new ones, we don't have the power anymore to manipulate thrones. I'm not sure what she'd be training them for, outside of finding Vilgefortz and killing him." Partly revenge, partly for the good of all. That man cannot be allowed to live, he's insanely dangerous, and he does intend good. Istredd thinks they never knew him even a little. He was so different, afterward.

"She said if she finds Vilgefortz, they'll find me." Which is true. If he survives to that point, so there is hope. They might not know to look for him, but Istredd is positive the man will keep him somewhere accessible to him. "I know it shouldn't matter." He can't force his brain to do that. He turns his head toward Lucifer.

"Come closer. Pull me into your arms." Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort, and that's fine. Istredd has to learn how to ask for what he wants anyway. "Tell me that we are going to do everything we can to keep us here and together. And that you care about me more than they ever could."

If he survives and if there's any piece of his sanity left to patch up. Any will remaining. It's like Istredd might not like himself if he became a killer like Lucifer. Whatever that comes out of some kinds of darkness maybe shouldn't come out at all.

It's a different problem entirely, and at the moment not presently.

Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort but he also doesn't like in general going about things the normal way as every single other person. It's what feels right, and that's not easy to find.

(He still doesn't see how comforting platitudes will help. It's what Istredd wants, what he asks for, craves, but--)

"That's not very difficult considering how they treated you--"

There is a wrong answer to the options at hand.

He pulls Istredd in. Dots simple kisses at the back of his neck, hairline, shoulder, chin. Simple. Idle distractions, nothing more. A slight buffer to give himself time.

(He doesn't think actually telling Istredd they'd do everything they can is wise because Lucifer's idea of 'everything' is at risk of being toxic and deadly to everyone else but a handful of them. Lucifer could still be the catalyst that burns the continent down but they'll make it, they'll continue on. No matter the cost.)

He can't get around this with a pun.

That this is one of the greatest struggles Lucifer's had in their relationship says a lot about him, even with the instructions. Istredd could give him an entire step-by-step manual in fifteen different languages and Lucifer would continue to stare at him with a blankness.

(Istredd maybe should've stayed with Yennefer for the time being.)

The truth is dangerous. The truth is the already-mentioned crossing worlds dangerous.

But Lucifer has no flowery words and his nature is truth, as rattled as that's been the last few years. He wraps a grounding hand around each of Istredd's arms, forehead to the back of Istredd's head. His voice is more chilling than his touch has ever been.

Careful what you ask for, Istredd.

"There is no end to the lengths I would go to in order to keep you here with me, far from their reach."

Istredd may be stronger than people think, than even they thought post-kidnapping, but he doesn't think he's the kind of person who will do well after torture. And he'll try to fight since giving Vilgefortz the key to that book would be a disaster, and Istredd wouldn't want to live with the guilt of being too soft. He wouldn't be the same after torture. He wouldn't be the same after killing freely. He killed in the battle and he doesn't regret that, not now.

"They weren't all bad people. But the best of them does seem to have gotten out with Yenna, a small handful." Maybe it's like when Lucifer refers to most humans being bad, with a few shining exceptions. The survivors were their class. Stepping up.

"Although a few of them did put me in chains so I haven't forgiven them yet." Fucking Sabrina of all people. He may hold that grudge a little longer. She danced with him the night before, smiling as she dragged him out, knowing what she'd do soon.

Istredd curls back against Lucifer by instinct and he feels better the moment he follows his instruction. Those casual touches are all meaningful. He leans back into him, seeking the comfort he demanded and getting it. He's not sorry. Lucifer is better at this than he thinks, he just doesn't have a lot of practice.

He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, a little ragged, emotional. Intellectually he disagrees and they both know that. He's glad he isn't looking at him because there may be tears stinging at the corners. Istredd has only thrived because Lucifer sees and values him.

"Just for tonight, I'm going to be selfish, and glad." Istredd has to be reasonable but right then, he is feeling too many emotions to be his logical good self. He wants to imagine someone ripping apart reality and space to cling to him, to sarifice everything for him. The just for tonight is to underline he can't always admit to this feeling ... but he may always feel it, a little bit.

The worst part is next and he pauses before continuing.

"For all my talk about putting the big picture first, I'd want to do the same. You're the beat of my heart, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-09-25 01:12 (UTC)

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gross sobbing I'm Sorry

i'm so sorry

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careful what you ask for, Istredd

found a little error while re-reading