abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] into an ocean

There's only one left now.

[ One less letter in the small stack of them he'd been handed after asking how to help. Though there weren't many when they'd started delivering them, it feels like it might've well been a mountain's worth when the door to this house in Libertas shuts in their face after handing it over to an understandably distressed resident inside. When there's so little they can do to make this right, this task feels all the more heavy for it.

There's much about the island they've never spoken about. Much that Claude's been as equally content as Sylvain to let lie, to pretend it was buried in the past when instead it continually comes forward to the present in so many ways even before the physical return to it just last month. But here it is again in what they have to deliver, and for all the evasions he has to employ: Claude's well aware there's only so long they can continue to avoid it.

With a small sigh, he looks to the next envelope clutched in his hand along with its delivery notes, stares at it for a pause as they walk down the street, and then glances up to Sylvain. ]

This address is back in the area that was rebuilt after the attack, if I'm remembering the roads over there right, but it's all the way on the other side of town from here.

[ He could've put these in better order since this isn't the first time they'll have crossed the city in between deliveries. Too late for that now, though, and more time to think about the next destination it is. ]

Edited 2024-01-20 20:37 (UTC)

[ Sylvain’s alternated between being uncommonly quiet or chattering about the most inane things to fill the uncomfortable silence all day long now. Not something he does, normally - he’s usually fine with letting silence fall between them. But today, it had just been another excuse for his brain to spiral, so he tried to avoid that as much as possible.

At Claude’s sigh and comment, he glances over the man’s shoulder to the address on the envelope and nods, recognizing that area of town. He’d done some of the rebuilding work over there himself. ]

Yeah, it’s a bit of a hike, but at least it’s a nice enough day for a walk.

[ Brisk and chilly, of course, because it is winter, even here, but it’s a mild sort.

He glances over to search Claude’s face, taking in the tight expression and the shadows in his gaze. Reaching out, he rests his hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezes gently, letting his voice drop quieter. ]

Are you holding up okay?

[ Claude has done most of the talking when delivering the envelopes. The bad news. Sylvain… he’d always been bad at things like this. He could never find the right words when he needed them. ]

[ It is nice out, and even Claude can't pretend like there's some issue related to that or that it's anything besides the envelope in his hand feeling like it weighs as much as stone. Rather than to keep looking at it, he tucks it away in his satchel with a non-committal tone hummed in response to what Sylvain says.

He should've known that wouldn't be good enough to cover anything up considering flimsy would be a far too strong word to describe it and it's underscored more by the familiar hand landing on his shoulder. The deflection's ready to go on the tip of his tongue as Claude glances back to Sylvain again, ready as ever to direct the conversation to something he'd rather talk about. But - he pauses again since that'd be going back to old ways he's been trying (slowly) to let go of, and what was supposed to be a glance turns more into studying Sylvain's face as he considers a different answer. ]

No, not really. [ Is what he settles on with a decidedly humorless laugh right after which is also more automatic than anything, and he absently runs a hand down the side of his face while looking back out to the streets ahead. ] I don't know if us being the ones to deliver these is making any better or just making it worse.

[ Something he's thought about since the island where many had perished before they'd even arrived and far more did during their imprisonment. There'd been too few who they'd been able to convince to escape through the webbing or the tunnel through the water. But even that's linked to what feels like ten other thoughts leaving what's said incomplete, and Claude has to puzzle it out a bit further before continuing. ]

It'll have been a year soon, you know.

[ Or on second thought, it's temporarily one vulnerability too far as he bats the conversation back to Sylvain first. ]

I know.

[ Sylvain’s reply is quiet, because he’s well aware. Had been well as the weeks started leading up to this. A year, and they were still dealing with the aftermath, the loss. The cost of it all.

He knows what Claude means, because it had occurred to him, too, as they carried these missives to still-grieving families here. The homes of people who had not been so fortunate as them, to make it out of that nightmare. To return to their loved ones and families and homes.

Sylvain knew exactly how lucky he and so many of the other Summoned were. As far as he knew, every single one of them had made it out, one way or another. The commoners and natives of this world, however? Few of them had been so lucky. Were he in their shoes, he’d resent them, too.

But for now, all he can do is wrap his arm around Claude’s shoulder and tug him down the street, away from this house and on to the next. The last, if they were lucky. ]

And for what it’s worth, I don’t think they’d be happy to see anyone delivering these letters. These families likely already knew the truth, when their missing person never came home. This… it’s a grim sort of closure, but it is still closure. [ Still, he sighs, as he glances around at the buildings, most of them here rebuilt, or still showing signs and wounds of that deadly attack. ] It’s just especially hard doing this in Libertas. They’ve already suffered so much, besides this.

[ Claude narrowly resists the urge to have one corner of his mouth turn down, since - of course they both know, as if there was any way they wouldn't still be marking time by all of this. Maybe in another year it'll feel more distant though that feels like an ill-fated hope he dismisses in the same instant it appears.

What he focuses on instead is Sylvain's arm around his shoulders and wills himself to not connect it back to leaning on each other in the pit when they're here and far from whatever was razed once they'd left it behind for good. It's selfish, perhaps, but Claude's never been one to focus on anything other than surviving. This is just another version of it. ]

I thought going back... I thought it might offer closure, since we're on the topic of it. That if I could see it again then maybe it wouldn't seem to loom so largely whenever I think about it, but I'm not so sure it helped with any of that at all.

[ He'd be tempted to sigh again if he hadn't just moments ago, so in replacement of that Claude leans a little more into Sylvain's side as they walk in a tacit acknowledgment of - everything about going and now coming back, though it's with those thoughts now shuffling around in his mind he peers up at the other man. ]

Why'd you choose to go back?

Because you were.

[ If Claude were hoping for a particularly deep or thought-provoking answer from Sylvain, he might be disappointed. Or he might find that answer to provoke a whole different line of deep thoughts to ponder. It's honest enough, though.

Sylvain would have been perfectly happy never stepping foot on that island ever again. Had intended to keep just that resolution. At least, until Claude declared he was returning.

There was no way he was letting the other man face all that alone, whatever his own thoughts and feelings on the place. ]

[ That's not the answer he expected. If asked, Claude couldn't exactly say what he expected since there's a variety of reasons someone might've chosen to go back. He's named a couple of his, sure, but if he sat and thought about it he could probably also come up with more even if they'd touch on things he'd normally leave unsaid.

What Sylvain says is decisive and like that's all there is to it. But if their time together has taught Claude anything - and especially so in the last couple months in particular - it's that so often something else can be found beneath with a little digging. And it couldn't be that simple, or so he thinks as he moves from merely glancing up at Sylvain to full on studying him as they walk, when he knows some more about what being in the pit cost the other man now than he had at the time when it was already apparent enough.

And so it's with that in mind, a request for clarification rather than anything else, that at the end of that unintended pause what Claude says first is, ] What?

[ Sylvain just looks amused at that confused answer, shooting Claude a sideways glance as he keeps walking. ]

Did I stutter?

[ He did not, in fact. But it's also not very often he renders Claude speechless. He's going to enjoy it while it lasts. ]

[ He really shouldn't react to that. Claude knows it, and still he can't help a mildly exasperated sigh in response to Sylvain's supposed question. That's not the point; giving into that anywhere beyond what he already has would derail the point he's trying to make.

Which feels a little more solid now thanks to that there wasn't anything taking that statement back and rather more a doubling down on it, so he stops walking to study Sylvain again for a couple of seconds with a barely there furrow between his brows as he computes that into the ever growing calculation that's figuring out the other man beneath what's on the surface.

And he probably shouldn't need to question it still, and yet - bluntly - ]

Even though going also made you miserable?

[ He's forced to come to a stop because Claude has, even though he probably should have expected that. Turning back towards him, he arches an eyebrow before giving a quiet chuckle and spreading his arms to either side in a shrug. ]

So?

[ As if that didn't have any bearing on the matter at all.

Which, to be fair, it hadn't. ]

[ He should've saved the sigh for now because when Sylvain looks at him with that good-natured puzzlement like he couldn't possibly grasp what's wrong with that, Claude deeply considers just exhaling a giant breath anyway. He doesn't - for now - but the crease in his brow does grow a little bit deeper. ]

Sylvain.

[ That comes out patiently enough, mostly because whatever exasperation which might've built for all of a couple seconds is tempered by the realization of what Sylvain means by that. With it comes Claude reaching up to put a hand fondly on the other man's face to cradle it even if he's got something serious to go along with that. ]

No more of that, okay? I don't want you making yourself miserable or feeling like you have to for whatever reason. [ A beat. ] Nothing about summer counts in that, for the record, but I mean the rest.

Claude.

[ Said with the same patiently exasperated tone as he lets his face be cupped. There’s a glint of subdued humor in his amber gaze as he meets bright green. ]

You can’t actually stop me.

[ Which… is true enough, but probably not what he wanted to hear in response to that. ]

Look. You’re important to me. And here… we’re all each other has here - you, me. Hilda, too. If you think for a moment I’m going to sit back comfortably and watch while either of you ventures into something risky or dangerous… you’re definitely not as smart as your reputation makes you out to be.

Besides. Are you honestly going to stand there and say that you wouldn’t do the same if our positions were reversed?

[ Maybe that’s his Faerghan naïveté, but Claude’s actions up until now had spoken otherwise, too. ]

I think you vastly underestimate my affinity for self-preservation.

[ It's said carelessly, as if it's really that simple and not tied up into any further number of things - and as if it's not the truth in many ways. Ones Sylvain hasn't exactly seen beyond flashes and hints of it here and there like in a sharp rock edge against his throat and the later admission that perhaps his childhood had been a bit dangerous. He doesn't mean it callously to that sentiment he's being offered sincerely; it's simply that Claude also feels there's more behind it than that alone.

If the crease before had been a sign Claude was contemplating something, it becomes an outright furrow with more of what Sylvain's said and he drops his hand to rest on the other man's shoulder instead while studying him. It's not as though he disagrees with what's said when there's plenty of truth there which can't be refuted, but it's what's beneath it which Sylvain isn't saying as if it'll go unnoticed. As if it's not something he would piece together over all this time spent in each other's company through terrible things and far better ones. ]

You're important to me, too, which is exactly why I don't want you to feel like you have to take on something that hurts you for someone else's sake. [ There's an obvious example there in conversations that've been had when it comes to Sylvain shouldering something painful, an injustice - but Claude doesn't feel he has to voice it aloud for the other smaller pieces of it threaded through everything else to be equally apparent. ] I don't want that for you even if I can't top you from doing it. And I won't ever think less of you for it, either.

I don’t underestimate that at all.

[ Claude has different responsibilities resting on his shoulders than Sylvain does. Always has. As far as Sylvain knows, he was raised with the weight of ruling on his young shoulders. The Duke of the Alliance was a big position, after all, even if he came to it late. But Sylvain had watched how it had shaped Dimitri all his life. He knew what that did to a person.

And while Sylvain had his own weight to carry, it had been different. With different expectations. And always, that loyalty to serve and protect his liege had been instilled in him, far more vital than his own life.

At home, that had been Dimitri, because he was the Prince. Because they were friends. Here…

Here, that loyalty had transferred to Claude. But it wasn’t because he was the Duke. It was for far deeper reasons that Sylvain wasn’t very comfortable shining a light on. But it didn’t change the truth of it. Even if he was evasive - reluctant - about putting it into words. ]

I just think… sometimes there are things more important than yourself worth protecting.

[ It's an aching sort of affection which surges through him at what Sylvain says. The sort of kind which comes still with a tinge of disbelief to it from his self from mere years ago who couldn't and wouldn't have believed it was possible. Not in that loneliness he'd resigned himself to by focusing on other things until he'd convinced himself it no longer mattered until others had broken that damn wide open; it's the sort of thing Claude believes he's caught glimpses of in Sylvain though they were there and gone as quick as light flashes reflecting off a mirror.

All the more reason for him to now bring both hands to the other man's face with some of that dismay softening and their surroundings around them on this street forgotten as he chooses his next words very deliberately. ]

That statement doesn't go only one way, Sylvain.

[ Unknowingly, or maybe because of it, Claude skims the same fine line as Sylvain yet again when it comes to stating another truth without voicing the whole of it: why don't you believe that about yourself?

But this will do in how it more or less says the same - that Sylvain is valuable to him, and not as a possession or in any sense they might joke about when it came to chess euphemisms or anything else playful but something far more than that. That he wouldn't ask Sylvain to do this or expect it because there might come a time when the price for that protection the other man was so willing to step into might be too high for them both, and the reality of it laid bare there in one sentence is enough to bring apprehension of a loss too great to shoulder creeping forth. ]

[ Sylvain just ducks his head because he knows it’s not supposed to go both ways. But it’s nice to have a quiet confirmation - if not in so many words - that he’d been right about Claude doing the same if their positions were reversed. Even though Claude’s the more important one here, the one who can do the most good for everyone. Sylvain wouldn’t doubt the other man would do it for Hilda, because she was important to him, too, but Sylvain’s still…

He shies away from that, bringing his hands up to cup over Claude’s. ]

I’m not saying it does. I just meant, I didn’t think you’d hesitate to do the same if it were for me. So don’t get upset with me for doing the same for you. Because I’m not going to stop, Claude. That place was a danger for both of us. If you needed to go back - for curiosity or closure or whatever it was - then I wasn’t going to let you go alone. At least this way, you had someone watching your back.

[ There's a lot hiding in those few sentences, he's sure of it. They all be confirm what he'd suspected whether Sylvain realizes the full gravity of that or not, though this time Claude prevents the frown from returning. It won't help. That much he's figured out, that it'll only serve to have Sylvain point back to this.

But that's just his tendency to want to grab onto a point and not let go of it until it feels finished, Claude knows, and what the other man's said isn't untrue: even with all of his ways to avoid something that'll cut bone deep, he wouldn't leave Sylvain to shoulder it himself. He wouldn't leave Hilda to do that either. Not the Deer, either, even if at one point that feels a lifetime ago it might've been different. It isn't now, though.

The temptation is there to roll his eyes skyward, mutter something about Faerghans, and let it end there. Maybe that's what Sylvain's expecting to have happen when it's something he's employed enough and that realization is enough to chafe. All his own doing if so, and he thinks about that for a moment while moving a thumb across the other man's cheek. ]

Then maybe you can let me do the same for you since that's only fair, because there should be someone watching your back too, right? Not just about the island either since I mean for more than that. And, [ with a humorless smile, ] I could be better about that, too. Maybe we could work on that together.

[ His gaze flits back to Claude’s face at that response, at the slide of that thumb against his cheek. He leans into the touch without even thinking about it, even as his lips quirk into a rueful semblance of a smile.

He doesn’t have to point out to Claude that things are rarely fair - he’s pretty sure the other man knows it better than he does. ]

If that’s what makes you happy.

[ It’s not a no. Even if Claude is the more important of them in things here. Or anywhere, for that matter. But Sylvain doesn’t fight him on it. Though he does try to divert it, uncomfortable under the weight of Claude’s knowing gaze.

He’s right - Sylvain is far too Faerghan to ever let those instincts go easily. ]

Besides. Out of the two of us, you’re the one far more likely to get new holes in you, remember. I’m not the high maintenance once here.

[ But before he can completely brush it off with a laugh or a teasing comment, he catches Claude’s hand against his cheek, holding it there a moment before leaning in to steal a brief kiss. Meeting Claude’s gaze as he pulls back again, he adds, ]

I do appreciate it, though. Knowing I have you to watch my back in turn.

[ That certainly doesn't sound like acceptance of something offered equally so much as it does resignation to - something Claude can't begin to guess or rather that what he does doesn't fit with... whatever this is. Something he thought was being established further between them both what with not being able to prevent Sylvain's noble heart from doing what's right no matter how much the other man might insist he possesses no such heart.

It's tempting to sigh but that doesn't feel like the right reaction either, and not just because he knows some part of Sylvain will latch onto it like it's the only thing he deserves. It'd be too convenient to give him that out, yet another reaction which will be twisted into the truth that he's not worth this. And that causes something to twist somewhere in Claude's chest with a sharpness, and one he wills away when a familiar hand comes to rest and equally familiar lips are on his own for a kiss he returns. He could shut his eyes even as short as it is, but Claude doesn't look away so that he's ready when Sylvain looks at him again. ]

You deserve that much and then some.

[ The time to press it further has passed - for now, since this is filed away for later when it absolutely will come up again. Just maybe not when they're standing in the middle of the street since a shout from two friends greeting each other on the other side of it pulls him back to reality, and now Sylvain gets the playful eye roll he was probably expecting to surface at some point as Claude drops his hand away from the other man's face to take Sylvain's hand in his and to tug him forward to fall into step again. ]

And you can point out my supposed propensity for getting new holes all you want, but I think it probably loses some of the effectiveness when you're agreeing you'll get just as many, doesn't it? Maybe we can put a limit on it to earrings alone or things only that size, at which point I will point out a scorpion's sting counts as the same.

Earrings don’t poison you however, so scorpions are disqualified.

[ Said with the utmost exasperation as he twines their fingers together and falls into step beside Claude again. They still had work to do here, after all, as much as both of them dreaded the grimness of this news to deliver. ]

Besides. What if I wanna pierce more than just my ears, hmm? What then? [ He tosses that possibility out there with a sassy little smirk and a playful wink shot in Claude's direction. ]

Does that not fall under things only that size? C'mon, Gautier, keep up.

[ That's said just as cheerfully as any other time he's told Sylvain the same thing in whatever convoluted loops he's spinning. This doesn't exactly count, but it's more familiar teasing to run with as he squeezes the fingers in his while they walk. ]

Unless you're wanting to wait for the horse sized scorpion to work on that next piercing? In which case we could always go back out to the desert and finally look for it, especially since someone thoughtful I know gifted me some rather fetching armor so I'll be extra prepared for all kinds of adventures.

[ He's not even a little sorry for hypothetically stressing out Sylvain with the very possibility. ]

[ Sylvain just groans with a dramatic roll of his eyes, as if dealing with Claude and his arguments are the most tiresome thing. Even when he knows it’s usually his that tend to circle around a topic far more and with far less logic to them. Then again, that was the point. ]

Seriously, I’m buying restraints for your next birthday and leaving you tied to my bed and safely out of trouble.

[ Hey, that wasn’t a bad idea, actually. Claude might want to start getting worried about the intrigued gleam that shows up in Sylvain’s gaze a moment later. ]

You're saying that like it's supposed to be a threat but it sounds a lot more like a promise.

[ There's something between an amusement and a smirk taking place on his face right now; he knows Sylvain meant it exactly as both. All the better to spur that on as much as he can, really. Even more so when he turns to look at the other man and sees that little glimmer of A Thought occurring to him. ]

But in that case, you'd better let me pick them out if they're going to be my present. I think that's only fair.

Nope, I don’t trust you not to cheat.

[ Then again, Sylvan accuses Claude of cheating at least five times a week - which, to be fair, he probably does. ]

And who picks out their own birthday present? No one, that’s who.

[ He tsk’s his tongue as he shakes his head and drapes an arm around Claude’s shoulders comfortably as he starts tugging him down the street once more. Although he falls quiet in thought at that.

Birthdays have been on his mind anyway, with it being winter. It’s not easy to match up the calendar to the one he knows back home, but Dimitri, Felix, and Ingrid’s birthdays all fall during the coldest months of the year. He spares a quiet moment, something melancholy in his gaze before he pushes it away again. ]

It’s hard to believe we’re into a new year already. That you and I will be having another birthday here in a few months, even though that’s still quite a while away.

What exactly would I be cheating with there? [ Maybe he should feel something besides amusement that this is where Sylvain goes first, but instead that's all he's got while puzzling that out. He can't argue with the gift recipient not picking their own gift - or could, but decides it's not worth it - so this is what he focuses on instead. ] Picking some set of handcuffs with a key secretly hidden in the bands? A fabric that won't stay tied? Maybe I should be paying closer attention in Nocwich's shops.

[ Much to ponder. As he does he leans into Sylvain's side while they walk, though his mind returns again to the letter waiting to be delivered. There's only so long he can avoid thinking about the bleak news they'll bring to yet someone else, and the moment for it is growing closer with every step they're taking.

It could be better to get it over with, he thinks. Claude's about to say as much when Sylvain speaks up again with another thought that's grown louder in the back of his mind each time he's looked at the calendar, and he tilts his head back to peer up at the other man. ]

You sound excited to continue being the oldest one of the three of us. But I know what you mean since it won't be that much longer before I'll have been here two years, then the same for you, and then Hilda basically right after that. It's certainly been a time.

[ He has a feeling there's something else behind what Sylvain's saying, but it'll take a few more clues before figuring out what it is. ]

— sylvain / blanket cw for tier 1 quest topics, the pit, etc

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