abraxaslogs | Closed Log

Who: Nadine, Julie, Lloyd
When: Beginning of February
What: Working through family stuff
Where: Nott

[Things have been tense and awkward since the Dimming, Nadine trying to give Julie her space and avoiding Lloyd more often than not - at least during the day, it's hard to avoid someone when you're currently sharing sleeping arrangements with them. It's been a difficult month, to say the least. And much, much too long.

And Nadine owes apologies to both of her companions - though one is far more pressing than the other. But she doesn't lock the door of the room she's been sharing with Lloyd, as she's been prone to do when she gets home from work - just to give herself a couple of hours to deal with her feelings as best as she can. He's been as helpful as he can be, and she's grateful for that, if she's been awful at expressing it lately. He deserves better. So she leaves the door unlocked and reads through a book on local medicinal herbs, hoping to get a chance to talk to him.

At some point, late in the evening, she makes her way to Julie's door. She has no intentions of trying to justify herself or excuse herself, but Julie deserves an apology. Even if the other woman doesn't forgive her, Nadine didn't do right by her and that needs an apology. She knocks as she announces herself, preparing to be turned away but hoping otherwise.]

Julie? Can we talk? Or at least...can I talk to you? I just want to apologize.

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Yeah, he doesn't do well with personal slights. I've seen...enough. Uh...how safe you are with him comes down to how important or replaceable you are. That's why maybe, if I call things off now, it wouldn't be a disaster. It only happened a few times, it was casual...he'd be mad, yeah, but I've done things he doesn't like before. I was supposed to kill Larry, he knows I didn't, he didn't do anything over it. I wasn't supposed to kill Harold, but I did, and he didn't care. I really don't understand who decided or how he knows, he'd never give me a straight answer, but Flagg didn't choose me. Some greater force chose me for him.

[Nadine is certain that's what offers her the small level of protection she's granted. Flagg apparently can't just go out and find another wife, for whatever reasons, it has to be here. Why else would he go through all the effort he had? Why reach out to her when she was a child, decades before anyone else even knew he existed? Why take such great care with her?

But she knows even that only goes so far. Sleeping with someone? Not ideal, but potentially not the end of the world. She's gotten the impression that emotional fidelity is far more important.]

And again, he's never really been great with straight and complete answers. All he said was that it was possible, and he'd be happy to, but there's a price. Which I know, that...that was sort of the point. I figured...it'd be easier. Easier to love him, to be with him, to be what he needed me to be. I'm already damned beyond redemption, I know that, so what did it matter? Anyway, he....touched me and said that was it and he'd start teaching me soon. But then he vanished, and I didn't think that much about it....until I accidentally turned into a wolf the other month. It's probably not a big deal, but...it's something you should know about.

[ Julie lets out a bitter, dry laugh at that, a dark "Ha" that does nothing to conceal her pain. She's always been the least vital part of the organization, she knows that. Even the fucking psycho in his underwear was more important than she was. Despite all her efforts, her conniving, her trying, she was nothing but a reward for Lloyd, something that could be taken away and broken if he stepped out of line.

She tried so hard to be something more. Anything. But in the end, it was meaningless, a waste. He'd never seen her, never wanted her like he wanted the others. She doesn't know why, doesn't know what Lloyd or any of the others had that was so much more special than what she had. Even fucking Harold was more useful to him, had a purpose.

And now, if he comes back, he'll know everything and obliterate her without a thought. There's no reason to spare her.

Tears prick in the corners of her eyes and she presses the heels of her palms to them, pushes until she sees spots behind her eyelids. She inhales sharply through her nose and wills herself to not shake from the multitude of emotions she's feeling. ] Cool. Awesome. Just gotta be important to survive, irreplaceable. So... yeah.

[ So not me, it goes unsaid. Not important in Kansas, not important in Vegas, not important in Abraxas. All she can do is look good and make pencils. Her only hope is if he doesn't ever manage to get back.

Nadine says that she can accidentally turn into a wolf, like it's the same as accidentally leaving the fridge open, and Julie looks up at her with deep confusion. What the fuck? Could Flagg even do that? It's not out of the question, but why is that what he gave his wife? ]

Uh... I'm sorry, what?

But that's an advantage here. He doesn't have an adoring throng, he has us and that's it. He didn't exactly win anyone over while he was here, all I ever get when he comes up is how unsettling he was. And I don't know if it's psychological or something more, but he needs people. And we'll have some warning. The second he ever set foot in this world again, I'd know.

[Nadine understands Julie's reaction, doesn't blame her for it at all. But should Flagg return, he only has them. It's a thin shield, yes, but it's something. And his plans were important to him, he needs them. It isn't like home.

It's only a small comfort, though. She wishes there was more she could offer Julie, but they both know the reality of their situation. There aren't many things that can be said to offer comfort.]

I...I do sort of understand what you're going through. That moment when you can't justify certain things anymore, when all the pieces suddenly fit together and you realize exactly what you gave yourself over to. There's nothing I can say to make that any better. But I can say this: right now, you have a real chance, Julie. You weren't touched by him the way Lloyd and I were, I don't think he ever worked any magic on you. You don't have that darkness in you. I do, and I think Lloyd does, too. It's like a...poison, it radiates off of him and seeps in. I know what he is, what he can and would do, and for fuck's sake I still love him. I don't know if I can't at this point.

[It's her turn now to take a breath and try not shake or let out any tears. She hates herself that even still she loves Randall Flagg, misses him still in the long dark of the night. She shouldn't. She knows that she shouldn't, that there's something wrong with her, but it is what it is. And she'd bet everything she owns that he had something to do with that.]

But now, in this world, you have the chance to truly be free and live for yourself. And I don't know, I turned into a wolf. It wasn't for long, I haven't done it again, I haven't tried to do anything else. I'm not going to try to do anything else.

[ It's all she can do to duck her head, hide her face against her knees, arms wrapped tight around her shin. She wants to sob, to scream that Nadine doesn't understand, doesn't understand even a little fucking bit. Nadine got to spend nearly her whole goddamn life knowing that at least she was special, even when those around her didn't see it. That she meant something.

Flagg was the first person to ever tell Julie she was special, and it was a dirty fucking lie. It would have all been worth it, worth the darkness on her soul, if only it was true, but instead, she did it all and died for absolutely nothing.

For the first time since she woke up from the dead, she truly wishes she hadn't.

Much of what Nadine actually says doesn't really register -- Julie's whole frame quivers a little where she sits, draws unsteady breaths in an effort to will herself into stoicism. What does another chance matter? She's still nothing but the dumb fucking hayseed who thought she could be someone important when she's just... nothing at all.

Her voice is muffled into her kneecaps, her chemise. She can feel the tendrils of her magic trying to lash out, strike at nothing, and there's a noticeable strain in her tone while she tries to counter it. ]

I guess at least you can hang out with Geralt's wolf.

[Nadine doesn't know what's going through Julie's head, but she thinks she has a good idea. She approaches the bed, not making any move to touch the younger woman but offering a closer presence.]

If you want to be alone, I can leave you alone. If you want silent company, I can do that too. But I just want to say one thing...you have a lot of people who care about you, Julie. Really care about you. Not because of what you might be able to do for them, but just because you're you.

[That feels like something that might be important to Julie. She's painted a general picture of her childhood and prior life, and it didn't exactly seem filled with people who cared about her.

Nadine understands that, at least.]

[ Julie's shoulders shudder and she doesn't answer Nadine. It really doesn't matter whether she's here or not, not unless she cares a lot about the potential to get rained on or possibly set just a little bit on fire. Like, just a singe to the hem of her skirt, nothing big.

She wants to howl, to wail and bawl, but that's not something she can do here, can't allow her body to actually let go like that. She can dissolve in the Horizon, but she's far too distraught to get there right now, so instead, she just silently weeps into against her legs.

If asked, she wouldn't even be able to pinpoint which part of it all hurts this much. It's all just one big swirl of agony at the moment. ]

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