Closed Log

[nadine_he_loves]

Who: Nadine, Julie, Lloyd
When: Beginning of February
What: Working through family stuff
Where: Nott



[Things have been tense and awkward since the Dimming, Nadine trying to give Julie her space and avoiding Lloyd more often than not - at least during the day, it's hard to avoid someone when you're currently sharing sleeping arrangements with them. It's been a difficult month, to say the least. And much, much too long.

And Nadine owes apologies to both of her companions - though one is far more pressing than the other. But she doesn't lock the door of the room she's been sharing with Lloyd, as she's been prone to do when she gets home from work - just to give herself a couple of hours to deal with her feelings as best as she can. He's been as helpful as he can be, and she's grateful for that, if she's been awful at expressing it lately. He deserves better. So she leaves the door unlocked and reads through a book on local medicinal herbs, hoping to get a chance to talk to him.

At some point, late in the evening, she makes her way to Julie's door. She has no intentions of trying to justify herself or excuse herself, but Julie deserves an apology. Even if the other woman doesn't forgive her, Nadine didn't do right by her and that needs an apology. She knocks as she announces herself, preparing to be turned away but hoping otherwise.]

Julie? Can we talk? Or at least...can I talk to you? I just want to apologize.

Comments

[princessvegas]

[ With the exception of specific times she has to work, and the hours required to care for her horse, Julie has spent every single moment of the past month in the Horizon. She simply doesn't have the desire to be in this shitty place, when she can instead go be miserable like a civilized person, with weed and junk food and television reruns. Sure, it's all fake, but what's the difference now anyway? It feels real.

Really, it's sheer luck that Nadine catches her while she's in her room. She does make it a point to stay out long enough to bathe at least every other day, and that's what she's getting ready to do when Nadine knocks. She stops in her tracks, in just her chemise and with bare feet, and stares at the door.

She doesn't know what to do. Every instinct she has screams Ignore it, and she wants to almost out of sheer stubbornness. But that one, tiny voice niggles at her, whispers Listen, and despite her hesitation, she reaches out to the doorknob.

The door slowly cracks open, no more than a few inches, and one side of Julie's face glares out. It's not the hate or disgust she's shown for other people before, showed to Nadine way back at the very beginning -- instead, her face is contorted with fury, pain. Betrayal. ]

What?

[nadine_he_loves]

[That the door opens at all, even a little, is a big step. The look in Julie's eyes is like a quick little jab to her gut, but it's not exactly undeserved.

Nadine is in her night shift, hair pulled up in a haphazard bun for bed. She looks tired and sad, but there's no anger or argument in her eyes or posture. She's not here for a fight or to try and assert her position.]

I just...want to say I'm sorry. I didn't give your feelings or you the consideration I should have. I didn't listen to you as well as I should have, and it doesn't matter that I didn't mean to hurt you, I did. And I really regret that.

[There haven't been many honest apologies in her adult life - why should she care about offering honest apology to people she mostly doesn't care about? - but this one comes from the heart. She'd made a mistake and she's not too proud to admit it, not when one of the very first friendships she's ever made is on the line. Even if Julie doesn't forgive her...that's not what this is about. Either way, an honest apology is the least of what Julie deserves.]

[princessvegas]

[ Julie can't help it -- she still looks suspicious, her eyes narrowed. It's not really an indictment of Nadine, so much as the fact that Julie herself is no stranger to apologizing just because it may get her what she wants. She's been both the manipulator and the one being manipulated, and her fear is that she doesn't even know which one she is right now.

She doesn't want to be either side. She just wants to stop feeling like this, like she doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Despite her expression, the door opens just slightly more, enough for her entire face to be seen, and when she speaks, it's not a tone of cold anger. It's much, much quieter, pained. ]

He said I'd never have to be alone again. You left me alone, all of you. You're supposed to be the queen. [ She takes a sharp breath, like she's trying to control her voice, but in true Julie fashion, she keeps going. ] And y'know, I know that I don't get to tell you what to do. You're grown, you're older than me and you're the queen. I know my place. But you took Lloyd too, and I don't ask y'all for anythin', and the one time I needed y'all to stay, you didn't.

[ Her eyes shine, and she has to look away, look up. ] He left and then y'all left, and I guess I just forgot that everyone who I really meant anythin' to are all dead now. Just... it's easy to stop rememberin' that we don't know each other, not really. It just feels like it's been a long time.

[nadine_he_loves]

I know. I was trying to look out for you how I thought you needed it, when I should have been paying attention to what you actually needed.

[She'd heard Julie, but she hadn't listened. Not well enough, not to what Julie was implying and saying between the lines. She'd gotten so caught up in what she thought was important, what she thought would serve them best, and she hadn't taken Julie's fears seriously enough.]

I, um, I'm not used to looking out for other adults. I was treating you the way I'd treat one of my kids, and I can't do that. I won't do that anymore - or I'll try, you'll probably have to metaphorically smack me a few times. I'm just so used to being on my own and only having to worry about myself in the long run. But you're right.

[Nadine shakes her head a little, body language open rather than defensive. It hurts, yes, but Julie is right.]

I'm supposed to be queen, I'm supposed to look out for you and protect you and do right by you. I messed up badly this time. All I can do is promise to try and do better, if you'll let me. I know we didn't get off on the best foot, but...you're important to me, Julie. Not many people are, but I hate that I caused this and I've missed you. And I swear, I did not mean for anyone to come with me. I planned to go by myself, and...I should have stepped up and said 'no'.

[She can say 'no'. And she can certainly tell Lloyd what to do, even if she's loathe to do so. It just doesn't seem right to her, telling another grown adult what to do. But that is her right, technically.

Everything's so clear in hindsight.]

[princessvegas]

[ Julie doesn't want to be emotional. She wants to be cool, detached, the one who keeps it together. But it all hurts, and it hurts more because none of this had to happen, not a single bit, not if Flagg had just stayed with them like he was supposed to.

(She knows, knows it wasn't up to him, and it doesn't matter. He's supposed to be above the whims of a stupid rock, could have fought it or something. Anything. He's supposed to be here with them.)

Turning away, she swipes at her face, makes a snuffling noise and then there's a muttered, "Oh fuck," and she walks away from the door, leaves it open. There's a small storm cloud forming over the bed and she has to catch it before it soaks everything. Her voice calls from inside, where she's standing on the bed to try and break the cloud up with her hands. ]

Sorry, I just... everythin's gonna get all wet.

[nadine_he_loves]

It's okay.

[Nadine steps inside, chewing at her lower lip as she watches Julie attempt to dissipate the very localized little storm system. That alone says a lot about what Julie's thinking. Or at least feeling.]

Can I...help? If you open the window, I might be able to blow it outside.

[She rarely uses that little wind spell she first learned when she was one of the Summoned being shown off to visiting dignitaries. It doesn't do much more than push loose doors closed and blow out candles, but it should be enough to push a little cloud a handful of feet.

Then it's anyone in the alley below's problem.]

[princessvegas]

[ For the moment, Julie does, at least, seem to have enough of a hold on the cloud to keep it from pouring rain. It's still growing, threatening to drench her as she breaks through it with her hands, but it mostly wants to reform as soon as she moves.

Nadine enters, and as Julie looks over at her, the cloud flickers from within, lightning that stays inside the cloud, doesn't yet strike down. Julie (who is now, understandably, terrified of lightning) backs away from the darkening cloud, steps down from the bed to pull open the shutters. It's still freezing outside, and the cold wind sends goosebumps up her bare arms. She trembles, and even she's not sure if it's from the chill or the continued flashing. ]

[nadine_he_loves]

[Nadine just nods, taking the open window as agreement. She does note Julie's expression, but doesn't comment on it. She just raises her hands and mutters a few words not in English and a wind begins to rise inside the room. It's been a while since she used this one, but apparently she hasn't forgotten any of it.

Eyes narrowed in concentration, Nadine turns it to the little storm cloud, using her hands to direct it. It wafts towards the window, building speed as it goes, until the cloud is banished outside the building. She releases the spell with a little sigh and a slump of her shoulders. Directing it like that is a little more energy consuming than just bringing the wind up.]

There. Now it can do whatever it wants.

[princessvegas]

[ She slams the shutters closed as soon as the cloud is out, quickly enough that the rumble of thunder is muffled from behind the wood. Latching them closed, Julie crosses one arm over her chest, rubbing the opposite arm anxiously. ]

Thanks. I -- [ She pauses briefly, reaches behind the open bathroom door, and lifts up two glass lanterns, which she sets on the bureau. They contain not candles, but smaller versions of the storm clouds, safely locked behind glass. Both of them occasionally send down their own little bolts of lighting, illuminating the lanterns. ] I've been makin' these to practice with, but... y'know, they're smaller. And in there.

[jealousbitch]

[ To say things have been rough since they got back to Nott is a bit of an understatement. Hell, Lloyd stayed pretty anxious about the trip since Julie's clear message. He'd done what he thought was the right thing, but once again, managed to fuck it up. Despite making different connections and being able to steal some cool shit, it didn't change the fact that he didn't get what he wanted out of their jaunt over to Thorne.

It doesn't seem worth it, now. Julie's not talking to him and Nadine's being distant. Really, Lloyd is at a loss and just going through the motions. He's still sharing a room with Nadine, but things are different. Awkward at the very least. So he keeps his distance- stays out with a few acquaintances he's made since they got here, doesn't try to bring it up, just.. does his own thing.

It really fucking sucks.

He comes into the room late at night, a little tipsy and high off the feeling of winning a wager. Lloyd flops himself down onto the edge of the bed and bends over to untie his boots, tossing an uncoordinated and lazy wave at Nadine should she choose to see it. ]

Hey, lady.

[nadine_he_loves]

Lloyd.

[Nadine sets aside her book and gets up from the single chair - kept by the window, not that there's much of a view. And none at all now it's night. She joins him on the bed, kneeling on the other edge to face him.]

Hey. You look like you had a fun night.

[At least with Lloyd, they're talking to each other. He hasn't done anything to upset or offend her, she's just had too much weighing on her to be any sort of company. She just hasn't had the emotional strength and energy for him. Which isn't fair to him, poor Lloyd's mostly innocent in all of this.]

[jealousbitch]

[ He tugs a coin purse out of his boot and tosses it gently over in her direction. ]

Mmhm. Always good when I can walk away with money.

[ It's not much, but every little bit counts, right? Since they're planning on going to the Free Cities eventually. He glances over at her. ]

Need somethin'?

[nadine_he_loves]

You're putting my honest work to shame.

[Nadine chuckles a little, her hand reaching out to take the coin. It will go with the others, set aside for their eventual journey to...well, maybe not a better place, but further away from Thorne at least.

She sighs and shifts, settling against the pillows piled in front of the headboard, knees drawn up and bare feet peeking out from the hem of her nightshift.]

Uh...sort of. I just wanted to apologize, for...how I've been, lately. It's not you, I just haven't really been any good to anybody lately.

[For the most part. The time she's spent with Jaskier...hasn't been awful. Despite what both of them were going through. Funny, that.]

There's just been a lot, I've been in my own head too much and it's not a very fun place right now.

[jealousbitch]

Heh. Nothin' like a dishonest day's work doin' shit because I can.

[ Lloyd shucks his jacket and tosses it onto the floor, reclining on the bed with his legs dangling over the side. He looks up at her from his position.

Oh. He's not really sure what to say. Yeah, things have been shit recently for everybody, but an apology's probably last on the list of things he's expecting. ]

Darlin', I dunno how to tell you this? This whole place fuckin' sucks. [ He gestures vaguely to everything around them. Nott, essentially. Mostly because it's easier to poke fun than to look at his own feelings. Those are messy. ]

[nadine_he_loves]

Yeah...yeah it does.

[Nadine sighs. Sure, things could be worse. This world, this city could be worse. They're relatively safe, they're well out of the way of whatever designs various world leaders have on them and the Singularity. But it still sucks.

She reaches out to ruffle his hair lightly, offering a tired little smile. She has missed their closeness, and wonders why she kept him at such a distance. Ever since her first night in this world, Lloyd's been a comfort. But she's supposed to be stronger than this, and maybe a part of her just didn't want to let Lloyd see how rattled she's been, how undone.

But she needs to stop treating other adults like they're children.]

And it's probably going to keep sucking for a while. But as long as we're still around, we've got a chance to make it a little bit better. Things are going to work out, Lloyd. I know it's been tough, and I know you've probably been feeling a little bit...lost, this last month. But is is going to get better.

[jealousbitch]

Yeah, well. [ He shrugs. ] Ain't like our lives were a picnic before we got here.

[ He doesn't mention the Flagg-shaped elephant in the room because most of Lloyd's self-worth was tied around being his righthand man. He's doing his job (terribly, because Julie's pissed at him so he failed that part.. but he hopes he's doing okay by Nadine at least) as best he can. Lloyd smiles when she ruffles his hair, letting his eyes close briefly. ]

Not like that's anything new, either. [ He goes quiet, staring at the fire. ] Kinda feels like I got the rug pulled out from under me just as soon as I knew what I was doing.

[nadine_he_loves]

No, they weren't.

[Nadine can't deny that fact. They'd been better off than plenty, but...no, it hadn't been a picnic.]

Look, I know it's been hard, these last few months. And especially lately. We've been floundering a little bit. But...we can take care of ourselves. We can figure things out ourselves. And maybe...maybe it's not so bad, not having someone always telling us what to do and how to live. Not...being expected to do horrible things.

[There had always been drawbacks to being high in Flagg's court. And she knows, if he was still here, the path before them would be soaked in blood. Lloyd isn't made for that. Neither, she thinks, is Julie. Or herself for that matter. She thinks she could grow numb to it, or that maybe whatever Flagg had been doing to her would eventually erode what morals she has left. But she doesn't think she really wants that. She'd only wanted it because of him, and on her own...

The idea that maybe, finally, she does have a choice is powerful and enticing.]

And you've still got me. I know I'm not him, and I can't look after you the way he could, but...he left a little piece, with me. I'm going to look after you as best I can, I promise.

~Julie

[jealousbitch]

[ He's not been trying to avoid Julie per say, she'd just given off such big 'fuck you' vibes that he wanted to give her as much space as she wanted. The last thing he'd wanted to do was push her even further away, but it's apparently what he ended up doing anyway. It's not like he hadn't left little things at her door in the hopes that it would ease her temper! It just... hadn't gone over like he'd been sure of.

His conversation with Nadine helped put things into perspective, but fuck if he's not terrified of making it worse. Their relationship can be explosive, anyway. They're both prone to their extreme emotions and lash out. He can't say he's not guilty of it, he'd yelled at her when she first got here and was just scared and didn't know what was going on. He hadn't meant anything by it by going to Thorne with Nadine, he'd wanted to go watch her back and go see who was left. And he'd fucked it up again. It's been eating at him since that final message they'd both received on the way out of Nott, but he hadn't known how bad he'd messed things up.

Lloyd stands outside the door of their-- no, Julie's- room for a few minutes wringing his hands before he gathers up the gumption to knock. ]

Julie? I know you're in there, can we talk? Please?

[princessvegas]

[ Having made up with Nadine doesn't actually make Julie feel much better. It's less Nadine's fault than the fault of everything else going on, but she still feels terrible, both mentally and physically. She can't even concentrate enough to get to the Horizon, which is really just another blow because it's pretty much the only place she feels safe anymore.

Lloyd is, at the moment, not on her radar at all. Again, it's nothing about him in particular -- she's just too tangled up in dealing with the whole Flagg thing in her mind. His gifts had gone ignored over the weeks, left on the floor outside the door until he took them back, or else someone else took them. They weren't enough, not that any little trinket ever could be enough to make up for what he did, and she didn't want them.

After Nadine left, Julie sat in the bath and cried for a while longer, long enough that her face began to hurt and her eyes puffed up. She thought maybe she would be able to deal better in the morning, so she blew out the lamps, crawled into bed with only the fireplace still going. But she's so distraught that she wound up lying in bed, awake, blinking at the ceiling. The shadows there come from not just the fireplace but the lightning lamps she's made, flickering and swirling over everything, a strange warm glow punctuated with flashes of bright white.

Lloyd's voice cuts through the soft crackle of the fire, the quiet rumble of the clouds, and she feels an instant flash of fury again, uncontrolled and burning hot, and it's so much easier to feel angry than sad. It's comfortable, at least comparatively, and she leans into it, throws the covers back hard enough that they hang half off the bed. She pulls her chemise back on in a huff, pauses before she opens the door. Yeah, okay. Lloyd is a convenient punching bag, if nothing else. When she cracks the door, it's with an icy glare, her hair damp and her face still swollen from crying. Her voice is steely cold. ]

What do you want?

[jealousbitch]

[ As much as he was hoping she would open the door, he doesn't expect it and shuffles back from where he was leaning on the doorframe waiting. That icy glare leveled on him is one he knows he deserves, and he runs a hand through his hair to try and piece together what he actually wants to say, not the first thing at the tip of his tongue. ]

Look, I know I fucked up even if I didn't at the time. I went because it felt like what I was supposed to do, okay? I'm sorry. I shoulda known better, but I don't know what I'm doing here. Par for the course, I'm fucking it up.

[ Lloyd gestures a little helplessly. ]

[princessvegas]

[ She doesn't know why it surprises her that he's not prepared, that he didn't think this through long enough to actually know what he was going to say. Maybe just because she figured it's been long enough for even Lloyd to have worked it out, but apparently not.

Her eyes narrow, and her hand comes through the crack in the door just enough to point sharply, jabbing along at each important point. ]

What you were supposed to do? You were supposed to be with me. You knew, you knew what I went through and you left me alone anyway! You abandoned me, and I don't even know how you could ever have thought it was anythin' different. You don't get to play stupid with me, Lloyd. I know you ain't that fuckin' stupid, not when you have time to think. You had days to think it over, and you still left.

[ Her hand withdraws back inside, her arms cross over her chest. ]

The only thing I ever asked you to do, in all the months we been here, is to be my man. My man, not Nadine's. Not even his, now. Mine. And you didn't do it.

[jealousbitch]

You know what? You're right, I did have time to think it over and I still made my choice. I wasn't trying to leave you alone, Jules. I wanted to do it for me. I just.. had to leave you alone in order to do it. I get it was shitty and if I could do it over, I wouldn't fuckin' go.

[ He had thought it through, but when it got down to actually saying it, the script went out the window. Lloyd's never not one to fly by the seat of his pants, anyway. ]

I'm not hers, you know that! Before you got here, all we had was each other while Flagg was locked up. Then you showed up and I tried! I fucking tried getting you out, Julie, but if I kept pushing at it, I'd have been right next to you in there and I wasn't gonna do that shit again.

[ He can't even argue the point about Flagg, because even though the man's been gone for a fucking age now, Lloyd can't help but look over his shoulder for him. At this point, he doesn't know whether he wants the Dark Man to be looming behind him or to remain absent. At least being Flagg's right hand, he knew how to handle shit or figure it out along the way. He'd had power then, though. The luster is gone, but Lloyd can't say how it makes him feel. If he did come back, at this point he feels like he'd go crawling back.

He shakes his head, scuffing his toe against the floorboards before glancing back up to Julie mournfully. ]

I miss you and I feel fuckin' lost. I know you don't give a shit, but there it is.

[princessvegas]

[ Julie has perhaps never looked so unimpressed in her life. To her ears, these just sound like bullshit excuses, and he doesn't even respect her enough to come up with halfway decent ones. She cocks her hip and, somehow, sounds even frostier. ]

So let me get this straight. You didn't try harder to help me when I was in a dungeon because you were thinkin' about yourself. You wanted to go back to a place that we know for a fact has tortured at least one person, for yourself, even though I begged you to stay away because they threw me in a dungeon. Even though you knew I've watched people turn their back on me when I needed 'em, so you knew how it would feel for me. And now, you want me to just forgive you because you miss me?

[ The door opens further, so that she can lean into her anger, physically advance on him with a furor that almost seems to make her six inches taller. ]

How would you feel if I left you locked in a cell? If I left you locked in a cell because I wanted to go shopping? If I turned my back when you were callin' me through the bars? And now you think I should just take you back because you want it? Fuck you, Lloyd Henreid. I'm not your fuckin' mommy or therapist, it ain't my job to make you feel better when you do wrong. I have been doin' nothin' but cleanin' up other people's messes since that guy busted us outta the dungeon, and I'm fuckin' tired, and you don't even have the basic human decency to really apologize and mean it? You ain't sorry. You just want me to stop bein' mad.

[ By this point, her finger is actually touching his chest, stabbing repeatedly as she speaks. ]

Newsflash, asshole, I'm still mad! Do you even care about me? Just like, as a person? Because Nadine came here and apologized with her whole heart, but here you are, with nothin' but excuses and a half-assed "I'm sorry", like you ate the last slice of cake without offerin' me any. Guess what, Lloyd? You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. I have not survived two end-of-the-worlds to be treated like shit by the likes of you, and I am not about to start now!

[jealousbitch]

[ Okay, so this conversation has gotten away from him so much he's reeling from it. God, why was Julie always like this? He gets she's mad and knows she can hold a grudge, but he's not trying to make excuses for once. Apparently, when he's being honest he's spouting bullshit. ]

I've been there and fuckin' done that, sweetheart! You know how much better off I'd have fucking been if I'd had somebody on the other side makin' damn sure I got fucking fed? [ He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs loudly in frustration. ]

I'm trying to fucking apologize because I feel like an asshole about leaving you when you needed me, but I guess I'll just go fuck myself because it apparently doesn't mean shit! If I didn't care about you, you'd know it by now, Julie. Fuck. I don't have Nadine's pretty words or her heart. I'm telling you I made a mistake and I want to fix it, but nothing I say or do can ever be good enough without Flagg around, huh?

[princessvegas]

[ He always makes everything all about himself, just whine whine whine. Poor Lloyd, everyone's so mean to Lloyd, but meanwhile, he enacted his girlfriend's worst fear on her and can't even actually say that. Can't just give a genuine apology.

Julie's eyes flash dangerously, and all she can see is red as she takes a step backward. Her voice has dropped in the same way that fire feels freezing when it gets hot enough. ]

This has nothing to do with Flagg, and fuck him too. That motherfucker lied to me, got me killed and then abandoned me, so fuck Flagg. And double fuck you. Like I said, you're not sorry you did it, you're sorry that I'm mad. They aren't the same thing, Lloyd. And you don't even fuckin' care. You coulda shot me and it would've hurt less.

[ There are furious, pained tears glistening in her eyes, but she refuses to let them out. Instead, she goes back inside her room. Before she closes the door, there's an icy hiss. ]

Tell Nadine you can tag along to Cadens, but I'm fuckin' done with bein' the least important person around. There are people out there who actually care about me now. I don't need someone who's gonna hurt me and then blame me for bein' pissed.