abraxaslogs | Closed Log

Entry tags:

Closed Log

Who: Nadine, Julie, Lloyd
When: Beginning of February
What: Working through family stuff
Where: Nott

[Things have been tense and awkward since the Dimming, Nadine trying to give Julie her space and avoiding Lloyd more often than not - at least during the day, it's hard to avoid someone when you're currently sharing sleeping arrangements with them. It's been a difficult month, to say the least. And much, much too long.

And Nadine owes apologies to both of her companions - though one is far more pressing than the other. But she doesn't lock the door of the room she's been sharing with Lloyd, as she's been prone to do when she gets home from work - just to give herself a couple of hours to deal with her feelings as best as she can. He's been as helpful as he can be, and she's grateful for that, if she's been awful at expressing it lately. He deserves better. So she leaves the door unlocked and reads through a book on local medicinal herbs, hoping to get a chance to talk to him.

At some point, late in the evening, she makes her way to Julie's door. She has no intentions of trying to justify herself or excuse herself, but Julie deserves an apology. Even if the other woman doesn't forgive her, Nadine didn't do right by her and that needs an apology. She knocks as she announces herself, preparing to be turned away but hoping otherwise.]

Julie? Can we talk? Or at least...can I talk to you? I just want to apologize.

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[Nadine nods, understanding Julie's reasoning - even if she doesn't fully understand. But she understands wanting control, and how important that is. Particularly to people like her and Julie, who have so often had so little of it.]

No.

[She's quick to answer, and shakes her head to emphasize it. There are a lot of things she's unsure of, but not this.]

No, I'm not going to do that again. I'm probably going to mess up sometimes, I can't promise I'm not going to make mistakes or mess up. I've...I've never had a friend before, Julie, not really. But I can promise I am not going to make a choice to leave you behind again.

[There's no way to promise she'll never leave - that's not always going to be in her control. But she can sure as hell promise not to make that choice again. And mean it.]

Anywhere we decide to go or not go, it's together.

[ It's not that she doesn't want to believe Nadine. On the contrary, Julie actually wants nothing more in the world than to believe that it's the truth. But she's a big believer in "fool me once", and, well, she's been fooled. She's been fooled and much worse than she ever thought, as it turns out; her trust is, understandably, very thin at the moment. With everyone.

She sits at the edge of the bed, back pressed to the headboard, and clutches a pillow to her chest. Her knees are drawn up, bare toes just peeking out from under the edge of her chemise -- her toenails are a sort of faded pink, the small jar of primitive polish still left on the bedside table. ]

I was thinking about going to Cadens soon. [ Her voice is quiet. ] I sold Susan's horse, so I have enough to get there, me and Baron. I wanted to save some more, so I wouldn't have to rush to get a job, but maybe it's better to just go.

[Well, this saves Nadine bringing it up herself. She'd been planning on broaching the subject, whether or not Julie was open to forgiving her. But this makes it easier.]

That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I think the Free Cities would be a lot better for you. And probably me, too. We have people there. But you specifically have a lot of people who care about you there. Lloyd and I have been saving up, too. Just added to the fund tonight, actually. If you want to go in the next couple of days, we can.

[She would have liked more time here to learn, but...Lloyd can grab her a book before they take off. Academic Magic is just as easy to learn from a book as from another mage - not that either is particularly easy. This is more important. Getting Julie somewhere she feels safe and has a wider immediate support network takes precedence over any other plans or ideas Nadine may have had.]

And I can make sure we have a financial cushion. I have a key to the shop where I work, I know where the money is. I can send Lloyd the night before we leave, there's no one there at night. It's not going to ruin my boss or anything.

[Otherwise she'd feel guilty. More guilty, anyway.]

I actually don't really wanna be in the Free Cities. [ She sounds hesitant, her brow furrowed. ] I don't trust the government. I mean, I don't trust any government, because who would, right? After... after everythin' ours did to us. But with the royals, you at least know what you're gettin' into. And Sam's told me about his talks with their president lady, and she sounds like a fuckin' liar. And I'm really worried they're gonna fuck with the Singularity. I don't love it like they do up at the castle, but I don't think these idiots should be messin' with it, either.

[ Julie sighs. If she had a choice, she would move everyone to Nott, where they're left alone and no one has any grand designs on a potentially universe-destroying rock. But nearly everyone she knows wound up in Cadens, and it's been pointed out to her that while Nott itself may be pretty neutral, it would be the first place that any of the factions try to stake a military claim if a war comes. It's closest to the Singularity, it's not particularly loyal to the crown, and it's resource-rich. It's a risky place to be simply by virtue of what it is.

She bites the inside of her cheek, tries to find a silver lining, and does perk up a little. ]

Ciri told me that she went to Aquila, though, and there's a beach, like the ocean. I never been to a beach before, not a real one. I always wanted to go somewhere like that.

I'm pretty sure anybody who makes it into that high a position of authority is a liar.

[Nadine offers a tired little smile. Julie has a point, she doesn't really trust any of the governments here. When had a government ever been trustworthy? But they don't have much of a choice, they have to live under one of them. They can't just go live in the woods in the middle of nowhere.]

But at least as far as we know, the Free Cities' leaders aren't torturing any of us or overtly trying to use us. We're really not safe anywhere, at least in the Free Cities we have people we can rely on if something happens. Here...

[It's just them. They're isolated and alone here. It's safer to be with people they can depend on, people who can help if need be.]

The ocean's a lot more impressive than a big lake. I've heard that one of the cities there is the fashion capital of this world, too. And there's museums. And it's warmer there.

[There are, at least, things about the Free Cities that are appealing.]

That torture thing was more complicated than that. It's insane bullshit, but they ain't just torturin' anyone they could catch. And Free Cities is fuckin' enlistin' us! Thorne wants us alive, they need us to get the Singularity. Free Cities wants cannon fodder.

[ And she doesn't know what Solvunn wants -- it kind of sounds like they just didn't want to be left out of the fun. Either way, it's where everyone else she knows decided to stay, so it doesn't feel like there's much of a choice, unless she makes a whole bunch of other close friends within the next few days. Maybe they can at least leave Cadens if things get bad, go to one of the other cities.

But she nods; it could be worse. From across the room, a small stack of papers, wrapped in string, floats toward them, carried by her third hand. She sets them down in front of herself, and the top sheet is tightly written script. Notes. ]

So, I have these... I wrote down everythin' I was able to learn from Polly, and the stuff I learned on my own. [ The innkeeper's wife, Julie's boss, had been her main source of magical guidance, had taught her the basics of better directing the magic once she'd managed to harness it. She'd told Julie the methods that the natives of Nott used to teach their children to control their magic, the little techniques and tricks to regulate themselves while they learned. In the other cities, she'd said, they taught their children to suppress the magic, to not use it until they were in school and could learn from books, that most of them lost touch with the innate ability to simply do it. Like learning to speak multiple languages, it's something that children simply pick up as they go, but only in Nott do they bother encouraging such a thing. ] It's not like, a lot, but it's what I got. She says that I must have a knack, 'cause she said most people can't find as much magic as I can.

Yeah, I uh, I did get all the details on that. But it proves that at least one of the leaders here in Thorne doesn't think we're all too precious to seriously harm.

[That alone is unnerving, even if they likely have no reason to think they're in any danger. It just shows that being Summoned isn't any sort of protection in Thorne, if it serves some ruler's personal agenda.]

And it sounds like the Free Cities aren't forcing anyone to do anything, so we probably don't have to worry about being drafted, at least.

[She likely wouldn't be so amenable to the move if the local authorities in Cadens were requiring service. It's no surprise they want to use Summoned, everyone here does.

That doesn't mean they have to help.]

I had no doubt that you'd be good at wild magic. You've really figured out a lot, from what I can tell. And it didn't take you long. I'm going to have Lloyd grab me a book or two, I doubt I'll be able to find a teacher in Cadens, do you want me to have him grab something on wild magic?

[ Julie's face very clearly says she doesn't agree, that she still finds the Free Cities to be the more dangerous option. The queen doing shit on the sly, to her, reads as much, much less dangerous than an entire kingdom who's gung-ho on expanding the military and potentially going to war. Not to mention their approaches to the Singularity, which Julie very much worries might be the actual center of the universe (or at least something akin to it). The Free Cities has made no secret of their desire to harm it.

But her trepidation is not competition for her desire to be with the people she knows, cares about. Who will take care of her. So she sighs again, shrugs. ]

If he sees somethin' worth grabbin'. A lot of the books are for kids, 'cause they start teachin' 'em real young here, but I already read most of the kids' books. I think there's a higher-level book about conjurin' objects, like an actual textbook, it would be good if he can get it. It's the hardest thing to do, I can usually only make really simple stuff, and half the time, it's still broken in pieces. I been tryin' to conjure a make-up brush, I thought that sounded easy, but I keep gettin' little piles of bristles. Sometimes the stick part, but usually not. The only thing I can really conjure... reliably, I guess, is pencils. Like just regular pencils. Even when I tried to make ink pens, quills, I still got pencils.

[ She reaches over and opens the bedside table drawer. Inside, amongst various belongings, is an oddly large collection of stubby, primitive pencils. Julie doesn't know how to get rid of them without just throwing them away, which seems wasteful. ]

I'll have him look for that. And hey, maybe all you can conjure well is pencils but that's a lot more than I can do. I can't even begin to think about trying to conjure something solid.

[And Julie has clearly been practicing. That's a lot of pencils. Maybe not particularly useful, but as far as a foundation to build on, it's impressive. Nadine had been sure the younger woman would show talent for wild magic, but she's already surpassing expectations by leaps and bounds.

One way or another, they need to find ways to continue their respective magical educations in the Free Cities.]

It shouldn't take more than a day or two to get everything ready. Unless you need more time.

[It doesn't matter to her, she's happy to do this on Julie's schedule. But Nadine has very little to pack and prepare, and she knows the same holds true for Lloyd.]

Oh, I'm not goin' fuckin' anywhere with Lloyd Henreid right now. You wanna travel with him, that's your business and I'll meet up with you later in Cadens, but I don't want him within ten feet of me.

[ Julie was hurt by Nadine. She was infuriated by Lloyd. He made his choice and doesn't even have the balls to admit he regrets it, so she assumes he doesn't. If he can't choose her over Nadine, then he serves no purpose as a boyfriend.

She shrugs and puts the notes in the drawer with the pencils. She doesn't care how petty it is -- as far as she's concerned, Lloyd no longer has any place in her life. ]

If it makes any difference, I think the only reason he hasn't tried to talk to you is he's scared and doesn't know how. You know Lloyd, he's not good with heavy conversations and conflict.

[For all that he was Randall Flagg's right hand man, Lloyd is not a hard or cruel man. He has the heart of a loyal dog, but his nature isn't violent or uncaring. Nadine can't entirely blame him for not knowing how to approach this situation.

But she also can't stand here and say Julie doesn't have a right to be mad. It's different between Julie and Lloyd and Nadine can't say one way or another if Julie's is justified. Maybe it is. But she knows Lloyd is hurting, too, and both of them are important to her.]

I'll admit, I don't really understand the relationship you two have, and I'm not going to tell you that I think you should talk to him or forgive him, I can't say that, I don't know if you should or not. That's between you two. But I do know he cares about you, and there was no malice in his choice, and he hasn't been doing too good this last month.

[It isn't as if Lloyd were off galivanting and ignoring what had happened.]

[ In all honesty, Julie doesn't really understand her relationship with Lloyd anymore either. It was easy back home, simple -- he had power that she wanted, so she twisted him up in a web of sex and flattery, playing a role to solidify her place in Flagg's society. The second he began to break under the pressure, she was there to talk him back up, to keep him exactly where he was so that she didn't fall too. And when he finally betrayed Flagg, she'd hurled abuse, made her feelings clear. Made them clear again when he found her in the dungeon, but then she was... stuck in the dungeon, where she was scared and confused, and he'd told her that he would get her out.

He failed. He's failed her time and time again now.

But she's afraid to be alone, to not have a safety net. Lloyd is the backup plan for her backup plans, but that doesn't mean anything if he's willing to abandon her on a lark. She'd rather be on her own than rejected.

Julie scoffs, rolls her eyes. ]

If he's gonna be so chickenshit that he can't apologize, then what point is there in botherin' with him? He ain't pulled through for me even once since long before we got here, so what good is he? I'm not his fuckin' mommy, it ain't my job to coddle him and kiss his boo-boos and tell him it's all gonna be okay. He can man up or he can kick rocks, 'cause I'll be just fine either way.

I guess the only advice I'd offer is if he does man up and apologize...at least hear him out. I know he screwed up, too, but...

[But he's one of them. He's family. Julie has a point, though, she's not obligated to forgive. And it's not her job to make sure Lloyd feels good about himself. Nadine already spent the first half of the night trying to do just that.

But it's between them.]

Practically speaking it'd be safer and easier to travel together. Either way...just say the word on how soon you want to leave.

[ She sighs, and she seems much less angry overall with everything. She just seems disheartened, really, a bit defeated. She's angry at Lloyd and throwing his supposed role in his face, but at the same time, she doesn't know that he fits into any role now.

Her head falls back to thump gently against the headboard. ]

I dunno. Maybe. You got a mage in mind? It can't be that guy with the wonky eye. He dumped Geralt out in the middle of the desert, so I threw a rock through his front window.

I think I know someone. She's a frequent customer at the shop, every other day, and the stuff she gets pretty clearly says she at least dabbles in the black market. If she's already doing shady stuff, there's a good chance we can pay her to do another shady thing.

[It just makes sense to Nadine. Someone who's already bending and sneaking around laws likely won't be averse to a job like this. Especially when they'll pay. She can put feelers out the next time the woman comes in, it'll be either the next day or the one after.]

If nothing else, she'll likely know someone who can help.

Just make sure she understands we don't wanna walk a fuckin' week to the city gates. [ She's still very salty about the whole thing with Geralt. And speaking of -- ]

Hey. So, before we leave, I gotta tell you... um, I found somethin' out. It's... So it turns out that people who disappeared can come back. Like, for real. I mean, I knew that it could happen theoretically or whatever. But it's actually happened. Geralt says a few times, for sure. [ And she doesn't need to voice out loud that it would not be good for any of them if a certain someone shows back up to find out what they've all been doing in his absence. ] And... and I think I might know what he is. Not just a guess or suspicion, but for real what he is and how he came to us.

[Nadine is quiet a moment, nodding. She takes a seat, not entirely surprised at confirmation that those gone may return but not comforted by it much. More pressing than that however is what Julie follows it up with.

She's never quite decided whether he's a demonic entity or a chaotic lesser god of some long forgotten pantheon, but she's long been sure he's one of the two.]

Do you want to talk about it? I don't know everything, not by a long shot, but...I know some things. Have someone in your head for twenty six years, you pick things up.

[Impossible not to, he'd been in her life for the majority of it. Even still, she likely only knows a bit more than Julie.]

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. I don't know if you heard, but Geralt and them went through some shit. Kaer Morhen was attacked. When I asked about what did it, he said that monsters he'd never seen came through a kind of doorway into their world. And then he asked what I knew about demons.

[ She takes a breath and it's shaky. And Julie's not stupid, she's known basically all along that Flagg was something not quite human, something else, but there are more and more things that seem to be parallel across worlds that have never touched each other. Which means whatever is touching those worlds, leaving those fingerprints, is traveling between worlds to do so. ]

Um, I said all the normal stuff. That they come from Hell, sometimes they're summoned, they possess people. All of that. And then he asked if Flagg came to me in dreams too. That's what they all do. He says... he says that demons feed on misery and pain. That they make promises, trades. But they aren't "demons" like we thought, like from Hell, they're from other worlds. Flagg told me himself he was from another world, he said his world had died like ours was dyin'. But they come through these doors and get stuck. And we somehow had two, him and the witch, but the thing is that the Singularity might be one of the doors. And if he can find the door again... if he...

[ If he finds the door again, she doesn't believe they'll all be lucky enough to survive him a third time. ]

I told Geralt that I'd tell him if Flagg comes back. Not... not for us. For Jaskier. To protect him.

Good. I...um...I'll make sure there's no bigger risk to Jaskier than there already is.

[Nadine's expression remains the same, tired and resigned. Everything Julie's saying lines up, there's nothing she can say to contradict her or ease her mind. And she's right, if Flagg ever came back, Jaskier would be in great danger. She'll have to put a stop to that, much as it pains her. But it isn't like much has happened yet, she'd only slept with him a few times. There's no feelings, not real ones, not like that.]

When I was little...I was told never to use Ouija boards or anything like them, because they can open up doors and let things in. Bad things. The usual extremist Catholic crap, tools of the devil, all of it. One of the first nights I was in the children's home, one of the other girls had a spirit board. They talked me into using it. That's when he found me. Everything went weird and there was a lot of...disturbing and scary things scratched into the floor and the walls.

[She takes a deep and shaky breath. This isn't something she talks about often. She's talked around it, mentioned that Flagg first came to her through magical means when she was young. But never the specifics.]

Um, I don't think Mother Abigail was the same as him, though. There were pictures, in her house, of her when she was young and her family. Whatever she was, she was human. Him, though...Oh god.

[It's a lot to process, and she buries her face in her hands for a moment to try and settle herself. If he ever came back...he's always been lenient with her, but leniency only goes so far. And whatever he'd done to her...shit. She should tell Julie.]

Okay, uh, so there's something else I need to tell you. I wasn't going to bring it up tonight, but...before he disappeared, we'd had a conversation. About me and him and how he could give me a piece of his power, teach me to do the things he can do. We never got around to the teaching part but...

I mean, I think that goose's already been cooked. If I'm real honest, I don't know that... that anyone in this world will be safe, if he gets back here. You never saw -- you never saw him when he was mad. What he can do with his bare hands. [ Julie's brow furrows, and she looks down at the bedspread, can't look at Nadine anymore. ] He gets us to do most of the dirty work. You, Lloyd, Ratty, the schizo, that dickweed you killed. Keeps himself above it all, usually. I thought it meant he was a good leader. Like, the President didn't drop the bombs hisself, y'know? But Flagg... when he takes personal offense, it's different.

[ And it's terrifying. You don't run down forty-two flights of stairs in heels because things are going so great.

Julie's expression is one that says she clearly doesn't agree. The witch, this Mother Abigail, sounds pretty much the same to her -- regular old ladies can't summon people in their dreams, don't pick fights with demons for no reason. Having pictures doesn't mean shit. She took selfies with Flagg herself, has seen that he shows up just fine. Wait, isn't it vampires that don't show up on film? Either way, Flagg is in pictures too, so they can't rest on that factor being the determiner.

Her face changes to one of dread, and she bites the inside of her cheek. ] What do you mean, "give"?

Yeah, he doesn't do well with personal slights. I've seen...enough. Uh...how safe you are with him comes down to how important or replaceable you are. That's why maybe, if I call things off now, it wouldn't be a disaster. It only happened a few times, it was casual...he'd be mad, yeah, but I've done things he doesn't like before. I was supposed to kill Larry, he knows I didn't, he didn't do anything over it. I wasn't supposed to kill Harold, but I did, and he didn't care. I really don't understand who decided or how he knows, he'd never give me a straight answer, but Flagg didn't choose me. Some greater force chose me for him.

[Nadine is certain that's what offers her the small level of protection she's granted. Flagg apparently can't just go out and find another wife, for whatever reasons, it has to be here. Why else would he go through all the effort he had? Why reach out to her when she was a child, decades before anyone else even knew he existed? Why take such great care with her?

But she knows even that only goes so far. Sleeping with someone? Not ideal, but potentially not the end of the world. She's gotten the impression that emotional fidelity is far more important.]

And again, he's never really been great with straight and complete answers. All he said was that it was possible, and he'd be happy to, but there's a price. Which I know, that...that was sort of the point. I figured...it'd be easier. Easier to love him, to be with him, to be what he needed me to be. I'm already damned beyond redemption, I know that, so what did it matter? Anyway, he....touched me and said that was it and he'd start teaching me soon. But then he vanished, and I didn't think that much about it....until I accidentally turned into a wolf the other month. It's probably not a big deal, but...it's something you should know about.

[ Julie lets out a bitter, dry laugh at that, a dark "Ha" that does nothing to conceal her pain. She's always been the least vital part of the organization, she knows that. Even the fucking psycho in his underwear was more important than she was. Despite all her efforts, her conniving, her trying, she was nothing but a reward for Lloyd, something that could be taken away and broken if he stepped out of line.

She tried so hard to be something more. Anything. But in the end, it was meaningless, a waste. He'd never seen her, never wanted her like he wanted the others. She doesn't know why, doesn't know what Lloyd or any of the others had that was so much more special than what she had. Even fucking Harold was more useful to him, had a purpose.

And now, if he comes back, he'll know everything and obliterate her without a thought. There's no reason to spare her.

Tears prick in the corners of her eyes and she presses the heels of her palms to them, pushes until she sees spots behind her eyelids. She inhales sharply through her nose and wills herself to not shake from the multitude of emotions she's feeling. ] Cool. Awesome. Just gotta be important to survive, irreplaceable. So... yeah.

[ So not me, it goes unsaid. Not important in Kansas, not important in Vegas, not important in Abraxas. All she can do is look good and make pencils. Her only hope is if he doesn't ever manage to get back.

Nadine says that she can accidentally turn into a wolf, like it's the same as accidentally leaving the fridge open, and Julie looks up at her with deep confusion. What the fuck? Could Flagg even do that? It's not out of the question, but why is that what he gave his wife? ]

Uh... I'm sorry, what?

But that's an advantage here. He doesn't have an adoring throng, he has us and that's it. He didn't exactly win anyone over while he was here, all I ever get when he comes up is how unsettling he was. And I don't know if it's psychological or something more, but he needs people. And we'll have some warning. The second he ever set foot in this world again, I'd know.

[Nadine understands Julie's reaction, doesn't blame her for it at all. But should Flagg return, he only has them. It's a thin shield, yes, but it's something. And his plans were important to him, he needs them. It isn't like home.

It's only a small comfort, though. She wishes there was more she could offer Julie, but they both know the reality of their situation. There aren't many things that can be said to offer comfort.]

I...I do sort of understand what you're going through. That moment when you can't justify certain things anymore, when all the pieces suddenly fit together and you realize exactly what you gave yourself over to. There's nothing I can say to make that any better. But I can say this: right now, you have a real chance, Julie. You weren't touched by him the way Lloyd and I were, I don't think he ever worked any magic on you. You don't have that darkness in you. I do, and I think Lloyd does, too. It's like a...poison, it radiates off of him and seeps in. I know what he is, what he can and would do, and for fuck's sake I still love him. I don't know if I can't at this point.

[It's her turn now to take a breath and try not shake or let out any tears. She hates herself that even still she loves Randall Flagg, misses him still in the long dark of the night. She shouldn't. She knows that she shouldn't, that there's something wrong with her, but it is what it is. And she'd bet everything she owns that he had something to do with that.]

But now, in this world, you have the chance to truly be free and live for yourself. And I don't know, I turned into a wolf. It wasn't for long, I haven't done it again, I haven't tried to do anything else. I'm not going to try to do anything else.

[ It's all she can do to duck her head, hide her face against her knees, arms wrapped tight around her shin. She wants to sob, to scream that Nadine doesn't understand, doesn't understand even a little fucking bit. Nadine got to spend nearly her whole goddamn life knowing that at least she was special, even when those around her didn't see it. That she meant something.

Flagg was the first person to ever tell Julie she was special, and it was a dirty fucking lie. It would have all been worth it, worth the darkness on her soul, if only it was true, but instead, she did it all and died for absolutely nothing.

For the first time since she woke up from the dead, she truly wishes she hadn't.

Much of what Nadine actually says doesn't really register -- Julie's whole frame quivers a little where she sits, draws unsteady breaths in an effort to will herself into stoicism. What does another chance matter? She's still nothing but the dumb fucking hayseed who thought she could be someone important when she's just... nothing at all.

Her voice is muffled into her kneecaps, her chemise. She can feel the tendrils of her magic trying to lash out, strike at nothing, and there's a noticeable strain in her tone while she tries to counter it. ]

I guess at least you can hang out with Geralt's wolf.

[Nadine doesn't know what's going through Julie's head, but she thinks she has a good idea. She approaches the bed, not making any move to touch the younger woman but offering a closer presence.]

If you want to be alone, I can leave you alone. If you want silent company, I can do that too. But I just want to say one thing...you have a lot of people who care about you, Julie. Really care about you. Not because of what you might be able to do for them, but just because you're you.

[That feels like something that might be important to Julie. She's painted a general picture of her childhood and prior life, and it didn't exactly seem filled with people who cared about her.

Nadine understands that, at least.]

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