abraxaslogs | Closed Log

Entry tags:

Closed Log

Who: Nadine, Julie, Lloyd
When: Beginning of February
What: Working through family stuff
Where: Nott

[Things have been tense and awkward since the Dimming, Nadine trying to give Julie her space and avoiding Lloyd more often than not - at least during the day, it's hard to avoid someone when you're currently sharing sleeping arrangements with them. It's been a difficult month, to say the least. And much, much too long.

And Nadine owes apologies to both of her companions - though one is far more pressing than the other. But she doesn't lock the door of the room she's been sharing with Lloyd, as she's been prone to do when she gets home from work - just to give herself a couple of hours to deal with her feelings as best as she can. He's been as helpful as he can be, and she's grateful for that, if she's been awful at expressing it lately. He deserves better. So she leaves the door unlocked and reads through a book on local medicinal herbs, hoping to get a chance to talk to him.

At some point, late in the evening, she makes her way to Julie's door. She has no intentions of trying to justify herself or excuse herself, but Julie deserves an apology. Even if the other woman doesn't forgive her, Nadine didn't do right by her and that needs an apology. She knocks as she announces herself, preparing to be turned away but hoping otherwise.]

Julie? Can we talk? Or at least...can I talk to you? I just want to apologize.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'll have him look for that. And hey, maybe all you can conjure well is pencils but that's a lot more than I can do. I can't even begin to think about trying to conjure something solid.

[And Julie has clearly been practicing. That's a lot of pencils. Maybe not particularly useful, but as far as a foundation to build on, it's impressive. Nadine had been sure the younger woman would show talent for wild magic, but she's already surpassing expectations by leaps and bounds.

One way or another, they need to find ways to continue their respective magical educations in the Free Cities.]

It shouldn't take more than a day or two to get everything ready. Unless you need more time.

[It doesn't matter to her, she's happy to do this on Julie's schedule. But Nadine has very little to pack and prepare, and she knows the same holds true for Lloyd.]

Oh, I'm not goin' fuckin' anywhere with Lloyd Henreid right now. You wanna travel with him, that's your business and I'll meet up with you later in Cadens, but I don't want him within ten feet of me.

[ Julie was hurt by Nadine. She was infuriated by Lloyd. He made his choice and doesn't even have the balls to admit he regrets it, so she assumes he doesn't. If he can't choose her over Nadine, then he serves no purpose as a boyfriend.

She shrugs and puts the notes in the drawer with the pencils. She doesn't care how petty it is -- as far as she's concerned, Lloyd no longer has any place in her life. ]

If it makes any difference, I think the only reason he hasn't tried to talk to you is he's scared and doesn't know how. You know Lloyd, he's not good with heavy conversations and conflict.

[For all that he was Randall Flagg's right hand man, Lloyd is not a hard or cruel man. He has the heart of a loyal dog, but his nature isn't violent or uncaring. Nadine can't entirely blame him for not knowing how to approach this situation.

But she also can't stand here and say Julie doesn't have a right to be mad. It's different between Julie and Lloyd and Nadine can't say one way or another if Julie's is justified. Maybe it is. But she knows Lloyd is hurting, too, and both of them are important to her.]

I'll admit, I don't really understand the relationship you two have, and I'm not going to tell you that I think you should talk to him or forgive him, I can't say that, I don't know if you should or not. That's between you two. But I do know he cares about you, and there was no malice in his choice, and he hasn't been doing too good this last month.

[It isn't as if Lloyd were off galivanting and ignoring what had happened.]

[ In all honesty, Julie doesn't really understand her relationship with Lloyd anymore either. It was easy back home, simple -- he had power that she wanted, so she twisted him up in a web of sex and flattery, playing a role to solidify her place in Flagg's society. The second he began to break under the pressure, she was there to talk him back up, to keep him exactly where he was so that she didn't fall too. And when he finally betrayed Flagg, she'd hurled abuse, made her feelings clear. Made them clear again when he found her in the dungeon, but then she was... stuck in the dungeon, where she was scared and confused, and he'd told her that he would get her out.

He failed. He's failed her time and time again now.

But she's afraid to be alone, to not have a safety net. Lloyd is the backup plan for her backup plans, but that doesn't mean anything if he's willing to abandon her on a lark. She'd rather be on her own than rejected.

Julie scoffs, rolls her eyes. ]

If he's gonna be so chickenshit that he can't apologize, then what point is there in botherin' with him? He ain't pulled through for me even once since long before we got here, so what good is he? I'm not his fuckin' mommy, it ain't my job to coddle him and kiss his boo-boos and tell him it's all gonna be okay. He can man up or he can kick rocks, 'cause I'll be just fine either way.

I guess the only advice I'd offer is if he does man up and apologize...at least hear him out. I know he screwed up, too, but...

[But he's one of them. He's family. Julie has a point, though, she's not obligated to forgive. And it's not her job to make sure Lloyd feels good about himself. Nadine already spent the first half of the night trying to do just that.

But it's between them.]

Practically speaking it'd be safer and easier to travel together. Either way...just say the word on how soon you want to leave.

[ She sighs, and she seems much less angry overall with everything. She just seems disheartened, really, a bit defeated. She's angry at Lloyd and throwing his supposed role in his face, but at the same time, she doesn't know that he fits into any role now.

Her head falls back to thump gently against the headboard. ]

I dunno. Maybe. You got a mage in mind? It can't be that guy with the wonky eye. He dumped Geralt out in the middle of the desert, so I threw a rock through his front window.

I think I know someone. She's a frequent customer at the shop, every other day, and the stuff she gets pretty clearly says she at least dabbles in the black market. If she's already doing shady stuff, there's a good chance we can pay her to do another shady thing.

[It just makes sense to Nadine. Someone who's already bending and sneaking around laws likely won't be averse to a job like this. Especially when they'll pay. She can put feelers out the next time the woman comes in, it'll be either the next day or the one after.]

If nothing else, she'll likely know someone who can help.

Just make sure she understands we don't wanna walk a fuckin' week to the city gates. [ She's still very salty about the whole thing with Geralt. And speaking of -- ]

Hey. So, before we leave, I gotta tell you... um, I found somethin' out. It's... So it turns out that people who disappeared can come back. Like, for real. I mean, I knew that it could happen theoretically or whatever. But it's actually happened. Geralt says a few times, for sure. [ And she doesn't need to voice out loud that it would not be good for any of them if a certain someone shows back up to find out what they've all been doing in his absence. ] And... and I think I might know what he is. Not just a guess or suspicion, but for real what he is and how he came to us.

[Nadine is quiet a moment, nodding. She takes a seat, not entirely surprised at confirmation that those gone may return but not comforted by it much. More pressing than that however is what Julie follows it up with.

She's never quite decided whether he's a demonic entity or a chaotic lesser god of some long forgotten pantheon, but she's long been sure he's one of the two.]

Do you want to talk about it? I don't know everything, not by a long shot, but...I know some things. Have someone in your head for twenty six years, you pick things up.

[Impossible not to, he'd been in her life for the majority of it. Even still, she likely only knows a bit more than Julie.]

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. I don't know if you heard, but Geralt and them went through some shit. Kaer Morhen was attacked. When I asked about what did it, he said that monsters he'd never seen came through a kind of doorway into their world. And then he asked what I knew about demons.

[ She takes a breath and it's shaky. And Julie's not stupid, she's known basically all along that Flagg was something not quite human, something else, but there are more and more things that seem to be parallel across worlds that have never touched each other. Which means whatever is touching those worlds, leaving those fingerprints, is traveling between worlds to do so. ]

Um, I said all the normal stuff. That they come from Hell, sometimes they're summoned, they possess people. All of that. And then he asked if Flagg came to me in dreams too. That's what they all do. He says... he says that demons feed on misery and pain. That they make promises, trades. But they aren't "demons" like we thought, like from Hell, they're from other worlds. Flagg told me himself he was from another world, he said his world had died like ours was dyin'. But they come through these doors and get stuck. And we somehow had two, him and the witch, but the thing is that the Singularity might be one of the doors. And if he can find the door again... if he...

[ If he finds the door again, she doesn't believe they'll all be lucky enough to survive him a third time. ]

I told Geralt that I'd tell him if Flagg comes back. Not... not for us. For Jaskier. To protect him.

Good. I...um...I'll make sure there's no bigger risk to Jaskier than there already is.

[Nadine's expression remains the same, tired and resigned. Everything Julie's saying lines up, there's nothing she can say to contradict her or ease her mind. And she's right, if Flagg ever came back, Jaskier would be in great danger. She'll have to put a stop to that, much as it pains her. But it isn't like much has happened yet, she'd only slept with him a few times. There's no feelings, not real ones, not like that.]

When I was little...I was told never to use Ouija boards or anything like them, because they can open up doors and let things in. Bad things. The usual extremist Catholic crap, tools of the devil, all of it. One of the first nights I was in the children's home, one of the other girls had a spirit board. They talked me into using it. That's when he found me. Everything went weird and there was a lot of...disturbing and scary things scratched into the floor and the walls.

[She takes a deep and shaky breath. This isn't something she talks about often. She's talked around it, mentioned that Flagg first came to her through magical means when she was young. But never the specifics.]

Um, I don't think Mother Abigail was the same as him, though. There were pictures, in her house, of her when she was young and her family. Whatever she was, she was human. Him, though...Oh god.

[It's a lot to process, and she buries her face in her hands for a moment to try and settle herself. If he ever came back...he's always been lenient with her, but leniency only goes so far. And whatever he'd done to her...shit. She should tell Julie.]

Okay, uh, so there's something else I need to tell you. I wasn't going to bring it up tonight, but...before he disappeared, we'd had a conversation. About me and him and how he could give me a piece of his power, teach me to do the things he can do. We never got around to the teaching part but...

I mean, I think that goose's already been cooked. If I'm real honest, I don't know that... that anyone in this world will be safe, if he gets back here. You never saw -- you never saw him when he was mad. What he can do with his bare hands. [ Julie's brow furrows, and she looks down at the bedspread, can't look at Nadine anymore. ] He gets us to do most of the dirty work. You, Lloyd, Ratty, the schizo, that dickweed you killed. Keeps himself above it all, usually. I thought it meant he was a good leader. Like, the President didn't drop the bombs hisself, y'know? But Flagg... when he takes personal offense, it's different.

[ And it's terrifying. You don't run down forty-two flights of stairs in heels because things are going so great.

Julie's expression is one that says she clearly doesn't agree. The witch, this Mother Abigail, sounds pretty much the same to her -- regular old ladies can't summon people in their dreams, don't pick fights with demons for no reason. Having pictures doesn't mean shit. She took selfies with Flagg herself, has seen that he shows up just fine. Wait, isn't it vampires that don't show up on film? Either way, Flagg is in pictures too, so they can't rest on that factor being the determiner.

Her face changes to one of dread, and she bites the inside of her cheek. ] What do you mean, "give"?

Yeah, he doesn't do well with personal slights. I've seen...enough. Uh...how safe you are with him comes down to how important or replaceable you are. That's why maybe, if I call things off now, it wouldn't be a disaster. It only happened a few times, it was casual...he'd be mad, yeah, but I've done things he doesn't like before. I was supposed to kill Larry, he knows I didn't, he didn't do anything over it. I wasn't supposed to kill Harold, but I did, and he didn't care. I really don't understand who decided or how he knows, he'd never give me a straight answer, but Flagg didn't choose me. Some greater force chose me for him.

[Nadine is certain that's what offers her the small level of protection she's granted. Flagg apparently can't just go out and find another wife, for whatever reasons, it has to be here. Why else would he go through all the effort he had? Why reach out to her when she was a child, decades before anyone else even knew he existed? Why take such great care with her?

But she knows even that only goes so far. Sleeping with someone? Not ideal, but potentially not the end of the world. She's gotten the impression that emotional fidelity is far more important.]

And again, he's never really been great with straight and complete answers. All he said was that it was possible, and he'd be happy to, but there's a price. Which I know, that...that was sort of the point. I figured...it'd be easier. Easier to love him, to be with him, to be what he needed me to be. I'm already damned beyond redemption, I know that, so what did it matter? Anyway, he....touched me and said that was it and he'd start teaching me soon. But then he vanished, and I didn't think that much about it....until I accidentally turned into a wolf the other month. It's probably not a big deal, but...it's something you should know about.

[ Julie lets out a bitter, dry laugh at that, a dark "Ha" that does nothing to conceal her pain. She's always been the least vital part of the organization, she knows that. Even the fucking psycho in his underwear was more important than she was. Despite all her efforts, her conniving, her trying, she was nothing but a reward for Lloyd, something that could be taken away and broken if he stepped out of line.

She tried so hard to be something more. Anything. But in the end, it was meaningless, a waste. He'd never seen her, never wanted her like he wanted the others. She doesn't know why, doesn't know what Lloyd or any of the others had that was so much more special than what she had. Even fucking Harold was more useful to him, had a purpose.

And now, if he comes back, he'll know everything and obliterate her without a thought. There's no reason to spare her.

Tears prick in the corners of her eyes and she presses the heels of her palms to them, pushes until she sees spots behind her eyelids. She inhales sharply through her nose and wills herself to not shake from the multitude of emotions she's feeling. ] Cool. Awesome. Just gotta be important to survive, irreplaceable. So... yeah.

[ So not me, it goes unsaid. Not important in Kansas, not important in Vegas, not important in Abraxas. All she can do is look good and make pencils. Her only hope is if he doesn't ever manage to get back.

Nadine says that she can accidentally turn into a wolf, like it's the same as accidentally leaving the fridge open, and Julie looks up at her with deep confusion. What the fuck? Could Flagg even do that? It's not out of the question, but why is that what he gave his wife? ]

Uh... I'm sorry, what?

But that's an advantage here. He doesn't have an adoring throng, he has us and that's it. He didn't exactly win anyone over while he was here, all I ever get when he comes up is how unsettling he was. And I don't know if it's psychological or something more, but he needs people. And we'll have some warning. The second he ever set foot in this world again, I'd know.

[Nadine understands Julie's reaction, doesn't blame her for it at all. But should Flagg return, he only has them. It's a thin shield, yes, but it's something. And his plans were important to him, he needs them. It isn't like home.

It's only a small comfort, though. She wishes there was more she could offer Julie, but they both know the reality of their situation. There aren't many things that can be said to offer comfort.]

I...I do sort of understand what you're going through. That moment when you can't justify certain things anymore, when all the pieces suddenly fit together and you realize exactly what you gave yourself over to. There's nothing I can say to make that any better. But I can say this: right now, you have a real chance, Julie. You weren't touched by him the way Lloyd and I were, I don't think he ever worked any magic on you. You don't have that darkness in you. I do, and I think Lloyd does, too. It's like a...poison, it radiates off of him and seeps in. I know what he is, what he can and would do, and for fuck's sake I still love him. I don't know if I can't at this point.

[It's her turn now to take a breath and try not shake or let out any tears. She hates herself that even still she loves Randall Flagg, misses him still in the long dark of the night. She shouldn't. She knows that she shouldn't, that there's something wrong with her, but it is what it is. And she'd bet everything she owns that he had something to do with that.]

But now, in this world, you have the chance to truly be free and live for yourself. And I don't know, I turned into a wolf. It wasn't for long, I haven't done it again, I haven't tried to do anything else. I'm not going to try to do anything else.

[ It's all she can do to duck her head, hide her face against her knees, arms wrapped tight around her shin. She wants to sob, to scream that Nadine doesn't understand, doesn't understand even a little fucking bit. Nadine got to spend nearly her whole goddamn life knowing that at least she was special, even when those around her didn't see it. That she meant something.

Flagg was the first person to ever tell Julie she was special, and it was a dirty fucking lie. It would have all been worth it, worth the darkness on her soul, if only it was true, but instead, she did it all and died for absolutely nothing.

For the first time since she woke up from the dead, she truly wishes she hadn't.

Much of what Nadine actually says doesn't really register -- Julie's whole frame quivers a little where she sits, draws unsteady breaths in an effort to will herself into stoicism. What does another chance matter? She's still nothing but the dumb fucking hayseed who thought she could be someone important when she's just... nothing at all.

Her voice is muffled into her kneecaps, her chemise. She can feel the tendrils of her magic trying to lash out, strike at nothing, and there's a noticeable strain in her tone while she tries to counter it. ]

I guess at least you can hang out with Geralt's wolf.

[Nadine doesn't know what's going through Julie's head, but she thinks she has a good idea. She approaches the bed, not making any move to touch the younger woman but offering a closer presence.]

If you want to be alone, I can leave you alone. If you want silent company, I can do that too. But I just want to say one thing...you have a lot of people who care about you, Julie. Really care about you. Not because of what you might be able to do for them, but just because you're you.

[That feels like something that might be important to Julie. She's painted a general picture of her childhood and prior life, and it didn't exactly seem filled with people who cared about her.

Nadine understands that, at least.]

[ Julie's shoulders shudder and she doesn't answer Nadine. It really doesn't matter whether she's here or not, not unless she cares a lot about the potential to get rained on or possibly set just a little bit on fire. Like, just a singe to the hem of her skirt, nothing big.

She wants to howl, to wail and bawl, but that's not something she can do here, can't allow her body to actually let go like that. She can dissolve in the Horizon, but she's far too distraught to get there right now, so instead, she just silently weeps into against her legs.

If asked, she wouldn't even be able to pinpoint which part of it all hurts this much. It's all just one big swirl of agony at the moment. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Closed Log

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject