abraxaslogs | {The silhouette against the wall

Never in his life has Kaz shared a moment like this with another. He isn't sure what to make of it, that part of him that is scared of physical touch screaming to draw back and yet his heart is saying anything but. He has a moment to be close to her, to offer comfort and truth all in one and he's willing to take that chance. Even if he feels somehow pale and flushed at the same time.

And already his mind is wondering how stupid he is in saying that. Maybe she wanted that distance, that ability to walk away from the Wraith and, in the end, him. But then she says what she does and he draws a breath that feels too cold for his lungs. Like the bitter air of the North but all because he is as flushed as he is, his heart racing in ways it rarely does. Kaz is a master of himself first and foremost and yet this is untried waters and he isn't sure of his ability to swim in them.

Quiet a moment, considering his words in that moment. He's opened up to her physically in that touch they're sharing, and he knows, if they're to go forward, it isn't the only way he'll have to open up to her.

"That night... It was the most frightened I have ever been since I took the name Kaz Brekker," he admits, his words soft and falling into an odd cadence as he forces them out. They're not easy for him but they're important for him to say. "I never take chances without knowing the odds and being sure the outcome. I've never had that with you, never been certain what my chances were, but you have always been worth the risk. Even when you do things that make me utterly and completely furious with you. Even if you ever chose to walk away from it all. You have always been worth the risk."

They may not be romantic words, but for Kaz Brekker they are heartfelt and honest and admitting more than he would to anyone else and therefore the most romantic of all.

She waits with bated breath for whatever might come next from his mouth. She can’t stop the doubt that forms across her features at that first admission, a curious tweak at edge of her eyes as she studies him and listens to the rest.

Truths so blatant may never have felt as ardent as these. One only need not know Kaz Brekker to not recognize the inherent romance woven into that admission.

That he never knew
Her limits.
His chances.

That he knew it could fail.
She might reject him, or the job, or both.
That walking away is, always was, and would always be: her choice.

And somehow, all sense of logic disappeared. He decided to step off the edge and trust that he wouldn’t fall. Or he would. And either way, he’d have an answer.

Every annoyance, every fear and worry, every aggravation and argument— worth it. She… was worth the treasure of keeping and the heartache of losing her.

How does she even respond to that?

It’s her own step off the edge, a blur of a thought, a decision, and an action in one fluid motion—

She leans up on her toes as her fingers frame his cheeks and she pulls— pulls him down, pulls herself up— and she kisses him. It’s a bottomless well of unspoken words poured into these few, crucial seconds before she slowly starts to ease back onto flat feet, fingertips trailing feather-light down his cheeks until her hands drop back to her sides.

It’s I love you
And it’s Thank you
It’s I choose this.
I choose here.
I choose you.

And it’s silence.
It’s comfort.
It’s you.
It’s you.
It’s always been you.

There are no words to come after a kiss like that, so she lets that tiny, short-lived and risk-stacked action do all the speaking for her.

Edited 2022-10-03 22:33 (UTC)

For so many years, Kaz has made the world believe he takes chances. None of them are more than calculated risks after planning and information gathering. Perhaps he could say the same about this moment with Inej. They've grown closer over the years, becoming more intimate in ways that he allowed.

And she had let him have things his way. She had never taken more than he offered and somehow that had been enough.

But it wasn't even enough for him any longer. He had taken small steps, showing her that she is important to him, that he has feelings for her that he's never hidden but not truly known how to express. Yet then he had offered touches of his bare hands with her. Soft touches and admissions he's never made.

Like in this moment.

Those words are more than he's ever offered another, never wanted to offer to many and only in the last few years and those he's kept close to him. Maybe he should have expected that kiss, but he didn't. Even as she leans up on her toes, moves in closer to him.

The brush of her lips is soft and tender. It's everything he's ever thought about, not let himself daydream about, and something he'd never thought might ever happen. Yet the reality was nothing like the fantasy in his head in the dark hours. It was magical and delicious... and positively shocking in ways he can't control.

His heart races, the world goes grey and stars sparkle along the edge of his vision and then everything goes black as he crumples to the floor at her feet.

It was stupid.
She knew it was stupid even as she did it, and she did it anyway.

"All Saints," she mutters, trying to catch him as he goes down– it's an awkward sort of thing, he's so much taller, and she doesn't so much as stop him from going down as soften the fall a bit once he got there. But that's probably about all she's going to do. She's a bit stuck now with him half-collapsed in her lap.

She knows he'll be mortified when he wakes up, but it's okay- she expected it going in. They'll get there, and she isn't put off by the work it will take to do so. For a moment, she doesn't move at all, just takes in the sight of him, unconscious, untethered to any of the things he carries with him at all times. He doesn't look innocent like she thought he might, just...relaxed in a way he never is when he's awake. She wants to find a way to put that look on him when he is.

Jesper, little help? Kaz's room.

Jesper will find the pair of them in a bit of a heap in the floor. He'll have to help her haul him into the bed.

"Help," she says, not at all in distress, slowly tipping her head back to watch as Jesper slips into the room.

Jesper's down in the basement stacking shelves for Mags when he sees the message and raises an eyebrow. But of course, it's his people so he doesn't hesitate, taking the stairs two at a time to get there quickly. His eyes widen when he sees them both down and rushes, concerned at once.

"Saints! What happened?" She doesn't seem panicked but he is certainly going to panic. Kaz is passed out? On top of her? Jesper reaches down to grab their fearless leader by the arm and hefts him up. It's probably a good thing he is passed out as he wouldn't probably like so much contact as Jesper doesn't really think about it. Since he has no idea what even happened, he just wants to get him off Inej.

Jesper is not so strong that it's easy to drag Kaz's whole body off her, so he can't pick him up bridal style, but he can drag them over to the bed and put Kaz onto it. And again, luckily Kaz is passed out, because Jesper's instinct is to touch his face, patting it. "Kaz? The fuck?"

"It's- okay..." she says slowly, blinking and only barely containing a laugh as Jesper gets to work so quickly and Kaz is out of her lap in a matter of seconds.

She pushes herself to her feet and follows him over to the bed. "He'll be fine-" she says, stepping up next to the pair of them. "I..." she hesitates, unsure of how specific she should- could- be. "really shouldn't have kissed him."

Logic, window, etc.

The last thing Kaz wanted to do in that moment was pass out. It isn't as if he hadn't thought of overcoming his trauma enough to be able to kiss someone. At least her, because he's come to know in the last year or so that there's at least one person he'd actually want to have physical contact with. Maybe if he had prepared. Maybe if he had thought about it more.

Maybe if he hadn't made an utterly and complete fool of himself.

In that moment he comes to there's a split second thought, a panic of not knowing where he is or what had happened.

And then wishing he could forget.

"I'm fine. Stop hovering," he mutters, flopping back onto the bed and covering his eyes with his arm.

Jesper looks at her, shocked, absolutely shocked. And then, after a moment, it's Jesper, so he grins. "Damn, Inej, you can knock a man out with a kiss?" He's the worst, the absolute worst, please don't in any way encourage him. "It's probably worth--- shit."

He jumps when Kaz comes to and moves, having not even noticed that their boss was awake again. He does not want to be caught talking about how Inej's kiss was worth it! Also almost flirting with her! When Kaz is awake!

"S'okay, Kaz, we've all been there." Jesper has kissed someone and promptly passed out. Usually after something more than kissing and/or liquor, but the point is, he's trying to be supportive. He reaches down, intending to try and make it light by patting Kaz on the head, literally thinking nothing more of it. Someone stop him.

She scoffs, something half-amused, half-indignant, "Oh, please, Jesper, it's hardly–"

Their side-conversation in interrupted by quiet mumblings from Kaz. "Oh?" she tilts her head to look over at the other boy, rejoining them in the land of the waking. "Did the knock to your head happen to change your definition of 'fine' to include being unconscious?" To an outside party, it could sound overly harsh of a greeting, but... well. It's just the way of things between them, isn't it? He'd hate to be coddled, so this is what she did.

She notices. She notices but she doesn't stop him. She doesn't stop him because she wants to see how it plays out. So instead of warning Jesper, or grabbing his hand in her own, she just keeps her eyes on Kaz and wait for his reaction.

"And yet now I'm conscious. All fine."

He mutters the words with barely moving his lips. His arm on the other hand moves quickly, his fingers curling around Jesper's wrist.

"Not right this minute," he says, a softer rebuke than he might normally have given even as he shifts to sit up a bit more against the headboard. "I'm not in a position for that right this moment."

Which is carefully dodging the truth of what happened. His fingers though stay curled around the material on Jesper's wrist, almost forcing himself to keep contact as long as there is something between his skin and another.

"Inej, I..." Words, important words here. "I apologize. I hope you understand that was not ... I mean, it isn't as if it was because... because of you."

It's perhaps the most hesitant they've seen him and he keeps reminding himself that's okay. They should hear and see him like this. As human. Shedding some of who he is, even if he's not sure all of it will be gone.

Jesper knows he wouldn't manage to actually touch Kaz's hair, it was a wish but not a likelihood, but he wasn't fully aware of how little he and Kaz actually touch until his wrist is captured. And they aren't touching, not technically, his shirt is in the way, but Kaz is keeping it so Jesper decides to just let him have his wrist. Whatever.

He more or less accidentally stumbled into what was a private situation and one he doesn't fully understand. There's a difference between knowing Kaz likes to put boundaries up between people, and knowing that he physically reacts that poorly to contact. He looks to Inej and then to Kaz, once or twice, frowning.

"Listen, all jokes aside about kisses being good enough to knock someone out, what actually happened? What was it because of?"

She hums, a soft, noncommital sound. A quietly doubtful 'Sure', without ever needing to let a word pass her lips.

Her eyes widen just a fraction at the grip Kaz takes on the sharpshooter's wrist- oh. Interesting. He keeps the grip even when he sits up, and Jesper thinks nothing of it. How could he? Did anyone else really know the truth? She thinks the question on Jesper's lips answers that for her. Not that she found out in anything like a conventional way, nor does she understand the entirety of the issue.

"I apologise."

Only two words, and yet... they are ones she never really anticipated hearing from him, for... anything, really. Especially not...this. It isn't as if any of this was intentional, on purpose somehow. Kaz can do and control plenty of things, but dropping himself unconscious on a whim? That's pushing it, even for Dirtyhands himself, without a Heartrender around the corner.

It's the hesitancy that gets under her skin the most, though. The push-through of something he clearly doesn't want to, or know how to, verbalize the way he could suavely maneuver through a deal. This- no- they, she realizes, matter more than any deal ever could. And that realization is as good as a punch to the gut.

"It's fine," she says softly, fingers twitching in her lap, begging to reach, but knowing better than to bluff a sure loss. "I know it isn't- it's not that."

However, Jepser's question is more pointed than she's sure how to handle, she looks between them for a moment, lingering her gaze on Kaz to let him explain it in whatever way he wanted. Hoping he could read the message in her eyes that she would back whatever he said, however he wanted to frame it. Not that she felt he would, or that they needed to, lie to Jesper, but... truth stands, she doesn't know all the details anyway. She wants to know the answer, too.

It may not be in Kaz's nature to apologize, but he feels that passing out after being kissed by the woman he has more feelings for than any other woman who has ever crossed his path kind of qualifies for those words.

But he hasn't time to dwell there. Still holding Jesper's wrist, he has to make a decision. Does he lose it all or finally open up with the truth.

"Have a seat. Both of you. I won't have this talk with you looming over me like I'm on my death bed," he says, giving Jesper's wrist a squeeze before releasing it so that he can move to sit up. "Not that it's not far off into why I am uncomfortable with such contact. It started with the Queen's Lady plague. It started just after we came to Ketterdam," he admits, tensing just in using that plural description. "We were living on the streets, and as you can imagine, we both became struck down with it. We..."

He pauses then, not glancing between them but staring at the floor.

"We being myself and my older brother, Jordie."

Jesper can tell whatever is going on is very important to Kaz and he's always been careful about keeping much of his thoughts and past a mystery. Jesper's an open book in comparison, and he's always been hungry for details. He noticed Kaz doesn't touch people and always wears his gloves, he's got an eye for those things, but thought maybe it was a physical manifestation of him wanting everyone to be at arm's length. Passing out is different though.

Jesper raises an eyebrow at the squeeze on his wrist so he sits down at the end of the bed, glancing over at Inej and then back to Kaz. He knows about the Queen's Lady plague, everyone who lives in Ketterdam does. It's something Colm brought up when Jesper moved, to watch out and come home if there was a whisper of that sickness again. And then. Jesper freezes. Jordie.

Who’s Jordie?
Someone I trusted. Someone I didn’t want to lose.

His brother. Who he lost, obviously, considering. Jesper's eyes fix on Kaz and his heart beats faster. He reminds him of Jordie? Wow. Kaz had the plague but survived. That was very rare.

"You were what, ten at the time?" It was seven years ago. Insane.

She sinks onto the edge of the bed at Kaz's insistence and listens as he explains. With one hand tucked behind her, she reaches for Jesper's free hand, fingers tangling with his.

We

It's impossible not to take note of it as he says it. Had Kaz ever referred to anyone else when he came to Ketterdam? She doesn't recall him ever mentioning it.

As he continues, a frown creeps across her features until the confusion melts into realization, into understanding, into sympathy. "Oh, Kaz..." she breathes out in a whisper.

"It's okay," she says softly, carefully telegraphing her movements before resting her hand gently on his knee. "take your time..."

He should be more animated, he knows that. Giving them his attention as he spoke but Kaz knows if he looks directly at either of them, he's going to stop. Just stop and not finish explaining. He can't look at them, not as he goes on, because he can't have their faces fresh in his gaze as he talks about what comes next.

So instead he stares at the floor before them, acutely aware of being there between them, of Inej's touch and Jesper's gaze, their words, that question.

"Just shy of ten, yes," he admits. "You needn't have this part of the story to understand but maybe..." If he's going to do this, then they get all of it. At least as much as he can manage to get out. "Maybe you deserve it. And let me finish. I don't know if I'll start ever again if I don't."

He could already feel it in the back of his throat, clawing it's way up from his gut and spreading through his blood like that damned plague. Already he felt pale, clammy, and he was determined to finish what he'd started, but he wasn't sure he could.

"We had come to make our fortune, as does everyone we fleece, and we fell victim just as everyone does. It's why we were on the streets and why we couldn't get out of the city when the plague came. I suppose you both can imagine by who."

They had known there was bad blood there, now they would know just how bad.

"One night... I don't remember much of the before. I remember feel hot and then cold, of my teeth rattling in the night, and the water and the damp. Then there was just darkness. I passed out. When I woke..."

His hands tighten into fists, loosening and then tightening. An exercise in control to keep himself from bolting. His heart racing so hard in his chest that it hurt. Each breath quick, short, and he knows that running would be easier. Getting up and going, shutting down, ending it all.

But then he risks ending so much. With those who matter the most to him. So his fists tighten once more and he goes on.

"We had been rolled onto the ferry to the reaper's barge," he manages though his tones are soft and that rasp is rougher than normal. A rasp that is what remains of his disease and surviving it. "I was alive and sick and surrounded by bodies. Bodies that ..."

Then he shakes his head. He can't finish. Not with the bodies in all manners and stages of death, the rot and pus and blood and all that he had been surrounded with.

"And Jordie was dead," he finally manages, eyes closing, remembering his brother's unseeing eyes and lifeless face. He'd never forget it. "I was weak still, dying and yet not dead, and I knew I had to get back to Ketterdam. If I didn't get off that boat, I wouldn't live. I would... So I did all I could to get away. I... I used Jordie and I floated my way with the tides back to Ketterdam."

He doesn't think about it, hand slightly shaking as he fought for a breath. Lifting his hand and covering the R tattooed on his arm. "Kaz Brekker was born that night I returned back to the Barrel," he admits, almost feeling the R of his family name throbbing under his touch. "The rest, I suppose, is history."

Jesper always knew that the hatred Kaz had for Pekka was very, very deep. He wanted to ruin the man's entire life in a very personal way, and Jesper never questioned why, mostly because he doesn't question Kaz. And he assumed the man deserved it. But he can see it all now. Kaz was a pigeon once, with his brother, and Pekka ran a game on them. Damn.

Jesper reaches out as Kaz talks to put a hand on his shoulder. With Inej touching his knee, they're both trying to show comfort where they can, and not touching skin in the process. This is a horrible story and honestly disgusting, Jesper has a good imagination so he could imagine how awful this was if he wanted to, and he really doesn't want to. To experience that as a child is so fucked up.

"He was your brother. He would've wanted you to survive, whatever it took." Meaning having to use his body was legitimately horrifying, but surely his brother would have wanted that, given the chance. To keep Kaz alive. Survivor's guilt is one hell of a thing, he knows that.

Inej notices- the way he can't keep still as he explains, fingers flexing in uncertainty; how he steadily keeps his gaze on the floor, like if he looks away from some specific spot on the rug beside the bed, he'll lose all his nerve. She doesn't care. It holds no difference whether he looks at her as he explains.

With all the pieces laid out, the picture is perfectly clear now. The war with Rollins, the methodical way he'd brought that man down was more than simply settling a score, it was personal. It was family. Home.

She has questions. Why had they come to Ketterdam in the first place? What of their parents? But she doesn't press for more than he is ready to give, this is more than he's ever shared, it would be cruel to ask of him more than that.

As though the plague wasn't terrible enough all its own, the story keeps going. Gets worse. Inej finds herself blinking tears down her cheek, a hand coming up to swipe them away before settling back on Kaz's leg.

Brekker was never his name. She had never had a reason to doubt it before, it seemed to fit him so perfectly, it was hard to imagine him as anything else. She's curious, of course, but she won't force him to give her something he's not ready for her to hold, so she doesn't ask.

Jesper has the consolations in hand, but Inej chooses practicality. Kaz may need those more at ease with the emotions around him, but he runs on logic, that's what will center him again. "Breathe," she says, her voice soft, but firm. "Slowly." She does a few slow, deep breaths, gives him a measure to focus on.

Edited 2022-10-14 01:03 (UTC)

He's quiet for a long time. Telling the story, he's acutely aware of their touch, bolstering him on either side. He's aware of the heat of their skin, the hushed sound of their breathing, and most importantly, that they're there. Jesper and Inej. Certainly the Dregs are his, but it's not in the same way that these two are his people. His. Above all else, above perhaps even wealth, he would protect them.

And he had protected them from this story as well, though he realizes now that what he feared most, they weren't giving him. Pity. There was none of it between them. Both offering him focus and a way through this without pitying the boy he had been, or the man he had become.

And it is in that he's able to go on. Nodding at Jesper's words, even as he draws those slow, deep breaths. Though he's certain it's more focusing on her breathing than his own that helps him to center himself in this moment and not in the past.

"I know he would have, and I know I have done all I can to avenge his life taken. Not that I wouldn't do more," he admits, but then it's part of his life still. At least before this place. "That night though, it still clings to me. I have endured so much since that night I came back to the docks but I have never been able to shake that. After I nearly broke down from a panic attack, I got my gloves. I learned to be as good with them as without them, and the reputation grew."

And he had reveled in it because it leant him strength.

"I nearly ruined things because of it when we were on our way to the palace. It's a weakness and I deplore it," he says, growling out the words, remembering fainting in that moment. He'll never forget. "But I don't know how to overcome it. I have been..." He looks down at his bare hands. They're steady and look perfectly normal, but to him they're not. "With Inej I've been doing better, for her sake. I've been trying." She deserves and has demanded all of him, after all.

But with this all a new kind of panic was settling into his chest. They knew his shame. They knew his weakness. In telling him this he bares himself to them and it terrifies him even as much as he knows it's the costly bet he has to make. Without it, he will lose and he knows that much. He's bared himself, armor gone, and he knows its worth it.

He just isn't sure if it's enough to win him what he wants. More than that, who he needs.

"So the touching reminds you of what happened, and that freaks you out?" A trauma like that, it makes sense. It's against Kaz's will too, he can see that, it would be frustrating. Jesper understands the feeling of being out of control and how horrible it can be, although it's still always been his choice. So he can't fully understand, but that doesn't mean he lacks compassion or love to replace that.

"We've all got weaknesses, Kaz. You know what mine cost everyone around me. You're not going to find judgment here, you've done your best." And Jesper believes that without question. Kaz of all people would do whatever he could to overcome it, and if he hasn't been able to yet, that means he still has further to go. But they can help him. That's the part he's never been good at. Letting people close, letting them help and care.

Jesper can't speak to what has been going on with Inej and Kaz here, or how Inej feels about what was just said, so he's going to leave that to her to react to.

"Honestly, the both of you," she shakes her head with a soft little scoff. "Am I weak because I am constantly vigilant about exactly how close anyone stands to me? Because I tense if someone touches me unexpectedly?" She glances between the two of them for a moment, lifting her eyebrows as if daring either of them to say she is, or watch one or both of them trip over their words to assure her otherwise. "We all have our issues, but being human is not a weakness." A fact she would be quite fiercely protective of.

"Desensitization," she says, eyes focused on Kaz. Don't think too hard about why she knows, "it helps. We can...get you used to touch in increments. Honestly, it would be good for me, too," a glance is cast back over her shoulder at Jesper, "and I doubt you'll be complaining," she says it with a wide grin.

He nods at that question. "I find myself back in that moment and my mind..."

He's not sure how to describe it but then Inej's comments draw his brow together, giving her a sharp look. "Those things make you safer. They don't risk everything and everyone you hold dear," he points out, not seeing them as the same, not in the least. They're why she is amazingly good at what she does. Unlike his affliction or Jesper's addiction.

"I know the point you're trying to make though. I just can't say it's not a weakness when it literally could have gotten us all killed." Not that they all haven't done things to nearly get them all killed but then he holds himself to a higher standard than he even holds the two of them.

"I want to do that," he says, conviction strong in his tones. "Though it feels like a lot to be asking of the two of you. You shouldn't have me dropping at your feet at every kiss."

"You both are reacting to trauma that's outside of your control. It's not like you do anything on purpose." Jesper shrugs. He on the other hand absolutely does. And one could argue that addiction is difficult to stop as well, but as he's proven, he can do it with enough incentive and with using his Grisha gifts instead of denying them. They're all working on what messes they've been living with.

Jesper would very much like to be doing the kissing that makes him pass out, but at this point he assumes only Inej is the one Kaz is talking about there. Which means he'll have to help out in other ways, which is fine. "That's why it's a build-up, Kaz. Hold hands. Cup faces. Brush fingers through hair. Get used to the little physical gestures of intimacy and then eventually move up. You've just never given yourself a chance to try."

“Just living in The Barrel is enough to get you killed. Our lives were at risk every day, every job. At least this is something you can actually work on gaining control of.” The unpredictability of Ketterdam is another story all together.

She shakes her head, “It’s fine, Kaz… It wasn’t exactly fair of me to give you no warning, anyway.” Even if she only now knows the whole story behind it, it didn’t take a genius to figure out Kaz had issues with personal space and touch if one was around him very long at all.

She nods, “Exactly. Small steps.” she squeezes Jesper’s fingers in hers again. “I didn’t always do this,” she lifts their linked hands. “But Nina, Jesper… they’re good for this.” They were the two people she didn’t mind touches from with any kind of freedom. “You just have to have patience with it.” It’s Kaz’s turn to get a pointed look thrown at him.

He's listening. A huge step in his mind, not being dismissive and ignoring what they're saying to him as if it's nothing. Because it's something and it's important. He's just not sure what it is or where it's going to go.

But its still asking for a lot. They're there, easily holding hands, and he's still feeling pale and clammy from a kiss. It definitely feels like a lot to ask. Especially of two people like Jesper and Inej who hold his highest respect.

"It would seem you are the ones being asked to be patient and I'm not sure I see the gain you would get for it," he admits, speaking as both the business man he is, and the teenage boy he will forever pretend not to be.

As Inej points out, she has others who will gladly give her what she needs, and he's more than seen how Jesper can attract all of the attention he could want.

"I'm not..." He pauses, trying to find the right words. "It's what I want, but I accept if its asking too much and then things don't change. I need you both to know that. I certainly don't expect you to take on my burdens just to keep the friendship we have."

{The silhouette against the wall

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cw anxiety symptoms, talk of death, talk of dead bodies and disease/plague

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