[ open ]

[vixening]

Who: yennefer + others
When: september
Where: castle thorne + the horizon
What: after the events of the nocwich, and the retaliation from all sides, yennefer keeps busy. ota unless specified otherwise.
Warnings: yennefer's bad moods, etc.

Comments

[vixening]

[ it is not an active, recognized thing - but it is something that happens. that rise in temperature, that acknowledgment of the moment, the fact that her anger has risen as it always does - a bubbling over, uncontrollable and unable to be contained. there is hardly a middle ground when it comes to yennefer's reactions - she either has to put forth the effort to keep her anger contained, or she lets it loose, like a volcano blowing its top. and her anger continues, a barrage that has no schedule, no foreseeable end, just to see if she can get something back. perhaps it is why she always brings it back to this, to a mistake he made when he was young and reckless, that had broken one of the few remaining parts of her that someone else had the power to break.

but now - now - she watches as istredd's anger boils up. watches what had, up until this point, been his swallowing of her punches, his silent acceptance of her ire. it is the quickest way for her anger to subside, or to divert somewhere else, to give nothing back, nothing to respond to. but now - now she sees it, now she can taste it in the air. there is fire behind his eyes, and she is no longer the only person smoking, the only one feeling the flames lick at her hands, her feet, catch at the fabric of her dress. it is not satisfaction, exactly, that she feels - but instead the sensation that she is not the only one. istredd turns to her with fire in his eyes, and she does not turn away, does not back down, feeling off his own heat just as much as she creates her own. ]

Everything I got I took for myself - because that's how the world works. If you don't have the power to take it, you will get nothing, and be given nothing. [ but that isn't what he's saying, is it? she moves even closer to him as she continues, her anger palpable. ] And I came back to you, that was my choice. I came all the way to the asshole of Nilfgaard for you and you still turned me away. That- that was yours.

[ because she will not, will not, linger on that question he asked. as if you've never hurt people you cared about by being stupid and short-sighted? no, she won't think about it, won't give it a second's pause. so instead, it's on to her and him, of their history, of the pain she hasn't quite shaken. on the pain that she's terrified she never will. of the monster she felt herself become to make her stand at sodden, and the monster she has yet to become, but will, apparently, no matter how much she wants to fight it.

and now he wants to be angry with her for what- for not telling him? for figuring this out on her own? she lets loose a sharp noise, a kind of laugh at the concept that he thinks she is afraid of anything at all. there's a part of her that nearly turns away from him then, just because he is so far off base that it feels comical, but that is the moment he grabs her arms. when he holds her in place. and it's the touch that lights a whole new layer to her eyes, hissing back to him when she finally replies. ]

I was headed to Cintra. I had made it to Oxenfurt and had secured passage when- [ when I left to save jaskier. she recognizes the words before they leave her mouth, so she cuts them off, refusing to admit it here. to him. because what good would it do? admitting that she had chosen instead to chase down that stupid, foolish bard because he'd gotten himself wrapped up in more trouble than he could handle? and that against all odds, she had been willing to go back for him, to give up her chance to get to cintra to help him, and for what? istredd does not know who jaskier is. does not know who he is, to her, to any of this. so instead yennefer makes a frustrated noise, breaking eye contact for the first time since this all started to shake her head. ] I was captured. That- [ a beat, and she sees the hut. sees voleth mier. sees-

yennefer swallows, feels momentarily stilled, almost calm. ] That's it. I was here once more.

[ she moves, then, because while istredd's hands are on her arms, she reaches forward to grip at the collar of his tunic - holding him still so he can see the sharp edge to her expression when she starts again. ]

The Queen does not know, Istredd. Do you understand what I mean by that? The Queen, the Court, Ambrose… [ and because it is him, this is probably the first time in this conversation that he can sense the hidden layer under the words. how her hands tighten in the fabric of his tunic where she keeps him close, perhaps to keep them from the slightest chance of trembling. the fear, that yennefer has pushed down so far it is easier to explode in anger.

of what would happen if she did, of the void that still waits for her, each time she calls for her chaos. whether or not he has studied the ins and outs of the thornean court, he will have heard the rumors, the stories of great power, great magic, great deeds that the venerable yennefer of vengerberg has accomplished. how the queen had chosen her, not months after she had been released from the prison cells under that very castle, because of the queen's curiosity in the capabilities of the summoned. how ellya thought highly of her own magical abilities, of those of her pet mage grigory, but that she kept yennefer close all the same.

what that could mean for her, now. ]

She doesn't suspect anything, and she can't.

[magicalarchaeologist]

[ Istredd has always been good at passively taking in information, and with her he has made a skill at being soothing or calming instead of inflaming them both. He is the quiet one, the intellectual one, except he doesn't think like an intellectual when it comes to her. This is all fiery painful ugly emotion and he cannot back down, because they've never had it out, not really. She has stabbed at him and he has let it bleed. There's even a shimmer of tears held back in blue eyes, she's so good at making it hurt.]

You thought you wanted me, but you really just wanted a break from the world you'd made for yourself. In a few months, in a year if I was lucky, you would have gotten bored of our terrible liquor and my rocks and left me. Or I would have left my work in order to keep your attention, and you'd still get bored of me.

[ Yennefer wouldn't have fit into his life and he would have been tempted to leave it for her. Run away, start a different life, but then inevitably the fear would set in, that it was always temporary. Istredd sees even now that girl he met so long ago. She was scared then, in the start, and frustrated, but always so brilliant and strong. She shone brightly to him, and there he was, hiding away in his history books and with the ghosts of the elves. He remembers when she didn't know how to want more. But these are his insecurities talking.

Yennefer manages to knock him off course though when she says she was on her way to Cintra. He thought he was so stupid waiting there for her but she almost did. It knocks some of the anger out of him and only leaves behind surprise and confusion. ]

You were coming to Cintra?

[ Istredd wants to believe that. Even if he rejected her, for all the fears he just said, he still had hoped so much. And he only left when he saw a new mystery to unravel, and because he believed she would never show up. If she made it there, if they could have been on the same page again. What would it have meant? If nothing else, he just wanted to protect her. He was ready to walk away with her. ]

You were captured? If I knew ---

[ He would have come for her, but how much help would he really be? Well, he would try, regardless. Just because he never uses his magic to attack, he still has a great deal of it. Istredd is as skilled mage too, he only lets it be passive most of the time.

Yennefer's hands are gripped in his tunic and his eyes are stuck on hers. Istredd heard those tales and he thought them all true, of the Yennefer he knew, of course it was all true. And only now when she says it like that, when she grips him and he can sense fear in her, does he understand. Almost immediately his arms drop from her arms to her waist and he cannot help but pull her closer. Unconsciously offering comfort in a way he hasn't been able to in so long. ]

Yenna. Use me. They don't care about me, I'll seek out the information myself. There must be spells where you can absorb my chaos into yourself and use it, I'll find it and give it to you.

[ He would give some of his magic to her without a second's thought, if it kept her safe. Istredd lifts one hand to cup her cheek, so tender despite all the rolling emotions through him. He was angry she hid it from him, but now he understands. And that she has reason to fear. So all he can do is think of fixes. ]

Until then any time you need magic you can have me do it. I'm a psionics mage, you know I can make it believable. No one will have to know.

[vixening]

[ yennefer does not say anything to that bit of this exchange, if only because istredd is correct, and whether or not yennefer wants to recognize that, she knows. it was half the reason she was so quick to come to the idea that tissaia could have been asking for her help. why she would have rather gone back to aretuza than prove istredd wrong. a part of her knows that if she had really wanted that life, if she'd really wanted a future out in that desert, she would have stayed back. she would have forced herself back into istredd's life, no matter what it was he said.

but vilgafortz had found her in the exact wrong moment, had said exactly what was needed, and now look at her - still without her chaos, still without her self.

she does not lie to him, even if there is a large part of her that starts to wish she had. that feels like she'd given up too much as it is. but even she knows better than to try and deny herself how much it does still feel good to knock istredd off his feet. to see the surprise flit across his expression. and there is just enough of that anger left over for her to yell back to him. ] Yes! And I would have made it, too, if not-

[ but no, that's not right, either. because yennefer had turned back, had given up her passage to cintra, her ticket into the city, and she doesn't regret that decision. does not regret, in any way, what it had meant to go back for jaskier. to follow her gut, no matter what it had cost her in the end.

no matter where it had left her. what decision she made, when backed into that corner.

she huffs, though it's not as much of a laugh as she was going for. ] How were you going to know? It wasn't as though I could send word.

[ his eyes are on her, reading something in her face that she's not sure of just yet. he'd wanted honest from her, had he not? she's tempted just to leave, that vulnerable, suffocating feeling starting to rise higher and higher. but that is when his arms are around her waist, and yennefer hates that part of her that wants to lean into it. that is drawn to the contact alone.

this is easy - for all that they had been, and all that he had done, this had always been easy. use me he says, and yennefer's eyes have to be pulled away from where they'd drifted to his mouth. it's not to say that yennefer hasn't thought of it - this idea of pulling chaos from another source, finding some way to shift the conductor from someone else to her, but to what end? why? ]

I don't want your chaos. [ though the words are a lot more quiet, a lot more desperate, than they are proud. for a brief moment, she feels like she's back there in aretuza again, begging tissaia to help her. for someone to give her anything, for once, because if she had nothing at least she had her chaos.

had, in the past tense.

( and as always, every single time, there is the voleth mier - right in the back of her head, with an impossible decision. )

at the hand to her cheek, yennefer stills - wanting, and at the same time, needing to push him away. when she finally does, which is only a couple of moments after, it isn't hard, isn't a clean break. if anything, she just puts a bit of distance between their bodies, her brow furrowed as she looks back to him. ]

No one will know. [ she says, a bit defiant, before she shakes her head. ] We'll see if it's necessary. Until then, it stays here. [ which isn't a no - if anything, it's as close to a that isn't a bad idea that istredd's going to get in this moment, but there is a high chance he knows that. ]

[magicalarchaeologist]

[ The fact she doesn't argue more with him about that only tells him he's right. And it hurts. Istredd feels that dagger slide into his heart officially but at least he knows. At least they both know. It's better than some blind hope or imaginary perfect life they would have pretended at. They are too old to be naive and too young to be numbed the way their mentors are. Still young enough to emotionally bleed, but old enough to accept harsh truths. He lets out a shuttering breath as he lets go of the idea that they could have made it work in that dig.

The world would have split them apart regardless. Istredd was pulled away from it himself, after the battle where he thought she died, and then they went to Cintra. And everything that came afterward went as it did. Who knows if they would have been able to reunite in Cintra and try again, or if they would just become allies and leave it at that. There are a lot of uncertainties, and instead they're here, and their paths that went opposite have converged once again. It's never going to stop, this bond of theirs, bitter and beautiful though it is.

He is momentarily distracted by their sudden closeness, by the way her eyes dropped to his mouth, and Istredd feels like the room is spinning from the combating emotions in him. He thought about their brief embrace every day on his way to Cintra, and how foolish he was, to be lost in a moment so tiny. And yet he's been close to her again. They danced. He wonders what would happen if he just leaned in, if he let go of his hangups. That desire shows clearly in his eyes.

And then she's putting some small distance between them and his hand drops and he remembers to breathe. It aches too, that every time it feels like there is something there, one of them runs. Yet he can't stop.]

I've never stopped loving you, Yennefer. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

[ Istredd is tired of pretending, not that he ever did it well. He has accepted his fate of being in love with her until his dying day and all that it includes. It's definitely pathetic, but maybe it is good too, being able to still feel that. Maybe she's what keeps him in the world, what actually stops him from cutting and isolating away from everything that exists. He's wise enough to know that nothing is only one thing; love isn't all bad or good. It can be multi-faceted. ]

When I thought you were dead, all I could think about was what I would say and do if I had one more chance to talk to you, and I ----

[ He shakes his head, breathing uneasily, looking away from her. It isn't easy to remember what that grieving was like. An entire piece carved out of his heart. Yet he still tried to believe she was alive, like a fool, but he always is when it comes to her. It doesn't matter now. She's alive. And they're together again.]

I'll do whatever I can to help you. All you have to do is tell me what you need and I'll do it.

[vixening]

[ istredd knows what it means that yennefer doesnot push back, and that in itself is a small blessing. something that yennefer hasn't felt in a very long time - that knowing that she is understood, without having to say it aloud. that there is no reason for her to have to stand her ground, when istredd knows her well enough to simply know. and it is hard, to have to accept the fact that they both know it never would have worked. that she would have quickly and efficiently gotten bored of the life he led there, and that no matter what she told herself, what she wanted out of that life, it would not have been worth an entire lifetime.

but it does still hurt - the way she had laid herself out to him, the way she had swallowed her pride and returned to him, just to have it shut down in her face. part of her wonders where she would be if he had said yes, if she'd never gone to sodden, never used fire magic, never-

no, it's a fool's errand to try and imagine the long list of what ifs. not when there's nothing that will change the decisions they both did make. the things she did do. and whether or not they both hover in that enticing, addicting feeling of want that rushes over them both, she is the one to run this time (but it is not only her. ]

Istredd, don't- [ when he starts speaking again, she tries to stop him, knowing what words will follow. and they do - i never stopped loving you - and yennefer listens as he keeps talking. she watches him, though her expression is hardly one he will want to see. because she does know that about him, doesn't she? that he loved her, even when he had turned her away. that he still loves her, and will.

that had been what yennefer wanted when she'd come to him in the desert, and having that turned back on her had felt horrible. had felt embarrassing. but it hadn't broken her heart, and that had told her more than what she was looking for.

it's not something so simple as saying that she doesn't love him back, because that isn't true, either. even now she's drawn back to those stupidly blue eyes, pulled towards the fact she knows him, knows what this is, and there is a comfort in it that she does not take for granted. but she also doesn't say what he wants to hear in return, and maybe istredd knows that she won't. maybe that is a par of her he already knows.

she is alive. and they are both together again. but nothing feels solved, nothing feels cured, and yennefer still feels adrift, listless, without the electric pulse of her chaos in her. and now istredd knows what that tired, exhausted, hallow look in her eyes means. now he knows why she had run that late into the night. now he knows-

now he is offering to her the one thing she needs, and still she can't take it from him. it would be easy, wouldn't it? to take what it is for herself. that is what the voleth mier had told her she would need to do with the girl, with ciri, and it had been what yennefer had decided she would do. but now that istredd is offering the very same, yennefer can't find it in herself to still be that desperate, that hungry, that lost.

( maybe, in the coming weeks, she will realize what that means for her. what that means about her. but what does it matter? ciri, geralt, jaskier- they all know what she apparently does. they all know who she will become.

does istredd? would it change anything he's telling her if he did? )

after a moment, she shakes her head, letting her hands drift down to his forearms, where she squeezes. ]

Right now, I need you to never mention this to anyone. Not within the castle, not in the Horizon, not to Summoned and especially not to a Thornean. We- [ we. gods, she is accepting his help. that is what this is. he is offering her aid and she is taking it. ] We will figure out the rest later.

can wrap here or you can do an end tagger :D

[magicalarchaeologist]

Just let it be said and we can let it be.

[ Not that he is saying he will stop loving her simply because he wants to 'let it be.' She wants to stop him because of a million reasons, but Istredd thinks getting it out into the air will stop this tension. The constant fear of his about this stupid secret he tried to keep, when there really is no need. He loves her. He's always loved her. Nothing changes by speaking it outside of the fact neither of them have to lie to themselves about the truth. There is freedom in accepting what can't be changed and living with it.

He does not expect her to return the words, of course not. That isn't her. And he does know her so intimately well. They were each other's first friends and longest friends, what they shared cannot be duplicated. No one will ever be to them what they are to each other. It is that easy. Istredd always knew she would outgrow him. Their relationship had an expiration date. But maybe not forever. There would always be a possibility, as long as they both drew breath.

Some relationships simply are the way they are, eternally. And he is fine with that. Being loved is more complicated than loving. The latter feels natural, if painful.

She is lost and alone and powerless, although not entirely, there is always the magic here. But it cannot be enough compared to what they have, the chaos she used. Istredd can at least offer her an ally. A person she can count on. Someone who expects nothing out of her, except perhaps influence occasionally, in ways she probably will never mind.

Her fingers on his arms feel so solid and he soaks in the attention, brief though it may be. He moves his hands up to take hers, a point of contact, of joined support. ]

I won't fail you in this, not again. We will find a way, Yenna. I don't have much faith in anything.[ A wry smile. ] But in us, when we actually work together? I do.