abraxaslogs | There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

It's been a road back to recovery for Jesper and he has managed not to gamble again since the herald's influence dropped off him. It hasn't stopped the hunger though. It may not be as insatiable or aggressive, but it is something that always gets to him, at the back of his mind. He has made new routes to make it so he never passes by the gambling dens and has been selling his wares again in a different area. It will be awhile before he can build up his money again.

Jesper comes home earlier these days too, to avoid temptations, spending most evenings right there in the inn rather than out and about. He is currently alone in his room making more trinkets for the next day of sales. He makes them easily and sells them cheaply, but it all adds up really well to a nice solid business plan. Inej is out somewhere and he has a little desk set up for these, a lot of random metals and jewels strung out on it.

"Come in," he says at the door knock. It's a little funny, since most people he knows never bothers to knock, so he does glance up out of curiosity.

Edited 2022-11-19 22:19 (UTC)

A familiar redhead peeks around the edge of the door as Sylvain peers around searching for the source of the voice. Spotting Jesper at the desk, he offers him a crooked grin as he steps inside and leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over a broad chest.

“Hey. Am I interrupting?”

He’s not sure what he’s interrupting, exactly, but Jesper seems occupied with something tinkery.

Jesper's grin is automatic and he turns his chair around to face Sylvain, reaching out his hands and scrunching them toward him as an obvious 'come here' gseture.

"An always welcome one, darling, but lock the door behind you."

It's not as if they are going to immediately do anything but it seems wise to do it now, before that ends up happening. That's the thing with new lovers, it's an easy as a particular smile and raise of an eyebrow. He also doesn't want Inej to walk in on them, and she's well aware what a locked door means for him. He would put a more obvious sign on the door but he doesn't want Kaz to notice.

Sylvain just starts laughing when Jesper does literal grabby hands at him, but he obediently kicks the door shut behind him and flicks the lock before crossing over to where Jesper’s seated. If this had been anyone else, he would have hesitated, but it’s Jesper, so he doesn’t bother and just settles down to straddle his lap and drape his arms around the man’s shoulders as he grins at him.

“Well, then I guess I won’t feel too guilty about it, then.” He glances over at the bits and pieces scattered about on the other man’s desk. “What are you working on?”

Jesper immediately wraps an arm around him when he settles onto his lap and runs his other hand through Sylvain's hair. He never hesitates from affection with his lovers, although Sylvain might have noticed some subtle ways that he does in the inn. It's not blatantly obvious, but if he sees Kaz he puts extra inches between them. It's a complicated story, so he hasn't gotten to it yet, but otherwise, he is happy to hold hands or kiss in public.

"Making more things to sell. I have quite a lot of money to get back." He is someone who can use many different types of metal or scraps of things and turn them into something beautiful and unique due to his abilities. He can buy scraps of things and thrown out extra material and voila, use it to perfection.

"How are you today, darling?"

He’s noticed, but he’d taken it relatively in stride. He’d noticed it was mostly around those he was pretty sure were from Jesper’s world, which made him curious, but this was still new, so he was trying not to read too much into it. Besides. He was far more used to being a social conquest or a bragging piece (not that that had been hard, back home, he hadn’t exactly been choosy in who he spent his time with for the most part.) He was still figuring how to act when the person he was with was actually interested in him and not what they could get out of the arrangement.

He hums and glances over Jesper’s creations with curiosity, he hadn’t been aware he could do things like this and he’s fascinated but that question gets a somewhat frustrated huff as he exhales. And then drops his forehead to rest against Jesper’s shoulder.

“Mmmm. It’s quiet here today. Figured I’d come see what you were up to.”

And it seemed a convenient and pleasant place to hide for a while.

While he and Kaz have come to an agreement about their feelings for one another, he hasn't exactly had the talk about Jesper's lovers, although it's clear he has them. So there is just a big question mark about what is proper in this case, especially since it may be some time before their situation yields any results. Other than that, he is more than happy to give Sylvain all the attention he apparently didn't get in the past.

Jesper's abilities are varied and impressive although he hasn't explained them to everyone. They were too busy having sex for him to explain how he melted his clothes off the last time. He looks quizzical at that frustrated huff and pets his hair comfortingly when he rests his head on Jesper's shoulder.

"You can always come here."

He turns his head to kiss Sylvain's cheek sweetly.

"Are you sure there's nothing on your mind?" Sylvain will find that Jesper's skill at reading people is as perfect a shot as his gun. But he lets them back out of it if they want.

There’s too much on his mind, if he’s honest. Recovering from this most recent chaos with the old gods hasn’t been so easy to shake off. He’s been faking it convincingly enough for everyone until today, and would no doubt continue to do so outside this room.

But this afternoon was too quiet, which meant there hadn’t been nearly enough to distract him from his own spiraling thoughts. But he’s not sure here to even start on the complicated mess that he’d left behind him, and worse, what might be laying in wait.

“Too much.” He can’t bring himself to lie to Jesper anyway, lifting one shoulder in a shrug, even as he turns his head to trail kisses against Jesper’s throat. “And I ran out of distractions to get myself out of my own head. Besides. It felt too early to get drunk already.”

"I know a bit about that." Too much being on the mind. It is why he is lucky he crafts so much, that his livelihood requires him to be distracted and focus on projects for a while. It's helped him not think day and night about his own issues.

He tilts his head for open access to Sylvain's mouth and trails his hand up underneath his shirt to his bare back.

"I'm not much of a day drinker myself."

That is something Sylvain might have noticed. He does have a drink or two when he's out, he might even get tipsy, but his high energy usually burns off alcohol pretty quickly, and Jesper doesn't get drunk. Too vigilant from his days in the Crows.

"If you're here for a distraction, sweetheart, you know I'll give it to you."

Sylvain gives a soft chuckle at that, leaning into that touch and shooting Jesper a crooked grin. "I think we've already developed that you're excellent at being distracting." It's part of why he'd felt comfortable coming here. He knew that Jesper wouldn't judge the cause.

He'd find it odd, how quickly he'd found things so comfortable with the other man. But honestly, he's too grateful for it to really care that much.

He reaches up to trail his fingers through Jesper's hair, already feeling a little more relaxed after just a few moments here. "You don't need to stop what you're doing, though. I really didn't mean to interrupt you if you were doing something else. This... just seemed to be a good place to hide for a few hours."

"The best at it, as a matter of fact."

Jesper flashes him a cocky smile and glances back to what he was working on.

"I had a lot of money I'd saved over the months, but unfortunately it took a hit recently. As in pretty much all of it. So I've been rebuilding."

Sylvain knows exactly why. Despite distracting him and doing a great job of it, no one could actually keep Jesper from his addictions for long. Kaz managed to eventually trap him in the inn long enough for it to wear off, but damage had already been done by that point. Jesper's just glad he didn't end up stealing from anyone else.

Jesper reaches over to where he had put out a few random jewels and what looked like ripped apart pieces of silver and gold. As if someone broke a bracelet and decided to toss it rather than get it fixed. Under his fingers though the pieces turn into liquid and then seem to run together, curling around each other until he makes them solid again. Now the gold and silver are wrapped up together into a single band, as if they'd always been designed that way, and look brand new on top of it.

"Don't think I missed the word hide, sweetheart."

Sylvain watches him with a wide-eyed fascination as the metal melts down and then reforms into something new. He's assuming this is similar to what Jesper did when he stripped him the other night, but seeing it applied this way...

"That's beautiful, Jesper. I had no idea you could do things like that. Is that magic you've always known? Or something you learned here?"

He doesn't comment on Jesper's loss of money. Yes, he can quite easily guess what happened there, considering where he'd found him that night. But he leans in and trails a path of kisses along Jesper's jaw instead, not wanting his thoughts to dwell on that or get stuck there. He knows how dark a place that could be to get stuck, for anyone.

Although Jesper unfortunately calls him out on his own part and he huffs out a soft sigh and drops his forehead to rest against Jesper's shoulder instead, slumping there for a moment as he tries to figure out how to say what's troubling him.

"Let's just say I accidentally coaxed out more secrets than I really wanted to know, this past week." His voice is soft and a little haunted as he confesses that, sorrow lingering in the words.

"I was born with it, but I didn't really use it until I came here."

Apparently having sex a lot of times is good enough to unlock a traumatic backstory, although that plus the kisses do a lot for it. And complimenting his skill, obviously.

"Being a Grisha, what I am, is very dangerous back home. You can get kidnapped and forced into an army, murdered, or kidnapped in another way and used for your skills. So you learn to hide."

Free from the danger of his world, Jesper was able to embrace his abilities so that he uses them without fear, at least with his friends. It's still very important that no one else knows, but he doesn't think for a moment that Sylvain's the type to go spouting all his details. Claude does know part of this too, part of their 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' talk. And he's seen how powerful Jesper can be when he puts his mind to it.

He's obviously far more focused on his redhaired lover though so he reaches up to run his fingers soothingly through his hair.

"Ignorance is really bliss, isn't it?" He turns his head toward Sylvain's bowed one and kisses the top of it. "Are you sure they were true though? A lot of lying was going on."

Sylvain just gives a dry little laugh at that, still resting his forehead against Jesper’s shoulder, relishing that touch. The easy affection.

“I guess there’s no way to really know. And just because it was true for Claude might not mean it would have been true for me - there are other things that don’t add up in our memories, discrepancies we can’t explain. But… I know him. He wouldn't have tried to keep this hidden so well if it weren’t the truth.” And he’d been able to tell the words were ones Claude would have rather left buried.

It’s all caught up in everything from back home, though. Something Jesper’s quiet admission reminds him of all too well, even if it’s in stark contrast. In some aspects, at least. Sylvain had never had the opportunity to hide what he was.

“People who can use magic back home… they can do so because they were born with a Crest. Certain bloodlines carry them and you can never predict if a child will be born with one or not. But all the powerful houses, they try for it endlessly. It’s the only thing that matters to them, especially the noble houses. And while those born with a Crest are afforded so many opportunities just for being what we are… we never actually have true freedom to make our own choices or decide our own fate. It’s decided for us the moment we’re discovered to have a Crest.”

"Not all timelines are the same. There was a girl here who was from my world but not, a version of someone but not the same. She knew me, but I had never met her. So the weird way worlds work here, it could be different."

So Sylvain could be fine in his timeline and not in Claude's, but they don't exactly know, so there's still good reason to be uncertain and have feelings about this. Meeting Alina was something of a mind fuck because she definitely knew him, Inej, and Kaz, but she looked nothing like the Alina of legend and she was very alive, whereas she was very dead in his world (or so he thought). A very strange situation.

Jesper rubs a hand along Sylvain's back as he talks. Some of this he heard from Claude, but not all of it exactly.

"Grisha who are found for the Ravka army get to live with relative safety and training there ... but they're obviously not free. They can't leave the army and everyone wants them dead, even the people they protect."

That was Jesper's fate if his father had let him go be trained. It's a double-edged sword, the situation they were in. Holding him back and hiding his gifts led to some messed up issues, but even finding belonging and power with them would make him a caged bird. There was no good answer back there. It seems like no matter what world, the 'special' are actually miserable in their own unique ways.

"I keep waiting for the army here to try and do the same to me, to us."

That confession has Sylvain's head coming up, his gaze narrowed as he contemplates that. "Have they showed evidence of considering that? Or is it more your fear from home lingering?" Because if the army here was contemplating moves like that, they all had to be careful. But even more...

He reaches out, cupping a hand against Jesper's cheek as he presses a chaste kiss to his jaw. "You know none of us would stand idly by if they tried to take you, right? Not just speaking for myself here, but you have many friends who think highly of you. Who would fight to keep you free and safe. And beyond that, if they start coming for Summoned in such a way, none of us would be safe for long. I can't see any of the others standing for such a thing, even if they're not friends."

That was a far more 'captive' fate than Sylvain was willing to let anyone bear, let alone someone he thought so highly of.

"Magic's not quite treated the same, back in my world. It's envied. Elevated. Those who don't have it want it, though. The power and status of it, not understanding it's as good a collar wrapped around our throats. Or we're resented for what we've been 'given'. Never mind that none of us ever asked for it and I think many of us wouldn't have, if given the choice." He pauses, glancing down for a moment as his gaze turns distant, thoughtful.

"I'm the second-born son of my house." That he knows of, anyway. He wouldn't have put it past his father to try elsewhere in his many attempts to beget a Crest heir. "My elder brother - Miklan - he was meant to be the heir. But he was born without a Crest. So my birth displaced him. Took away everything he felt was his birthright. He's hated me all my life for that. Resented it so heatedly that he wanted me dead. Tried a few times, too. He was disowned, lost everything - his name, his wealth, his family. All because of a simple misfortunate chance of birth."

"I ruined his life with my first breath. And yet, had I the chance, I would have passed it all to him, if I could. I didn't want it. I would do my duty, because my house relied upon my existence, but all my Crest meant for me was a life I didn't really want, no real say in who would be chosen to carry on my bloodline for our house, and all the responsibility and expectations that came along with it." He pauses, giving a quiet, humorless laugh as he shrugs. "I resented being born with a Crest just as fiercely as he resented me for it in turn. I can't help but wonder, how it might have been different if it had been the other way around?"

Although if Miklan had fulfilled his father's need for a Crest-bearing heir, Sylvain might never have existed at all, so that was probably a moot point anyway.

Jesper wouldn't say they've given him reason to be afraid about that, not really, they haven't tried to force any of the Summoned into the army. But now the war has started and they could easily start making compromises. Or applying pressure in the right ways to the right people. It's not that he doubts people would try to fight for him, it's that he doesn't think it would matter.

He told Kaz that when he protested that he'd never let Jesper be taken, but the Crows couldn't fight off everyone for him. Nor would he want them to. Some powers are greater than individuals. Jesper cups his cheek too and tries to smile for him. "I know, love." He knows they would try. The military doesn't know what he's capable of yet, anyway. Not like back home, when Grisha abilities were known and coveted.

He listens as Sylvain explains more about his world and the magic that sounds more like a curse. Jesper can tell this is a hard subject for him and comforting others is much easier for him than accepting comfort. He runs his fingers through his hair, his other hand rubbing his back. It sounds familiar, and he knows it's the story for many Grisha too.

"You are not responsible for the failures of your society, darling. Nor what happened to your brother." Honestly, as soon as he tried to kill him the first time, that's really when the brotherly love should have been over. Jesper never had siblings, but he had a family that he chose. He thinks he loves them more than one that might only share blood, because it was a choice.

Jesper pulls him down for a kiss, an arm curled around his back, holding him close. He follows it up with a sweet kiss to the forehead. "I'm glad you are the way you are. Otherwise we wouldn't have met."

He'll take the effort Jesper makes to smile for what it is, but makes note of how much this worries him. Understandable, with what he'd mentioned of the fear of his magic back home. What could have been his fate. Something he's going to mention to Claude, if only in the vaguest sense. If this is something they should be watching from the army here, he'd rather be forewarned so they can prepare.

And while he's not one that easily accepts comfort either - maybe he's just really out of practice at it - he lets Jesper pull him down, returns that kiss as he curls up against him. Relishes the touch and contact, with genuine empathy behind it. Lets his own hands wander as his lips trail kisses along Jesper's throat.

He laughs softly, even if the sound wobbles a bit, uncertain. "I'm not even sure who I am here, if I'm honest. I've spent my whole life being defined by my Crest as the only worthwhile thing about me anyone cared about... that it's like I have to start all over again now that no one even knows what it is." Which was... nice, actually. He certainly wasn't complaining about that. But it brings him right back to the problem he may have fled here to hide from.

"I know there are people here who want to go back home and are doing everything they can to find out how. But... I'm not sure I'm one of them anymore. Which makes me feel guilty that I'm shirking the responsibilities I'm supposed to be shouldering, but..." He pauses and straightens up, fingers stroking along Jesper's shoulder and down over his chest in an absent fidget once more.

"They summoned me off the edges of a battlefield, the morning they pulled me here. A battle I didn't want to fight, because it was our three kingdoms clashing against one another. The army was made up with friends I'd grown up with, gone to classes with, trained and studied and feasted with. Claude would have been on that field. Petra, too. I've never felt a sense of dread like that day, knowing I would have to ride onto that field and potentially come face to face with a friend and have no choice but to engage them. I've never been so relieved to be yanked out of a pool of water in my life. Even if they did bring me to a place that seemed determined to repeat that same damn conflict."

He heaves out a soft sigh, shaking his head. "The secret Claude didn't want to tell me... I'm pretty sure I didn't walk off that battlefield in his time. From what he's said of what Petra's relayed to him, I suspect she remembers the same. And not just me. For the war to end as it did, I'm not sure any of my companions made it through that day, or if they did..." He trails off, then casts Jesper a faint quirk of his lips that held no humor at all.

"So I'm stuck between guilt and relief. And then feeling guilty about feeling relieved. Which is why I came here to hide. And I've thoroughly distracted you from your work after all, even when I really didn't intend that."

"I don't know, it sounds nice for you, actually. To start all over without the pressure of the Crest over your head. Now you can find out who you are without any of that."

Trust Jesper to turn that around on itself in a positive way. He manages to be both jaded and optimistic sometimes. He had a suspicion that Sylvain was told something along those lines, and it makes him think of Matthias. A second chance at life was given to him here, but he lost it. Still a tragedy. He drops his hands down to Sylvain's back and then beneath his thighs, and he simply lifts him.

He isn't as bulky as Sylvain is but he can absolutely carry him the few feet it takes to lay him down on his bed. Jesper follows him and settles on his side next to him, thinking this is far more comfortable if they're going to be talking about something so serious. They might as well be cuddling if Sylvain's going to be feeling like shit about all of this.

"A friend of mine is dead back home, but he was here. I didn't get to see him before he disappeared. We weren't very close, but he was one of us." And to Jesper, one of us means the Crows, family, the most important people. "I'd want him to come back and stay here, to have a better and longer life. The people who love you should want the same for you."

He makes a startled sound when Jesper lifts him, keeping from squirming until he’s got the bed under him. And then he just turns to wrap around the other man, curling up against him.

“It is nice. If you ignore all the rest of it. It’s something I thought I’d never be able to find, not with how our world worked. But it’s sort of terrifying at the same time.”

As much as he’d hated that his Crest was the only thing that defined him back home… it also meant there was nothing he could do to fuck that up, ultimately. That wouldn’t be the case here.

His own hand strokes along Jesper’s back, echoing his touch, although he tips he head back enough when he explains about his friend, a glint of sorrow in his dark gaze.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to see him while he was here. And that he didn’t have more time with you and your friends.” It almost made it worse, in some ways, didn’t it? Jesper and his friends had lost him twice over.

"Endless unknown opportunity can be scary, yes. But you don't need to have it all figured out today. Give yourself time to process everything."

Jesper is an empathic person which means he has glowing moments of true wisdom when it comes to feelings, outside of the times he's being ridiculous or laughing instead of thinking. But he props himself up on an elbow to look at Sylvain, shrugging when he talks about Matthias. Maybe not the most emotionally mature thing to do there, but it's more that he is considering what to say before continuing.

"I didn't think that people could change, not to the extent he did. He was brainwashed from childhood, an enemy to my kind, they're the ones who hunt and kill us. And he did that to a friend of mine, Nina, or he was supposed to. But he fell in love with her instead."

One of those actual love conquers all stories that usually seem like they're just in books and tales, but he saw it with his own eyes. It's still a little surreal, but he is glad Nina isn't here. That she didn't have to lose him all over again.

"It wasn't just that he loved her so he tolerated everything else, he really did change his mind and saw how he'd been wrong. He fought to do something about it. And then he died, killed by his own people for it."

“Well, it’s not like I plan on going anywhere at present.” He quips the words, trying to get back to that comfortable level of lighthearted humor. He stretches out on his back beside Jesper, head tipped up so he can watch his face from how he’s propped up over him. This… it’s comfortable, too. If in a different way.

He listens as Jesper explains and can’t help but think this is the sort of tale Ingrid would have loved to hear. Ashe, too, he’d wager. It does sound like one of the epic tales of love that ends up remembered through time. Hated enemies who fell in love instead.

Even if they hadn’t gotten a happy ending. Not as they should have. Real life rarely ended the same way the stories did. “Is she here? Your friend, Nina?” His voice is soft as he asks it, chewing on his lower lip.

"Good, I don't like people rushing to get out of my bed, only into it." Jesper quips back, smiling at him. He can go back and forth between serious and not-serious easily, although joking around is his comfort zone. But he's glad that Sylvain thought to talk to him about these things. He is an even better friend than he is a lover.

"No, and I'm glad she isn't. Losing him again or knowing she missed him would break her. She was really messed up, he died in her arms."

Jesper remembers it vividly. He's always loved Nina deeply, someone very like him in many ways. They loved to tease and flirt and were always on the same page. Seeing her devastated beyond sanity was difficult, although it didn't stop him from jumping into his own romance. Loss was possible, but love also seemed worth it.

"It's just me, Inej, and Kaz here. Although I shouldn't say just anything, it's really always been us." The three of them were a unit before the other Crows joined them. They are the core of the group. Kaz is who Jesper's been a little odd around lately.

That just makes Sylvain laugh as he reaches up to playfully tug at Jesper’s collar, then leans up to steal a kiss again. “Oh, trust me, that won’t be a problem.”

He can flit back and forth fairly seamlessly as well. It feels odd, though, when it’s all genuine. There’s not many Sylvain has let see him as he is so quickly. But Jesper had struck him as different from the moment he’d first spotted him in Nocwich. He’d never felt the need for the mask he so often wore when interacting with most people around him. Maybe because he’d sensed Jesper would probably see right through him anyway. He seemed perceptive like that.

He winces at the mention of his friend dying in her arms and for a moment, he’s struck by the pain of even imagining that. “Ouch. In that case, I think I’m glad she wasn’t here either. Even though I suspect, if she loved him that deeply, that she might have traded a great deal for even a short time longer with him. But to have missed him entirely…” He grimaces.

This place could be unknowingly cruel in this way, he supposed.

“I don’t think I know who Inej is,” he hums thoughtfully, thinking over the faces he’s seen and trying to recall if that sounds familiar. “Kaz, though. I think I’ve seen him a time or two down in the tavern, haven’t I?” Jesper’s mentioned him before, too. And Sylvain may have been watching their interactions so far with a mixture of curiosity and confusion. He’s still trying to figure out what’s going on there without stepping on anyone’s toes.

Jesper laughs with him and lets him be tugged in for a kiss. He lets it linger too, happy to drown Sylvain in intimacy as well as friendship. He can tell he was lacking in that. He's very perceptive when it comes to people and he likes that Sylvain feels safe and comfortable in here with him.

"You've seen her probably downstairs, she works the bar too, she's tiny, long black hair, brown skin, incredibly graceful. She's good at not attracting attention but she's also hard to miss. She lives in this room with me, so."

He nods to the other bed in the room, which could easily be mistaken as no one being there as it's neatly made and Inej keeps most of her knives on her at all times. Sylvain's probably walked by her a hundred times without knowing it. Inej is quiet and does her own thing, and she's been going down Wraith paths these days. He's not surprised that Sylvain might not have met her yet though. She's the shadow to Jesper's bright sun, as Kaz himself has mentioned. The sun and the moon.

"Kaz ...."

Jesper actually flushes, glancing away. He knows he's not subtle enough to pass off his stiffness when he sees Kaz or that it's the only time he is not as smooth as usual. It's just difficult to explain.

"He's the boss of our gang, I'm his second-in-command. And his best friend. And ... more recently maybe something else, but not exactly. There are layers and none of them are easy. He's also mad at me right now."

For Sylvain

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