abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] tooth and nail, tooth and nail

She was very reasonably priced, thank you. This is Dumpling. She was trained for children but ended up too big.

[But perfectly Nadine-sized. Julie had been very satisfied with the price, though, so she assumes they paid something very reasonable.

She also doesn't blame Geralt for not exactly being the most social with her lately. Obviously they see one another around the inn, he's there often enough. And they run in the same circles. But they haven't spent much personal time together since...well, since many of them hadn't been exactly themselves.

It's understandable. She doesn't have many regrets about things she'd done during that time, but that afternoon in the desert with Geralt...she isn't proud of it.]

[ Dumpling. His lips quirk. She does look like one—a bit round and squat. He reaches down to pat the horse's neck, already fond of the animal.

When he urges Roach along, it's at a slow trot for Dumpling to keep up. He's silent for a time, enjoying the cooler mornings now that it isn't in the midst of a scorching summer. ]

Things have gone back to normal for you?

[ Seems it has for everyone, but. He knows things linger, too. There's a lot he has not quite put behind him as much as he wants to. ]

Yeah...yeah, they have.

[Nadine doesn't need to ask for clarification. They'd all fallen under some manner of spell, be it the one that claimed her or something else.

She also doesn't need to ask why Geralt is bringing it up. There's no sense that he's angry with her in any way, and he isn't exactly the sort to hide that. But still. She knows what she'd done, even if it hadn't been intentional. Or anything she'd understood at the time.]

About that...I'm sorry about what happened. The other month. I really didn't know what I was doing. What I could do. It's not something I'd ever do on purpose, in my right mind.

[Not after having had it done to her.]

[ For a minute, he's quiet. He isn't angry, no—not even upset. Truth be told, he's been distant in large part because he's been trying to untangle what did happen. It's too simple to say that Nadine made him do anything. ]

I've had my mind taken over before. It isn't the same. [ Not for him, at least. ] When you called for me—I didn't kill them because you told me to. I did it because...I felt you needed me to protect you.

[ Felt it so strongly he didn't think twice about what had to be done. Does he regret it? Not exactly. If they'd been better armed, chances are he'd have cut them down, too. But perhaps there is something to be said about how his fiercest instinct to protect and his instinct to kill are so closely intertwined.

He supposes he's always known that about himself.

In any case— ]

You didn't bring out anything that wasn't already there.

No, but...I didn't help the situation. And I wanted to clear the air on it, you know?

[Nadine probably ought to feel more badly that people were dead because of it, but...they'd been the ones who'd tried to rob the pair of them in the first place. It wasn't unprovoked.

And she knows what Geralt is telling her. He is no stranger to killing, be it creature or person. Still. The context was bothersome to her.]

And that was pretty much just what I needed in the moment, I guess. To be protected. I wasn't armed, I don't have the sort of magic that's useful for defense, I was outnumbered. I'm not upset about what happened, exactly, I just...don't like that I used magic on you. Without either of us knowing it.

[That isn't who she is. Not now. There was a time, not that very long ago, where she'd wanted magic like that. To control and influence and have power over others. But she thinks maybe that was Flagg's influence, whatever it was he'd done in her mind. That or she'd just made up her mind that to be with him would require her to change, to be more like he was.

But those days are gone.]

[ He gets it. Neither of them had had a choice, and it was—one of those experiences he'd rather not repeat. As much as the incident itself doesn't sit right with him, it bothers him more to have this. Disturbance. Between them. ]

I know. [ Perhaps what makes it difficult is there isn't anyone to blame. Other than, what. The so-named old gods? The Singularity? Forces unknown? He's a little tired of being jerked around like fucking puppets. ] That sort of magic usually doesn't affect me.

[ He isn't sure if he should acknowledge that he suspects at least one of the reason it did is that it was Nadine. That he knows her and trusts her, that she's someone he'd have killed for without hesitation. Outside of Nadine, those influences had been minimal for him in the real world. Only in the Horizon had it gripped him fully.

Nothing will change to say it, though. So he doesn't. ]

I am glad you're safe. [ There are worse outcomes to have befallen them. His only other concern has been the bodies—but that's a hitch for the future. He's banking on monsters devouring the corpses being good enough for Cadens to turn a blind eye.

Either way, Nadine hadn't lifted a finger. Technically. His problem to shoulder if anything, which makes it simpler. ]

Thanks. I know I got off pretty easy, compared to a lot of us. I didn't do anything other than that that I regret. It turns out a lot of my impulses are pretty benign.

[For the most part. Maybe if Nadine had found herself in different circumstances, if she'd been in danger more than the once...

But she hadn't been. And so her own experiences had been ones that left no damage, other than to her wallet and an outfit or two.]

But I'm glad we were able to talk about it. And we can be pretty sure it's not going to happen again. That...that isn't the kind of magic I want to have. Or use, if I did have it.

[Which she knows is a possibility. She still has no idea what Flagg may have awoken in her, when he shared that sliver of his power with her. A part of her hopes it went when he did, but she's relatively certain it doesn't work that way.]

[ Impulses? He considers. The truth is, he's not had much of a chance to talk to anyone about what happened. He knows in broad terms of the so-called gods, the omens that swept the land, but it'd been personal. Each incident. Talking about it meant opening up over his own experience, and he'd wanted to do nothing of the sort.

But he does recall Jaskier saying something about...temptations. He remembers making a confession he would not have any other time. ]

We'll have to hope so. [ He doesn't mean her. In general. None of them escaped unscathed, it seems. ] I had a—different experience. But only in the Horizon.

[ He isn't sure how to phrase it. Felt excessive emotions sounds fucking absurd, but that's essentially what happened. ]

Oh yeah? I...avoided the Horizon, once I knew something was going wrong. I heard about some pretty awful experiences though. Beyond Julie's.

[There'd been no temptation or impulse there, at least.]

Most of what I went through was in the real world. It was like...every impulse, every little 'I kind of want that...' feeling was really strong. I bought all kinds of things I didn't need and kept saying the things you usually only say in your head...

[Luckily little of it had caused any damage, dismissed as stress and nerves making themselves known. Even her uncharitable thoughts, on the whole, weren't that bad. At least the ones that had passed through her mind while afflicted.]

And...it also manifested in encouraging other people to give in to temptations.

[ His intention had been to avoid the Horizon, until Julie's disappearance. He's glad she's safe, but that they don't truly know what happened to her bothers him. He had not rescue her from anything or anyone. And it unsettles him, how little they understand of the Horizon and the Singularity. ]

Jaskier was similar. When I spoke to him briefly.

[ How much of this even has to do with the Singularity? He glances over (down) at Nadine as her pony plods along. He knows better than to ignore dreams and omens, no matter how absurd, but it's hard to know what to even make of all this. What now, after the these figures have retreated? Will they return? Have they been fed? ]

In your Horizon, afterwards—have you found something strange? Like a... [ He searches for a fitting word. ] Fucked up keepsake.

Yeah, looking back, that makes a lot of sense. I think we were amplifying each other's curse, it got...uh...intense when we were around each other.

[But ultimately still benign. Weird and intense, but benign. And at least they'd had fun.

Still. Looking back, Nadine can see how it was stronger. Not a hint of resistance, no questioning impulse and want. It hadn't been that way with Geralt or Dean or anyone else she'd exerted some kind of influence over.]

And....yeah. Yeah, I did. And it won't go away.

[ Intense, hm? Geralt does not ask, but he imagines he can guess. Nadine doesn't sound bothered by it, though, so he assumes whatever occurred, it was not something either of them regretted. ]

I'm not sure what it means. [ Can't be good, though. He regards her thoughtfully. ] I know you might want to hide it away. But try to keep an eye on it.

[ Better to know if it changes or vanishes, than to bury it and pretend it isn't there. He's kept his in his room, in a small box. So far, it hasn't moved nor altered its state. ]

Mmm.

[Nadine is quiet a moment, considering. She idly pats Dumpling's neck and glances up at Geralt.]

I think it followed me out of the Horizon, at least for a little while. I kept seeing those flowers...they'd pop up in my herb garden, in my window boxes...

[Elsewhere that don't need mentioning. But it didn't escape her notice it was the same flower. Again and again. Obviously it meant something, but she hates to dwell on these things.]

I really don't like all this dark magic stuff. I really feel like I should be done with it at this point.

[ Out? Jaskier has not mentioned that. He'll need to ask, though he isn't sure the bard is inclined to talk about it.

His eyes linger on Nadine for a second more before he looks ahead again. When he asks next, it's gently prodding. ]

Because of Flagg?

[ He does understand. He's seen—felt—the demon through Julie's eyes, when they'd been trapped in her dream together. There is an influence to him. One that he imagines that would've reminded Nadine of. ]

Yeah.

[Of course, it always goes back to Flagg. Everything she is, it all goes right back to him.]

He could do that. Influence people, make them give into dark impulses and all those little nasty thoughts we have but never intend to act on. And just generally make them do what he wanted.

[It didn't always work on everyone, she knows that much. But it worked on plenty. Nadine has the feeling it's a power he used very often, and was greatly skilled in. She doesn't even know how much he'd worked it on her, just that he surely had. She can tell by it's absence, how different things looked once he'd gone.

But it hadn't all been his influence. Plenty of it had been her choices.]

You weren't him. [ Geralt offers that quietly. ] And magic is magic. It only turns dark in the wrong hands.

[ Chaos, controlled or corrupted. That's all it is. Which begs the question of what exactly grew so corrupted that the Heralds, the blights, spread across the land. Given the amount of destruction, the continual summonings for the past year—could be anything. Who the fuck can say.

But the important part is, he doesn't want Nadine worrying about what this means for her. To Geralt, it doesn't mean anything. She had magic she didn't understand nor intend to use, and she was seeking to defend herself. ]

[Nadine's eyes stay forward, fixed on the space between her pony's ears. It's easy for Geralt to say. He doesn't know. No one does, but Julie, and Nadine's not even certain if the other woman remembers.

Maybe that's stupid, and dangerous. Or maybe it doesn't matter at all, she doesn't know. But she trusts Geralt.]

I could have been. Really easily.

[She doesn't think it's so simple, when it comes to magic. Some magic is dark, and twisted, and wrong. Hadn't Flagg implied as much, when he'd gifted her a bit of his own? Talking of the price, and how his magics changed a person.]

And I'm not talking about the powers the local god gave me the other month.

[ At first, Geralt thinks she's referring to what she did under Flagg's direction. But it sounds like more, the way she refers to powers. Doesn't it? ]

What do you mean?

[ Nadine's held secrets for a long time. Since he met her, in truth. Geralt's uncovered more than most, he imagines, but by and large, he's allowed Nadine to be. She's been good to Jaskier, to Ciri, to all of them. Who she was before that...

It's not that her past doesn't matter. Everyone's past matters. But it also doesn't change who she is now, to him. ]

If he hadn't disappeared, when he did.

[It's the safest version of the truth, Nadine thinks. Or at least the easiest way to lead into it, if it seems she should.]

I don't think it's any surprise to say that what he was and what I am aren't exactly compatible in the long run. And I knew that. When he was the entirety of my world, that was okay. The idea that I could....become like him. Because we'd be together and then I wouldn't care about what was good or bad or anything like that.

[It had seemed just a necessity. To be with him, to be able to be with him like that, as man and wife. She'd agreed to it, not tacitly but clearly and directly before he'd gone from this world.

How different things would be, had he remained. What would she be now? Who would she be? Something terrible, probably.]

[ It's a difficult thing, isn't it? To have to ask what shapes you? Geralt hasn't got an answer. Flagg found Nadine incredibly young. Even if Flagg had no magic, no power—he would hardly be the first to prey on a child to do his bidding. It doesn't take a demon for that. Just a man. ]

He did disappear. [ In the end, what-ifs are only that. A path not walked. ] You aren't like him. And I believe, were he to return, you'd no longer want what he has. No matter the mark he left behind.

[ That, Geralt does know. She isn't the same person he met. Who she may have become is not who she is now. She can't forget the past—nor should she—but he doesn't think she should let the weight of it continue to anchor her. She deserves more than that. ]

No, I don't want that now.

[Nadine is certain of that, at least. It had been a defense mechanism, in a way. Be like him and all the guilt and shame and doubt would go away. Without him, without his influence...it's all different.

She's different.]

But sometimes the fact that I'm capable of wanting that...bothers me. Which I guess is a good sign. A decent person would be bothered by that.

[ A question exists of how much Nadine can even be held responsible for the things she wanted, the things she did and tried to do—but Geralt knows it'll not ever make a difference for how she feels. There's no point in asking it. Or trying to answer it.

Absolving blame never quite helps, in his experience. It's a case of moving on how you can. ]

You are. Just as you're capable of wanting better things. [ He glances at her little pony. (Technically, a large pony.) ] Besides, your horse is fond. They have good instincts. Like I do.

[ CLOSED ] tooth and nail, tooth and nail

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