abraxaslogs | [open] january/february catchall

Entry tags:

[open] january/february catchall

Who: Viktor and special guests and YOU
When: January through early February
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: open stuff, closed stuff, dangerous and illicit magical surgery, the usual
Warnings: the usual references to terminal illness including a steep decline and medical procedures/surgery. will list additional warnings as needed.

[open and closed starters in comments! This is also a general catch-all for Viktor’s do-or-die attempt to cure himself, and the events leading up to it, and his recovery (to come later). If you want a custom starter or something specific, just hit me up. full horizon details are here for any and all wildcarding needs. For everything else, I’m on plurk at

whitticus and on discord at whitticus#8139.]

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Despite their best efforts--more frequent healing, more gratuitous use of potions and serums meant to mitigate his symptoms--Viktor declines precipitously. Good, in that they spent the month working successfully towards the procedure, but obviously not ideal in the sense that there are still things to do, and Viktor is finding it increasingly difficult to haul himself out of bed and get to the laboratory.

He's known this was a possibility for a long time, but perhaps part of him hoped to spare Jayce the worst. The days are increasingly trying, with Viktor burning out early in the evening, unable to work the hours that he wants to. Needs to, at this point. By the end of the month, they make a unilateral decision that the procedure will happen in the next day or two. No backing out now.

With the deadline set and most of the preparations underway, Viktor is more-or-less forced to rest. That in itself is frustrating to him, even before the most important night of his life, and despite the fact that he clearly isn't up to it, Viktor hunches over their bedside table, scrawling out last-minute notes, bloody handkerchief close at hand. He writes until he has to bend double, the coughing wracking his slight frame. When he finally sucks in enough breath to speak, it's to call for Jayce.

"Tell me it's all right to stop."

The Hexcore works. This is the best chance they have. Even now, however, Viktor can't stay idle.

Edited 2023-01-22 00:08 (UTC)

To his credit, Jayce has managed to be as level as possible during these harder weeks. It's always been easier for him to take care of other people and find the strength within himself to be there. He's held his internal turmoil where it has to be, but it has been terrible to watch Viktor degrade by the day. When this first started to change, when Viktor was still relatively healthy, he started to wonder if they should keep putting it off. Now it's clear, they can't. There's no other option.

He is the perfect partner during all these trials. He is at his elbow any time he needs something, he finishes everything Viktor can't do himself, he brings him food and water, and makes certain that he rests. He cleans his handkerchiefs out of blood daily so they're ready when he needs to use them again. Jayce does all of it as carefully as he can so as not to set off his pride, but at a point, illness is harsher than pride.

Viktor was dying back home but he had hidden it from him until he was at this place. And then when it was over, he'd given up. At least he hasn't given up again. Jayce is never far from him these days, he hates leaving him even for a few minutes. This may be all they have left. He comes in when he hears Viktor speak, bringing warm tea for his throat since he's coughing hard again.

"It's all right to stop. You need to rest, love." Jayce hasn't questioned the letters, he knows that Viktor needing to rely on him for other things is difficult, so he lets him keep as many of his secrets. He hands him the tea and runs his fingers gently through his hair. The bed is always made up these days with his comfort in mind, pillows often firmly stacked so he can sit up if it is easier for him to breathe that way.

"Have some tea. What are you going to do when we're through this and you have to stay in bed for weeks?"

The last thing Viktor wants is to be so ill that he can't get out of bed or care for himself, and though they aren't there yet, this is giving him an uncomfortable taste of what it might be like, if they wait any longer. He wants to be in the lab--he wants to go back to the lab, but he's exhausted and he's already traded his work clothes for one of Jayce's oversized shirts, betraying any bravado regarding a desire to keep working.

Theoretically, there isn't anything left to do, but Viktor will check and re-check their notes and calculations until he physically can't keep his eyes open anymore.

"That's different," he says, taking the mug and leaning into Jayce's touch, the motion automatic. "I'll have something to look forward to, in that scenario."

In that scenario, because Viktor is still hedging, when it comes to the other side of this. They've practiced dozens of times in thee Horizon by now, and though the whole team is confident they have a chance, there's still the possibility that something might go wrong in practice. He sighs, frowning at the pages in his hand before tucking them into his notebook and setting it and the mug aside. Viktor reaches for Jayce, instead.

"Come sit with me, please."

Jayce has always been the picture of health so he doesn't truly know what it could be like, for your body to betray you and make every breath difficult. Watching his lover waste away has been hard, but Viktor still has so much life in him. He may tire easily but his mind is as bright as ever, focused on the end result they are almost at. As long as he can think through anything, they are still on the better end of this.

"I don't know, I'd give you one week before you start getting restless and pouting. Maybe two." That first week he'll likely be mostly sleeping so the second week is probably true, but he never underestimates Viktor's stubbornness. He sits as requested and lets his fingers run through Viktor's hair gently, leaning forward to kiss him on the forehead like usual. There are his go-to gestures of affection that soothe them both.

He cups Viktor's face, his cheekbones so prominent at the moment. "I keep forgetting to tell you how much I love you." Jayce still does manage at least once a day, although it's usually just a murmured I love you after kissing him on the cheek. Nothing very mundane. He usually tells him overly much and regrets nothing about that. He can think of tomorrow, of their future. He never stopped doing that.

"Then you'd better start thinking of ways to entertain me."

He says, like Jayce hasn't already planned it all out. Viktor is sure of that, if the accumulation of various novels and books in their apartment is any indication. For now, however, he's not going to admit that he'll be exactly as Jayce describes, partially because that would be admitting Jayce is right, but mostly because he's still nervous about looking past the procedure. They'll work about his recovery once he's in recovery. They have to get there, first.

Having received permission to stop for the night, however, Viktor makes some room for Jayce to join him on the bed, closing his eyes against the familiar hands that run through his hair and caress his face.

"You tell me all the time. If you aren't telling me, you're showing me." Like right now--and not that he's complaining. Viktor lingers, not saying anything else, as if he's well aware that if he does, it's going to shatter this fragile moment of comfort. He reaches for Jayce's hand. "We should talk."

"I'm very entertaining, you'll be fine."

Jayce does have all sorts of books for them and also notebooks for Viktor to draw in when he's bored. It will be a good time while healing to finish off some projects too, they rarely get downtime. He can only ever look to the future. He tries to be better about it for Viktor, but in this case, he doesn't like the other option.

He gets on the bed with Viktor and puts an arm around him automatically. There is no chance he won't take to touch him or snuggle with him. They're in their seventh month of being together now. The bracelet only leaves his wrist in the shower but otherwise it's there, like now. Jayce is good at showing his love. He frowns at that tone and immediately has a sense of what is going to happen. His immediate urge is to refuse, to come up with a reason not to. His jaw tightens and he squeezes Viktor's hand.

"Can't we just ... skip that?"

Viktor adjusts, settling into their comfortable proximity that he can’t believe he ever denied himself. He tucks himself into the crook of Jayce’s arm, pulling close and leaning fully against him, appreciative of the warmth. He coughs a little, clearing his throat, shoulders shuddering briefly with the noise. He swallows. Breathes out.

“I could write it down for you, instead.”

Maybe he already has, tucked away in his notebook, though Jayce will find that left waiting for him after the procedure. Viktor doesn’t want anything to go unsaid, but if Jayce finds it too painful to talk about, he won’t force it.

“I want to make sure everything’s in order. Just in case.”

Jayce curls around him like he wishes he could just pull Viktor into him and keep him safe that way. He would do anything, he has done anything, to protect him. That was true long past they were together, and now even more so. He sighs and stuffs his nose into Viktor's hair, feeling better when he's breathing him, although he can't give him his lungs, or this would've already been over. Talking to Caitlyn was hard enough, but he takes in another deep breath of Viktor and lets it out.

"I'm sorry, I'm being selfish. I'll listen to anything you want to say."

No matter how painful it is, it's the right thing to do. Viktor deserves to have his last words or instructions. He can write it all down, yes, but he wanted to say it. Jayce feels cold despite being the one who radiates heat, as if all the heat and life seep out of him every time he thinks about living without Viktor. He made Jayce promise to let him die back home, but that was different. Here, he wants to live, he wants to fight. Whatever reason he had to stop, it isn't present here.

There's not much he can do to comfort Jayce, and truth be told, Viktor isn't really in any shape to do it. He's got his own anxieties about the upcoming procedure, now that they've set a time for it, which means that all of this will be over, one way or another, in the span of a day. Jayce curls into him and Viktor embraces him reflexively, seeking out his cheek to kiss as he wraps his arms around those broad shoulders.

"I'll try to make it as easy as possible. You get all of my things."

Not that he has very much, but his possessions don't mean very much to him. Jayce can do what he likes with them and Viktor trusts that it won't be objectionable.

"After you destroy the Hexcore," which will need to happen regardless--Viktor has come around to the fact that it's simply too dangerous to exist, given the current political climate. "I'll also want you to safeguard my notes."

Edited 2023-01-26 01:49 (UTC)

They don't exactly have many things but he gets symbolically he's the only person to will it to anyway. Jayce leans into the kiss on his cheek, feeling the rise and fall of Viktor's chest with him this close. He's spent several nights sometimes waking up, looking over to simply make sure he's breathing. Sometimes masking his search for Viktor's reassuring pulse in his wrist for just holding his hand.

"V, I can't destroy the Hexcore but save your notes. It all has to go to be truly safe." Yes that includes a whole lot of brilliant knowledge and it is hard to miss that, although they do have sharp memories and can hide info in the Horizon if they have to, but still. If Viktor wants to be sure no one can get a hold of it, it has to die with him, if that's what happens.

Viktor knows, deep down, that Jayce is right, but he's still finding it difficult to consider the fact that the procedure might not even work, and he might be gone, and they can't even keep his notes on the Hexcore for fear the government will find them. That all of his work might still be for nothing, only carried on in what Jayce can remember of it, to maybe rebuild when it's safer.

"I know, I just--" He trails off, hands dropping into his lap and eyebrows furrowing in frustration. Surely there must be some way. A safe, a lock box, something hidden in their apartment. Some record of notes and his genius and the fact that he existed at all. "It's my life's work."

So if there's a way...if Jayce can somehow safeguard even a little of it, he wants to think it's possible, but the more sensible part of him knows it isn't worth the risk. He seems to realize this, though it leaves him slightly despondent.

"I'm sorry. I know that's too much to ask."

They both know how devastated he would be, if his work was used posthumously to build weapons or cause destruction.

Jayce knows it isn't fair and it is difficult. If someone told him he had to dismantle all of Hextech back home and it was the only way ... well, before he would have refused. After the hammer, he had different feelings about it. He loves Hextech, and the fact he can't have it here has been painful for him, but he has seen what something can do in the wrong hands. Of someone who is using it badly. He was that person.

"I know ... but you have to believe me when I say no matter what you think, it's not actually worth it if it's used the wrong way. I've already done that. I've already seen it. I'm not going to let that happen to your work." Jayce did it to their Hextech dream, but with Viktor gone, even if he wishes he could keep pieces of him, it's not going to make a difference if he has those notes or the Hexcore. Viktor's legacy isn't work to Jayce.

"Love, your legacy here, it's not going to be the Hexcore. It's going to be you. You've touched lives, you've made friends, your other inventions may seem small in comparison, but they've still meant something to the people who have them. Our work with the miners and Libertas, they aren't complete, but they will be someday, and that's something you've done too."

Jayce sighs and kisses the top of his head. "Maybe we haven't achieved great here, but we have achieved good." And that is the message he took from another Viktor.

Edited 2023-01-27 22:57 (UTC)

It's precisely the fact that Viktor knows what Jayce has done that makes him relent. Learning about his actions in the Shimmer factory has only made Viktor more sure that he never wants to see Hextech weaponized again. If he has to sacrifice any evidence at all of the incredible thing he's built, then he has to do it. He should just be thankful that Jayce is going to bring things full circle and destroy it, regardless of what happens during the procedure.

"That's unfair," he says. "Using my own words against me."

Well, not his words. Some other version of him, who perhaps saw his work misused, or created something disastrous. Neither of them will ever know what happened to that Viktor, but his hope that whatever occurred for him, back home, won't find him here.

Jayce is perfect and infuriating and although this doesn't make Viktor any less sad about the possibility of losing it all, it's somehow what he needs to hear. Viktor tilts his chin downward, hoping to capture his lips.

What's next isn't so easy to say. They both know it, but Viktor finds such weakness difficult to voice and he lets out a shuddering breath, tucking his forehead against Jayce's shoulder, as if that's going to muffle him. "I'm afraid."

"Any version of you is wise and should be listened to." They don't know what the Viktor from the timeline did, but they both know well enough to know it must have been significant. Not only to give up, but to insist Jayce destroy it. And Jayce is coming into this with his own tragic wisdom from his bad choices. He believes what he's saying completely. He won't leave any of the Hexcore functional.

He will always lean into a kiss from Viktor. Every kiss they have left is weighted and it will be up until the last one before the surgery. While they have done everything they can leading up to it, there is still a heavy risk in this. They could be prepared in every way and it's not enough. That's why this is all so daunting. He can't even tell himself he's 95% sure it'll be fine. He's more at a 65%.

Jayce knows that Viktor struggles with this kind of honesty, although he would not be the one calling any of it weakness. His heart breaks at that confession and he hugs him tighter, both arms wrapped around his thin frame now.

"I know." He swallows down the pain lodged in his throat. "I am too." Not the same kind of fear, because Jayce will be left without him, but he'll still be alive. Viktor will just be gone. Forever. "It's okay to be afraid, love."

"I don't know about that."

Viktor is smart, yes, though he's not sure he considers himself very wise. People like Heimerdinger certainly didn't make him feel that way, with all of his talk about how Viktor and Jayce didn't fully understand the dangers of their technology. Patronizing, now that he's had some separation from it, but given what Jayce has been through, maybe partially correct. Viktor doesn't necessary feel wise, going into this.

He doesn't want to distress Jayce any more than is necessary, but Viktor knows by now that it's worse for him if he leaves all these feelings unvoiced. It's okay to be scared--they both are, and he can be thankful that, at least for now, neither of them have to do it alone.

For once, he finds himself choked up. Viktor rarely cries, but he supposes that if it has to happen, this is a worthy occasion for it. They've done everything they can to ensure that the procedure will be a success, but even the thought that it might not be hurts in a way he wasn't sure he was capable of feeling. He doesn't want to die. The thought of it, and of leaving Jayce, is unbearable.

Viktor can't answer. He buries his face in Jayce's chest, arms around his shoulders, holding him close.

Jayce cries more regularly due to his heightened emotions and vulnerable state, but that makes it no less severe when facing the fear of what might happen on the other end of this. And how terrifying the thought is of going about his life alone. But it is far rarer to see Viktor this way, it is the only time he thinks he has, and it only makes him hold him tighter.

"I loved you from the moment you told me to crank it, and I will love you until the day I die."

Acknowledging that it is possible that day will be long from when he loses Viktor. He doesn't doubt it though. If he ends up living another fifty years, he has no doubt in his mind, he will still love this man. Normally he would follow that up by reassuring them both again this will work, but it feels like this is not the conversation that needs his aggressive optimism. This is the 'it may happen and we have to deal with that' conversation.

"This should have never happened to you. This universe is so much better for having you in it."

Viktor shudders in Jayce's arms, trying to stifle the worst of it, but they both know it's pointless. He's allowed to feel this way--he's allowed to seek comfort, even though he knows it's too much to ask. What matters is that they're here for each other, and Jayce makes that known immediately. He's heard this before, of course--Jayce isn't stingy with his feelings, but the conviction and the sheer belief he has in the two of them is overwhelming.

Just like in the Council room, the day they first met, Viktor is won over by Jayce's passion. They have to do this, and he has to survive this, because there is no alternative.

After a moment, he emerges from the embrace, taking Jayce's face in his hands, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks. "We have a real chance." Viktor wants to sound braver than he feels, even as he somewhat unsuccessfully blinks away the wetness in his eyes. "But if the worst happens, you have to live your life. As completely and fully as you can. Promise me."

Edited 2023-01-30 03:19 (UTC)

Jayce holds him through it, thinking it probably is for the best that Viktor allow himself to feel this way, and that is exactly what their relationship is for. So they can both be vulnerable with one another and take comfort. He is glad that they've reached a point where Viktor does feel safe with him this way, that he can let himself purge the sadness and fear. He feels so small in Jayce's arms and it only makes him want to keep him closer, wrap him into his larger embrace.

He lets Viktor take his face, his own tears wet on his cheeks, and Jayce knows what Viktor is trying to do. There is a part of him that rejects the very idea of ever moving on. Ever finding happiness again, whether with another person, or in his life in general. He can only ever see sadness without Viktor, the loss of the other half that can't be replaced. At least he hasn't gone to that dark place again, where living without him seems impossible. He knows that isn't what Viktor would ever want for him, and it would be betraying him to waste his life. So he won't consider it.

"I can't see a future without you. I just ... can't." He isn't meaning that in the bad way, it's just how Jayce is sometimes, and he knows that Viktor knows what he means. Jayce is always so forward-thinking, he can imagine a hundred different directions his life can take, but it just always requires Viktor in it. He's not rejecting the idea of moving on, it's simply not possible for him to think that way right now.

He cups Viktor's face in his hand, brushing his thumb against his mole by his lip. "I will try if I have to, I promise."

He knows that there's no easy answer to this, and that in many ways asking Jayce to move on is an impossible ask. Viktor won't press--he thinks he'd be more eloquent about it in writing, anyway, so instead on trying to force the issue, he falls silent, pressing his lips to Jayce's and running his fingers through his hair.

"I know. It's hard to imagine." Too hard for him to even have this conversation, because they have the best chance they could possibly carve out for themselves and he doesn't want to say goodbye. "You don't have to, not right now."

For Jayce, this might just be a bridge he has to cross if and when they get there. Ideally, he won't ever have to face the reality of a future without Viktor. He won't, not if Viktor has anything to say about it.

"I'm here." He's here, taking Jayce's hands in his and guiding him down to his chest, where he can hold him properly. "I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way."

Jayce doesn't want to be like his mother, forever unable to move on from the ghost of the only man she could see herself with. But he also thinks it's probable that is who he will be. Maybe they both just love too hard. But there are a lot of rewarding things about life that he can focus on in the future. That will have to be enough. It's not something he wants to consider.

"And I'll do everything I can to keep you." Jayce would probably drain out all his magic and his energy and his own lifeforce to give it to Viktor if he could. Maybe he even will. He goes back to holding Viktor against him and lets the quiet continue from there, and their comfort, cold or otherwise, stay between them.

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[open] january/february catchall

jayce (placeholder, last days of january)

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Can wrap on this one and I'll jump to the other