abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Entry tags:

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments

Starters Below!

If you want a specific starter message waftingcurtains on plurk or go wildcard!

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He would not have, no. Talked to Istredd at all. But he always answered him, until that last time, and there is a twinge of regret there that he didn't.

He chuckles. "If you're so smart," he says, watching Istredd all the while, head tilting against the hand on his chin, "why do you think?"

Istredd rolls his eyes and leans forward, shaking his head. "Right, obviously the answer was to message a random woman you don't know and be a prick to her, instead of communicate with your partner. You know, I think you would have messaged every person in there instead of me, given the chance."

He wouldn't say he's jealous, more irritated in a general sort of way. He'll have to check in with Caitlyn and see how rude he was about it. It doesn't occur to him that it's strange he used the word partner.

"I messaged her," he draws out, dropping his hand again, "to try and get someone else to keep you from killing yourself by dumping every single scrap of yourself into everyone else."

Istredd may call him a liar, again, but it is the truth.

And that didn't go well because Caitlyn is just like him. That makes sense now. Istredd sighs, rubbing at his eyes. "There are people who might be dead right now if I wasn't doing that. Caitlyn and I were in an impossible position. Maybe someone else would have just let the chips fall where they may, but ... I can't do that."

As Lucifer said already, he wouldn't be him if he was sorry about his stupid selfless choices. "We became friends down there, we had to." Castiel, Steve, Louis, Caitlyn. His relationship with Geralt and Ciri remains complicated. "You know, after I healed the second time, I went crazy for about a day." He stopped messaging Lucifer. "And it was a relief." Which seems about as insane as how he felt, but it was a break.

"Only to wake up and find out while I was out, they released the shrine monster."

Shrine monster. Right. Istredd had said something about that.

"Well. You considered releasing it. They took the choice from you. You didn't have to make that last resort call." He sighs. "You can't control everything, Istredd." Take it from a guy that very much wishes he himself could. "Even if you were sane, you couldn't be everywhere. They could've done it either way, with you unawares, and you'd still feel just as shitty."

"No, I know I considered it, which I told your brother when he apologized. We had agreed it was a last resort, and it sounds like they believed it was at the time." And they may have been right! Istredd told Castiel that he didn't blame him for his impulsive decision while in the middle of the madness. Louis and Inej were also just doing their best at that point. It just meant that Istredd felt it underlined how little he could look away.

The fact that it was Castiel's choice to release the shrine monster may be new information.

"I could argue it was the right choice, it is what led to the escape." So maybe he should have gone crazy sooner. "I don't know, the point is, we were all doing our best. I'm not a hunter or a warrior, I couldn't fight the monsters or get us rats, my helpful abilities were limited." Lucifer knows that Istredd has a thing about feeling useless.

There is a long, suffering sigh through Lucifer's thoughts.

"Are you telling me my brother released this creature," he asks dully. It is, in fact, new information. And honestly....... really not that surprising.

Whatever. It is unfortunately not a point that he can poke and prod at now.

He flops backwards abruptly, grabs one of his pillows, and promptly chucks it at Istredd's idiotic face.

"He had help. None of them were doing well at the time." It almost sounds a little defensive, but he feels it's warranted. Lucifer already hates Castiel and he doesn't want something he said to be added to that pile. He is not looking forward to attempting to balance this angel complication.

The pillow actually manages to full out hit his face because he didn't see it coming. Or expect that would happen. So he startles and looks at him. "Are you twelve?" Istredd looks stern for all of two seconds before he laughs and hits Lucifer back with it. But he doesn't throw it, he keeps a hand on it, it is his pillow now. His weapon.

Lucifer doesn't need it, and anyway he has another one even if he did. He makes a second wallop, but this time it's with his mind. A full heartbeat of a moment where there's no static at all from Lucifer's mind and it's of course when he's gone on the attack.

He takes Istredd's surprised humor, ignores his comment, and fills in it with righteous indignation--he's still an angel, he's allowed on occasion.

Lucifer's thoughts reverberate with his spoken words, "You're not nobody."

The lack of static is appreciated but then he gets an emotional wallop from him, an intense feeling that takes him by surprise. Indignation at him, about him. He's felt it for Lucifer too, usually about how his family treated him. The words mean a lot to him. It lands hard. His self-worth during this experience took a serious hit. He did what he could to make himself useful but it was always in the back of his head. He always gets set off by what he perceives from other people as underestimating him, and it's because he does it to himself.

And that is why it matters. He's told himself before when it comes to Ciri, she's important. Geralt and Yennefer are important. Lucifer sees more to him. Just as he sees him, he is seen. It makes him stupid. It makes him emotional. Istredd leans a little closer, his hands tentatively reaching out to cup Lucifer's face, so gentle.

"What am I then?" If he is bold, it could be because he is so tired of holding back. He looks into Lucifer's eyes, more visible now with how close they are. Istredd is searching for something, that much is clear. Hoping.

Edited 2023-04-06 13:16 (UTC)

The innate reaction is to withdraw, react with a dismissive word.

Lucifer knows intimacy; he's used it as a deception for so many of his vessels, even when he was burning rapid-fire through anyone that could hold him for moments. It was always so easy, more simple than offering power, or revenge. Just dressing up as a loved one and playing at the heartstrings until they broke.

He took those emotions and made people bleed for him. Who was that blonde? Doesn't matter. She took a knife to her skin and carved her flesh just to 'show' her love for 'Vince' and Lucifer soaked up all the adoration, worship, even if it was for his host. Desperation to please, enough to put her in the hospital.

It's easy to put distance between him and other people when literally none of them--Kelly especially--ever knew it was him. The devil, lurking under the shadow of false identity.

He's never had to deal with someone knowing him.

Oh, he wants to just opt for misunderstanding. Talk up Istredd's value in general.

He knows it isn't what Istredd's looking for.

That doesn't mean he has an answer.

His lack of grace has made him so close to human that it's stomach-turning. Less himself, less angelic, and it opens their kind up to the same things humans feel, experience. Hunger, cold, loneliness.

Vulnerability.

It's a wonder humans can cope with all the loudness in their minds; Lucifer sure hasn't. To have fear so overwhelming for so many weeks. Istredd was supposed to die. He was planning to die. Because to him he saw himself as expendable. Because to him that's how he could prove to be useful in saving everyone else.

Because he isn't accustomed to people caring about what happens to him, same as Lucifer.

"I don't know," he says, adding to the pile of how many times he's said those exact words to Istredd. "But it's unparalleled."

Istredd has communicated to Lucifer before that no one has ever put him first. That no one really even cared to think much about him. Yennefer and Stregobor, yes, in different ways, but he wasn't going to be top of their list. Out of sight, out of mind, discarded for one reason or another. Justified, in her case, but she still didn't seek him until she was at her lowest decades later.

A main difference is the lack of complications and backstory. Not to say they don't have complications, the two of them have gone over quite a lot of things together, but they were new to each other. Their bonding was in a sincere and brand new way, finding one another from opposite sides of the universe. He believes Lucifer and it is a compliment like nothing else. He is important to someone. Vitally important. His heart beats faster, hungry for so many things, and validation is one of them, fed.

"Lucifer, I ---" He wants to pour out his heart and tell him the truth, the truth that everyone else already knows. He keeps avoiding it out of fear, but he is so tired of being afraid. A true love confession probably wouldn't go over well anyway.

He runs his thumbs in a caress against Lucifer's cheeks like the last time but he is holding on tighter, not wanting to lose this. And then Istredd just gives up. He lets the bond communicate the mess of feelings, maybe not the words, but the feelings that are far past friendship. The mixture of want and need and desire that he's been guilty about even now because of how unwanted it would be. The pain of unrequited affection.

Maybe if Lucifer wants to brush it off and say it's emotions from what happened, he can, if he puts that space between them again, Istredd can't stop him, but all he can think about is that he wants to be closer. Closer, closer, closer. He finishes all that emotional honesty up with guilt again, a release of a burden that was never asked for. And yet he is pathetically hopeful too. Because he could be wrong. What if he's wrong? What if it's not only him?

"I want to kiss you, but only if you want me to." On a whisper. This is terrifying in its own way because of how much he is putting out there and how brutal the rejection could be. And yet, after he says it, after he's expressed his feelings, even if they are unwanted and hated, there is a rush of relief.

Either way, it's over. It can't be taken back, although it can be dialed back and pushed aside and stifled again.

It's truly amazing how much of Lucifer's future problems would have been solved if he didn't let his mind get to its current state. If even this moment just waited another week, where his openness would be so simply shared between them again, so much trouble could've been dealt with.

But it's all such a mental trashfire and it hides Lucifer's doubts. Despite the barrage of complicated emotions from Istredd's end, it's easily misconstrued when it gets to Lucifer. Crossed wires, the similarity bleed between Lucifer and Yennefer; and Yennefer isn't here, but Lucifer is, vulnerable with an equally vulnerable Istredd who just has a need to be filled.

Wrong place, wrong time.

He's never the one anyone would purposefully choose.

He's seconds from messaging Yennefer to properly deal with this, but why shouldn't he be selfish? Istredd knows what he is, it's not Lucifer's fault that he indulges.

So screw it.

He'll deal with the emotional consequences of his actions later. Or, more likely, he won't and it'll bottle up unhealthily. Same difference, isn't it?

He reaches up both his own hands, nails dragged across skin, over Istredd's collarbone to wrap behind his neck and pull him in that last small distance left between them, teeth before lips meeting Istredd.

There is a part of Istredd that wishes Lucifer's mind was as open as his too. He can't read him clearly which means so much of this is a risk. There is no guarantee that he can sense mutual attraction or interest. He is wildly and foolishly guessing at this point. Hoping, really. He is truly not thinking about anyone or anything else other than Lucifer. He is the only thing in his mind and his heart right then.

It wouldn't occur to him that Lucifer could have doubts. Istredd thinks he is being so obvious, so pathetic throwing all his feelings out there. They could be unwelcome and annoying to Lucifer. He didn't ask for this, for his roommate to catch feelings and push them at him like this. And yet because it's them, he trusts Lucifer. He might be an emotional trashfire, this angel of his, but he has never intentionally hurt Istredd. Even if this goes poorly, he wouldn't be so cruel.

He is so tense as he waits for a decision. He is truly surprised by what that is, since his hopes seemed so ridiculous, and then Lucifer's mouth is on his and he sinks into it. Istredd didn't expect gentle in this situation and he frankly doesn't want it, there are too many feelings going on, and he wants to empty his mind. He wants to feel this.

Istredd kisses him back fiercely, leaning into him, fingers sliding through his hair, the other hand dropping to his shirt to dig in and hold him close like he's afraid of how fast he'll disappear. He has wanted this for months, wallowing in his longing, and it's his now.

Lucifer, the name a far gentler caress in his mind than the greedy way he's holding onto him. A softness to his feelings that aren't as selfish as his hunger. Istredd's got it so bad. I want you. And Lucifer can sense the force of that, layers and all, not only one thing like desire, which is simple, but adoration too. Everything. He wants everything.

His mind may be on Lucifer now, and it would be awfully rude if it wasn't in this moment. Focused on what's in front of him, Lucifer will give him that much.

It's the adoration that turns the switch off from Lucifer's shitty self-loathing thoughts. Always would be the trigger. It's what he longs for most, seeks out, claws out of the dregs of humanity for just a lick of it. He may not believe the accuracy of Istredd's other tangled emotions, but he latches into that one strand and allows himself to let go of control until his exhaustion will give a nasty reminder.

His mind buzzes and skitters, nothing new. Unfocused, only humming in response to Istredd's words.

One hand still pricks fingernails at Istredd's neck, five small grounding points, curling in deeper. Knuckles from the second run along Istredd's spine until he finds the dulled ache of his side that had tripped through their minds. Skimming under clothing and splaying a chilled touch against the remembered injury, nearly tender, far more than Lucifer's teeth dragging from Istredd's mouth and along his chin.

In a way their connection makes it harder to fake anything, not that Istredd would anyway. At least on his end right now, since Lucifer is still so hard to read. Lucifer has felt his affection before, his happy and fuzzy thoughts toward his friend, but this is stronger. Nothing holding him back, no attempts at hiding it, his adoration unfiltered may as well be throwing a blanket of weighted emotional warmth all around Lucifer.

Istredd doesn't know if he's special or if he had taken something Lucifer said and run with it, assuming all this time that he was a closed door on this matter. It is why he has been so tentative and now it seems that particular concern never mattered. He wishes that he could have Lucifer's connection right then though, he wants the confirmation of shared desire, although the actions are saying something.

Their touching has been so limited that the movement of Lucifer's hands under his clothing makes him shiver regardless of his touch being cold, starved for it himself. It does make it ache a little at the touch but the tenderness is the true surprise. He sucks in a breath sharply between that and Lucifer's teeth on his chin and his fingers clench in Lucifer's hair.

"Do you...?" Istredd sighs and his grip tightens and he pulls Lucifer's head back to look at him, a little more forceful than someone might expect. Istredd has claws and passion, it's just pushed under the composure. His hand releases Lucifer's shirt to slide under, taking advantage since Lucifer did it first, his fingers far warmer as they moved over his spine.

"You want this, right? I can't ... I can't read you." Lucifer's actions are saying so but maybe Istredd is insecure too, that he could be just as unsure if Lucifer's being swept up in desperation. He falls in love with people who are withholding, so he craves reassurance even now.

Edited 2023-04-07 03:05 (UTC)

God, Istredd, you can't even shut up in this, can you? Lucifer's trying very much not to think here for his own sanity, but he can't even be allowed that, can he?

The problem is that he does want it.

It would be so, so much easier if he didn't.

Give or take a few months, Lucifer's quickly coming up on a year being in Abraxas and starved from his grace that it's made him into just another version of himself that he didn't like. Always versions that he doesn't like, but this one... This one hurt the most. The version that had to adapt, pulled away from everything he ever knew and really, this should be better.

There's a very small percentage of people that know what he's done, what he's never and will never apologize for. There's a handful of people that understand his name, understand his title, and for the most part they see it as a misfortune, for him. Piss-poor parentage and a bad hand drawn. It's what he wanted. All the slights he's ever made on humanity just to be balled up and tossed in a waste bin.

He's been taking things for himself but it all seems like wicked tricks. Stealing something that doesn't belong to him, like he should be cackling in an alleyway, all cartoonish evil.

He was never supposed to be allowed any of this; and not just him, but all angels. Look from above, never interact. Love, never interact. So separate from Daddy's spinning marble, but oh, you'd better worship.

"Yes, well, I told you I needed time to recover my mind in Thorne and it's been, what, a few days? So, really, that's on you. You know what I do want? I want sleep. But for just a few, fleeting moments, if you can stop talking, that can wait." He chases into Istredd's space after he's withdrawn but he doesn't completely close the distance again. Kiss me, Istredd, he instructs mentally.

Istredd's been with people other than Yennefer but it always felt like it was either avoiding deep attachments because of his heartache or filling a void that was impossible. It wasn't lack of want, it was more that he built a nice wall around himself full of logic and books, and he couldn't imagine how he'd ever get the type of intimacy and trust that was lost to him. So he didn't bother. With anything.

It happened accidentally. All of his relationships here did. He told people before that just being here requires change, and he likes to analyze other people according to that theory, but it's true of him too. And here he is in the type of situation where it could be awkward but Lucifer is dryly talking at him instead of answering the question, and Istredd actually rolls his eyes as if it was any of their other conversations.

"You are lucky that I want to kiss you more than I want to point out that you didn't answer my question." Istredd smiles at him despite the waspish words, a part of him maybe liking that they are still being them in the midst of this, and he closes the distance eagerly this time. An arm slings around Lucifer's back and he pulls him, wanting as little space between them as he can get, greedy and selfish.

Make me shut up then, he challenges, still smiling. He parts his lips, drawing Lucifer in, wanting to stop thinking too. A terrible night turning into something wonderful is frankly the type of thing that might make him question if this is real later.

Edited 2023-04-07 03:58 (UTC)

He's sure then that question will come back to bite him and he's sure his response will be equally misleading. Except the smart thing from Istredd would be to wait until Lucifer's mind has restored itself.

He debates locking that information up in the same hidden depths where the truth of his son exists.

Maybe he won't. Lucifer's feelings Istredd may try to track down.

He has no reason to look for anything about Jack and Lucifer needs to keep it that way, much as he loathes to.

"I do like a challenge," he answers in amusement, no sign of his continual inner turmoil. But honestly. His mouth resumes where he left off before Istredd interrupted them. I do think that is impossible. Istredd being capable of shutting up. It's said with the utmost kindness, of course. He hums again, and grins, and though his thoughts are as messy as they are, the mischievousness manages to spread through.

He'll regret it later when it catches up to him, but power laces through his veins, drawn up, eyes a brief red firelight. Likely unneeded; his angelic strength alone is naturally enough to overpower Istredd, but in an instant he has Istredd on his back and Lucifer smoothing over atop him, yet so impossibly aware and careful of that injury.

Still need to be between you and the door, he lulls in offering, that gleam flickering and fading.

All he wants is to be wanted, that is why he longs for an answer and a certainty. His lack of confidence is permanent, but at the same time Lucifer is giving him more he could ask for. He is giving in, taking, and he would never do this if he didn't want to. That Istredd is positive about. He has every opportunity to stop. As long as his hands are on him, his mouth, it is certain.

The tease is fun. There is a lightness to them, hanging on top. Part of his hesitance has always been about not ruining their beautiful friendship, and that could still happen, but the dam burst. Friendship as a foundation makes this smoother. He knows him. He knows so many details no one else ever can. Yet nothing slowed him down.

He laughs quietly and hums his own agreement. Shutting up is not an easy request. His hands move over Lucifer's torso just enjoying the freedom. Istredd gets to do this for now. After months of lusting after him, he can be open about it. Not only that, it's welcome.

Istredd is surprised by the sudden change but in no way resists, he completely puts himself into Lucifer's hands, settling back and letting Lucifer climb on him like the cat he is. The playfulness about the safety of being like this only means he gives a flirtatious smile back. My protector. His tone is droll.

Then Istreed is arching up toward him and tugging him down, no space at all between them, radiating heat himself. Lucifer runs cold but Istredd is a furnace at the moment, warmer than the rest of their room. He touches his back and digs his nails in a little so he feels it, lowering down and snagging the bottom of his shirt. He slowly lifts it in a clearly suggestive way, wanting it off, his hands simply twitchy with need to get all over him. If allowed, he will pull it off, but if not he doesn't take it personally. This is all so brand new.

He tilts a foot around Lucifer at the knee, planning on squeezing when he wants to keep him. He isn't thinking clearly. He is only listening to his body. "You are so attractive." Talking in this way should be allowed. It's not critical, it's compliments. He desires. This can't the only chance. Istredd won't allow it now that he's had a taste. This is not his real form, he knows that, but he has seen that and admired it too. That form probably would not be able to do this. Allow a human to lust, maybe even have it.

He pushes up toward Lucifer and pulls his head down at the same time for another kiss, drowning in it. Lucifer, he says on a soft sigh. Haven't stopped me from thinking yet. A further challenge in their little mischievous game, two can play at that.

'My protector.' Arguably not Yennefer.

'You are so attractive.' Simple, nonsense, from anyone else. Not a misguided fool issue. Even an Istredd not-firing-on-all-cylinders wouldn't be so lost to forget Lucifer's personal issues with form and appearance, and that he can feel, just under the surface layers of Emotion.

So the more Istredd gets words in--short, nearly pointless--the more Lucifer's created narrative doesn't quite fit and that's.

Alarming.

Because he knows he's right. He has to be. It's what makes the most sense. Lucifer wants something, ergo he's disallowed. Istredd isn't in the most stable state, using him--though certainly not on purpose--as a replacement for Yennefer, because they're practically the same person most days, and she is not here right now. Istredd will eventually wake up and realize the mistake and that'll be that.

It's how this is supposed to go. Lucifer indulges, gets some fun in while it lasts, and then it's up in smoke.

Lucifer...

Doesn't like being wrong. Even if it's in his benefit. He puts a lot of value in being right and that's quickly crumpling under his hands despite losing himself in the warmth of Istredd's touch.

He needs to take a step back and look at this from an angle that he'd really prefer not to, as that involves the sole problem with everything that is currently happening. Gee, Istredd, maybe if you didn't forget you were bonded when you slept with someone that was definitely intent to lay claim, this would also be simpler. (Maybe if Lucifer had ever brought up That Moment instead of burying it down with everything else, this would also be simpler.)

Billions of years and he's never been so hot at playing an adult.

He licks and presses his tongue in right under Istredd's chin, sucking at the pulse point, hands both moving around to cup his face much like he had done to Lucifer. You keep adding rules like that, he sings, though Istredd might catch just the faintest flutter that something is off. And I might have to make a scoreboard.

He pulls his mouth away and rests his forehead to Istredd's, breathing unevenly as he looks into his eyes. "I can stop you thinking," he says, as though he's accepted another challenge, only his gaze is revealing. He knows it is. He smiles, brief. Sorry, he murmurs. He means it. Before Istredd can question it, Lucifer brushes pointer and middle fingers feather-light against Istredd's temple, and drops him completely, blackout, into unconsciousness.

The small mercy: this way Istredd will actually sleep without thinking.

Lucifer groans, displeased, his own mind now abysmally quiet, and flops down alongside Istredd. Pauses. Shuffles. Pulls out awkwardly the pillow that had ended up somewhere beneath Istredd, and shoves it under the man's head, and then he resumes his position alongside him.

"I hate you," he says, loudly, folding his arms over his own face. He throws his voice, imitating Istredd, "'You don't.'" Lucifer grumbles. "You can't possibly..."

He has to know for sure and the person to ask is not Istredd himself. Funny how that works out. He's sure Istredd will take some offense to that. But there's also a little 'issue' on claim to settle and two equally-obtuse people need to learn to share. May as well get both problems out of the way. "Where did I go wrong? That's the big question here."

Is he talking to an unconscious body? Yes. Shut up. He's processing something and psyching himself up for something else.

"My life was easy before I met you, you know."

Was it, though? No. Just different problems.

He sighs. Bemoans his existence for the umpteenth time, stretches his arms out above him, and then messages Yennefer. Which is going to be real fun if she's not awake in these pre-dawn hours, but with how difficult all the Summoned have been dealing with sleep, he thinks he has good chances.

And, anyway, he can easily keep Istredd knocked out until he has his chat.

Edited (trying to get ready for bed and my brain still won't quit) 2023-04-07 07:17 (UTC)

It's a risk to say things so true and there is some shyness in it, calling him attractive, so openly desiring him. Maybe Lucifer hates that, maybe this is all so tentative that doing a single thing he doesn't like would ruin it. Istredd has been holding back the biggest problem and truth, the depth of his feelings have only been shared to an extent, because it is much more difficult to talk of love. Lust can be requited. Love? That's going to wait.

Attractive as a word can't even encompass all he desires when he looks at Lucifer.

He has this though. He does, somehow. Lucifer on top of him, close, their bodies pressed together, a fantasy he thought impossible. Warm, solid, his mouth sending shivers down his spine. Istredd's near-death experience got him here, taking the risk, being rewarded, and he holds Lucifer possessively to him.

In the haze of desire he can detect something off in the way Lucifer sings. The look in his eyes is very revealing. Lucifer? He questions in a baffled tone, and by the time he hears sorry it's already too late. Any response is impossible, he's out.

There will be a reckoning.

Edited 2023-04-07 14:04 (UTC)

When Lucifer allows Istredd back into consciousness, his back is once more against the wall, but this time his legs are overtop Istredd, not quite pinning him. His mind is already speaking before the first spark of waking: You're not in the cave. You're still in bed.

And even before those thoughts finish, he's speaking aloud, almost subdued, "You know I'm not very strong, right? You lament so much, afraid you're as weak as many mistake you to be, but you're just lying to yourself like the rest of us."

If Istredd tries to move, Lucifer will not allow him.

The strange thing is Lucifer's mind is much more normalized now than before. It begs the question: how long has Istredd been out?

There is faint coloring of the sky outside their window.

But because his mind is so steady Istredd will be able to tell that there's a wall up between them. The thing is, it's not to block Istredd from Lucifer's mind, but to block Istredd's from Lucifer's. There is a loose indication surrounding it about that very purpose.

"I understand what will be your need for wrathful fury, but let me talk first, will you? I need you to understand, Istredd."

He's keeping his eyes straight ahead, thumbnail picking at his other nails.

"I hardly expect you to be purposefully cruel. But I also found it hard to believe that you were thinking rationally. It's not about trust. I trust you--on a normal, non-traumatized, non-emotional state from... whatever this is. Was, maybe."

He has a permanence problem, alright.

"And if I asked you... it doesn't matter if I was right or wrong in my initial assumption... the pit of emotions that I would have brought into being from you were not going to give me the answer I needed. And I needed an answer. And I needed someone to tell me--not in the words, but the motivation behind the words--that I was being completely, and utterly, goddamn stupid. And there is only one person that I trust to do that."

Istredd went deep into unconsciousness with no thought possible, as Lucifer promised. No dreams, nothing haunting him, so in a way it was very peaceful. As Lucifer predicted though, when he started to come to, the panic almost instantaneously clicked in about uncertainty where he was. He couldn't smell the mud and there is a mattress underneath him, but there still is a second of uncertainty. Lucifer's voice in his head soothes that as he continues to slowly come awake.

Lucifer? he murmurs a question, confused at first, his brain feeling hazy and full of cobwebs. This is not his bed, he knows that much, it smells like Lucifer, and there are legs on him. It is all very confusing and surreal, his mind taking an extra second or two to jar back. His eyebrows furrow as his eyes blink open, half-hearing Lucifer talking.

And then it hits him abruptly. The bed. The moment before he passed out, when Lucifer's forehead was to his, and he questioned Lucifer's name in the same way. He flushes all at once at the memory of Lucifer on him, warm and solid, joking about staying between him and the door. Their kisses both desperate and lingering, all of it seeming like something out of a dream, but he knows in his gut it was real. But there is no way that he fell asleep naturally with Lucifer finally desiring him, and that clicks into place. Sorry, Lucifer murmured in his head.

Lucifer is completely correct. He sits up abruptly and looks at him. Fury immediately floods him and his jaw clenches, his blue-eyed gaze pure ice and narrowed at him. It feels like a violation but it's also baffling, it's hurtful. Did he not want it? Was it a distraction so he could make him sleep? Was this some kind of a sick game? He'd never played Istredd before and the thought he might have could make him sick. He tries to move and push him away but Lucifer's much stronger.

Then there is the mental block happening which means his intense feelings aren't actually getting through and he mentally kicks against that wall, angry about that as well. He slams against it harder than he's ever done before out of sheer frustration, but not enough to crack it. He wants to pull that wall down and force him to feel his fury but also his pain and confusion too, the betrayal that is stemming as an automatic reaction to something he can't understand yet.

He sucks in a sharp breath and considers tossing things at Lucifer from the other side of the room until he let him move. To what? Storm out of the room? Shout at him? Probably. Instead he is properly stuck and his fingers curl into a fist, definitely considering punching him in his stupid face. Yet it's Lucifer and him, so despite the pit in his stomach, he is going to let him talk.

"You need a much better fucking explanation than that, Lucifer. Who would you even ----"

The incredulity and anger takes a turn to be still between them but also up a notch mixed with a little bit of horror. Yennefer. He means Yennefer. He knocked Istredd out and talked to her about what, about them kissing? Istredd puts his head in his hands and just sits with that for a moment. It is embarrassing. It is so outrageously stupid and she is going to laugh at him about it. He is going to have to deal with that later.

"Yennefer already knows, you idiot." He looks at Lucifer through his fingers and just. Hates him a little bit for this entire situation he put them in. "She knows, like everyone else that has ever met us knows. How could you think -- why would you assume!" Istredd lies back down on the bed to give himself a second to process.

"I've felt this way for months."

Months.

That's likely his answer to Yennfer's 'I am going to assume you and Istredd finally fucked.' Well. She's going to be even more annoyed than she was already.

Lucifer doesn't care. Much.

(He absolutely cares. He wasn't lying when he said he respected her. But it had to be her.)

It's been hours. His conversation with Yennefer only took moments. Lucifer has spent more conscious time on his mind than he has in over a month. The fatigue is hitting him just from renewed not sleeping, adding on the weariness from those pesky things like emotions.

"Gee, I don't know, Istredd, maybe because the most intense feelings I've ever felt from you is when you slept with Yennefer," he fires back, out of tune.

Not talking about the bond crashed out, it was only a matter of time before this did, too. It shouldn't have mattered. He didn't think it would. He assumed he could've just rode it out with his zero acknowledgment to the dizzying punch of emotions, but here they are. Again. Again and again it isn't even Lucifer purposefully pushing boundaries as it usually is. It's just. His own failings. At understanding.

He puts his hands over his head at the rattling wall between them. "If I feel anymore rage I'm going to be sick," he admits. Like reaching that level of intoxication and just losing it all. Hopped up on it as much as he was--for other people, not himself--his grace roils at even the thought of his mind touching Istredd's and he shivers. Feels a spike of his own again and forces it away. Istredd, Yennefer--do they not get it? He wasn't going to ask Yennefer to teach him or whatever bullshit but he doesn't know. How the hell is he supposed to know?

The closest any angel could come to it is maybe Gabe--who is very much dead, courtesy of Lucifer--or Castiel, in his eternal, suffering, pining. He is not having this conversation with Castiel!!

"I thought fine, I can handle being a temporary replacement. I can handle just... being the one present." He laughs, and it cracks, and ruins completely the odd endearment they had picked up, "A placeholder." He glances towards Istredd for the first time and even that feels like too much, too close to the one emotion he thought built him and he wants nothing to do with. "And then you kept talking... and I realized I might be wrong. But why would I talk to you. I don't--"

He breaks off, and releases Istredd from the hold he put him in by flying a blip across the room to sit on Istredd's bed, leaned over, sinking his hands into his own hair.

As much as he doesn't want to, as nauseous as it makes him, he brings the wall down. All his churning thoughts, without static. That Istredd would wake up and realize that Lucifer, as close as he is, as much as there is a bleed of similarities between them, is not Yennefer.

Millennia of abandonment and inadequacy and Lucifer's indescribable feeling for Istredd just lingering on Lucifer's surface thoughts and it's not enough. He knows what he did. And there's that quiet part of him that thinks he's justified but he knows he screwed up. But it isn't just that he thought he needed Yennefer's rationale that's rooting around through his thoughts, it's that he didn't need Istredd's kindness. If Lucifer was correct in his assumption he couldn't handle Istredd's kindness.

"Just do whatever you have to," Lucifer says to the floor. Yell, scream, throttle me. Just do it.

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congrats to waking up to another round of Lucifer's Existential Crises

i couldn't resist shhh

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