abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Oh. He does remember hearing about the sea monster in the lake now. He rubs at his brow, slightly irritated. The fact that this doesn't rank even the top three weirdest things that happened in the past few weeks probably says something.

"It's too bad you can't recover the bones for the family," he says, somberly. He vaguely remembers that the creature had eventually died outside of its natural waters, but any recovery of remains from within its belly would be unlikely - unless the man had something... indigestible on him when he was swallowed that his family might want returned.

"Have you thought about asking for a regular stipend from the castle?" Kahlil knows he teaches Summoned, but he could probably make a good argument to be paid as an instructor for apprentice mages, or even his work with wards. There might eventually be a need for more coin than what can be scrimped and saved from their allowances.

"I agree. We are bringing them one of our logs too, I'm doing a lasting heating enchantment on it, hopefully that will give ... something for the winter. I'll see if they can communicate anything else we could do when we go." Lucifer will be there to make a good show for Nott, and maybe secretly to also do a good thing, but Istredd will try his best to go the compassionate route. They are limited in what they can do.

"If they won't pay Yenna for her work, they're definitely not going to pay me." Yennefer teaches people on a higher level and she also has two assistants of her own, and they are probably paid. But she is not. Istredd always uses his familial nickname of her when around friends, but he is more careful to call her Yennefer or the Lady Yennefer in Thorne Castle. "She got more access in exchange. Maybe that's how I get the same to certain texts."

It's about proving himself skilled and useful and knowledgeable first. He wants to get access to the books about other forms of magic. He'd like to get more about the history of the continent too, more than what they allow. "That's what mages do in my sphere. We don't get paid, we get knowledge or power or both."

That is strangely wholesome for the two of them, though he can't predict whether or not the family will interpret it the same. Depends on how believably sincere they come across, he supposes.

Yenna trips him up for a second, hearing the nickname for the first time. He frowns to himself.

"Then can you ask to be paid in portal spells?"

He's only being half facetious, considering Istredd is likely already looking or at least hoping to get similarly locked access to spells. A pause, then he raises an eyebrow.

"Who do you serve, as a mage?"

What power?

Istredd doesn't always remember who knows about him and Yennefer. The two of them are close and she has stopped pretending otherwise. It was a statement of a kind when she met him at the portal in front of everyone and took care of him. But until then they did keep it quiet, outside of them spending time with magic and talking.

They are probably one of the best well-oiled machines people will ever see in action when they have to be. Their training can kick in after decades apart.

"That isn't a terrible suggestion. No harm in asking. It is strange not to be able to teleport everywhere I want." Istredd usually can cross entire lands in the blink of an eye back home. Not really common knowledge, since he barely uses portals here.

The question is a fair one, he opened the door. "The Brotherhood of Sorcerers, a very old organization of mages. There are two schools, one for men and one for women, practically next door to each other." Thus why the young mages did get to know each other no matter what. Permanently linked. "They attempt to politically control kingdoms through court-appointed mages. We're trained for court intrigue, I just didn't take to it."

Istredd can do it though. He could even be good at it, if he tried. "You get taken and trained as children and serve for your lifetime, hundreds of years."

There's more than a few things to unpack from what Istredd says, but the thing that actually makes Kahlil physically stop in his tracks is the last part.

"Hundreds of years?"

He squints at Istredd.

"... how old are you?"

Istredd never remembers who knows this information or not. He doesn't keep it a secret, it just sometimes comes up or not, depending on who he's talking to.

"I'm in my late eighties I think. I don't know when I was born." Istredd doesn't remember a life before the Brotherhood, he was young when he was taken, when he first showed his gifts. Any family he might have had is lost to him. He doesn't know the year he was born because of that, but all the mages in his class were around the same age.

"We're still considered essentially children or youths until we're past a century. My mentor is closing in on five hundred soon, and he probably has a few more hundred years ahead." Unfortunately for the rest of them, he's not going away any time soon. "Our magic sustains us, we age very slowly. I'll look the same for hundreds of years."

That explains some things. And also raises many, many more questions. The middle of a busy street probably isn't the best place to get into them, though, and after a moment of studying Istredd he starts walking again.

"My world had nothing like that," he says, still frowning. The holiest of divine mystics were said to sometimes have lived longer lifespans, but who knows how much of that was actually true. Only the Issusha'im could live beyond a mortal life, and it wasn't their choice.

Them, and the Rifter.

"Women who use magic used to be burned, or worse. Boys that have god's own bones are taken by the priests to be trained." Like him. He shakes his head.

"It was that way. Not anymore, now that the church is gone and things have changed. This world was very strange to me when I arrived, though."

Everyone using magic so openly. Even the type and strength of their magic, what they could accomplish with it were only things the mystics dreamed of. Kahlil had been deeply uncomfortable for a time, but he quickly adapted.

This is more detail than he's told Istredd before. Something in him has shifted, either from what happened these past weeks or the way his conversation with Julie ended. He doesn't know. If he looks too deeply into his own thoughts he'll only get lost.

Kyle has not really opened up to him this much before and Istredd is fascinated, listening intently. It is always interesting to see how different spheres approach similar things. Women burned for the type of things men can do without problem? Ridiculous.

"That's why I don't know how old I am. I was taken as a child, they can sense when magic is used for the first time, and they come for you." To some people that sounds a little unsettling, but Istredd says it factually. It sounds like Kyle went through something like that if he was taken to be trained too. "I agree though, I've never seen anything like this magic wise. There are very few people born with the gift in my sphere."

Istredd pauses and as they start walking, he pulls down the protective shield that has been circling around him. He instead puts that protective sound bubble around them again, something Kyle can probably sense the difference in when he does it now, like the sound is closed in.

"You either become a mage, die by magic gone wrong or Chaos consuming you, or they turn the weaker of us into eels and absorb their potential through a lake of magical power." Lucifer was confused about the eels part, specifically the animal of the eels, which Istredd's never really questioned. But it gives some kind of image of how unnerving the process was for a child. Your options are very limited.

"In exchange, we get to live a very long time, have magic at our fingertips, and get to choose how we look for those centuries. For some, they transform themselves entirely during ascension. Eyes, face, body, everything. I chose not to change." Though to be fair, Istredd also was born relatively good-looking and healthy. Not everyone had that reason to shrug off the transformation. AKA Yennefer.

"What kind of training do god's own bones boys have, if I may ask?"

Kahlil can feel the protective bubble in a different way now that he knows what to look for. It's subtle, but similar to the way he senses the currents that allow him to open the Gray Space, or to know where protective wards stand to block his path. It makes him wonder what it would look like from the outside if he were to stand in the Gray Space now.

"Eels?" He pulls a face. What Istredd describes sounds more inhumane than simply killing them.

Which, sadly, leads to the question about his own training, even though he has plenty more questions about the transformation. He makes another face at god's own bones boys, he's never heard anyone phrase it that way and he doesn't particularly like it, even if Istredd is only paraphrasing his own words.

"It's hard to explain. We're taught to manipulate invisible currents between space." He hesitates for a second, waiting until they are turning the next corner. Between them he lifts his right hand, touching his forefinger and thumb together, then parting them. Something like a thin wire stretches between them, near invisible at this size. Kahlil has no idea what it looks like to an otherworld mage, this sharpened edge of the Gray Space.

As they pass by a lamppost he stops again, dragging the thread between his fingers in a line across the thick metal, leaving behind a deep cut.

Istredd can probably understand why he keeps this hidden. Banning Kahlil from carrying a weapon is a meaningless rule when he can sever a major artery with his fingertips in the blink of an eye.

"Yes, Lucifer also found the eel detail strange. I suppose it just suits the pool of energy in their mind." It was all strange. Istredd can acknowledge that. Not a great way to live or be raised. It is why he has such a hard time understanding the teenagers and youths, the mages were all practically adults at twelve years old. They had to be. When looking at the giant pool of glowing white energy, it was a reminder every time, how easy it would all go away.

Istredd looks closely when Kyle shows him what he means, and he does see something, invisible currents in the air around them is something he is tapped into thanks to Chaos. It is not obvious but he can feel it more than see it. Something that is not quite supposed to be there, on this plane.

He watches Kyle show the quick and efficient way that can be used as a cut, a dangerous one at that, and his eyebrows raise, impressed. Neither of them needs weapons to be dangerous, but everyone knows that about Istredd due to his magic. Kyle has managed to keep it secret, under the surface. Smart.

"Raised by priests, that explains some things." His domain being a temple, the implication of his faith. Istredd's never really had faith, but gods are spoken about in his sphere. Religion exists. Not to the extent it does for Lucifer, or for Kyle.

"Your god was from another world, you said, brought to yours by a gate. I wonder, given hundreds or thousands of years, if we stay in this sphere, what will we be considered?" Some of them are powerless or on par with the mages here, but people like Wanda? Like Lucifer? They are extremely powerful and overworldly. "I hope the comparison isn't offensive."

"I think most people would find the eel detail strange."

For once, Lucifer is not an anomaly.

With that part demonstrated, the Unseen Edge vanishes from between his fingertips. Unless Ambrose has secret knowledge of them in that book of his, no one but a handful of the Summoned know the offensive capabilities of his power. He kept them hidden even when he was finally forced to show his hand in front of the guards that followed them on their searches. He intends to keep it that way.

"It is." Offensive. Blasphemous. Heretical speech. Even admitting that, he just kind of shrugs in a very un-priestly manner. It could be interpreted any number of ways, but it's only that his belief is so strong that it's hard to be offended by non-believers and talk like this. "It's something I've wondered about too."

He'd tried to allude to it when the three of them talked once before, but the conversation had drifted elsewhere, and at the time he hadn't been as willing to push the theory for lack of proof.

"We have no access to any records of the previous Summoned."

The ones before this modern batch. Only that something bad had happened.

Edited (Introspection ) 2023-04-22 12:51 (UTC)

If it was offensive, it doesn't seem to make Kyle angry, so Istredd assumes the question is fine. He does understand that people have reasons to have faith. For example, the gods and heralds in this world are real, they have demonstrated proof. This is not speculation or blind faith, it is reality. He may not be interested in building shrines to anyone, but he can see what is right in front of his eyes.

His partner also is some holy creature whose father is literally God in his sphere. Religions are real in some worlds. That is fact. He's fine with it, even if he isn't in a hurry to call on any gods himself. It seems like a bad idea inherently.

"I started thinking about it since our conversation in my library." Istredd hadn't forgotten. They did get sidelined by other things, like the experimentation of the Summoned, but he rarely forgets a conversation that gets him dwelling. "There are people in the Summoned right now who have powers far and above what is normal here. Given time and legends? It would be easy to see them as gods after a dozen generations."

So basically, Istredd thinks they are probably right. Or at least on a track that could be right, except no easy way to prove the theory. "Let's say, theoretically, when the Summoning happened thousands of years ago, a few of those people had the same kind of power. And Solvunn, where that mage settled, is the only place that still believes. Maybe they lived there, like we live here."

"I wanted to look into it when I was in Solvunn, but there wasn't much time for that."

The history of the High Mage in exile, the founding of Solvunn. But that stood as a far second to the rescue efforts. He doubts he would've gotten to speak with the council member without Wanda vouching for him, too.

He's left most of what he found in Istredd's mind library, so this is retreading some of the same ground.

There's also what Lucifer had said back then during their talk. The connection to Horizon, the visions and strange places they were stuck in when the heralds first arrived. Trapped spirits...

"We really only have two options. Steal the information we want, or somehow leverage it out of them while they're feeling somewhat generous right now."

He shakes his head, taking in Istredd for a second with a strange look. Kell was the one who talked about trust first.

"I can't teleport the same way that you can, but I can walk between those currents I told you about, undetected in a space parallel to this one. In my world, only god could locate and tear me out of it." Which is why he's semi-confident about the undetectable part still being true here. "That's how I kept up with Lucifer when we were covering ground in our search."

"Luckily we have contacts in Solvunn with the type of influence who might be able to get answers we wouldn't." Kyle could have tried, but the council likely would quiet up around outsiders. Polite answers at best. Solvunn was also on the defensive due to Josselyn Creed and how she altered the continent's view of them.

"I don't know how we would steal it. Thorne is secretive, and I plan on asking Ambrose about it, but I think they are dangerously ignorant on this issue." Meaning he doesn't think even their private volumes will be helpful. They've refused to take seriously something that is now proven to be real. Foolish.

"I do wonder if this is all true, and some of the gods used to be Summoned, them reaching out to us or the Singularity showing us strange things, it might have never meant to be destructive. They could just be trying to talk to us but are no longer human enough to do it well." By destructive he means the heralds who tormented their minds or trapped them in strange situations in the Singularity with no explanation. All the things that happened to them over the months could be misconstrued. "Of course if that is the case, we'll have to figure out a way to make that communication clearer."

He doesn't mean only the Solvunn Summoned as we. Sooner or later, the rest of them really should try to find access. Maybe the answer is in the Singularity during these strange experiences. Istredd would open his mind to that, if he could only find out how.

Istredd nods in understanding about his abilities. He does vaguely understand, the current remind him of how he refers to channels, how he visualizes the way Chaos flows around them. "Have you been able to leave Thorne? How long have you managed to stay in that space?"

The way things stand now with how the castle is tightly warded, Kahlil doesn't think they'd be able to steal much from private volumes either. He only brings it up because it's something he has experience with, and seems worth mentioning.

And it's true, they have to rely on the Solvunn Summoned for most of the information with the gods. Both Himeka and now Wanda have direct connections to them. The trouble is, they likely have their own worries to deal with in their faction, and can't prioritize every question. Between even just Istredd, Lucifer and Kahlil, they have quite a few.

"Ambrose has a book. I remember him looking through it when I was received at the well, like he was confirming something in it. I don't know if it's something he uses for show, but I'd be curious what's inside."

Unfortunately, he doesn't remember many details about it. But if it's not a prop, if there's actual information about them and their worlds in it, or something else important to the process...

He pushes back his hair, then crosses his arms.

"I'd like to know for sure whether the heralds are considered old gods." They've just kind of been lightly assuming they fall under the same umbrella. It's difficult when different factions have their own interpretations. Like Luna, who doesn't even consider them gods but forces of nature. "There was also something we learned about there being newer 'old gods'."

The ones that were brought forth by the first old gods. The terminology is vague and confusing, and it's only Solvunn's version of the creation myth. But it's an odd detail. Given the direction of the conversation, these new-old gods could theoretically be powerful Summoned from thousands of years ago.

At the last question, he shakes his head at first.

"Not yet. In an emergency? Maybe I could cross the border wards through the space. My ability to do it isn't blocked entirely it's just... imagine a barbed fence with very small spaces to squeeze through, except when you exit on the other side you realize they weren't actually safe openings, and all your limbs fall off."

So is it possible? Sure. But unless he had a healer waiting on the other side he'd be dead, otherwise he would've gone straight to that northern island after they realized what was on the peninsula.

"In an area that doesn't have strong wards, I can stay in that space for hours, up to a day if I had to."

Longer, maybe. But it's not something he likes doing.

"The book he appears to be looking at when we're Summoned, yes. I thought it must be the Summoning spell, I've heard Free Cities and Solvunn have semi-similar experiences upon waking up. But none of us know how many details are in there." Istredd shakes his head. "I can't imagine he'd ever let one of us get close to that magic." There is no telling if they would use it themselves or send people back. Too risky for someone so tightly controlled. He can try anyway.

"Well ... again, assuming some gods could be former Summoned possibly. They would be newer gods, as they're only a few thousand years old in this continent's history, which would be past the typical creation myth of the originals, wouldn't it?"

Istredd is only guessing here. He is a scholar and he's read up on many things, but he does not have a natural affinity for religion. Kyle and Lucifer are far more aware of that sort of thing, so he is simply from a historian point of view. Where gods could have been normal people who lived long ago. There are plenty of names in his sphere's past that took on legendary status, but once upon a time were just people like anyone else.

"I definitely don't want your limbs falling off, so let's not test that theory." Unless it's an emergency and Kyle has no other option. But that would be up to him and no one else. "The doesn't have strong wards would be a key part. Thorne is locked up so tightly in that way." To be fair, Istredd has helped make some of those wards himself. The dungeon in particular, some of that is his work, and it's impossible to get past.

Kahlil grips his own wrist, cocking his head. But Istredd having a hand in the wards could be useful one day.

Anyway - on gods new and old, and everything in between that they only find more questions for - he hadn't meant to go on a conspiracy tangent in the middle of town, even with the help of Istredd's sound buffering spell.

He shakes his head and let out a derisive snort.

"Maybe we can ask poor Thevan for the hundredth time."

Him and every book dealer between here and Nott have been raided for anything even remotely connected to the gods and history of the country.

Kahlil does start walking toward the Dragon's Keep, though.

"You mentioned transformations before," he says, waving a hand in front of his face, then toward Istredd. "Did you used to look different?"

"I'm sure he's not sick of us at all." Istredd says, amused. He gets that sometimes the two of them end up theorizing a lot. It's something he enjoys and rarely found partners with before, but it can be circling ideas. He's writing all of this down into his Horizon anyway later.

"No, I chose to stay the same. I wasn't under as much pressure to change since I showed very little interest in court intrigue. The mages who are expected to be political are encouraged to look as attractive as possible." It's for an obvious reason. Someone who is beautiful will get more attention and can persuade people with that power. That is exactly what Yennefer did, after all. The women are encouraged more than the men, but it is across the board an expectation.

"After spending years training and not feeling very in control, it's usually freeing for some young mages to be able to look the part they want." Istredd doesn't know of those that ended up hating the change. It's for life, so it is important they knew their mind. Some of them stayed similar outside of a touch here and there, and it was more about confidence.

As useful as it is to have someone trusted to bounce ideas and conspiracies off of, he's only just starting to realize it's probably at least part of why they know so little about each other. Easier to talk about these things, and pretend you aren't purposely hiding parts of your past from the people you are trying to trust.

"Would you have been tempted at all, though? If you had the face of a frog?" he waggles both eyebrows teasingly. If this is what Istredd always looked like, that would also explain why there wasn't much pressure. Tall and handsome, with striking eyes.

"But not being noticed has its benefits too."

When Kahlil had his Prayerscars, people in Nayeshi stared at him all the time. Facial tattoos stood out enough on their own, the ones on his eyelids especially. A part of him liked the attention, though. He was proud of the Prayerscars, what they meant, even if those in Nayeshi didn't understand.

Istredd laughs. "I'm not going to pretend otherwise, of course I would. I was young and despite being supernatural, we are still human." Insecurities existed like for anyone else. He is not going to claim he is unaware he's attractive either.

"But there is a precise perfection to the way it looks after that I wasn't interested in." Istredd is good-looking but there are small qualities and imperfections that it would have cleaned up. Details they would have altered in their perception of what beauty had to be. He's considered rougher around the edges because of it. He likes that. Yennefer is the #1 example of what he'd call perfection, although he would never talk about how she looked before negatively. He's always found her beautiful.

"It's my preference, not standing out." Despite his height and striking eyes, Istredd is fairly good at staying under the radar. "But I find that hard to believe for you. Unless we're also going to pretend you don't look like you do."

Edited 2023-04-25 21:07 (UTC)

Kahlil gives him a wry grin when he earns the laugh. But he can kind of understand. It reminds him of the posters or ads in magazines he'd see in Nayeshi. Photos of men and women with skin so smooth they were pore-less. Perfect, bright white smiles. All of them thin and ageless in ways that didn't look real.

Of course it does make him wonder about Yennefer, but she is striking in a way that still seems human to him. It makes him assume she must not have had to do much or anything at all to her appearance.

That last part makes Kahlil laugh.

"The Singularity does seem to have certain preferences with us. Have you seen how many good-looking young men are running around the castle? And all the redheads..."

More than the average number in any given population.

He shakes his head though, still smiling but a bit wistfully now. His appearance is a complicated thing for reasons that he doesn't like talking about. Nowadays, generally, his ego enjoys the compliments.

"It was part of my job not to stand out too much."

Underneath Istredd's serious exterior lies a dry sense of humor and some genuine warmth that's simply suppressed due to his natural reserve. But it comes out when he starts to open up to people. Laughs are very rare from him though.

"You're all too young for me," he says, deadpan. It is not the truth as many of the other Thorne Summoned are far older than they look. The median age is high. "Of course Lucifer is billions of years older than me, so you could say he's a cradle robber." This may be the most deliberate he's been in indicating his relationship with Lucifer, but it is in part because the official aspect is brand new. Not that outwardly much has seemed to change about them at all.

"I did notice the redheads though." Hard to miss. Hair that bright, and there are so many of them. "Also a lot of silver or white-haired people who aren't actually old." Thancred, Urianger, and Dante as examples right in this castle.

"I should think so, spies are supposed to be secretive." Kyle's never told him that's what he is, but Istredd guessed.

He raises an eyebrow at cradle robber, letting out a surprised huff.

"Please tell me you've told him that."

It shouldn't be funny, considering what Lucifer is and what he's capable of. And yet...

At spies he tips his head, like an acknowledgement.

"I was something like a bodyguard for much longer than I was just a spy." he admits, and this sounds wistful too. It probably would sound creepy to others, but he enjoyed his time watching John. A beat, and he looks ahead, focusing on the street ahead. "But you're right. It's best not to have a memorable face. Or to be quick about the killing."

He doesn't know if Istredd suspected this part, too. But with all of the confessing he's doing lately, and after everything they all went through, it's best to not play guessing games now.

"I haven't, but I should, it would make him laugh."

Lucifer and his brothers don't act their age, in Istredd's opinion. It's probably because angel lifespans are so long that it's possible as old as they are, they're equivalent to teenagers or young adults still. He would consider Michael the most 'mature' but it doesn't stop him from getting sucked into sibling arguments at every turn.

"It sounds like you preferred that." The bodyguarding to the spy, just from observation of his tone. Maybe he liked the companionship. Istredd either would be a great spy or a terrible one. Terrible because he's not good at remembering to keep secrets, great because he is very easy to overlook being a bookish historian. It would be a decent cover.

He did suspect that part which is why he doesn't look surprised, but he also isn't judgmental. He's from a dark sphere, assassins and spies are a normal part of life if you're trained in power and politics. "I've never killed anyone directly." This is assuming people have died because of him, or in the pit when he wasn't fast enough or caused things to happen. "But I was trained thoroughly for it."

Kahlil gives Istredd an odd look, but maybe coming from him it would make Lucifer laugh. It's just hard for him to imagine any laugh of Lucifer's that isn't violently condescending. It's kind of his specialty.

"It was a service I was chosen for. It was something I was proud of."

So much so that it is still most of his identity, even after his failure.

They're getting close to the bookshop, which means dissipating the soundproofing soon.

"Many of us have that in common, I've found," he frowns for a moment. Taken as children, trained for a service and violence: Kahlil himself, Geralt, Istredd. Yennefer too, by Istredd's description of his world. He jokes about redheads, but he sees patterns everywhere.

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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