Cassian Andor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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abraxaslogs2024-09-05 03:27 pm
diametrically) wrote in abraxaslogs2024-09-05 03:27 pm
diametrically) wrote in abraxaslogs2024-09-05 03:27 pm
— river 🌌 castle thorne, backdated to august
He's under no disillusion that it makes him unpleasant company to be with as a result. An already quiet demeanour turns heavy and morse and sleep eludes him. The only saving grace to all of this is that Merrin has seemingly returned home which means their once shared room is now vacant save for an angry kitten and his ghosts.
Cassian doesn't particularly believe in ghosts. But what else could they be if not that? Why else would he wake in a sweat every time he finally drifts off to sleep only to be woken a moment later with visions of his loved ones burned into the back of his eyes, filling every corner of the room?
Tonight he wakes with a shout calling out Maarva's name, sending Bob Cat hissing and spitting off of his place at the foot of his bed and right towards the small lump sleeping in the bed across from him. It occurs to him that River had opted to sleep in his room this evening and he hopes that he hadn't woken her. But that's probably wishful thinking and a fleeting thought as he curls into a ball in an attempt to steady his breathing and stop himself from shaking. ]
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it's been eating him alive from the inside and tonight, it burns through them both as river abruptly sits up in her bed and shouts at the same time that cassian cries maarva's name. ]
Go!
[ her eyes are wide and unseeing, somewhere in that halfway lucid state of dreaming as more words spill out of her. ]
Go on, I want you to go - want you to go on.
[ her heart races and awareness comes to her slowly, mostly in the form of bob cat climbing into her lap in active disregard of her elevated state. she feels soft fur beneath her fingertips and remembers whose room she's in, whose dreams she was having, and then river finally turns to the other bed in the room. ]
Kassa? [ a beat later, with maarva's image on her mind and the name she gave him - ] Cassian?
[ she knows he's awake but she doesn't leave her bed, staring at the back of the curled up ball in his bed instead as she wonders if he would consider this memory of his mother a dream or a nightmare. ]
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There's a beat where he doesn't reply, drawing in a haggard breath instead in an attempt to steady his voice. In his head he tells himself it's fine. It's just a dream and nothing more. An unpleasant one, but a dream nonetheless. This world and its gods wouldn't trick him into believing that Maarva had died any other way than peacefully after one act of defiance. ]
I'm okay. Sorry. Go back to sleep.
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river stares at his back for a long moment, steadying her and breath and waiting for the light to fade from her veins. a trait they now share, connected across the infinite cosmos and distant galaxies and the distance between two beds. she doesn't give him any warning before crossing the dorm room to place a reluctant bob cat directly on top of where cassian is curled up beneath the blankets. the cat gives a low noise of discontent until river lays down too, at which point he eagerly settles into the scant space between them.
the beds provided by the castle aren't overly large and maybe she's too old to be doing something as childish as crawling into someone else's bed after a bad dream. but river has always seemed younger than she really is and this is what she would do with simon, sometimes, when the nightmares are at their worst.
she didn't get permission and she'll leave if he wants her to, but instead, river stares at the back of cassian's head and asks: ]
What did she do to help, when you had bad dreams?
[ tonight, he cried out for his mother and woke up in a castle far away from home, with a sister that is not his curled up beside him. what was it like for him as a child, to wake up in another world where all he had was maarva? ]
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And yet that couldn't be further from the truth right now. He doesn't want River to know that something like this could so easily break him. Not when he's vowed to be there for her. All the same, the warmth of both Bob Cat and River is comforting and he can't bring himself to send her back to bed or continue to lie to her that he's okay. His own reaction is enough of an indicator of how much it had shaken him along with the erratic pulse of starlight that glows from underneath his skin. ]
She held me. Told me stories.
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tonight, there's a scream in his chest and he's bleeding starlight. hopefully this is enough.
she closes her eyes, listens to his thoughts and his heartbeat, and tries to press as much of a sense of safe and family as she can into that space between his shoulder blades. ]
What kind of stories? Which one was your favorite?
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But he isn't a god. No matter what Zorne says, he refuses to be anything but himself.
As his eyes flutter shut he draws another ragged breath, River's question prompting thoughts of a much younger version of himself waking in the night because of terrors and the unknown of this new planet. Of Maarva coming to his bedside, with the shadowy figure of Clem hovering in the doorway to his bedroom ready to go make him a warm drink. ]
Fairy tales. Stories about their lives before they found me. She and Clem were salvagers and she told me about narrow escapes, about planets that I had never seen. They were stories about adventure.
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as he speaks, she tries to catch onto the warm emotions that linger in his memories to pull them a little closer, to wrap him up in a blanket of something softer than his nightmares. thoughts of his mother, his father - eyes still closed, she smiles faintly. ]
Got adventuring in your blood.
[ she knows they didn't give birth to him but sometimes that's not what makes family. her magic is still trying to comfort him, trying to chase away his ghosts by looking in the other direction. they lived once too, didn't they? ]
Maarva. Clem. Bee, too? Were they pirates or treasure hunters?
[ what kind of fairy tales did they dream up to help their son make it through another night? river hopes that she can bring him back there again, just for a little while, until hopefully he can find rest again. ]
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He can hear the smile in River's voice and that for some reason also fills him with relief. As much as comfort from his memories and River's presence is beginning to warm his bones, it's a relief to know that this doesn't feel like a burden to her. ]
Bee too.
[ Bee had been there since the beginning. He had comforted Kassa, that little boy that had been whisked away from Kenari, as Clem and Maarva piloted their ship far away from the life he had known. ]
They were salvagers. [ The sound of affection fills his voice. ] But they sounded like treasure hunters to me. They travelled all over the galaxy to find unclaimed tech and bring it back to Ferrix. Clem resorted them. Maarva sold them.
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Lost treasure at the edge of the 'verse. QÃmià o.
[ her childish awe and the smile in her voice are completely genuine, and perhaps it's a reflection of what kassa might've felt as a boy hearing these stories for the first time. she can see it there in his memories and she tries to let him see it too, her magic bringing a clarity to his parents' faces and the sound of their voices, details that are harder to hold onto over time.
distantly, she's aware that this is something of a role reversal for them. the god andor was the only balm for serenity's madness, his touch and transference the only thing that could ground her when she was lost in the chaos.
it's nice to be able to help him, for once, instead of it always being the other way around. ]
Did you ever get to go with them?
cw allusion to death/execution
It hadn't taken him long to learn the sound of the lilt and awe in her voice were clear signs that he was successfully building a safe place for her away from the ghosts and demons that plague her. ]
Rarely and not when I was young.
[ His voice trails off, thinking about the times when a crew of four had dwindled down to a crew of three after Clem's death. For a brief moment the image of Clem's body hanging in Rix Road flashes through his mind before he chases it from his mind knowing full well that River can likely see them. It's not quite enough to shake the sadness that creeps into his voice. ]
Clem taught me how to clean and restore the parts they brought back. Everything had potential if you could look past the rust - that's what he believed.
[ Now that he's older he can understand that it was a metaphor for so life. As much as Clem had detested the presence of the Empire's rule, he had tried his best to keep the peace. He tried to make the best out of what they had, and that was their lives. Their safety. ]
cw: allusion to hanging
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there's just so much of it - all the things that have been taken from this man, from his sister to his name and everyone he's ever cared about, anywhere he may have ever called home. a chill creeps over her and she can't help shivering; it was so cold that day, ice on the ground and in their hearts as the empire took one more petty victory.Â
her eyes sting with tears she doesn't think he'd want to shed for himself. she was looking for brighter things on a night that was already blanketed in sadness, and she's not ready to let go yet. her hand stays clenched in his shirt and she squeezes her eyes shut as she reaches in deep, trying to pull a better image of clem to the surface of cassian's thoughts. his smile, the sound of his voice, his hands covered in grease and dirt from a hard day's work. the love and affection in his eyes when he looked at his wife and the boy he would call his son.Â
river stares at the back of his head now, a boy that is still lost in the woods long after being taken far away from kenari, and she wonders. ]
Do you believe it too?
[ they're both broken and battered creatures haunted by their mistakes and the cruelty of the worlds they live in. is there still something worthwhile beneath the rust? or will they always be having the same nightmares of death and despair? ]
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And for that reason he slowly shifts, daring to draw his arms around her to hold her in the way that she had been holding onto him in the hopes that it would provide an ounce of the warmth she had provided him. His hand comes to the back of her head, gently resting there. ]
I try to.
[ Cassian had seen so much deplorable behaviour, so much disregard for human life, that some days it's hard to wash the bitter taste from his mouth. But he isn't innocent from that. There's blood that stains his hands too. Thoughts of Skeen trying to cut him in on a deal as Nemik lay dying on an operating table swim to the surface and the rising bile of anger that had risen in his wake. How he'd had no hesitation and little regret about his choice to shoot him then and there. Does that make him any better? If red and rust stains his hands is he deserving of potential? Of a tomorrow that is better than the ones that they're told will be as good as it gets? ]
If I want to see a better world [ For Kerri, for Brasso, for Bix and everyone else that still lived in his galaxy - ] then I have to believe that there's something worth saving.
[ It was the same here. ]
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she wishes she didn't know, that she could give him his privacy and stop dredging up all of the things he tries to keep hidden. but she can't stop it, and it's always like this.
he thinks of the people he's harmed in the same breath as the people he loves, viewing them as near concentric circles more often than not - and he holds himself far off the distance, always thinking of himself last, as the least deserving of the life he wants for everyone else. river has felt his anger and guilt and fear every day that she's known him, and she wonders about the strength it takes to carry a heart so heavy.
she's quiet for a moment before she speaks again to ask a question she isn't sure ought to be asked. but she wants to know. even if he doesn't have the words to answer it out loud, she wants to hear it in his chest as she leans into him. ]
Did they save you?
[ kerri or brasso or bix, or maarva and clem as they spirited him away from kenari. the people that gave him a life, or that give him a reason to keep living. isn't he worth saving too? ]
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Truthfully a part of him balks at the thought of someone - anyone - saving him. He has never considered himself a victim. Even faced with all the injustices that have happened to him from Kenari to Ferrix to Narkina 5 and now here, "saving" implies that he doesn't have the strength or ability to do it himself. That he can't protect those that are in worse situations than him.
It isn't a competition. But he feels responsible somehow. And if the Empire, who are really the ones at fault here, won't ever take accountability for it and make amends, then he'll help force their hand. He'll help dismantle them from the inside out.
Because in truth, they had all saved him. Saved him from the anger that still stirred deep in his veins. From dying on a planet in the Mid Rim. From a loneliness in missing a sister that he's still looking for that could have broken him were it not mended in the form of found family. How else could he ever repay them?
His voice quiets. ]
They give me a reason to keep going. So in a way they did save me. Every single one of them. And I've repaid them by being taken here. By running away again.
pls... forgive me for this......
river still isn't consciously aware of doing it; she just wants so desperately for cassian to see his life from a different perspective, when his vision is always so clouded by these negative emotions. he does it again, spiraling into guilt the moment he admits that there are people that have saved his life. she wants to take it all away so he can see clearly, even if only for a moment - so she does.
all of his anger and hatred, so much of it directed at himself more than the empire; his sadness and his guilt, the feelings of failure or inadequacy. she pulls them back and away to release his blinders, then creates a zone of truth within the space of the bedroom that compels him toward honesty. not just in the sense of preventing lies but also seeing truth, granting clarity without the pollution of emotion.
like watching from a corner of the room ( or the other side of a screen ) rather than through his own eyes, he'll see brief flashes of any memories that come to mind for the rest of their conversation. she wants him to see himself from the other side, through the eyes of those that perceive him rather than the way he perceives himself - those that love him, that care about him, that want to save him from this world and from himself -
she wants him to see. all of it, everything he tries to look away from, the things he tries to reject outright because they're too scary for him to face. she wants him to be brave enough to face it all directly, and so for a moment, serenity is the one that addresses him. it's hard to say if her voice is in the room or in his head, that way of speaking without moving her lips while being heard as clearly as a bell ringing in their ears. it's all magic; an enchantment to make him look inward as she speaks directly to his heart with her forehead pressed to his chest. ]
"Taken" isn't the same as "running away." You can be kept in a box and spend every day wishing to see the outside of it without bearing the blame of the one that keeps you.
[ it's not your fault, being trapped here - the same way he was trapped on narkina 5 when maarva died, held under false pretenses when there were so many other legitimate things he could have been imprisoned for. they stole people, tortured them and forced them into servitude; he was the one that sparked a rebellion and led them to freedom, yet she knows he still carries guilt and regret for not being there in her final moments. there's no way to know if he would've gone back to ferrix eventually if he weren't imprisoned, but that's not the point. he's just as trapped in abraxas now, only there's no riot or revolt that can free them. the objective truth is that he does not have any choice in the matter. it's not his fault. ]
They say that we're taken from a point in time, that we'll return to that point when we slip into the Black as though we never left in the first place. They won't realize you were gone and you won't remember you were here.
[ all the people he's missing, the people that are waiting for him to return are all still there, exactly where he left them. like a movie that's been paused indefinitely, the characters frozen in place and incapable of movement or thought or judgment for his supposed absence from the scene.Â
on the other side of it all, his entire life here in abraxas, everything he's experienced and the connections he's forged - one day, it'll all be gone, a dream he won't remember. he'll forget this; he'll forget her. river has despaired at the thought for as long as she's known, a block of ice in her heart that says none of it means a damn thing even as she desperately clings to the people she has come to treasure in this world. ]
We're living on stolen time. It's not ours to keep. But every day, Kassa, every single day, you think about them. You see ghosts everywhere you look and you gasp for breath like the Empire still has its boot on your neck.
[ the mirrors. the nightmares. the dream, even, that emergent reality where he spent close to a millenia incapable of stopping or slowing down, endlessly sacrificing himself in pursuit of justice even though it's impossible to eradicate suffering. he won't let himself breathe, even for a moment. instead, he spends his days thinking about everything he's done wrong, everything there is still left to do, never stopping to recognize what's right in front of him. ]
They're not here. But neither are you. You never left that world. You brought it here with you and you're still living in it now. Every single day, and not once have you let go or left any of it behind. You're not running away, gēgē. You're drowning in it, and you won't let anyone save you because you don't think you deserve to be saved. You make us watch as you sink to the bottom of the ocean or scatter to the wind.
[ whether it's maarva trying to protect her son, brasso and bix doing yet another favor for a friend, all the people in abraxas that still know him as 'alyx' or the centuries that river spent chasing down his stardust. he keeps himself at arm's length from everyone around him and refuses to accept their help. all they can do is watch as he spirals. they love him, worry for him, and they live with the constant rejection of his refusal to stay by their side. he always has one foot out the door, ready to leave them all behind. ]
You're living half a life, in this 'verse or any other. Whether it's Kassa or Cassian Jeron Andor or Alyx Halcorr doesn't really matter. All they want is to see you happy. Their greatest treasure, lost at the edge of the galaxy. Look past the rust and you'll find love, just waiting for you to believe that you deserve it.
[ and then at last, he'll see flashes of the people that matter most to him, in moments of them smiling or laughing or holding him close, a hug or a handshake or simply being beside him in his darkest hours. she wants him to see the love in his life without filtering it through his own biases and self-criticism. just the honest truth: he is loved. whatever else can be said of his lifetime, of his failures and mistakes, the hurt he's experienced or caused - there are people that know it all and love him anyway, and he can't take that away from them. he just has to accept it. ]
i love this sm and ilu so much OKAY
Brown eyes give way to black, fathomless voids that swirl with stardust and limitless possibility at the end of their dream. For a moment that feels like it spans an eternity he is lifted above the crippling guilt that weighs heavy on his shoulders. River's voice plays like an overlay over the moments of his life that have led him to this moment. And while all of those moments have been turned over in his mind over and over again like a wound he refuses to let heal this time he's dull to the pain of a life lived, of mistakes made, of loved ones lost.
He feels outside his body. The only certain thing tethering him here to this bed and this room is the warm weight of River's forehead against her chest and the words she weaves around his heart. Though gentle they are said with such conviction and force that it makes it impossible for him to object no matter how much he wants to. Cassian wants to tell her that he isn't drowning. He has never thought himself of drowning because he can swim. He's always survived, just like how he's been fine with just well enough. Even with his tank on empty he has gone on and found a way to make things work because there had been no other choice.
Who would look after Maarva after Clem was gone? Who would earn the credits for her medication? Who would fix Bee when his routers and wheels were jammed? Who made sure to watch Bix and Brasso's backs when they were so busy looking after everyone else? Who would search for Kerri when no one else remembered her except him?
That he is stuck in limbo, like a man lost in time and space, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter that the fault does not lie with him or that time would march on the moment he returned to his galaxy. It is unforgivable because now he's lived a life here, forged connections with others lost in time and space and he cares. He cares so deeply for the faces that River's magic manifests in his mind's eye that a part of him will always remember them even when they find a way home. How dare they do this to them all?
It's impossible to think of those things however. To think of the end when River's magic gently and firmly shakes the guilt, the sorrow, and the anger away, burning it off until nothing else remains but love. Because what is worry if not that? Love persists in spite of it all. A lump begins to form in his throat and his grip around her tightens as the last of the magic and faces loosen their grip on his heart. Black gives way to brown eyes as a soft, dim glow begins to pulse from his veins. There's a dampness at the corners of his eyes but it's not clear he realizes it himself as he presses his face to her hair.
Moments pass in silence as the weight of River's words settle on his heart. Hard truths are difficult things to accept overnight let alone in a moment but he knows that she's right. ]
I don't think I deserve it. But I can work on accepting it. For them. For you.
[ Gently he presses a kiss to her hair mingled with the taste of salt, stardust and words of affection that he can't bring himself to say. ]
Thank you, mèi mei.