shadowthief: (You're serious)
Inej Ghafa ([personal profile] shadowthief) wrote in [community profile] abraxaslogs2022-08-11 04:13 pm

{The silhouette against the wall

Who: Inej + Various
When: Month of August
Where: Cadens + the Horizon
What: Various closed threads
Warnings: Things that might come up in Inej's narration are: stealing; murder; descriptions of touch aversion, anxiety, depression, PTSD; heavy trust issues, paranoia; mentions of past instances of prostitution, slavery, sexual assault. Everything will be clearly marked if-when it comes up.

Shifting through the dark
Lit up by the white moon

bealufull: (FC_06)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-12 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
If there's one thing that Kaz had forgotten in the last decade or so it was how much there is to learn about a new city. He'd been a fixture of the Barrel for so long, it's something he hasn't thought about.

So each day is spent getting to know the natives, the other Summoned, and considering how he might start working on their future here. Because despite Inej's comment about his not needing to Dirtyhands, he knows he needs to face that he needs something to do, something to focus on for the future.

But they're long days and Inej was not behind the bar when he came through. Pausing at the door to set his cane into a notch in the wall by the door as he closes the door behind him. He stands there for a moment, quiet and unmoving before his lips curl, barely, in the tiniest of looks that is, for him, a smile.

"You know you needn't wait there for me, Wraith. You could even come inside," he teases.
bealufull: (FC_24)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-14 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
It feels familiar, almost comfortable even though nothing in the Barrel is ever truly comfortable. No more than here either. Nothing here is comfortable, or normal. Everything here is a strange, a start that is off center and brings with it talk of war and magic acts that Kaz isn't sure what to think about.

But this, right here, with Inej, it's familiar and more comfortable than anything he's experienced the entire time he's been in this place.

"I can understand that. A need for what's familiar," he adds, there with his cane and his gloves and all that he needs here to feel himself. "Though isn't this at odds with not being who we were?"

He's curious more than accusatory, especially since learning that Jesper had told her much the same thing that she had told Kaz.
bealufull: (FC_142)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-17 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)
He's had time to think since he arrived. About this place. About what the future truly was for him back in Ketterdam and what his future might hold for him here instead. He imagines it might well have been an entirely different thing had he arrived here without finding Jesper or the woman perched on his window sill.

He approaches not with caution but consideration as he leaves his jacket across the back of a chair, careful so there's no wrinkles and then, after pausing a moment, he begins to peel off his gloves.

It's a consideration, a show that he is thinking about her words on more than a superficial level. Perhaps he will never be comfortable with contact from others but with her, he could offer this if nothing else as he lays the gloves against the coat.

"What if those changes do change what we are? To one another?"

It's something he's thought about since their first talk in this place. When she, and then Jesper, had told him he could leave Dirtyhands behind. What if he did and the person he is without that is not the person they've known or cared for?
bealufull: (FC_150)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-19 01:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Opening up to others has never been easy for Kaz. The relationship he has with Inej, and Jesper as well, is the closest he has ever been with others since he lost his brother. He knows they're aware of that which makes it harder some times than he would like to admit. Such as being open about his concerns, rather than just burying them and agreeing though he hasn't a clue how to act on them.

It isn't an insult even asking that, as easy as he is to cutting people with words as if they were a blade he wielded for defense. Yet his words often are his first weapon of defense, this is something worse in his mind. Vulnerability.

He hates it. Hates the way it feels, to be as open to others as if he were stripped down to nothing. Hates how it makes him feel emotions he would deny he was even capable of. He's lived so long as a barrel rat that even with two people beside him he knows have followed him literally into Hell and they brought one another back out. Being known by them shouldn't be a fear he has.

And yet there it is.

But he knows it is, in part, to the reality that their paths were never meant to cross and he embraced who he is while she did what she had to. At least in his mind.

"You believe that, and I believe you," he says, knowing she means every word she says. As things stand now. "And even if you use my words against me," he says, giving her a look with an arched brow. "They brought us here to fight a war despite the friends you've both made and all that is offered by those in this building and all. It will come whether we agree to fight for them or not. I don't think either of us will wholly get a chance to leave who we've been behind," he notes, giving voice to the thoughts that have plagued him since the day he arrived.

"I wish I could say I didn't think so, for both you and Jesper, but I sadly don't think it will be."

Of course, he's not thinking of ways he could be part of protecting them when that did happen and not be the bastard he's been. Extremes and all of that.

He steps in closer to her, his gaze intense and his step almost careful.

"That ruthlessness and skill that earned me that name might well be needed here. For all of our sake."

bealufull: (FC_98)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-25 01:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Whatever he is expecting in that moment, it isn't that she becomes angry with him that he just states why he isn't certain about stripping away the dangerous man he's been. Even if he ignores his fear in doing so, for his own reasons, he certainly hadn't said that.

"I never insinuated that," he snaps back, and yet he doesn't move. Not in the least as she storms up to him. Not that he doesn't know how dangerous that fury from her is, but because he doesn't know how to back down. It isn't in him, no matter who he is seen as by others.

"No one is asking you to like it. No one is asking you to want to be at war. I didn't put you here though, or put you in that position and I won't be punished for it because I worry for you and Jesper in this place. Or that I will do whatever I have to, be whoever is required, to do so."

He speaks in a soft, steady voice, his gaze hard as steel as it meets her own.

"I don't want you to live it. Not any of it. I chose my path a long time ago, Inej. You were forced on yours. If this place lets you leave that path, then good."

Ignoring that he'd had little choice in it as well, but claiming that as he always had. The boy he had been died and was shoved on a barge of the dead. The man he is was born in the Barrel, from it's dirt and grime and greed and pain. He's not sure he could be someone else, whereas Inej and Jesper have always been others who adopted the shroud of the place. They were good at it, some of the best, but it wasn't their blood like it was his.

And he knows that, knows what separates him and why he isn't sure he can be who they want him to be. Worse, that they might need him to be someone he can't.

But he can't admit those fears, isn't sure how to open up like that and so when it becomes this, he isn't surprised.
bealufull: (Default)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-08-29 04:47 pm (UTC)(link)
It shouldn't feel good to get these emotions out, the sides of him that he has had little place for since he was pulled from the water - where the very first of his anger in this place had begun. And yet this isn't his target, but had they ever been when these moments had happened?

But maybe this is what they both needed. After all they had been through back in their own lands, and all that this place represented and had taken. He is quite aware there are six months or more of her - and Jesper's - life where he wasn't part of it. Couldn't be. Was cut off from them and he blames this place for that. Even if they had been off living their own lives, he wasn't cut from theirs until here.

It isn't the way she shifts though that hurts him, that makes his heart hurt as it seemingly loses its rhythm. It's those words.

For a moment he regrets taking off his gloves. It would be easier for him to do this without the contact, with being able to wholly put her first rather than his own troubles. And yet, maybe this is what he needs to do so he can push past that.

One hand curves to her shoulder, offering the support he can physically. Even offering an opening for her to come closer. He's not sure how to even handle it, but he wants the offer there.

But then his bare hand cups her chin, ensuring her gaze is on him. Offering both touch and his pale gaze as he stares into her eyes. "No matter what our paths are in the world? You and I will always share a path, Inej. You knew that when you went off to hunt slave traders, didn't you?" He assumes she did. Even if he had worried before, if she's asking it here then she must have thought that back home. "Why then would anything be different here?"
bealufull: (Default)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-09-15 12:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Jesper could not say when she had become so much a part of his life, just that she was. Just as he was part of hers. Of course there had been anxiousness in giving her that ship, but if he couldn't let her free, trusting she would return, then was he any better than anyone else in her life had been?

Maybe there hadn't been as much choice here but they had been apart and yet came back together in the end. And yet, as she admits that fear, he knows he can't blame her. When has she ever seen him need anyone? Seen him keep someone around who had lost their usefulness to him. He is cutthroat and ruthless and everyone knows that. Even he knows that. He has to be.

And yet in that moment he realizes that, in part, this is what is meant about being able to leave Dirtyhands behind. Maybe not all of him, but there are parts he won't need. Doesn't want even.

"Inej."

He says her name softly but deliberately. Even as he slides his arms around her. It's almost easier, the material of his shirt a barrier once more, her face pressed close but there's that slip of fabric that makes it easier for him. He's getting better but he might not never be fully healed.

So he holds her like that, his hand stroking along the length of her spine.

"Your worth is in a million things that have nothing to do with the Wraith." And a million more that do but that doesn't matter now. "You be who you want to be, and trust that I will always be there with you. You're not losing me. Not unless you walk away."

He chuckles, little more than his chest moving with little sound.

"Have you ever known of me to let go of anything that is my own without a fight?" And she is most certainly his. At least in his mind.

bealufull: (TssDGMt)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-09-23 11:52 am (UTC)(link)
If Kaz were to take time to think about it, he would be proud of himself. Proud to not flinch away from contact. Proud to know he is perhaps capable of offering Inej things she needs.

But in that moment he isn't thinking about that. He's thinking about those feelings he had when he gave Inej all she wanted and accepted it might mean never seeing her again. He's thinking about her thinking all she offers him is being the Wraith and while that has been his greatest asset for the longest time, it is not the be all, end all of what she offers. Not even close.

Tenderly he strokes his hand over her back, even when she tilts back slightly to look up at him. Then his own words are being thrown back at him and, for a moment, he tenses. Gaze flickering over her face, taking in everything about her in a moment to try and determine how badly she might have taken those words.

"Kaz Brekker always knows who is worth putting everything on the line for," he says, and then, if she had been listening to his heart, she might well have heard the way it surges, even as his pale gaze holds her own.
bealufull: (FC_17)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-10-03 02:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Never in his life has Kaz shared a moment like this with another. He isn't sure what to make of it, that part of him that is scared of physical touch screaming to draw back and yet his heart is saying anything but. He has a moment to be close to her, to offer comfort and truth all in one and he's willing to take that chance. Even if he feels somehow pale and flushed at the same time.

And already his mind is wondering how stupid he is in saying that. Maybe she wanted that distance, that ability to walk away from the Wraith and, in the end, him. But then she says what she does and he draws a breath that feels too cold for his lungs. Like the bitter air of the North but all because he is as flushed as he is, his heart racing in ways it rarely does. Kaz is a master of himself first and foremost and yet this is untried waters and he isn't sure of his ability to swim in them.

Quiet a moment, considering his words in that moment. He's opened up to her physically in that touch they're sharing, and he knows, if they're to go forward, it isn't the only way he'll have to open up to her.

"That night... It was the most frightened I have ever been since I took the name Kaz Brekker," he admits, his words soft and falling into an odd cadence as he forces them out. They're not easy for him but they're important for him to say. "I never take chances without knowing the odds and being sure the outcome. I've never had that with you, never been certain what my chances were, but you have always been worth the risk. Even when you do things that make me utterly and completely furious with you. Even if you ever chose to walk away from it all. You have always been worth the risk."

They may not be romantic words, but for Kaz Brekker they are heartfelt and honest and admitting more than he would to anyone else and therefore the most romantic of all.
bealufull: (FC_42)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-10-04 10:06 pm (UTC)(link)
For so many years, Kaz has made the world believe he takes chances. None of them are more than calculated risks after planning and information gathering. Perhaps he could say the same about this moment with Inej. They've grown closer over the years, becoming more intimate in ways that he allowed.

And she had let him have things his way. She had never taken more than he offered and somehow that had been enough.

But it wasn't even enough for him any longer. He had taken small steps, showing her that she is important to him, that he has feelings for her that he's never hidden but not truly known how to express. Yet then he had offered touches of his bare hands with her. Soft touches and admissions he's never made.

Like in this moment.

Those words are more than he's ever offered another, never wanted to offer to many and only in the last few years and those he's kept close to him. Maybe he should have expected that kiss, but he didn't. Even as she leans up on her toes, moves in closer to him.

The brush of her lips is soft and tender. It's everything he's ever thought about, not let himself daydream about, and something he'd never thought might ever happen. Yet the reality was nothing like the fantasy in his head in the dark hours. It was magical and delicious... and positively shocking in ways he can't control.

His heart races, the world goes grey and stars sparkle along the edge of his vision and then everything goes black as he crumples to the floor at her feet.
itookashot: (KY_194)

[personal profile] itookashot 2022-10-04 11:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Jesper's down in the basement stacking shelves for Mags when he sees the message and raises an eyebrow. But of course, it's his people so he doesn't hesitate, taking the stairs two at a time to get there quickly. His eyes widen when he sees them both down and rushes, concerned at once.

"Saints! What happened?" She doesn't seem panicked but he is certainly going to panic. Kaz is passed out? On top of her? Jesper reaches down to grab their fearless leader by the arm and hefts him up. It's probably a good thing he is passed out as he wouldn't probably like so much contact as Jesper doesn't really think about it. Since he has no idea what even happened, he just wants to get him off Inej.

Jesper is not so strong that it's easy to drag Kaz's whole body off her, so he can't pick him up bridal style, but he can drag them over to the bed and put Kaz onto it. And again, luckily Kaz is passed out, because Jesper's instinct is to touch his face, patting it. "Kaz? The fuck?"
bealufull: (FC_04)

[personal profile] bealufull 2022-10-05 01:09 am (UTC)(link)
The last thing Kaz wanted to do in that moment was pass out. It isn't as if he hadn't thought of overcoming his trauma enough to be able to kiss someone. At least her, because he's come to know in the last year or so that there's at least one person he'd actually want to have physical contact with. Maybe if he had prepared. Maybe if he had thought about it more.

Maybe if he hadn't made an utterly and complete fool of himself.

In that moment he comes to there's a split second thought, a panic of not knowing where he is or what had happened.

And then wishing he could forget.

"I'm fine. Stop hovering," he mutters, flopping back onto the bed and covering his eyes with his arm.
itookashot: (KY_145)

[personal profile] itookashot 2022-10-05 02:33 am (UTC)(link)
Jesper looks at her, shocked, absolutely shocked. And then, after a moment, it's Jesper, so he grins. "Damn, Inej, you can knock a man out with a kiss?" He's the worst, the absolute worst, please don't in any way encourage him. "It's probably worth--- shit."

He jumps when Kaz comes to and moves, having not even noticed that their boss was awake again. He does not want to be caught talking about how Inej's kiss was worth it! Also almost flirting with her! When Kaz is awake!

"S'okay, Kaz, we've all been there." Jesper has kissed someone and promptly passed out. Usually after something more than kissing and/or liquor, but the point is, he's trying to be supportive. He reaches down, intending to try and make it light by patting Kaz on the head, literally thinking nothing more of it. Someone stop him.

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