abraxaslogs | I know it sounds impossible

He sort of gets it, he thinks. Of course Jayce doesn't want to be shutting down at a time like this. Clearly this is something he can't control. Still, Viktor can't help but boggle about Jayce's ability to make this about him, and his shortcomings, when the actual task they were given at the party is so far from his mind. Who cares who did or didn't activate their device? That had no bearing on what Thorne chose to do. That's what Viktor is angry about.

"I like you exactly as you are," he says, and there's an edge to his voice that indicates he is not necessarily willing to entertain another referendum on Jayce's flaws, not when everything that's happened is so much bigger than the both of them.

Still, he continues to offer Jayce physical comfort, the grounding action of running fingers through his hair, even as his tone betrays his anger.

"I'm not going to let you sit here and blame yourself for something that isn't about you in the least. We have work to do."

Jayce struggles to find the words to explain because he is so tired, his feelings are being locked up tightly, and he knows it'll break apart soon. He doesn't even flinch from Viktor's anger, wondering if he should just shut his eyes and go to sleep. His brain is foggy. He focuses, tries to focus, takes Viktor's other hand in his.

"It's not about the bug," he manages to say. Yes, he hates himself because of the bug, but if it was about him hating himself, it would just be another day. Jayce's self-hatred is a pretty regular concern, but he does not go into a fetal position because of it. That's what the rage room is for.

"Do you remember my nightmare, when it was repeating?" Okay that forms in his mind and he is relieved because he thinks it could make sense. He feels like he is swimming closer to it. Almost there. "I got stuck. I'm stuck. It's repeating, all of the things are repeating. The bridge, the factory, my mother lying in the snow, I couldn't make it stop so I stopped." Does that make sense? It's as much sense as he is going to make right then. "I need time to make it stop, you don't have to stay."

Viktor is pretty sure it's at least partially about the bug, but Jayce elaborates further and it starts to make sense. He's still uncertain of what he can do, but for now it seems that simply being here with him is enough, even as Jayce does his best to resist any affirmation that being here is what Viktor wants.

"I want to stay." He's not sure how he can make that more clear, and of course it hurts to know that Jayce thinks he's some kind of burden, especially in the face of Viktor's own problems. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I'm going to stay."

None of this is something that he can fix, he thinks, but at the very least, Jayce shouldn't have to go through it alone.

"You are a good boyfriend. I'm going to try."

Try to wake up, he means. Honestly Jayce doesn't know how it happened or how to stop it. It doesn't make logical sense, he knows that much, so much of it is him guessing and reacting emotionally. There aren't words he has for what this is. But if he is going to be a good boyfriend too, he has to force himself out of it.

Jayce lets the soothing brush of Viktor's fingers grounds him. He breathes slowly but calmly. He opens his eyes to look at the room, their apartment, their bed. So he knows where he is and that it's real, this is what's real, not his memories. The cold is in his head, his mother is alive, Viktor is warm. He can hear commotion outside because obviously it's tense and a lot is going on. That could be disturbing, but at least it's real.

Details fill in around them and he focuses on his satchel. Bigger on the inside. He knows there are books in it, two from Kell, he has to work on enchantments. He's going to make them for Geralt. He flinches, Geralt reminds him of Jaskier, but that's fine, it's for Ciri too. He pictures the covers of the books and he had flipped through them already. By the time he thought about what spells he would need, the room is the room again.

He sits up abruptly, his head swimming but this time with emotions he'd been ignoring, and Jayce stands up, before his stomach roils.

"I think I might be sick." He definitely feels a little nauseated right then but he is better at it now and swallows it down. Thinking about the bridge is definitely going to make that happen, so he doesn't think about it. "Fuck." He feels the horror more than the anger right now.

"We have to go to Libertas."

"Okay. I'm not going anywhere."

Just in case Jayce needs the extra reassurance. Viktor waits patiently, combing fingers through his hair and watching him breathe. He still isn't sure what he's dealing with, exactly, but Viktor has seen this before--shellshocked Undercity denizens in the aftermath of a chemspill or a mine collapse. He hasn't exactly thought of Jayce's history as containing comparable traumas, but now that he thinks about it, of course it does. Watching the flames overtake Libertas surely must have set him off.

All he can really do is wait, providing as grounding a presence as he can until Jayce starts to shift on his lap and seems to come back to himself over the course of a few long moments. When the first thing he does is announce that he's going to be sick, Viktor withdraws his hands and recoils a little. Throwing up from anxiety is his job, thanks.

Jayce manages to hold it in, and the announces what they need to be doing, leaving Viktor looking a little bewildered. "Yes, Jayce. We need to go to Libertas--that's what I've been saying."

Despite how bizarre and unsettling it was, now that Jayce's brain has pieced itself together, he thinks it was probably for the best. Otherwise he might have gotten sick in front of everyone and struggled with a very public panic attack at a time when it would've been both embarrassing and alarming. He really didn't want to do something like that in front of everyone else, Jayce will always care about appearances a little bit.

The grim question is if there will be a Libertas for them to find, and he really has to hope so. Jayce will have to really steel himself for when they go so this doesn't freeze him again, there is no doubt that he will see some things that set him off, but being able to do something helps. They can't do anything now. He still feels that rush of helplessness.

"I know, love, I heard you. I agree."

He did hear it, he heard everything Viktor said, it was just very far away at the time. Jayce feels that instant surge of guilt when he realizes what Viktor just had to deal with, he's always afraid of being a burden. That guilt mixes with the guilt fixed on Jaskier, so it's no wonder his stomach feels uneasy.

"I'm really sorry about what happened, but I'm here now."

Jayce kind of hopes that he doesn't have to talk about it, it's not as if he has the answers. It's something that happened when he was younger and eventually he just stopped. He crosses to the satchel so he can take the books out and put them on the shelf, since thinking about them helped him focus. He avoids looking at Viktor, embarrassed already.

"They won't let us probably until they're sure if it's ground troops as well as an air attack, but there has to be relief work allowed soon."

Viktor still watches Jayce with some uncertainty, like he isn’t sure whether or not he’s fully snapped out of it. His touch lingers on his shoulder until Jayce is out of reach, and even then Viktor rises from the bed to stay in his space, hovering close to him until he’s sure the moment has passed.

“Don’t—don’t apologize.” He thinks he’s made it clear that Jayce doesn’t need to do that, especially not when they have other things to focus on and work to do. He doesn’t particularly care whether or not the government will let them go to Libertas—Viktor has never been one to follow the rules, when he knows the rules are wrong.

Now that Jayce seems to have returned to himself, Viktor wastes no time in making his feelings known, the anger creeping back into his voice.

“I don’t care whether or not they let us. There are people there who need our help. We need to be making preparations now.”

Jayce feels like it's better to brush by it at this point and if Viktor wants to do that too, good. It's really not that important in comparison. He will just have to find distractions when they get closer to the calamity, it's easier when he will be able to do something. He brushes his hands over his face again and through his hair, his heart racing, his mind racing. He isn't frozen again, he's just thinking.

"I'm confident they will ask us for help, they can't be stingy with volunteers." He wonders if there will be an undercurrent too of the Summoned being seen as to blame for not doing the bugs correctly. Which still hangs over him, no matter how he pretends otherwise. So requesting them to help is only fair, but they're going to be there anyway.

"What preparations are you thinking?" The satchel clear of Kell's books means that he can fill it soon with bandages, poultices, he'll have to ask Nadine about her thoughts. Jayce picks up his notepad and flips to a clean page, glancing over to Viktor and ready to write down their thoughts as they come. Sometimes that's how they did it in the lab, just throwing ideas and putting them on a blackboard.

Viktor isn’t going to let this go—he’ll want to talk about it later, but given the unprecedented situation, he needs to prioritize. It’s likely that they’ll be barred from going to Libertas right away, but that doesn’t mean they should sit idle. Luckily, Jayce’s moment seems to have passed and they can get to work, which is what Viktor always wants to be doing.

“It would be stupid of them to kidnap us here and refuse our help when it’s most needed.”

Now, with real war finally looming, Viktor is pessimistic about what the government wants from them. He’s glad, at least, that he hasn’t provided them with any innovations that will further the war effort, now that it seems to be a reality. Viktor is all business.

“We should contact Nadine. I imagine she’ll be assembling supplies. Any tools we can offer should be consolidated and prepared for transport.”

"My guess is they need to secure the area first and estimate the damage before allowing all the rescue and relief, and then they will."

It is exactly what Jayce himself would have recommended. And that is coming from someone who has never actually prepared or trained for this, but pure common sense. He was forced to become a strategist right away, and he probably would be very good at it given some time. He just didn't want this kind of experience again.

Jayce takes a moment to breathe in deeply and let it out. He is going to need to do that regularly over the next few days and weeks. "I guess it's a good thing I'm a well-trained healer and medic now." Nadine has more experience with emergency aid and the potion and poultice side, but he learned how to heal serious wounds for Viktor. And now it's going to be probably what he's actually needed for.

"I'm thinking we're going to need tools. If there's rubble and damaged buildings, shovels and crowbars will be necessary, maybe saws for the hospital." For something gruesome, but also, there are a lot of other uses. He has no doubt the military has their own collections, but it will be all hands on deck. Or it should be. Jayce writes down all of this, not that they need a list.

“Ridiculous. That we have so much to offer them and they would delay our arrival.”

But this is Viktor’s frustration talking. He knows, of course, that search and rescue efforts should be left to professionals, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to sit idle. That’s what makes him angriest—-feeling useless, unable to help the people who need it. Who knows how many will die before they allow the Summoned to bring their talents and technology to Libertas? Is it egotistical of him, to think that they’re uniquely positioned to help?

He’s so powerless. And this isn’t even touching on the fact that war will be unavoidable, now. Jayce starts to take notes and Viktor’s gaze lingers on him for a long moment. Foolish, to think that they could simply have each other, uncomplicated by politics and the threat of violence. Even here, it’s inescapable.

He wants to reach out and make contact. Stabilize himself. Viktor closes the distance and rests a hand on Jayce’s shoulder.

“If the Free Cities choose to retaliate, we need to prepare for that as well.”

Jayce doesn't say what he is thinking, which is that it's the right thing to do, for people who know the area and are trained in this to go in first. He assumes that intellectually Viktor knows that and he's just venting, which is perfectly reasonable. He is relieved when Viktor comes closer and touches him, it's always better when they have contact.

Jayce sets the notebook down and slips an arm around Viktor's waist, closing the space between them. He simply holds him for now, letting the intimacy curl around them and bring some comfort, even a small amount. They can't control the world around them and never could, but they still have each other. He cups Viktor's face and gently runs his thumb along the high cheekbone.

"They're going to, it's probably already been decided. They've been prepared for this a long time." Jayce has some guesses about what is going to happen next. Who knew he would end up with a good mind for these things? But he doesn't want to. He just wants to focus on what they can actually do.

"We can't do anything about that, but we will be able to do something about Libertas, V." They don't have any authority, any say over the military. Search and rescue is the only option in front of them.

“We need to decide what that means for us.”

They’ve been very careful, so far, only proposing and building equipment in line with what’s mostly available in Cadens, and taking steps to ensure anything they do build cannot be weaponized. Now that war seems imminent, Viktor thinks it’s only a matter of time before the government calls on the Summoned to fulfill what he assumes to be their purpose. For them, it likely means being made to build weapons.

Jayce’s touch, though grounding, does little to calm him. He tries, leaning in, stroking at Jayce’s hair, but he’s simply too angry.

“We’ll go to Libertas as soon as we’re able. Do what we can. Then what?”

"We've been careful, the only weapons they think we can make as of right now are blades, and any blacksmith can do that. We can play dumb."

Jayce and Viktor have consciously been making things that always stay under the radar as perhaps very inventive but generally reasonable items. He doubts that they will be in constant or high demand outside of possibly making blades, but Lee has more power and authority there than he does.

"But that can't be said about Sam's wings. It exposes all of us."

Which he has a feeling Sam will want to use for this. Jayce and Viktor have helped with the project but since it is technically Sam and Tony's end result, they don't have say over it. But Jayce wants it clear between the two of them that he thinks it's a mistake. They always knew it was possible they could be weaponized by Cadens but that's when war was still just a far away concept. And if they're capable of making those, they can make other things.

"Doing what we can isn't a one-and-done situation. They'll need long-term assistance, we can focus our energy on that." They are more capable than many about coming up with solutions once the search and rescue are done. It won't be the end. He kisses Viktor's forehead. "We can't stop them, V."

“Tony thinks it’s worth it,” he says, waving a hand dismissively, his tone of voice more-or-less saying it all. Viktor understands the inclination to use everything at their disposal to save as many lives as possible, but the trade off will be that the military will know about the wing technology, and stand to gain from it. That seems like a decision Tony is much better at navigating, given the fact that he used to build weapons himself, something Viktor still struggles with.

No, they can’t stop them. That’s always been true——it’s just staring them in the face, now. Viktor can’t even be comforted by physical affection, too wound up and angry about what he knows is coming.

“They’re going to force us, you know. To build weapons for them. That’s why we’re here, that’s—-that’s what this has always been about.”

And, once again, he’d been naive. Grown complacent. Thought, perhaps, that Thorne and the Free Cities would be too afraid of mutually-assured destruction.

"We'll see how worth it that will feel in a few months." That was always a risk when working on Sam's wings, they were exceptional but always possibly of interest to the military. Now they're in an actual war, it seems like a handing them an idea on a platter. If they don't confiscate the wings themselves, they'll just duplicate it. Jayce did build a weapon, a serious one. He'd destroy it right now if he could.

He cares about Sam though, and he's been in the military. He knows. Jayce is only bringing it up to Viktor because of how everyone involved with it might end being eyed by them. They've made themselves targets in a way. He isn't going to stand in their way, it's just on his mind.

"I know. And we're in a vulnerable position." He means them specifically. It would be very easy for the military to convince the academy that Viktor and Jayce's skills are better suited for helping them than finishing the Hexcore. Or support for the Hexcore will come at the end of a threat. Or maybe they will ignore them entirely, Jayce truly doesn't know. But he's paranoid and his priority is Viktor even now.

"We'll have to face that if it happens." Jayce can tell that the physical comfort isn't helping but it isn't hurting, so he keeps close to Viktor anyway, running his hand up and down his spinal implant. He isn't going to say it's okay or use optimistic language for once. This is a bad situation that'll get worse.

"Outside of the wings, they have no reason to think we can make impressive tech on that scale, everything we've made has been within reason or useful for non-lethal situations. Neither of us have physical fighting abilities so we can't help that way. We may be passed over." It is a very iffy maybe, but he thinks logically it could be. Except for his healing magic, once it's seen out there in action. Hard to say if that will be enough reason to recruit him.

Edited 2022-09-17 20:27 (UTC)

Whatever Tony does from here on out is out of his hands--Viktor can't say he didn't warn him, though of course that doesn't stop him from feeling at least partially responsible. Jayce, analyzing their situation and doing his best to be reassuring, comes off as though he'd never had his lapse in composure at all. Viktor furrows his brow. Looks up at that perfect, infuriating face.

Jayce is more of a politician than either of them want to admit. That will probably work to their advantage, here, and he may be right about some or all of the things he's saying. Viktor is too pessimistic, however, to think that the government will continue to leave them to their own devices. They were summoned for a reason. Their specific talents, their research, must have been part of that, and there isn't any hiding the real depth of their knowledge and ability. It's only a matter of time.

"I was so foolish," he admits, burying his face against Jayce's chest while his arms curl around his middle, hands creeping up his back, brushing his shoulders. "To think I could have you, without anything else in the way. That we could escape politics, and war, and simply...do good."

Viktor was ready to make the most of this--displaced as they are, he still wants to help. Make things better for the people of this world. Being drafted into a war effort, inevitable as it may be, is the opposite of that.

Jayce is an excellent politician and low key a good strategist as well, but he won't know for sure how all of this goes until he sees it. He isn't so sure they knew exactly who they were bringing here. Sometimes Jayce falls under the umbrella of people who think they just started grabbing people from the ether and hoping they were helpful. If they knew exactly who Jayce and Viktor were, it would make sense they would approach them earlier for New Magic and Hextech connections. If they knew about Viktor, they could use his condition to get what they want. Maybe they will prove they can do exactly that soon. But he is skeptical.

Jayce wraps his arms around Viktor entirely when he curls in tight and holds him. Viktor struggles with opening up to vulnerability like this so Jayce always values when he does, when he is honest and forthright about how he is feeling underneath.

"There is nothing in the way of us, V. You have me, all of me." It won't be the same, with Jayce being taken away by the council and other obligations. He's learned that lesson, that being away from Viktor is the stupidest thing he could have ever done.

Jayce holds him tight and leans down to kiss the top of his head, nuzzling his hair with his nose, breathing him in deeply. This thing between them is everything, the most beautiful thing he could have asked for, and he won't let anything tarnish them. Not even this.

"Listen to me closely. I am not going to let anyone compromise your mind and integrity and use you, not ever." Jayce has already been compromised and used and used others, he is on the other end of that, and he won't see that knowing emptiness that comes from it in Viktor's face. "We are going to get out of this, we're smarter than any of them."

There's a lot in the way, actually. Beyond the politics of this world and the current crisis and looming war, this relationship is fully temporary if they don't manage to find a way to cure his illness. He needs no assurance that he has all of Jayce--Jayce has made that abundantly clear over their few short months together, but circumstances might change. His health could take a turn for the worse. The healing could stop working. They might reverse-engineer a way home only to be thrust back into the political quagmire of their own world (though Viktor might find that preferable). He knows, now, how easily everything can change. It isn't as though Jayce planned to have the Council pull him in every direction.

Viktor is not necessarily worried about his own integrity. He can handle that himself, though of course Jayce's sentiment is appreciated. What he's afraid of is the leverage the government might use against them, to get what they want. He and Jayce are relying on the Academy's resources to finish the Hexcore. That puts them both in an untenable situation.

"I hope that you're right. Too many unknown variables. We don't know the lengths to which the government is willing to go, to make us do what they want."

Jayce is also personally concerned with what they might do to manipulate the situation. Holding Viktor's cure over his head would be enough to get Jayce to do anything, but he is willing to compromise himself, it's been done before, he has no high road to worry about. Especially with Viktor in his arms, this man so important and precious to him, Jayce would tear apart the world to keep him alive. He knows that means they have a huge weak spot. They are more at risk than most, with something so important held over their head.

"As long as we stick together, I know we'll find a way to get through this." He has to be confident about that, he has to believe in it. Jayce traces a lot of the root of some of his problems to when he stopped listening to Viktor, so he isn't going to make that mistake again.

"We can still do good. We may not be able to stop the war, but we can always do whatever we can to help people in the meantime. Like in Libertas." That has to be the next focal point. The next thing they can do. And after that? After that, Jayce has no idea. For once he is not the person looking into the future because he likes only seeing the positive future. Not the one layered with so many negative possibilities.

The worst part is that he's not sure what other choice they have--he can't not work. Even if his life didn't depend on it, Viktor naturally wants to create, invent, improve. Sitting idle, even when kept here against his will, is unacceptable to him.

He'd wondered, often, why they would bother summoning him here if it would only be for a short time. Cadens' government certainly hasn't offered him anything by way of a cure (not that he thinks he would take it), implying that it means very little to them, whether he lives or dies. Maybe he's here simply as leverage for Jayce, who he knows would do anything for him, on top of being the suggestible one. Wouldn't that figure.

Viktor reminds himself that they're a united front, now. That should make all the difference, and yet he can't quite believe it. He pulls away, finally, but only so he can sit down on the bed, looking defeated.

"I'd almost rather be home." At least then he'd feel like he could do something. "Wouldn't you?"

Edited 2022-09-19 23:11 (UTC)

Jayce still doesn't believe that they intentionally brought them the same way Viktor does, but it would make some horrible amount of sense if they did it to use them against each other. Viktor's stronger than he is, Jayce is the weak link. If they come to him threatening Viktor's safety, he will fold immediately. They both know that, so it doesn't need to be said. He also knows that Viktor would be furious if he ends up being the leverage, but they can't react until something happens. Jayce wants to take one thing at a time.

The two of them are in for now, they can check in with people in a little while, so Jayce sits on the bed next to Viktor and then just lies back, staring up at the ceiling. This is a question and a topic he has intentionally avoided all this time because he knows they disagree. Home, where he's ruined his life, where Viktor is dying without question? He's in no hurry for that.

"No," he says, finally. "Not until we have a guarantee that we can go back with all our new memories and skills intact. Or your cure, when we finish it." Jayce thinks that is perfectly reasonable. He would give up his healing and magic to go back for Viktor, but only if his life was saved. He will take no chances with Viktor's life. "From what I can tell people are just put back where they were taken. We'd lose all of it." Them.

Yes, he's heard all of this. Spoken to people who were apparently sent back and returned, with no memory of this place as they moved along their proper timeline, in their own world. He has no idea how this could work for them, even though they're only separated by a matter of days. Would Viktor have a chance to get things right, with the Hexcore? Would his own future be different from the one Jayce experienced? There's no real way to tell. All he can really do is the best he can, here, with what he has.

Viktor wants to tell himself that it wouldn't matter if they were sent back home, with none of what they've learned. At least home is a known quantity. There's investment. There's a working Hexcore that Viktor still believes in, not having yet made the horrible mistake that Jayce is convinced he makes. Returning isn't necessarily a death sentence, and at least they wouldn't be fighting someone else's war.

"The Summoning ritual. That could be part of it."

Of course, he doesn't really know that. But he and Jayce found each other once, so they could do it again. He knows, now, how long the feelings have been there--isn't getting back to where they are now just a matter of probability? Naïve, perhaps. Viktor is well aware that it's the very specific circumstances of this place that brought them together. Back in Piltover, with Jayce as a Councilor and Viktor immersed in his work, it seems unlikely. He's reminded, again, of everything he hoped to do, and how allowing himself the indulgence of a relationship would only hinder his goals.

Would he do that? Would he erase all of this, with Jayce, if it meant doing what he's supposed to be doing--helping the Undercity? The fact that he can't answer this for himself, not definitively, unsettles something in him. Makes him feel selfish all over again. If returning home is a possibility, then maybe it would be for the best, to forget.

Viktor drags his good leg up onto the mattress and leans forward on it, resting his chin on his knee in apparent thought. A suitable reply doesn't come.

All Jayce has to go back to is disaster. Some of it made by him. He's going to lose Viktor. He's going to lose his position, possibly all of his work. It's possible the peace with Zaun happens, and if so, he can be thankful about that, but it won't stop the other parts from being true. There is no happy ending for him, and maybe he doesn't deserve one, but that doesn't mean he is actively going to go searching for misery. He is not that much of a masochist.

Jayce already knows where this all ends up so he doesn't think an argument needs to happen. In the end, he'll do what Viktor wants. What is he going to do? Try to live here without him? He would rather die. It's not his choice and maybe lying there on their bed, in this home they made together, he's a little angry about it. He doesn't respond to what Viktor says because he thinks it's foolish. It's not about the spell. They are not in control of what happens right now. They can try to figure it out over time, but no one in over a year has managed to get the spell to work for the Summoned.

When Jayce is angry, he sees red, but he's more likely to get depressed, to hit low lows, and that is where he feels himself creeping toward again. It wouldn't be disconnected like before, at least, but he does feel that sort of sad acceptance fall over him. It's stupid, to wish it was as simple for Viktor as it was for him. But feelings can be very stupid like that. He knows the silence between them is being filled with all the things they aren't saying, and as two geniuses, they are well aware of that.

Words appear over his eyelids and it's Dean's post. Right after it happens, and he sees words shooting around, causing all kinds of feelings. Jayce blinks away a tear and sits up. "Network post. We can check in on Nadine there." He gets off the bed. Apparently he would rather just brush by this instead of deal with it, but that is his way. "Ask her what she needs, it'll give us something to do."

Jayce is going to read all of it, which is not really good for him, considering, but he is mostly going to stay out of it. He brushes his fingers in a light caress through Viktor's hair as he passes him and leaves the bedroom.

I know it sounds impossible

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