abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

He leans and stretches back, unaware the affect that could provoke, stretching out his legs beneath his blankets and folding one atop the other near to Istredd but not touching, his arms crossing, picture-perfect comfortable on his own bed.

The smart thing to do would be to light the room and grab paper, but he's got to get better at this again, so he sinks into his pillows and closes his eyes and tries to comb out a section of the interference in his mind so that he can get back to sharing images, not just words.

"That symbol crept up in various places. Kyle I believe found it first, down near Solvunn, south of Nott in those woods. It was painted on trees in a substance that had been made with herbs, blood, and a ritually-treated black root from Solvunn."

Grain and lumber out of Solvunn had been found with that root, too. Brion Creed, Thorne's trade rep out of Solvunn, living in Old Nott, believed that there had been unexpected contamination from it. He had been trying to fix some of the shipments, unaware at the time about the disappearances, believing the problem to be from the blight.

"Where the symbol was painted, Kyle found desiccated trees and animals. There were other reports of the symbol. Wanda had found it at a corrupted Solvunn shrine awhile back. When I showed the symbol to Lenore, she thought it similar to a minor arcana from home, Ace of Coins. When she went digging in the libraries, she found the Abraxan form of the minor arcana."

This image he manages to conjure up between their mind after a few tries. "Brion said that he'd seen Josselyn with the Page of Pentacles in her notebook. He found it odd, but thought she was just doing some form of research."

There's more that he could go into with Josselyn and what Brion had said, but that's... for another time.

"Luna didn't believe anyone from Solvunn would dare to alter an arcana, but here we are. We had pondered trying to get the symbol to you guys as though maybe there'd be a way to use it in favor, but, well. Frankly, I thought Urianger would be the best at putting the correct symbol together if it got distorted. And he was insane when I talked to him. So."

Oh well.

Istredd is only human and he knows that Lucifer is unaware of his appeal but he is tired and not in the best of his control so the way he looks at him is with blatant longing. It brings to the surface the awareness of where he is and what he wants, what he would do if he only could. Close the space, lie next to him, know what it felt like to touch his cheek, even innocently, and maybe not so innocently, and ---

Istredd snaps out of it when Lucifer shares an image and he probably feels a few moments of flustered embarrassment but then it's pushed past and he is focused entirely on what he's saying. Yep. Nothing else. This is more important than pointless fantasies. He stays where he is, playing with a little of Lucifer's blanket so his hands have something to do as he listens.

"It was inverted, which means that the effect was the opposite of whatever the original arcana was." See, he knows that right off the top of his head. Magical logic. "Arguably the fix might have been to use the original with a sacrifice to the same god, a better one, to counter that arcana." The better sacrifice would probably be the question mark, but it could have worked.

"It was inevitable that someone in Solvunn thought they could have a greater connection to the gods than what was done already. Everyone underestimating them is why we ended up here." Istredd sighs and then his eyes fix on Lucifer again, intent. "Interesting how we were in contact and you didn't think to ask me when you knew I was sane."

The tone doesn't say that he means it is interesting. The tone says that he is annoyed.

"Oh," Lucifer purrs, blinking open his eyes and looking at Istredd with lazy calculation, "what you had was not sanity."

He smirks, brief. All strange shadows from the glow log.

"Same reason I didn't tell you about the trick to potentially break your illusion. You. Were not. In your right mind."

Istredd flushes against his own will at that purr and narrows his eyes right back at him, pressing his lips tightly together. He can never tell how aware Lucifer is, how he wonders sometimes if it's a game to him. Well two can play a game.

"Liar," he replies calmly. "You didn't tell me because you couldn't handle the way you were feeling. Because you were afraid that I would die, so you were talking to everyone else."

He bristles only slightly at the indication, but he takes it and feeds into it, his smirk returning. "Yes, that's it. I talked to every single person down there but you unless I had to."

While that second part is true, he's not about to let Istredd feel that sting.

He leans forward, arms slung in his lap, brows raised, and clicks his tongue. "Don't be jealous, Istredd. I only talked to four people other than you, and only briefly to get something I wanted."

He holds up a hand and wiggles his fingers, legitimately counting each one off. "Kell after Rhy told me he was gone." Okay that one wasn't selfish. Shut up. "Castiel, as I said I 'heard' from him--I appealed to his self-serving nature and made him help watch the kids. Urianger because arguably he's better at arcana than you." Sorry pal. "And Caitlyn."

He pauses there, letting his complete annoyance at the sheer mention of Caitlyn echo between them. He sets his chin on that hand, elbow to a leg, and grumbles, "It was so nice to know that both of you so-called sane people were equally self-sacrificing to the detrimental points of your own health."

"If it was up to you, you wouldn't have talked to me at all." Oh don't worry, the sting is already there, Istredd knows him well. He says this very blandly, without any emotional tone either way, stated like a flat fact.

"Urianger is better at arcana than me, but he wasn't himself." Istredd will maintain that he was himself, as much as someone could be. If that information was helpful, it should have been passed on to someone who could have done something. He just stares at him but furrows his eyebrows when he mentions Caitlyn. She didn't tell him, clearly. He sits cross-legged, his usual poise, hands in his lap.

"Why did you message Caitlyn?" His partner in sanity, yes, he can only assume she was confused to be dealing with Lucifer in the midst of that. He'll have to apologize to her later.

He would not have, no. Talked to Istredd at all. But he always answered him, until that last time, and there is a twinge of regret there that he didn't.

He chuckles. "If you're so smart," he says, watching Istredd all the while, head tilting against the hand on his chin, "why do you think?"

Istredd rolls his eyes and leans forward, shaking his head. "Right, obviously the answer was to message a random woman you don't know and be a prick to her, instead of communicate with your partner. You know, I think you would have messaged every person in there instead of me, given the chance."

He wouldn't say he's jealous, more irritated in a general sort of way. He'll have to check in with Caitlyn and see how rude he was about it. It doesn't occur to him that it's strange he used the word partner.

"I messaged her," he draws out, dropping his hand again, "to try and get someone else to keep you from killing yourself by dumping every single scrap of yourself into everyone else."

Istredd may call him a liar, again, but it is the truth.

And that didn't go well because Caitlyn is just like him. That makes sense now. Istredd sighs, rubbing at his eyes. "There are people who might be dead right now if I wasn't doing that. Caitlyn and I were in an impossible position. Maybe someone else would have just let the chips fall where they may, but ... I can't do that."

As Lucifer said already, he wouldn't be him if he was sorry about his stupid selfless choices. "We became friends down there, we had to." Castiel, Steve, Louis, Caitlyn. His relationship with Geralt and Ciri remains complicated. "You know, after I healed the second time, I went crazy for about a day." He stopped messaging Lucifer. "And it was a relief." Which seems about as insane as how he felt, but it was a break.

"Only to wake up and find out while I was out, they released the shrine monster."

Shrine monster. Right. Istredd had said something about that.

"Well. You considered releasing it. They took the choice from you. You didn't have to make that last resort call." He sighs. "You can't control everything, Istredd." Take it from a guy that very much wishes he himself could. "Even if you were sane, you couldn't be everywhere. They could've done it either way, with you unawares, and you'd still feel just as shitty."

"No, I know I considered it, which I told your brother when he apologized. We had agreed it was a last resort, and it sounds like they believed it was at the time." And they may have been right! Istredd told Castiel that he didn't blame him for his impulsive decision while in the middle of the madness. Louis and Inej were also just doing their best at that point. It just meant that Istredd felt it underlined how little he could look away.

The fact that it was Castiel's choice to release the shrine monster may be new information.

"I could argue it was the right choice, it is what led to the escape." So maybe he should have gone crazy sooner. "I don't know, the point is, we were all doing our best. I'm not a hunter or a warrior, I couldn't fight the monsters or get us rats, my helpful abilities were limited." Lucifer knows that Istredd has a thing about feeling useless.

There is a long, suffering sigh through Lucifer's thoughts.

"Are you telling me my brother released this creature," he asks dully. It is, in fact, new information. And honestly....... really not that surprising.

Whatever. It is unfortunately not a point that he can poke and prod at now.

He flops backwards abruptly, grabs one of his pillows, and promptly chucks it at Istredd's idiotic face.

"He had help. None of them were doing well at the time." It almost sounds a little defensive, but he feels it's warranted. Lucifer already hates Castiel and he doesn't want something he said to be added to that pile. He is not looking forward to attempting to balance this angel complication.

The pillow actually manages to full out hit his face because he didn't see it coming. Or expect that would happen. So he startles and looks at him. "Are you twelve?" Istredd looks stern for all of two seconds before he laughs and hits Lucifer back with it. But he doesn't throw it, he keeps a hand on it, it is his pillow now. His weapon.

Lucifer doesn't need it, and anyway he has another one even if he did. He makes a second wallop, but this time it's with his mind. A full heartbeat of a moment where there's no static at all from Lucifer's mind and it's of course when he's gone on the attack.

He takes Istredd's surprised humor, ignores his comment, and fills in it with righteous indignation--he's still an angel, he's allowed on occasion.

Lucifer's thoughts reverberate with his spoken words, "You're not nobody."

The lack of static is appreciated but then he gets an emotional wallop from him, an intense feeling that takes him by surprise. Indignation at him, about him. He's felt it for Lucifer too, usually about how his family treated him. The words mean a lot to him. It lands hard. His self-worth during this experience took a serious hit. He did what he could to make himself useful but it was always in the back of his head. He always gets set off by what he perceives from other people as underestimating him, and it's because he does it to himself.

And that is why it matters. He's told himself before when it comes to Ciri, she's important. Geralt and Yennefer are important. Lucifer sees more to him. Just as he sees him, he is seen. It makes him stupid. It makes him emotional. Istredd leans a little closer, his hands tentatively reaching out to cup Lucifer's face, so gentle.

"What am I then?" If he is bold, it could be because he is so tired of holding back. He looks into Lucifer's eyes, more visible now with how close they are. Istredd is searching for something, that much is clear. Hoping.

Edited 2023-04-06 13:16 (UTC)

The innate reaction is to withdraw, react with a dismissive word.

Lucifer knows intimacy; he's used it as a deception for so many of his vessels, even when he was burning rapid-fire through anyone that could hold him for moments. It was always so easy, more simple than offering power, or revenge. Just dressing up as a loved one and playing at the heartstrings until they broke.

He took those emotions and made people bleed for him. Who was that blonde? Doesn't matter. She took a knife to her skin and carved her flesh just to 'show' her love for 'Vince' and Lucifer soaked up all the adoration, worship, even if it was for his host. Desperation to please, enough to put her in the hospital.

It's easy to put distance between him and other people when literally none of them--Kelly especially--ever knew it was him. The devil, lurking under the shadow of false identity.

He's never had to deal with someone knowing him.

Oh, he wants to just opt for misunderstanding. Talk up Istredd's value in general.

He knows it isn't what Istredd's looking for.

That doesn't mean he has an answer.

His lack of grace has made him so close to human that it's stomach-turning. Less himself, less angelic, and it opens their kind up to the same things humans feel, experience. Hunger, cold, loneliness.

Vulnerability.

It's a wonder humans can cope with all the loudness in their minds; Lucifer sure hasn't. To have fear so overwhelming for so many weeks. Istredd was supposed to die. He was planning to die. Because to him he saw himself as expendable. Because to him that's how he could prove to be useful in saving everyone else.

Because he isn't accustomed to people caring about what happens to him, same as Lucifer.

"I don't know," he says, adding to the pile of how many times he's said those exact words to Istredd. "But it's unparalleled."

Istredd has communicated to Lucifer before that no one has ever put him first. That no one really even cared to think much about him. Yennefer and Stregobor, yes, in different ways, but he wasn't going to be top of their list. Out of sight, out of mind, discarded for one reason or another. Justified, in her case, but she still didn't seek him until she was at her lowest decades later.

A main difference is the lack of complications and backstory. Not to say they don't have complications, the two of them have gone over quite a lot of things together, but they were new to each other. Their bonding was in a sincere and brand new way, finding one another from opposite sides of the universe. He believes Lucifer and it is a compliment like nothing else. He is important to someone. Vitally important. His heart beats faster, hungry for so many things, and validation is one of them, fed.

"Lucifer, I ---" He wants to pour out his heart and tell him the truth, the truth that everyone else already knows. He keeps avoiding it out of fear, but he is so tired of being afraid. A true love confession probably wouldn't go over well anyway.

He runs his thumbs in a caress against Lucifer's cheeks like the last time but he is holding on tighter, not wanting to lose this. And then Istredd just gives up. He lets the bond communicate the mess of feelings, maybe not the words, but the feelings that are far past friendship. The mixture of want and need and desire that he's been guilty about even now because of how unwanted it would be. The pain of unrequited affection.

Maybe if Lucifer wants to brush it off and say it's emotions from what happened, he can, if he puts that space between them again, Istredd can't stop him, but all he can think about is that he wants to be closer. Closer, closer, closer. He finishes all that emotional honesty up with guilt again, a release of a burden that was never asked for. And yet he is pathetically hopeful too. Because he could be wrong. What if he's wrong? What if it's not only him?

"I want to kiss you, but only if you want me to." On a whisper. This is terrifying in its own way because of how much he is putting out there and how brutal the rejection could be. And yet, after he says it, after he's expressed his feelings, even if they are unwanted and hated, there is a rush of relief.

Either way, it's over. It can't be taken back, although it can be dialed back and pushed aside and stifled again.

It's truly amazing how much of Lucifer's future problems would have been solved if he didn't let his mind get to its current state. If even this moment just waited another week, where his openness would be so simply shared between them again, so much trouble could've been dealt with.

But it's all such a mental trashfire and it hides Lucifer's doubts. Despite the barrage of complicated emotions from Istredd's end, it's easily misconstrued when it gets to Lucifer. Crossed wires, the similarity bleed between Lucifer and Yennefer; and Yennefer isn't here, but Lucifer is, vulnerable with an equally vulnerable Istredd who just has a need to be filled.

Wrong place, wrong time.

He's never the one anyone would purposefully choose.

He's seconds from messaging Yennefer to properly deal with this, but why shouldn't he be selfish? Istredd knows what he is, it's not Lucifer's fault that he indulges.

So screw it.

He'll deal with the emotional consequences of his actions later. Or, more likely, he won't and it'll bottle up unhealthily. Same difference, isn't it?

He reaches up both his own hands, nails dragged across skin, over Istredd's collarbone to wrap behind his neck and pull him in that last small distance left between them, teeth before lips meeting Istredd.

There is a part of Istredd that wishes Lucifer's mind was as open as his too. He can't read him clearly which means so much of this is a risk. There is no guarantee that he can sense mutual attraction or interest. He is wildly and foolishly guessing at this point. Hoping, really. He is truly not thinking about anyone or anything else other than Lucifer. He is the only thing in his mind and his heart right then.

It wouldn't occur to him that Lucifer could have doubts. Istredd thinks he is being so obvious, so pathetic throwing all his feelings out there. They could be unwelcome and annoying to Lucifer. He didn't ask for this, for his roommate to catch feelings and push them at him like this. And yet because it's them, he trusts Lucifer. He might be an emotional trashfire, this angel of his, but he has never intentionally hurt Istredd. Even if this goes poorly, he wouldn't be so cruel.

He is so tense as he waits for a decision. He is truly surprised by what that is, since his hopes seemed so ridiculous, and then Lucifer's mouth is on his and he sinks into it. Istredd didn't expect gentle in this situation and he frankly doesn't want it, there are too many feelings going on, and he wants to empty his mind. He wants to feel this.

Istredd kisses him back fiercely, leaning into him, fingers sliding through his hair, the other hand dropping to his shirt to dig in and hold him close like he's afraid of how fast he'll disappear. He has wanted this for months, wallowing in his longing, and it's his now.

Lucifer, the name a far gentler caress in his mind than the greedy way he's holding onto him. A softness to his feelings that aren't as selfish as his hunger. Istredd's got it so bad. I want you. And Lucifer can sense the force of that, layers and all, not only one thing like desire, which is simple, but adoration too. Everything. He wants everything.

His mind may be on Lucifer now, and it would be awfully rude if it wasn't in this moment. Focused on what's in front of him, Lucifer will give him that much.

It's the adoration that turns the switch off from Lucifer's shitty self-loathing thoughts. Always would be the trigger. It's what he longs for most, seeks out, claws out of the dregs of humanity for just a lick of it. He may not believe the accuracy of Istredd's other tangled emotions, but he latches into that one strand and allows himself to let go of control until his exhaustion will give a nasty reminder.

His mind buzzes and skitters, nothing new. Unfocused, only humming in response to Istredd's words.

One hand still pricks fingernails at Istredd's neck, five small grounding points, curling in deeper. Knuckles from the second run along Istredd's spine until he finds the dulled ache of his side that had tripped through their minds. Skimming under clothing and splaying a chilled touch against the remembered injury, nearly tender, far more than Lucifer's teeth dragging from Istredd's mouth and along his chin.

In a way their connection makes it harder to fake anything, not that Istredd would anyway. At least on his end right now, since Lucifer is still so hard to read. Lucifer has felt his affection before, his happy and fuzzy thoughts toward his friend, but this is stronger. Nothing holding him back, no attempts at hiding it, his adoration unfiltered may as well be throwing a blanket of weighted emotional warmth all around Lucifer.

Istredd doesn't know if he's special or if he had taken something Lucifer said and run with it, assuming all this time that he was a closed door on this matter. It is why he has been so tentative and now it seems that particular concern never mattered. He wishes that he could have Lucifer's connection right then though, he wants the confirmation of shared desire, although the actions are saying something.

Their touching has been so limited that the movement of Lucifer's hands under his clothing makes him shiver regardless of his touch being cold, starved for it himself. It does make it ache a little at the touch but the tenderness is the true surprise. He sucks in a breath sharply between that and Lucifer's teeth on his chin and his fingers clench in Lucifer's hair.

"Do you...?" Istredd sighs and his grip tightens and he pulls Lucifer's head back to look at him, a little more forceful than someone might expect. Istredd has claws and passion, it's just pushed under the composure. His hand releases Lucifer's shirt to slide under, taking advantage since Lucifer did it first, his fingers far warmer as they moved over his spine.

"You want this, right? I can't ... I can't read you." Lucifer's actions are saying so but maybe Istredd is insecure too, that he could be just as unsure if Lucifer's being swept up in desperation. He falls in love with people who are withholding, so he craves reassurance even now.

Edited 2023-04-07 03:05 (UTC)

God, Istredd, you can't even shut up in this, can you? Lucifer's trying very much not to think here for his own sanity, but he can't even be allowed that, can he?

The problem is that he does want it.

It would be so, so much easier if he didn't.

Give or take a few months, Lucifer's quickly coming up on a year being in Abraxas and starved from his grace that it's made him into just another version of himself that he didn't like. Always versions that he doesn't like, but this one... This one hurt the most. The version that had to adapt, pulled away from everything he ever knew and really, this should be better.

There's a very small percentage of people that know what he's done, what he's never and will never apologize for. There's a handful of people that understand his name, understand his title, and for the most part they see it as a misfortune, for him. Piss-poor parentage and a bad hand drawn. It's what he wanted. All the slights he's ever made on humanity just to be balled up and tossed in a waste bin.

He's been taking things for himself but it all seems like wicked tricks. Stealing something that doesn't belong to him, like he should be cackling in an alleyway, all cartoonish evil.

He was never supposed to be allowed any of this; and not just him, but all angels. Look from above, never interact. Love, never interact. So separate from Daddy's spinning marble, but oh, you'd better worship.

"Yes, well, I told you I needed time to recover my mind in Thorne and it's been, what, a few days? So, really, that's on you. You know what I do want? I want sleep. But for just a few, fleeting moments, if you can stop talking, that can wait." He chases into Istredd's space after he's withdrawn but he doesn't completely close the distance again. Kiss me, Istredd, he instructs mentally.

Istredd's been with people other than Yennefer but it always felt like it was either avoiding deep attachments because of his heartache or filling a void that was impossible. It wasn't lack of want, it was more that he built a nice wall around himself full of logic and books, and he couldn't imagine how he'd ever get the type of intimacy and trust that was lost to him. So he didn't bother. With anything.

It happened accidentally. All of his relationships here did. He told people before that just being here requires change, and he likes to analyze other people according to that theory, but it's true of him too. And here he is in the type of situation where it could be awkward but Lucifer is dryly talking at him instead of answering the question, and Istredd actually rolls his eyes as if it was any of their other conversations.

"You are lucky that I want to kiss you more than I want to point out that you didn't answer my question." Istredd smiles at him despite the waspish words, a part of him maybe liking that they are still being them in the midst of this, and he closes the distance eagerly this time. An arm slings around Lucifer's back and he pulls him, wanting as little space between them as he can get, greedy and selfish.

Make me shut up then, he challenges, still smiling. He parts his lips, drawing Lucifer in, wanting to stop thinking too. A terrible night turning into something wonderful is frankly the type of thing that might make him question if this is real later.

Edited 2023-04-07 03:58 (UTC)

He's sure then that question will come back to bite him and he's sure his response will be equally misleading. Except the smart thing from Istredd would be to wait until Lucifer's mind has restored itself.

He debates locking that information up in the same hidden depths where the truth of his son exists.

Maybe he won't. Lucifer's feelings Istredd may try to track down.

He has no reason to look for anything about Jack and Lucifer needs to keep it that way, much as he loathes to.

"I do like a challenge," he answers in amusement, no sign of his continual inner turmoil. But honestly. His mouth resumes where he left off before Istredd interrupted them. I do think that is impossible. Istredd being capable of shutting up. It's said with the utmost kindness, of course. He hums again, and grins, and though his thoughts are as messy as they are, the mischievousness manages to spread through.

He'll regret it later when it catches up to him, but power laces through his veins, drawn up, eyes a brief red firelight. Likely unneeded; his angelic strength alone is naturally enough to overpower Istredd, but in an instant he has Istredd on his back and Lucifer smoothing over atop him, yet so impossibly aware and careful of that injury.

Still need to be between you and the door, he lulls in offering, that gleam flickering and fading.

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