abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

"I don't care if everyone knows we're together. People with half a brain and eyes could see it tonight, we aren't subtle. I also started calling you my partner openly and most people know what that means." It's not roommate anymore, which could be more nebulous. Partner is a statement, a claiming. Lucifer is his. Istredd lets him nibble to his heart's content, his hand caressing him.

But some details are private. Their sex life specifically. Maybe some of the more important and secretive emotional parts he wants just for them. He and Yennefer were secretive because they weren't supposed to be together, and to keep their unique connection only theirs. Although you exploding everything in our room when you orgasmed is a compliment. Istredd laughs and leans in to kiss him gently again, nuzzling his nose.

"Very sentimental." He agrees. Promise me in the future instead of making assumptions we'll just talk to each other. They could have avoided some very serious emotional pain for Lucifer if they were better at communicatin. Lucifer pointed out they don't talk. Well, they need to. If you ever wonder about something or have a question, ask it.

"Yeah, no," he laughs, "you misunderstand. They already were guessing about our nonexistent sex life." Not just their relationship status; if he cared about that he wouldn't have made such a show at the party.

He pats the back of his hand at Istredd's side.

"Just continue the claim of magic accident. Most will just go with it. Our friends on the other hand..." It's an unusual ease that he says 'our friends' with, and says something that he doesn't even notice. "There's likely no sympathy there."

Istredd's last comment gets a slight wince from him. His immediate reaction is that he can't promise that, because he knows himself. But... "You too, you know. It's not just a 'me' problem."

Istredd had a 'we'll' in there but it still felt like a Lucifer Problem. Lucifer had a meltdown and yes, Lucifer said he wouldn't have acknowledged a relationship months ago, but it was still months. His friendship is valuable, yada yada... MONTHS.

To really emphasize, he adds, Were you going to ask about Kyle if I hadn't said anything?

Istredd takes that in with a sigh and then shrugs. "I don't actually care, now that I think of it. I'm glad you're mine and everyone can know it." He may be a little prudish in some ways, and not openly talking about sex, but they can mind their own business. If he really cared, he wouldn't have so openly devoured Lucifer with his eyes all night. It's the worst kept secret at this point.

"I know it's not just a you problem." Istredd reassures him, his intentions genuine. They're both at fault for the lack of communication. Istredd's the one who has been keeping secrets from him for months, after all. Maybe for good reasons, fear is always a great motivator, but he's the dishonest one.

Like that. That makes him internally want to cringe. No. Istredd closes his eyes, running fingers along Lucifer's side, not looking at him intentionally. Right away calling me out, hmmm? He smiles wryly.

"Alright, let's just ... talk about the Yennefer situation." Because that's what part of this really is about. "I didn't want to talk about Kyle because I understand it's very irrational for me to get jealous of anyone touching you, when sometimes you may have to share me with her." Istredd hates that. He hates being irrational and illogical, and jealousy is only that.

He shifts to sit up, separating much of their points of contact enough for Istredd to notice before he is thumping down on top of Istredd, his arms folded and expecting to catch Istredd's eyes when the movement no doubt takes the actual wind out of him. If it works, Istredd will see him grinning down.

Serious topic? Yes. But Lucifer's exceptionally good at being the one to hide and close off. Step back. He would maybe even let Istredd do it if he wasn't already still the equivalent of a caveperson.

Also Lucifer is feeling good, physically and mentally. It isn't often he can share and offer that.

"So you were going to do what I did and bottle it up. I'm not sure if anyone's bothered to tell you, but taking emotional pointers from me is unwise."

Keeping his arms crossed atop Istredd, he pokes a finger between his ribs. There is no real reason for this other than some strange way of his to keep Istredd from sinking into his head.

"I know where you and Yennefer stand, to at least some degree. In this hypothetical scenario of yours: you knew nothing about Kyle and I." He draws out, almost a song, "Which makes... your feelings... ?"

Valid. The answer is 'valid', Istredd.

Istredd's confused at him moving and then he does indeed manage to knock the wind out of him. Always surprising, his partner. "Lucifer." He scrunches his nose up at him but he secretly loves it. Not so secretly, since Lucifer can feel that he appreciates the physicality of it, it's continued reassurance.

This is the equivalent of spray bottle technique he uses mentally, only physically, and it's successful. He sighs and looks up at him, feeling very vulnerable but all the more reason for Lucifer to not let him pull back.

"Yennefer and I most of the time are friends and allies who trust one another and rely on each other to have our backs. Sometimes she gets the itch for me and it's more than that. It's important for her to feel like I'm here if she needs me." That could arguably be non-sexual, but the way they are, it is inevitably sexual sometimes. Not all the time. "I don't want to lose you, Lucifer. Or for you to feel like a placeholder or secondary or anything like that. But I also can't abandon her."

Yennefer did warn him that if he couldn't handle her existence then he shouldn't bother, but Istredd himself was avoiding putting that point out there, because of his fear. Losing Lucifer at this juncture would be devastating, but he would understand. In a way, it is making a choice, and he knows that for Lucifer who never feels like he's the choice, it could be painful. He can't tell him all of the reasons he and Yennefer need to be a team, that he made a vow to make up for what he did before, to be her port in a storm.

"It wouldn't be right for me to say all that and then say I'm jealous of anyone touching you." But it is absolutely what his heart is saying. He doesn't want anyone to touch Lucifer. He feels guilty now, deeply so, and apologetic. "I'm so insanely in love with you, I can't see straight. I can't be reasonable, I'm sorry."

Edited 2023-04-30 03:01 (UTC)

"I know nothing about love," devotion, yes; love, no, "but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be 'reasonable,'" he points out.

He sets his head down on his arms, almost like he's snuggling in, and only for a moment turns his head so that he's looking off into the dark room. It's not dismissive; Istredd will be able to tell that he's putting some kind of thought into this, though as scattered and complex as his thought process typically is, indiscernible. After a bit, he makes an awkward nod to himself and resumes his previous position.

"If it was anyone but Yennefer we'd be done."

They likely wouldn't even have began.

He told Yennefer the only reason he cared is because he respected her. Otherwise, well. He'd do what he wanted, regardless of a third party's feelings. Maybe he'd fight for supremacy, maybe he'd just step out and not put the effort in.

"And I'm not looking for anyone else." He wasn't looking for Istredd either but that was months of being in each other's space and then months of being in each other's minds and then what felt like months being severed from both.

That isn't something that by any means should be possible to replicate.

"Believe me, I know. Every eight years or so I'd try to get something going with a more reasonable match, and it didn't work out because it never came with this intensity." The insanity of real love, the kind that has to kick the feet out from under you to even happen. Lucifer hit his blind spot full force and Istredd was helpless to resist him. Istredd had other lovers in the past, obviously, it wasn't only Yennefer, but they were always doomed. He couldn't make himself love anyone.

Istredd's breath was held through all of Lucifer's quiet contemplation, because he knew in a way it was going to be the deciding factor. They haven't straight-forwardly discussed this, which means that Lucifer has to actually consider whether this is something he can handle. He releases that breath when he talks again, all the tension in him strained and then hesitantly relaxing.

"You weren't looking for me," he points out. Lucifer could feel differently. Istredd's opened that door for him. Istredd reaches up to cup his face. He can't imagine that he will be the only person who will love Lucifer. It's already strange to him that he is. But so few people know him as he does. "I want you to be happy. I'd do anything to make you happy." He is burning with sincerity about that at least. Istredd drops his hands to his shoulders, to his arms, to his hips.

"It's still new, that's all. Very new. I never thought this would happen so I wasn't prepared. And I'm sorry I kept this secret so long." Istredd smiles faintly. "You deserved to know someone loved you even if it felt a little pathetic on my end."

Edited 2023-04-30 03:41 (UTC)

"Well, lucky you, I don't think there's currently any other psionics in Thorne that can witness and fall for my beautiful mind and link minds with mine so that I can trust them in general and trust them with my true form," he says blandly.

It is excessively obvious that Lucifer thinks Istredd is being very dumb.

But, he supposes, Istredd was already making that point in his own way.

'You deserved to know someone loved you.'

So it just figures that Istredd throws him a little off-kilter with his words. He's really good at going that, it's not fair.

"Thank you," he says, which is--well, maybe not something you're supposed to say to continued proclamations of love, but, "really, I--thank you."

"It's true, I really hit the niche market," he says blandly back. Istredd still can't help but touch him as much as possible, something to do with his hands, and his greed. So much skin-to-skin is really spoiling him. Sharing a bed in general has been spoiling him.

"I want you to feel safe to talk about it if anything does happen. I promise my irrational reaction won't last." He did manage to shrug it off, although they needed to have this conversation before continuing. Istredd hopes in truth they don't need to do that, some part of him is always going to be possessive.

Istredd doesn't expect anything from him when it comes to his confessions or words. He says them because he means them. It makes him feel better too, to speak truths. Hiding didn't feel good in the slightest. A rejection would have stung but it was survivable.

"Thank you for not minding that I'm putting it all out there. Not everyone would be comfortable with that." Emotionally constipated people for example! Which they sometimes are. Istredd smiles at him and slides a hand into his hair and then cups his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

Are you okay with telling some of our friends? I want people to know you're my man. Also I already told Kell.

"You mean you promise your irrational reaction won't be the last," he corrects.

They are very different people who very much share certain... qualities. Lucifer is very particular about his personal space but that has been lessening over time.

Maybe he should warn him about Lenore.

... Naaaaah.

"It's as you said: it's new." It doesn't bother him, it's more interesting and surprising than anything else at the moment.

By all means. They are never going to get any sleep at this rate, not that he's complaining. They're going to wonder why you're telling them the obvious. I wasn't aiming for subtly.

"I won't have an irrational reaction forever." Istredd does have some faith in that. Most of it is about insecurity. This is new and exciting and special, and Lucifer knows he struggles with the way he sees himself. Once he gets to a place where he thinks they're solid and on the same page, he probably will relax more.

"I think I'll be fine with it platonically, half of the problem was me thinking you were going to kiss." It felt like someone walking on his turf, so to speak. He isn't mad at Kyle, that much is clear. It was panic more than fury. "Kyle's attractive and interesting." Lucifer might not actively notice people being handsome, but Istredd has eyes.

He laughs both physically and mentally. He mischievously smiles. I'm going to bang pots or ding a glass at breakfast tomorrow and announce we're in a relationship. Cue everyone going we know.

It's a good thing they're both very old then.

"If you say so," Lucifer says in regards to Kyle, on both accounts. Lucifer would give the guy 'competent' over 'interesting' but hey. That's him.

...

And then Lucifer bites Istredd's lip, enough to bleed.

I will. Throw bread. At your head. If you even try.

Both very old, but both act like children.

Istredd's spark of pain is mixed with surprise and he jabs a finger into Lucifer's side much the way he was jabbing Istredd only moments before. They are extremely mature individuals. Of course it's illogical that his immediate response outside of that is to pull Lucifer into a deeper kiss, ignoring the new sting in his mouth entirely.

As you throw the bread, I will make sure to tell them in detail how sweet you actually are. Just ruin that reputation of yours. He is 100% joking and there is no doubt about that. Considering Istredd has already stated he'd prudish about some aspects of their relationship, the idea of getting up in front of a group and being vulnerable about this precious relationship is never going to happen. Call Lucifer his partner? Yes. Acknowledge how he feels about him because it's obvious anyway? Absolutely. Not to mention Istredd wants to keep Lucifer possessively to himself. No one is allowed to know these secret things about him.

Still, he's messing with him, since he's allowed to do that. Istredd smiles and kisses him again, light and fun. I'll call you by a really stupid nickname.

He is not dissuaded in the slightest and licks up the blood while returning the kiss.

Maybe a change to my reputation would help. Everyone thinks of how 'sweet' I am while ignoring as I operate in the shadows... No one would believe it. While we're at it we'll just add how you would love to become a professional orator.

See? He can joke too.

Dare I ask what the top choices of nickname would be?

Edited 2023-05-01 02:29 (UTC)

Istredd laughs out loud although it's smothered by the bloody kiss in question but it does shake in his chest, running his hands up Lucifer's chest and then hooking them around the back of his neck comfortably.

No one would ever believe me. They'd think I've gone mad. Which he has, love mad, as already discussed. He comes up for air so he doesn't just keep getting distracted by Lucifer kisses. It's difficult not to get carried away. "No one would believe you either. Ow." A little whine about the bite not that it stopped him from kissing.

He considers. He's never given a nickname let alone a stupid one. "Lucy? Ferry?" Istredd grins at him, tickling his ear with his fingers. "My sweet angel."

He'll be happy to point it out, "You have gone mad. They thought that awhile ago. Honestly they'd probably just ignore you and keep eating."

He nearly bites him again for the pathetic, unbelieving 'ow.'

Instead finally rolls back to the mattress and stretches out along side Istredd again, limbs just as tangled together. "'Lucy' is not new," he says. "Though more from my brothers than anyone." He's sure it's come up in other contexts, but not many. "'Ferry' may actually be more cringe-worthy than the last one, congrats." He thinks it might be because it makes him think of a ferret instead of some piece of his name.

Istredd turns toward him and keeps close, reaching out to make certain the blankets are comfortably tucked in around Lucifer again now that he moved. A tender gesture for his always cold partner.

"No thank you to a brothers-leaning nickname. I don't want to remind you of angel drama when we're naked in bed together." He kisses his cheek gently. "Everyone in Thorne knows, you just didn't realize they were right, you were the last person to the party." Istredd knew they weren't only rumors, but on his end.

After a beat, he smiles. This does mean Michael knew before you. He immediately broke his rule about not bringing in angel drama.

"I will bet you my gift-bag potion Jack doesn't know," he says pointedly. His sometimes-student is far more oblivious than Lucifer himself. He'd bet that even if Kyle told Jack about it, he'd still not get it.

Ergo, he's not the last one to his own party, thank you very much.

He makes a face at mention of Michael. That's just uncool, man. He is never telling Michael there was anything other than his belief in the rumors going on.

"I don't know, we could ask him. He can be our test group on how oblivious you'd have to be." Istredd leans in to nuzzle at his neck and kiss there, content with how close they are. Maybe craving this level of skin contact is a small detail, but he is enjoying no layers between them.

We are definitely doing the breakfast here, I wonder if they'll let me sneak out to one more look at the library. Extremely unlikely. They are supposed to go right after it, but what if he skips some of the food to try that instead. Istredd's first true love is books. What I wouldn't give to have access to the university all the time. Wistful.

He's awfully sure Jack will be about as baffled, if not more so, as Lucifer had been.

You want to risk getting in more trouble? Because they're already going to be in trouble for their redecorating of their room, there's no question about it. I really am a bad influence, he jests. But there is a part of him that expects someone to say that eventually. He doesn't let that linger. There's plenty you could give, but not be worth it, even for a new mountain of books.

Who knows when we'll be allowed back here? Istredd sighs, still wistful. It's not as if they really let them have much interaction with the library or the university, so it would take time to get anywhere near what he'd need. But it still was something beautiful and new. He nibbles on Lucifer's neck lightly.

We'll have to ask Thorne to cover this if Hayle insists on being paid back. Which they will, and that is fair. They definitely can't. He runs his hand down Lucifer's arm and then takes his hand, holding it. "I'm still not sorry, you were beautiful." He's a tiny bit bashful, keeping his nose nuzzling at Lucifer's neck.

It was worth waiting for. Istredd would ask the same, but Lucifer didn't wait. He didn't think about it until it happened. "I'd say we're equally bad influences sometimes." Switching between talking and thinking is easy, at least when it's just them snuggling in bed and not doing something else. "I just seduced you, after all."

"Rude," he chirps, "I'm always beautiful." And an absolute gremlin trashfire, but a beautiful one, thank you.

'He didn't think about it until it happened' was the already-surmised difference between them. After his failed Apocalypse, Lucifer didn't have a lot to bank on for planning, or giving himself time for anything. He always tried not to end up back in captivity, but he had to play fast and loose with his life and his choices. Quick, lack of thought decisions.

"I think I had a hand in my own seduction." Lucifer that hardly makes sense. "But kudos." He pats a hand to Istredd's cheek, not shifting him from where he was focused. "A 'nobody' would have no chance."

He doesn't see a future where they get back here easily. He's not even optimistic Thorne won't tighten their claws in their Summoned once they're all back in place, Josselyn Concluded. But maybe, if he gets eyes into this city, he'll be able to find a reason to allow occasional travel.

Not for one second does Lucifer think this city is as pristine as it appears.

Istredd laughs into his neck and nips at it. "I should not be feeding your ego any more than I already have." But he may as well have heaped a whole lot of food into it tonight and every moment since they got together. Too much adoration, it could make him sick. But yes, very beautiful.

"I get it, I'm not a nobody. I'm your unparalleled object of affection." Istredd rests his head against his shoulder, bringing Lucifer's hand up to kiss the knuckles. "Your beloved crying ape." He teases. He can't joke about placeholder anymore, Lucifer has ruined that as something playful, but that's fine. He has many other things to pull from their conversations to make it snarky.

I would say I have to get closer to Ambrose so I could get more access to things, even out here, but from what I can tell, being friendly with him won't please his sister at all. And she runs Hayle.

"My ego's always hungry. Cannot be sated."

Lucifer needs more, wants more, maybe will get sick anyway because Istredd's more than--Istredd's simply more. The angels before his Fall fawning over him and the demon fanatics worshiping the ground he walked on nearly to the point where it bothered him to be in their immediate presence. Distance. He always needed an invisible wall between them and him, but he still wanted it all.

He pulls lightly at the hairs at the back of Istredd's head.

"I don't think you get it yet." After all, Lucifer said as much. He didn't know what Istredd was, couldn't put it into words or even complete thoughts to share between their minds. 'Unparalleled' remained the only fitting word. "But I won't let you forget."

His stomach twists, unreadable, at mention of Ambrose. "Nicknames my brothers use, not for bed; Ambrose? Also not for bed."

"You'll be getting a steady diet of my adoration from now on, don't worry."

Istredd knows that ego isn't entirely correct anyway. In some ways Lucifer is, he has a sense of drama and grandiosity, but he's also displayed to Istredd himself that he's deeply insecure too. That is mostly why he sees no problem in giving him compliments and all the affection he can handle. He's hungry because a part of him is starving for it. As an insecure person who never learned how to fake it, he does understand.

He smiles and lifts his head from Lucifer's neck to press their foreheads together, comfortable and content. "My ego on the other hand could use a little massaging, from time to time." The most confident Istredd's ever been was just displayed between them. Apparently sex is one of his top five confidence areas.

He is surprised to hear their typical political talk stops at Ambrose in here, but he hmms thoughtfully, deciding to give in since they're curled up naked in bed and he doesn't care enough to argue. "I didn't know we were making some bed rules, but fine."

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