abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

Istredd's hands lift to curl fingers into the collar of his shirt, not leaning out of Lucifer's orbit; if anything he leans into it. He feels like he can breathe here, in this book store, far from the castle and everything related to the kidnapping, clinging to Lucifer.

"You know that I do." They are in a corner and no one else is in the shop so he is confident he can get away with leaning his forehead against Lucifer's. You are so damned good at this, Lucifer. Charming and supportive and vulnerable. Lucifer is at his best. Even in Istredd's fantasies, he couldn't imagine feeling this good all the time.

This is a jump away from when you were concerned me shattering would shatter you.

There's gotta be some perks to being a fallen angel, maybe. He shouldn't be good at this, but he does have a very high intuition.

He gives Istredd a mental flick.

Because.

No.

Nope.

Let's be perfectly clear.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm still very concerned. You are currently nowhere close to being shattered. You can't go be reckless and actually get your mind exploded, Istredd. I can fix cracks, I can't fix hundreds of shards. The room in Hayle? No fixing that. Shattered mind? And then he actually flicks the side of Istredd's head with a hand. "Don't let it happen."

"Lucifer." Istredd smiles faintly and shakes his head. If I was going to break, I would have done it down there. I did choose to live, despite it not seeming that way. I could have laid down and died any number of ways. Yes he prioritized getting the kids out and being stabbed for Ciri, but he could have given into the wounds or lost all fight. He was in very bad shape by the end and succumbing to injuries would be easy.

He flinches at both flicks and smacks Lucifer's hand away. There, a little extra spice. "This isn't going to happen forever." No matter how it feels or how frustrated it makes him. Istredd sounds confident. Healing takes time. I really am going to be okay. Just as he wouldn't be insecure about them forever either, as promised. Adjustments.

"I have a beautiful mind too and it's not going anywhere."

Edited 2023-05-16 04:39 (UTC)

Ah, yeah, see, I'm already months-from-now concerned, he admits. Like. He remembers the watered-down feel of the Singularity's defense measures. For all Istredd's continued poking and prodding and wanting to understand, Lucifer's braced for the Singularity to react poorly no matter how respectful Istredd is towards His Rock. Not now, current, concerned. This is me, thinking of our future.

He's future planning on Istredd doing something(s) stupid. The continued 'you need to be careful' extends so far beyond from now.

You have a tendency to be extremely focused in your goals and maybe not see the dangers coming at you.

Edited 2023-05-16 04:42 (UTC)

Istredd pauses and then scrunches up his nose, making a face, but it is acknowledgment and not a denial. He is reckless and often careless. He gets laser focused. This connection began because of him not caring about the dangers of them going to the Singularity or what it meant politically. He was not alone in that journey, but it was his idea, and him driving it.

His reaction to everything that happened will be to dive head first into the next step to get to answers. He wants them more than ever before. Geralt warned him not to play around with gods or greater forces. Intellectually Istredd knows he is right. He probably still will do it though. It's compulsive in a way.

Kyle cautioned me about us. Not as an insult to you, but he said to keep you safe, I had to protect myself first. Be more careful with my life, I suppose. Some of it may have been about Lucifer being untrustworthy, but he could see in Kyle's fear that it also had to do with how Lucifer spun out. He nearly killed Kyle because he snapped.

How far is Istredd willing to go for his knowledge? For the Singularity? Will he lead everyone to a pile of ash, where meaning well is a joke? What would he sacrifice? He doesn't know. Right now he would be more conservative than how it would be in the moment.

What would you have me do?

He's not sure there still wasn't an insult to Lucifer in whatever Kyle warned Istredd about, but that'd just be par for the course. The only person Lucifer's had to 'defend himself' to was Jack Townsend and even that, strangely, was a sensible conversation. Well. Sensible where the two of them were involved, that is.

"Stop," he says simply. "And think."

This from someone who had been bound up in story and prophecy and had his long-game stretched out under his own power and yet a controlled descent by someone other than himself. This from someone who despite going full reckless-abandon knew where the marbles would scatter when he kicked through a pile of them. That could see the sprawl of the consequences of his actions, he just didn't care about them.

It's as he thought the day he forced Istredd's hand to form the bond:

So many people that were so smart, but so very dumb.

It shouldn't be so easy as 'stop and think' but then does Istredd, ever, really stop? That right there is the hard part. To just stop moving, stop being in so many different places at once, and really think through the cost of what he's doing for the things he wants.

Edited 2023-05-16 05:21 (UTC)

Istredd smoothes out Lucifer's shirt from where he had curled his fingers in. Before coming here, there was one thing I did that I wish I could take back. I was caught up in intellectual discovery and believing I was doing the right thing, I was so sure. Now all I can see is how big of a mistake it was.

He hunted down the truth about Cirilla from what he found out from Geralt. It should have been difficult to break apart that information, but his bright and sharp mind jumped the distance to answers. And the more he learned, the more excited he was for what it could all mean. She wasn't a person to him, she was a name on a page, and her destiny was the important thing on the continent. Istredd didn't see it as selling her out to the elves, at the time he believed it would save them, as he promised to do, and it was what she was meant for. He regrets it now, that much is obvious, the regret is pouring out of him. He didn't stop to consider what was the best path, he had to do something, he thought.

His feelings are a bit of a mess right then, a soup of them, and he pulls away from Lucifer, putting the book back where it was supposed to go. How am I supposed to just change the .... There is a pause where Istredd hesitates, stopping in the middle of the sentence, and it's like his mind skitters.

His mood shifts in a second and he starts laughing. It's such a sudden burst that he covers it up, although swallowing it down doesn't change the mixture of amusement in his mind. I was about to ask you, of all people, how was I supposed to change a fundamental personality quality? After months of convincing you how change is good and breaking down your walls.

It's kind of like how Lucifer laughed when he realized how ridiculous it was that back in the day the idea of allowing Istredd in his mind made him threaten him, and now they're permanently connected mentally. Istredd shakes his head, knowing it must have sounded random to the owner. Stop and think, someone says, and the other person laughs at them.

He's really laughing at himself.

But I'm here being stubborn. Like an idiot. I'm sorry.

Edited (i'm sorry about who i am) 2023-05-17 22:13 (UTC)

He startles at the sudden laughter, blinking before it all catches up to him and he grins, slow, feeling the same amusement rattle on through.

Tag, he says, you're it. And then he adds because ugh, culture problems, It's your turn to experience the gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking emotions surrounding trying to stumble your way through a different frame of mind.

He follows after Istredd, putting a hand to his shoulder briefly as he passes by. "Honestly, if you take ten seconds to stop and do some weird breathing meditation exercise, that alone would be something to start with."

Yeah, the owner if never going to look at either of them the same way the next time they come in, that's for sure.

It's terrible, I hate it. I take back everything I've ever told you. Istredd smiles and shakes his head. It is definitely going to be gut-wrenching and painful and require him to witness his flaws and deal with them, but for now, it's honestly still pretty funny.

Istredd is a 'do as I say not as I do' person in everything. He may have to actually learn how to start taking his own advice (and a taste of his own medicine).

In my defense about the Singularity trip, I passed that idea by Stephen, Yennefer, Rhy, Kell, and Ambrose first, it wasn't me going rogue. Every person going on the trip had to sign off on the idea and what it may mean. Probably Stephen, Yennefer, and Ambrose were the people able to see the big picture and decide to go for it anyway. So as blind as he can be, focused on his goals, he did get several second opinions. They just weren't Lucifer.

"I would get that book for sentimental reasons later on but it's fiction and I don't read fiction." Istredd does, however, remember exactly where he put it. He is a very sentimental person. He probably will get it and never read it, for the symbolic nature.

Time to start learning, champ. It's a grind, and not a fun one.

Cool, I'm going to go start a war, he says without seriousness. There is always the (high) possibility he's going to start a war anyway, but there are multiple motivations to that kind of thing. He's more likely going to claim 'necessity' than 'just because.'

You know the concept of an echo chamber is? It's an environment (because if he says 'social media' he's going to lose Istredd) in which a person encounters only beliefs or opinions that coincide with their own, so that their existing views are reinforced and alternative ideas are not considered. So. Not in your defense, that's what you did. Sorry buddy he just needs you to see where he's been coming from. You asked all like-minded people. Of course they were going to agree and not see the flaw.

To even out his stab into Istredd's character, he adds with more humor, "Jack's putting enough fiction books into your tower, you don't need more." He's trying to navigate the way out of this impossibly-large maze for the size that the building looked from the outside.

He, too, remembers where Istredd put the book.

"I already told you no," Istredd says with mild seriousness about the starting of a war. They probably all will be starting a war at some point. Lucifer won't be the only one involved in whatever's coming next. It's the specifically trying to be king part that's a solid no.

Istredd is having no problems at all navigating the bookstore. He's taking the scenic route because he likes it. There is a very clear way that he is moving, instinctive, turning in the right places, that is just natural for someone who has spent decades in libraries. He hooks a hand in Lucifer's elbow when he starts going in the wrong direction and tugs him the right way.

They do pass by the owner on the way out and he respectfully nods to her. She looks at them both but doesn't say anything before going back to what she's reading. But she probably will remember them, strange outsiders that they are, being strange in the history section. Also Istredd will be back annoying her before long once he gets actual money.

He is taking this time to consider what Lucifer is saying. I know a version of the echo chamber. It hasn't been called that, but the concept is not new or specific to one world. It happens in the Brotherhood frequently. Unsurprising when there are a lot of old mages all with their own motivations and political beliefs blended into one place. Their bickering is polarizing, and all 'sides' don't like to cede ground. Istredd left when it was clear there was no point in talking to them.

He could point out Yennefer agreed, but Yennefer and Istredd are in fact very like-minded; it's their personalities that are vastly different. Neither of them cared much about the consequences if it meant getting what they wanted. Trying to figure out answers about her magic was a big driving force of that. And they did find out something very important. They were raised in the same place, it probably isn't a surprise they share a similar mindset when it comes to the same thing. Power for her, knowledge for him.

So you want me to run all my potentially dangerous plans through you, is what you're saying. It didn't stop him from going to the Singularity, although Lucifer has a lot more influence over him now than he did then.

If only Istredd could've applied his book-maze sense to when he was stuck in an actual labyrinth.

He salutes the owner on the way out. Her face may be in a book, but he believes she saw him, anyway.

Back into the strong smell of fish.

While in an ideal world he'd say yes, only give me knowledge, only rely on me, that's... not really where his head's at. Doesn't need it to be at. Doesn't need Istredd to run an idea by him and maybe that's out of some security for himself because Lucifer won't run everything by Istredd, for whatever reasons he might make up for a given situation.

Or Kyle. Or Natasha. Or Thancred. Lenore, if she was still here. Look at that, the list of people Lucifer actually respects the opinion of. That's grown substantially, and that... mostly all happened while Istredd was in the dark.

He was magically kept from getting out of the labyrinth. Not the same thing.

It is an interesting list and yes, would seem to have happened during that ordeal. Not Kyle, they both already trusted Kyle enough to have their talks with him about theories and ideas of this place. Istredd would have already put Thancred and Natasha on his list himself, but it's interesting that Lucifer is.

He studies him closely though, frowning as the humor from the bookstore fades away. But we tell each other if it's important. Istredd raises an eyebrow at him. "Right?"

"If it's important," he agrees firmly, reassuring.

What that definition of 'important' though is very different when you're a Chaos-blooded mage and an inhuman celestial creature.

He's toying a very careful line but he's had enough private conversations that he made sure Istredd couldn't key into that when he's very focused, as he's been this entire trip, he'd pass a lie detector. Keep whatever level his thoughts have been at, like maintaining a heart rate. Steady, allowing a form of concern to show through.

The best lies are the truth. Omission, obfuscation. Not telling someone everything, telling them the truth--but specifically the parts they'd want to hear, or give them something to obscure what you're really trying to hide.

I just don't want you to feel chained down to me; that's not fair. He frowns at Istredd. We're partners, I don't control you, even if it would make my life way easier, sometimes.

Istredd gives him a long skeptical look and stops, reaching out to take Lucifer's arm and stop him too. It doesn't matter they're in public, it's starting to get dark anyway, and he may as well be staring right into Lucifer's soul at this point. If he had one.

Let me be clear. Lucifer already told him exactly how he lied. He saw it for himself. It's the only way he's a good liar too, as they've already communicated. If the answer is no, that's fine. I have details of my own that I can't share with you. It's unfortunate, and sometimes it does make him deeply sad that he can't share everything with someone, no matter who it is, even the man he loves. But it is reality. He doesn't live in a fantasy.

Cirilla is going to be protected, no matter what. He may trust Lucifer with himself, but he doesn't trust him with her.

But don't try to play me. You literally told me how you lie on our way to the docks. Istredd releases him and continues on the walk back to the portal. He already mentioned how badly he handled feeling like Lucifer was playing him. He won't handle it well at any point.

For instance, you didn't know that Geralt's from my sphere and that I know him. I also know that he's been your go-between with the Winchesters. Surprise, he can actually keep things to himself. He's only mentioning it now because it is more public.

Edited 2023-05-18 03:24 (UTC)

Lucifer scowls at Istredd's back. He knows it isn't even the link screwing him over like he thought it might one day. Istredd knows him well enough physically to read the lines of deceit. It's one of those reminders, the one that constantly hounds him, asking the angel: is it worth it to be so known.

He swats away at it like a fly.

Congrats, Lucifer says, a little too sharp, you remembered the lesson even through your anxiety.

Hadn't he also wondered how capable he was at playing Istredd? Just what he would do?

But the mention of Geralt side-swipes him in a way he didn't expect and it's one thing being pit buddies, like Castiel, but it's another thing for them being from the same world, and that's just something else he knows is coming back to bite him, doesn't that just figure?

He also tried to kill me, he says airily. Twice. He waves a hand. Got a good taste out of each other in the Horizon; you two should compare notes on my blood. That was before I put my arm through his chest.

The other part of Lucifer's particular attitude that he didn't discuss with Istredd back in the bookstore is that he's recognized a tendency to, well, self-destruct. Istredd's been on the receiving end of that enough but it has been awhile and maybe the smartest thing for Istredd to do is just walk away for the moment.

Istredd glances at him, keeping pace. I know you. How many times does he have to make that clear? And maybe it is hard to be known and he gets that. He's only now being better at being known himself. It is probably clearer at the moment how he's let Lucifer do more of the opening up, and that isn't what he wants. He wants them to be on the same page (book, page, sentence).

You've called me out when I'm not being honest too. Refusing to talk about Kyle, struggling to admit to his insecurities. This is what he thinks a healthy-ish relationship looks like, if they want it to be. Just still ironing out the details.

But we should both remember in our infinite wisdom. A wry smile at that. Too much secrecy could put the other one in a position of collateral damage. So yes, if it's important, like a life or death situation, I think we should share. Istredd thinks that is fair. They don't want to lose each other, that is a major part of their relationship. Clinging to one another in the madness.

At the Geralt information, he nods. That sounds about right. He'd try to kill anyone who he thought was a threat to a loved one. Istredd can tell that about the man. They only talk about theories, but he's observant. He does raise his eyebrows though. We're not close. I mentioned this a while back, but I found out the monoliths in our sphere were gates. Geralt was with me at the time, we were investigating one. When I came here he was interested in my thoughts about the Singularity and how it connects to the monoliths. Not an extremely interesting relationship.

He doesn't want to make it seem like they're best friends. If Lucifer implied that that to Geralt he would be very confused. Witchers and mages don't get along traditionally. Look, now you know the word for what he is!

Edited 2023-05-18 04:22 (UTC)

He might, quite literally, have to always repeat it. Because every time Lucifer gets close to accepting it, he fights back against it.

Life or death, he says. That's all I can give you, reliably. Some things are safer not knowing, Istredd.

He means that, most of all.

To be fair, he admits with a sigh, the first time was after I went at Dean in the Hunting Grounds.

Justifiable, but also the first time he's mentioned anything about that day. He's still really pissed at whatever the heck was up with Dean and his wings and angelic-like powers.

I wouldn't call them loved ones. The second time in the Horizon he'd been afflicted under Sannleikr and stopped being so 'chatty.' But he managed to hold Dean back from shanking me on the boat, another thing he did not tell Istredd, it's when I found out Dean had the Mark and the First Blade, and I reached out to Geralt after that, because of you.

His mind does a lot of confused loops, grasping almost like gulping down air at the word with 'and mages.' What's a witcher?

I'm never going to be fully comfortable with that, but I accept it. I don't control you, like you said.

It doesn't feel good to know that his partner wants to keep things from him and he thinks he's doing it for Istredd's sake, when that doesn't feel like protection. He was being honest though. He would much rather know the truth and accept it than feel like the rug is pulled out from under him in a few months if it turns out he's been lied to. Better to live with the reality. That's true for both of them. Istredd is being truthful in that acceptance.

Oh answers after all this time. I assumed it was Dean. It sounds like it was and Geralt was there with him. That is one of the times they started to get closer, when Lucifer allowed him to help.

Geralt can be difficult and monosyllabic, but he is fair in how he deals with people. When Istredd was concerned he'd kill him, he still knew that it was a reasonable option. By saying that he means he isn't surprised Geralt protected him on the ship as well as tried to kill him in the Hunting Grounds. He does feel a surge of satisfaction at the reminder of what Lucifer did for him.

As for that, well. After the conjunction, when our spheres combined, a lot of monsters came to the continent from the other spheres. They were overtaking some parts of the map. Witchers were created to hunt and kill those monsters through supernaturally powerful skills and training. They were created by magic which is probably why there is a healthy amount of skepticism between mages and witchers. It's not really dissimilar from what mages themselves go through, only more brutal physically.

He is extremely dangerous. But fair. Geralt is indifferent to him, but Istredd generally respects him. Even if he finds him irritating. I wouldn't start a fight with him again.

It's as good as he's going to get and truthfully it does make him feel a little bit better, not seeming like he's always going behind Istredd's back.

And some stringy blonde thing, still don't know her deal. He saw her again, glaring at the three brothers at Josselyn's execution. She shot me point-blank with a crossbow. He pats his side, one of the two injuries that Istredd patched up. He does not mention his palm. Two different incidents.

"But!" He makes an annoyed sound, some of his animated nature coming back to him, slowly, as he gestures with both hands. He had wings, Istredd! Do you know how insulting that is? This irritating speck of a human who rebuffed my brother constantly to be his vessel, and the goddamn Singularity gives him wings!? And other abilities much like ours? I mean! What the hell! How was he supposed to just!! Let that go!!!

At least Dean and the rest of his posse had been equally shocked by the wings.

I've always wondered what he is--so of course you'd have the answer I wanted--and how Dean accepted him. My top-tiered demons, lets call them lieutenants, because 'Princes' would hardly mean much in this context, had yellow eyes. It was very disconcerting, but I knew he wasn't one of mine.

Just as he could tell Dante wasn't one of his, but there was definitely something demonic there, unlike Geralt.

It would be fun to have another Horizon fight, consensual, and without either of us under afflictions this time. He's a good match.

At first he thinks he's talking about Ciri, which would make him defensive, but stringy is not a comment anyone would make about her. Istredd guesses instead that it was Jo, who he met on the back of the turtle, but he doesn't know well enough to say for certain. She was grieving Dean, that was when they still thought he was dead. She seemed like a good woman, if brisk in her grief. Enough to talk to him when injured despite her feelings.

That group from what I can tell are all monster hunters of some kind. It isn't a surprise Geralt fell in with them. From what Lucifer said, Dean and his brother were hunters. Just like Geralt. Ciri must be close to them as well. He notes that for his own knowledge.

Istredd lets him rant about the wings. He knows that Lucifer is very proud and serious about his true self and heritage, and that is all fair and reasonable. I can see how that would be upsetting, an enemy given the appearance and skills of your kind. He doesn't know why the Singularity would do that other than it might have a sense of humor. Or it might be his close relationship with Castiel shining more than his hatred of Lucifer and Michael.

But Lucifer barely has access to his angel self. Feeling bitter about it is normal. He pats Lucifer's shoulder in solidarity. I wouldn't hold onto it though if you can help it. It's only going to upset and hurt you in the long term. Upset like he is now, hurt as in having another fight. Pointless. They have bigger things to worry about.

Isterdd shakes his head. No, they're more like a hybrid of things. Human and something else. Istredd has only heard the witcher details, he hasn't asked Geralt himself for confirmation. Nor does he plan on it. He isn't a big fan of mine. Or any mages, really.

Edited 2023-05-18 12:42 (UTC)

The hilarious thing is that if Lucifer knew about Ciri--even names are something they never traded with blows--he'd have little problem stepping back. She was a fierce, feral warrior and he respected that. They haven't seen one another since the boat and maybe that was the problems with an open, political-infused environment, but their 'temporary' truce from being in the Horizon before that had still held.

He is pretty sure she's related to Geralt, not just because of the hair, there's enough people with white hair, but because of the medallion she'd been wearing and the similar type to Geralt's and the tree full of them. He wonders if Geralt's yet to notice the mark he left on the tree, but likely even if he did he'd just wipe it away with a grunt.

But he's not going to ask if Istredd knows about the girl. He doesn't need his curiosity sated. He isn't concerned about coming to blows with her on a battlefield.

The wings are just another one of Lucifer's reasons for why he always thought the Singularity had a terrible sense of humor. Even Michael agreed, months ago! And they barely ever agreed on anything!

I can't do anything about Dean right now even if I wanted. Not with him juiced up with the Mark. Myself and Geralt I think are in a neutral state. He was protecting Wilhelm in the mountains, after the escape, and he let me take him.

Istredd hasn't mentioned how he got stabbed and he would have just said 'to help others escape.' It was generally true, but his instinct was to protect Ciri in particular. His conversation with Geralt afterward has reframed some of his behavior for him, another place in which he understands he has to change, but he feels in a decent place with both of them. They'll never be friends, but in a truce is good.

By not a big fan, I think neutral is somewhere in there. We will continue to talk about the Singularity or relevant topics, and that's about it. He does answer any questions I have about the original days. And that is why sometimes Istredd sounds so confident about the history of the Summoned. He does have one of those originals who doesn't mind answering what he's asked so far.

Geralt wants an anchor here as well, if we find one. He wants to stay here with Ciri. Istredd understands that. It doesn't sound like her life on the continent was anything good. Worse than he imagined. Leave Dean to them. You shared what you could with them. That was more than enough.

And Istredd doesn't want him anywhere near Dean. Or near anyone who would mean him harm.

Lucifer is quite literally incapable of leaving the Winchesters alone for extended period of times.

Sorry, Istredd.

The only reason he's in a lull is because of the Mark, and he knows Sam would be zero fun from the stress of his brother. But the need to push and pester for that level of familiarity is there.

There's the barest hum of acknowledgement. Not agreement, not dismissal. Just very much a 'I hear you' with no other opinion because if he does agree that will just cycle into their discussion about lying. So. It's a lukewarm reception.

"I know it's getting dark, but is there anything else you want to get a look at before we go back? It's mostly just fish. And more fish. And likely fish markets packing up given the hour."

Istredd sighs at that hum because he vaguely knows the intention but he doesn't press either. He's not asking for any promises. It's not as if he plans on never speaking to Castiel again himself. He plans on checking in with him soon. It is more coming from a place of concern for Lucifer's life. Once Dean's not a threat, whatever he wants to do is fine.

"Oh yes, I definitely would like us to go directly through the fish market. Really take in the end of the day stench." He smiles and trails his pinkie finger along Lucifer's hand in the smallest of gestures, already walking them toward the portal.

"No, what I want is to go decompress and eventually snuggle in bed with my permanent icicle of a significant other." Decompress from doing something that he didn't want to do, going out and about, and while it was a success overall, he wants to take a breather and release the stress.

"And thank him for making the most of a shitty situation today."

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i'm sorry about who i am more than who he is

I like this final version

yeah that's why I was like PLEASE LET ME EDIT lol

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