abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

Istredd would readily agree all civilizations are flawed. It seems inevitable. And that the civilized aren't that far away from being uncivilized, depending on what is going on. He doesn't hate people but he's fairly realistic. He has a more positive outlook on the Summoned solely because in a way they have to find some connections with one other in order to get through this alive. It's why he thinks even the Winchester group and Lucifer and Michael could make an ongoing ceasefire. They have more to worry about than each other here.

Istredd probably wouldn't want to stay here past dark anyway. He is currently more soothed and distracted by books to be concerned about someone coming for him, but his anxiety would spike after sunset. He's been uncomfortable with the dark ever since the Pit. They could barely see for pieces of it, until the shrines turned the torches on. It's why he hid under Lucifer's bed and why he's been relieved they sleep together now.

"I love old books the best." Istredd is full out nerding at this point. He does love the smell of old books. His reasoning is probably tied to what he said before, that since so many historical texts were destroyed, it feels like the older they are, the more valid their details. It is probably not true, but it feels that way. And this place has endless older texts. Kid in a candy factory.

Of course I would. Why do you think I use the term attractive instead of handsome? Handsome would be about your vessel, attractive is all of you. Istredd rarely compliments Lucifer's body or looks because he knows very well that Lucifer has body issues due to being stuck in a human form. While he does think his vessel is handsome, it's not on the list of things he likes about Lucifer himself.

Things I like about your vessel are really about you. I like looking at your eyes because I can see through to your mind. I like when you lounge or smirk or have that singing tone because that's your personality shining through. I obviously liked how you were dressed at the ball because the style is your taste, and I knew you wanted me to find you attractive.

They both kind of did that. There was an intention to dressing the way they did. That's why it was a first date. Istredd says all this to him while flipping through a book, he can multi-task very well. If he had money he would be stacking them to decide later, so now he has to browse while he has the time.

And I know for you it's similar. Lucifer wasn't attracted or interested in people before him. He smiles as he changes books. Except for my eyes, apparently.

Edited 2023-05-14 16:20 (UTC)

You shouldn't tell me these things I will in fact use them against you.

Which is at least odd insight that he hasn't purposely done it before, except the most recent stroll outside with his singing; that he picked up on, and did use it.

So, an accurate example.

He takes to perching up on a stool that barely pokes up out of a particularly precarious stack of books.

It is a good thing Istredd can multitask because while Lucifer would preen from compliments about power and prowess Actual Personal Compliments are new. None of his fanatics would know him that closely... Thank Heavens, too. That would be miserable.

It's funny to me you didn't already know these things, I'm really not subtle. Every time you've lounged a particular feline way for the past few months I was blatantly looking. The worst was that night, you were stretched out on the bed only a foot away, it was inevitable I'd ask to kiss you.

Istredd was down so bad at that point he was never going to make it after they were sitting on the bed together. He wanted him too much, and every time Lucifer let him get closer, and allowed him in his space, it got worse. He probably wouldn't have been able to wait a hundred minutes let alone a hundred years.

I like your vessel because it lets me physically show my feelings without killing me. Lucifer having a human body means he can sweep them up into lust or cuddle in bed. Physical affection does mean a lot to him, maybe it's a love language. But it doesn't really matter what it looks like. I've been with people others would find ugly. He's not going to mention Yennefer because they don't need to bring her up, she would hate him if he ever mentioned how she looked before, and since he always really did find her beautiful.

Istredd passes by him to look at the stack of books nearby and ruffles his hair affectionately. And yes, you can definitely use that against me, but I like it so who cares.

They've already established how oblivious Lucifer is. Istredd had to, quite literally, spell it out for him and even then Lucifer didn't believe him for the start.

It's wonders that he's accepted it well enough now.

'Probably' without killing you, he corrects. There's some concern there that he could accidentally do so. Mages are still very human, after all. He'd likely be the first to defend Istredd to anyone else that the man is strong enough, but there's a difference between strength and your body is not stone.

He smirks. He thinks Istredd might regret those last words.

Then continue to try not to kill me. It's funny because he did say something like that when they were first working out how to share thoughts when Lucifer was concerned about breaking his brain in the process. Istredd isn't worried about his life in Lucifer's hands. It may be irrational and Kyle did warn him, but if he spends too much time concerned about that, it feels like it's a waste. Unless.

He considers and leans against a shelf carefully, they're not entirely the most stable, and flips open a magic book.

Is there a way I can put on some extra protections so you worry less about that? Something on his side that can soothe those concerns, basically. He knows his lover is a powerful primordial creature underneath. I don't want you to have to worry about breaking me all the time. It's possible there is no way, obviously, but he thinks it's a good idea to at least ask. Communication and all.

Lucifer did shatter all the glass in the room and that's not the last time Istredd plans on setting off the 'nuke.' It seems smart to ask.

He's never tried to kill Istredd.

But all it takes is one distraction, one wrong move.

Through all of this, he is going through the stack of books by his stool.

I don't know, unless you can find a way to fortify yourself, even temporary. He'd really like it to be a joke but it's really... not. Abraxan magic does come with a lot of options, so maybe. Maybe just not the use they'd expect. That kind of thing could actually be useful in sensible things like, y'know, combat.

Edited 2023-05-14 19:52 (UTC)

Istredd's brushed off concerns about his safety from others because he trusts Lucifer and he doesn't particularly like seeming like he can't handle himself. Something Lucifer is well aware of. But his conversations with them are different than his conversations with Lucifer, which can be more direct and honest. Outsider opinions don't matter.

Fortify how? Defensive shields both physical and mental? I'll look some things up, see what we can test out. Magic isn't perfect right away after all. They can go through a few options. Istredd considers it important to try if it puts Lucifer more at ease.

I'd like if we could be together without your fear of breaking me. So you can relax for once. He picks up a fiction book and makes a face, setting it to the side. It gives him a moment with his hand free to reach over and cup Lucifer's cheek, caressing his jaw gently, before moving on.

Edited 2023-05-14 19:59 (UTC)

Physical more than mental, he says, I'm less worried about your mind. He has technically attacked Istredd mentally before, although not to a complete extreme, but he knows the man can hold his own there.

Lucifer does have a penchant for putting his fist through people's chest. He still has those strength levels.

I don't know, he repeats, likely surprising them both when he turns his head into the touch while it's there. Need to figure out my own power. He's been fine fighting, one of the reasons he's always in the Hunting Grounds when he can get there; fine-tuning himself.

But while he compared fighting and dancing and sex, that last one has a lot more distractions than he's used to dealing with.

Istredd nods, he already assumed his mind was probably fine. They have been handling their mental side for far longer than the physical, so that's different. They are still new to this aspect. It's good that they're talking about it, there is no reason this has to be an unspoken conversation.

He likes when Lucifer leans into the occasional touch. It means something to him. And there is nothing he wouldn't do for this creature he loves. Fighting in Nocwich helps you figure it out in violence, not when vulnerable. And that is sex, at its heart. Vulnerable. Lucifer did have to let go a little in order to experience it. I'll work on some physical safety spells. We'll figure it out.

Istredd pauses and reaches over to tap Lucifer's chin, encouraging him to glance up so their eyes can meet. But remember that sex is not a requirement for our relationship. I know I've been flirting and complimentary, but it's important that you know you can always communicate your concerns or take a pause. The only thing I truly want is to be yours, whatever that looks like.

They probably should have talked about Lucifer's strength problems in bed before they actually did anything, but this is something they're still adapting to. Talking about things after they've already done it. Istredd shares the feeling of wanting Lucifer to be happy with him, to be glad he chose to do this. That's all.

He does very much hate being vulnerable.

And yet.

You'd be hard-pressed to get me to do anything I don't want to, he says, which is both his way for reassurance... and a warning.

Because for all well-behaved that Lucifer has been there will come a time where he's set towards one thing and no amount of anything from anyone will stop him.

But that's not what this is about right in this moment.

(At least they have made notable improvements when it's come to talking.)

Istredd likes to think of all people, Lucifer knows he can be vulnerable with him. He has been over and over again, throughout their friendship, but he wants that to continue. He wants to be the safe port when it comes to them.

He knows what the warning is and it's a fair one. Istredd caresses his cheek again and then releases him. I don't know, you've bent a few notable times for me. I think you have a soft spot. It is a light tease but he also is taking it seriously. He knows that it doesn't mean Lucifer will always bend for him, or that he is in a position where he can control him. That's not what he wants either.

Also for a few other people. The kids. Wanda. Kyle and Jack. Even Yennefer in a way. This is why Istredd will stand by his belief Lucifer has changed in many ways. Changing for only one person wouldn't be real change. It's the community he is starting to protect.

Istredd will definitely research what he promised. He means what he says about shrugging it off, but after a taste of Lucifer, he continues to be down bad for him.

He is very gentle as he runs fingers over titles and picks one, always careful with old books, they can break apart so easily. "This is even better than the Hayle bookstore I went to." That one was fancy and very pretty, but this is probably more Istredd's style to be honest.

It's possible Istredd is right. Lucifer's become far more mercurial than he used to be. He almost wants Istredd to be right, but he has his doubts. Keeping those doubts is likely the safest bet. But it's there, it's out there. If he thought it something easily ignored or not a concern, he wouldn't have mentioned it.

But because he did mention it he wonders if some part of him wants to be stopped if his whims take him too far.

"I bet even Hayle's bookshops were pristine," he says. "Projecting an image to the world, keeping the old stuff behind red tape. You should ask on what the price range is for some of that." The ones that caught his interest, Lucifer glancing back their way having felt those little curious sparks. "So you know what to save up."

Istredd thinks he is right. He won't bank everyone's lives on that, but it also won't stop him from throwing himself at Lucifer if he thinks it's the only option to help him or others. This is just who he is, which is something they both know. He would rather hope and try than be negative and suspicious about it. There are worse ways to die or get hurt than risking it for a loved one. He almost experienced that worse way.

He suspected this store may be of more interest to him than not, which is why he stayed and looked for it, with Lucifer prodding at him in the meantime. In his experience, he's always found more interesting things in unsuspecting locations than the royal or fancy libraries he would have to peruse. That's how he found himself in Codringher and Fenn's store and found the answers about Cirilla. No official library was going to give him that.

"I will." It may be a situation like Thevan, where bookshop owners end up liking bargaining with someone who knows the values of the books they offer. He'll have to introduce himself to the woman when they're closer to leaving. "I need to slowly refill my collection anyway.

I want to go back to Hayle. I want to pitch Ambrose allowing me access to more High Magic books. If all goes well, maybe I can claw my way into Hayle too. It's not immediate plans, it's future plans. Istredd is methodical, he'll find a way to his goal eventually.

"We'll get you your book supply back," he says lightly, switching books and making a new stack around his perch. And we'll get you to Hayle. And eventually you can have a second date with your rock. Months out, but there's time. Second round of preparations and hopefully they won't be in the middle of negotiations with factions this time.

Hopefully they won't be at war either. Not because Lucifer cares about a war, but because it would make getting to the Singularity more difficult than previously.

"That is surprisingly optimistic of you." Getting his books back, going to Hayle, eventually returning to the Singularity. It's all very hopeful and he wonders if he's rubbing off on him. Probably.

Istredd smiles at him and shakes his head at his stack. "At least keep it organized by name or genre if you're going to stack." His organizational system is ridiculous and it doesn't seem like the owner here actually cares, although it is all done correctly by genre if not filtered another way. Istredd's just picky about it. Some day maybe he'll have to open his own book store. That's an idea for fifty years or so from now.

I'm hoping the next time we go to the Singularity we might be able to get a sense of how to anchor us through it. It is one of his better ideas in accomplishing his goal of keeping them safely there.

Sure he said it in bed, but, "You're the one that said I shouldn't doubt your skill at being to achieve anything you want," he says. And he didn't, so maybe it's Istredd that needs the reminder about what he can achieve.

He glares petulantly at Istredd's back from wherever wind of books the man has immersed himself in. "It's the same stack just in opposite order!" He's not fixing it!

Ahem.

... That could be nice. The anchor.

Istredd actually blushes for a second there. And he immediately regrets it. I was talking about something else. As Lucifer pointed out during their heated exchange, Istredd had a lot of confidence at that moment. He may be a little flustered but he likes the idea of Lucifer thinking he can accomplish all those things.

"They were stacked that way for a reason." Probably. Honestly, they may not be, but Istredd is in someone else's space so he is going to follow her stacking order. The owner probably doesn't care at all, but maybe she will.

I've always planned on finding a way to keep you here, everyone who wants to stay, but I haven't found the answer yet. I think hooking us harder into the Singularity is a pathway to that. They are connected to it, yes, but this is a step above that. Even a step above Rhy's connection.

"Still counts," he chirps. "And I told you, you should up your confidence game." In other areas. He adds that last part across their minds because everything until then could just be considered normal conversation, it's the addition that maybe might sound out of place to anyone that might be listening. Lucifer's rather certain no one else is in the stacks with them, but

"That's nice." You want them fixed you can fix them yourself, Istredd. He will not ever mess up Istredd's own work. Maybe a couple other's in Thorne.

You realize it may be the opposite of that, he says. Cutting out the connection of the Singularity in order to stay put. It's an absolute extreme, but it has crossed his mind regardless, as those kind of things typically do, and that mindset is clear along with the words.

He whistles off-tune, pulls a book out from his dwindling stack, looks at the spine, and then shoves it off in some random, definitely out-of-place spot, and then props his elbows up on his knees and rests his face in his palms.

And somehow you love this man, Istredd.

"Aw, you have faith in me. How sweet." Istredd is making a joke out of it because he gets all twisted up inside about nice things said about him. In that way they can have some similarities. It means a lot to him, and he feels more optimistic just hearing it. Lucifer is genuinely sweet, something he's threatened telling everyone.

I think it's more likely to toss us out of here if we don't belong. Easier to pinpoint what shouldn't be here. If there is any way to make it work with us. Istredd wishes he had more access to information. The people of this sphere don't know enough about it. That's why I thought if we could talk to the gods .... He and Kyle have already speculated the gods are former Summoned. If so, they'd know something about staying.

Istredd narrows eyes at him and crosses to take said book out of the wrong spot, holding it to him like a treasure. "You don't need to annoy me anymore, my anxiety is soothed." In here, at least.

Or it buzzes us under the radar. If the natives don't have that connection we might just blend in. A trade. Some rando street urchin gets their Singularity connection instead of anyone high up the food chain and we get their terrestrial connection to Abraxas.

He does have faith and it hums around them despite the fact that Lucifer is being... himself, multiple times over, at the moment.

"Ohhhh, in here is just for me," he says, in those 'sweet' tones, reaching up to catch Istredd's wrist of the hand holding the book, pressing the tip of a nail in gently. He tilts his head looking up at him, brows raised. "For someone from a world with 'Chaos' you sure can't handle much for disorder."

It's possible, he concedes. Lucifer is good at seeing around his own blindspots. He is obsessed with the Singularity so all he can think about is connecting to it, learning about it. Going around it would've never occurred to him. It's a high priority. Finding any kind of solution is important. Big picture, saving the Singularity could be saving the multiverse. Or at least keeping it defended. Slightly smaller but still big picture, protecting his loved ones from their fate.

That faith means everything to him. As he already told him, Lucifer is good at this partnership. They are a perfect balance. All the more obvious considering the ways in which Lucifer manages to annoy him too. A tip of the scales in one direction more than the other.

Istredd allows him to grab hold and doesn't pull away, holding onto the book with just a slight edge of stubbornness. "I am made of Chaos." It's not about the sphere being surrounded in it. He's explained before how the balance is kept but magic is a particular type of power vibrating from his blood. "Imbalance of Chaos kills mages."

He steps closer. What is it about this feeling that you like? It's a genuine question and he means the annoyance, the way Lucifer gets under his skin on purpose. He knows it makes him feel good, that he feels triumphant. It's curious.

"Does it actually?" he asks. "Or is that just what they told you happens."

Lucifer, ever-questioning authority, even when it's not anyone in relation to him, not even his world.

There's a trill underneath the catty layers of Lucifer's mind, pinpricks of radiance through cracking dry muck. Easily, purposefully overlooked. Lucifer hums, almost as wrong as his whistle, this eerie, lulled. He has not taken his eyes from Istredd's once since he grabbed him.

He seems startlingly pleased for a moment. "Called out, hmm. I thought I could make it longer toying around. Well. Normally? Because it's fun," he says with a snap, but there's a note to his thoughts that discourage Istredd from pulling away. "A quick snack, feeding on pain, misery." He twists his grip on Istredd's wrist. "You though?" his voice softens, becoming neutral. "Sure, there's testing boundaries." And his other fun, harmless passes, not the opposite end of the spectrum that this blatant display had been.

"But. It's cracks," he says.

For as much as Lucifer badmouths humanity, he sure does reference things from it a lot. Heaven and Hell are so cut and dry, humanity is all he's got to pull from.

"There is a practice called kintsugi. It's about repairing broken pottery using gold." Or some other material dusted with powdered gold, he's not sure, that doesn't matter. "Highlighting and honoring the damage instead of sealing it up like it's nothing, like it never happened. Making beauty to imperfections, failure."

I can't find all your cracks, Lucifer says plainly, yet.

They can't fill the lines back in until they knows where the breaks are, and finding where the weak points are, what's holding strong in spite of everything.

Istredd's there. He sees him, mind and body, but he's a ghost of his full self.

Can't think Lucifer could patch a mind back together than balk at the method. Lucifer never does anything typical of most people.

He grins and finally releases Istredd's wrist, spreading his palms. "That though," he says, nodding to the treasured book, and the grin shifts to a smile. "Is you."

Edited (my continuity sanity (and then some)) 2023-05-15 06:49 (UTC)

"Yes, it does." Istredd sounds confident about that. He questions the Brotherhood in many ways, he's not very fond of them in the least, but this isn't them telling him things. "I could feel it myself while training, and sometimes even now. Master mages can die if they're not careful too. Channeling Chaos will always be a little dangerous."

It is grasping onto living power, a powerful force, and manipulating it. Istredd rarely feels the danger while using it, but it is why he is cautious rather than flippant about his magic. All of it is precise. He told Wilhelm that it's important to take it seriously. It can always go wrong, for anyone. He doesn't think Academic Magic is exempt from this.

That in itself is a new detail from Istredd. They haven't spoken about everything, that's all. He doesn't pull away, he never minds when Lucifer touches him. In fact, he loves it. It's usually him instigating.

"I know you," he says simply. To Lucifer being called out, to being able to see what he's doing. Istredd would do something similar in order to distract someone, it's just normally with thoughts rather than actions. Except being known isn't simple at all. Not for Lucifer. "I know you're worried." About him and if he's going to break.

He listens curiously to Lucifer's answer and it's true that even now those cracks are rare. Istredd keeps very controlled. Lucifer's seen that he can snap, but it is harder to do than with other people. Perhaps knowing how constant his concern is about magic explains more too. He hums in response and when Lucifer spreads his palms, Istredd reaches forward and takes his hand, that contact taken back.

I want you to see them. I want to see all of yours. There is no end to the things I want when it comes to you, Lucifer. It is partially a concern. Because he feels too much, too strongly. It is easy to scare people off with that. Istredd lifts Lucifer's hand and kisses the palm gently before releasing him.

Keep poking if you want to. I'll let you know if you cross a line. Irritation is fine. He may roll his eyes and push back, but it's all within boundaries that he's fine with. He finds it attractive, he's already said that. But when it crosses into anger, that's a different story. Lucifer knows now that he has a temper with specific triggers. He'd never been so angry with him.

When you knocked me out that night, I was angry because I was afraid you were playing me, it was a game. That I got my hopes up only to be reminded no one could see me and want me. That's a break for free. It's not even one that Istredd could say is over. He may always be a little afraid. And it's not a reflection on Lucifer, that much he wants to be clear. This is his break, his problem.

Edited 2023-05-15 13:26 (UTC)

"No, it's--" He makes a frustrated sound, though the key into where Istredd's anger had come from is troubling. He'd like to say he wouldn't do that, but he is capable. He's always been capable of that level of emotional manipulation and he can't reliably make a promise that it'd never happen.

Lucifer touches his kissed hand to the book, like it'll help will Istredd to understand.

It thrilled him anytime 'before' when he got Istredd to show something else, get a snap through the calm. And now he still gets that, just a new brand, far more vibrant. Anything 'else' has become less important.

This instance--boundaries, looking for edges--was finding the pieces that need to be repaired. Not taken away, not replaced, but repaired with the other pieces because he's still him, whole.

This was the first sign that there was fight left to Istredd. He's been there, but it's been... muted.

This is the first time that Lucifer's really seen Istredd. The Istredd he knows, the one he's been trying to find, pull out of his shell. It's okay to fight, to be you, it's okay.

This? Is a sign that you're going to be okay. That whatever else cracks--whatever else, out-of-place bits we find? We'll repair them, fill them in. You're not going to be broken, Istredd. Whatever's there will still be beautiful.

Istredd refuses to think anymore that Lucifer would play him. He never thought he would before, and when that thought came on him, terrifying at the time, it was the only time he doubted. Some day he may be proven wrong that he's an exception, that he's special, that Lucifer clings to this too much to ruin it. But not this day.

I promise I will always get annoyed when you put a book in the wrong place. No matter what I'm going through. Lucifer isn't entirely wrong though. If he had done that when Istredd first got back, or that first week or so in Thorne, he'd probably barely notice let alone do anything about it. He lost the fight in him, the ability to push back, even in the small insignificant petty moments. The person who telekinetically called a pen just so he could throw it in Lucifer's face when he was irritating him.

Maybe he did know that he's been muted and withdrawn, hiding in the Horizon frequently or in their room, and he's tried more and more. But just because he was physically out and about didn't mean he was entirely there. Istredd sighs and keeps the book close to his heart, despite not even caring that much about it. It's not about the title.

"I don't know," he says finally, and it may be one of the few times it's him saying those three words so firmly. Istredd always has an answer and something to say. He is either very wordy or absolutely silent, but he hates admitting to not know something. Even if he doesn't know something, he will have a list of ways to learn. This sounds solid, like the weight of accepting he doesn't have ten answers to one thing is heavy on him.

It seems stupid to let a month of trauma affect me this long. It's frustrating. It makes me feel weak. This is after Istredd spent all those weeks feeling undeniably weak too, nothing being good enough. He remembers lying down with Yennefer and giving up entirely, until she tried to get him to keep breathing. And it is particularly infuriating because I want you to see me in my best light now that we're together but I'm still just this.

It's almost unfortunate that they got together when Istredd was at his most traumatized, and he knows that it was part of what made Lucifer doubt it in the start too. It required him to be this vulnerable in order to reach out, but like anyone starting a new relationship, he wants to be impressive and attractive and strong and it is the opposite.

wow this ended up long he just likes a lot of things about him lol

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oh my god sorry for this block of text lol

I live for it

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