abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

"Still counts," he chirps. "And I told you, you should up your confidence game." In other areas. He adds that last part across their minds because everything until then could just be considered normal conversation, it's the addition that maybe might sound out of place to anyone that might be listening. Lucifer's rather certain no one else is in the stacks with them, but

"That's nice." You want them fixed you can fix them yourself, Istredd. He will not ever mess up Istredd's own work. Maybe a couple other's in Thorne.

You realize it may be the opposite of that, he says. Cutting out the connection of the Singularity in order to stay put. It's an absolute extreme, but it has crossed his mind regardless, as those kind of things typically do, and that mindset is clear along with the words.

He whistles off-tune, pulls a book out from his dwindling stack, looks at the spine, and then shoves it off in some random, definitely out-of-place spot, and then props his elbows up on his knees and rests his face in his palms.

And somehow you love this man, Istredd.

"Aw, you have faith in me. How sweet." Istredd is making a joke out of it because he gets all twisted up inside about nice things said about him. In that way they can have some similarities. It means a lot to him, and he feels more optimistic just hearing it. Lucifer is genuinely sweet, something he's threatened telling everyone.

I think it's more likely to toss us out of here if we don't belong. Easier to pinpoint what shouldn't be here. If there is any way to make it work with us. Istredd wishes he had more access to information. The people of this sphere don't know enough about it. That's why I thought if we could talk to the gods .... He and Kyle have already speculated the gods are former Summoned. If so, they'd know something about staying.

Istredd narrows eyes at him and crosses to take said book out of the wrong spot, holding it to him like a treasure. "You don't need to annoy me anymore, my anxiety is soothed." In here, at least.

Or it buzzes us under the radar. If the natives don't have that connection we might just blend in. A trade. Some rando street urchin gets their Singularity connection instead of anyone high up the food chain and we get their terrestrial connection to Abraxas.

He does have faith and it hums around them despite the fact that Lucifer is being... himself, multiple times over, at the moment.

"Ohhhh, in here is just for me," he says, in those 'sweet' tones, reaching up to catch Istredd's wrist of the hand holding the book, pressing the tip of a nail in gently. He tilts his head looking up at him, brows raised. "For someone from a world with 'Chaos' you sure can't handle much for disorder."

It's possible, he concedes. Lucifer is good at seeing around his own blindspots. He is obsessed with the Singularity so all he can think about is connecting to it, learning about it. Going around it would've never occurred to him. It's a high priority. Finding any kind of solution is important. Big picture, saving the Singularity could be saving the multiverse. Or at least keeping it defended. Slightly smaller but still big picture, protecting his loved ones from their fate.

That faith means everything to him. As he already told him, Lucifer is good at this partnership. They are a perfect balance. All the more obvious considering the ways in which Lucifer manages to annoy him too. A tip of the scales in one direction more than the other.

Istredd allows him to grab hold and doesn't pull away, holding onto the book with just a slight edge of stubbornness. "I am made of Chaos." It's not about the sphere being surrounded in it. He's explained before how the balance is kept but magic is a particular type of power vibrating from his blood. "Imbalance of Chaos kills mages."

He steps closer. What is it about this feeling that you like? It's a genuine question and he means the annoyance, the way Lucifer gets under his skin on purpose. He knows it makes him feel good, that he feels triumphant. It's curious.

"Does it actually?" he asks. "Or is that just what they told you happens."

Lucifer, ever-questioning authority, even when it's not anyone in relation to him, not even his world.

There's a trill underneath the catty layers of Lucifer's mind, pinpricks of radiance through cracking dry muck. Easily, purposefully overlooked. Lucifer hums, almost as wrong as his whistle, this eerie, lulled. He has not taken his eyes from Istredd's once since he grabbed him.

He seems startlingly pleased for a moment. "Called out, hmm. I thought I could make it longer toying around. Well. Normally? Because it's fun," he says with a snap, but there's a note to his thoughts that discourage Istredd from pulling away. "A quick snack, feeding on pain, misery." He twists his grip on Istredd's wrist. "You though?" his voice softens, becoming neutral. "Sure, there's testing boundaries." And his other fun, harmless passes, not the opposite end of the spectrum that this blatant display had been.

"But. It's cracks," he says.

For as much as Lucifer badmouths humanity, he sure does reference things from it a lot. Heaven and Hell are so cut and dry, humanity is all he's got to pull from.

"There is a practice called kintsugi. It's about repairing broken pottery using gold." Or some other material dusted with powdered gold, he's not sure, that doesn't matter. "Highlighting and honoring the damage instead of sealing it up like it's nothing, like it never happened. Making beauty to imperfections, failure."

I can't find all your cracks, Lucifer says plainly, yet.

They can't fill the lines back in until they knows where the breaks are, and finding where the weak points are, what's holding strong in spite of everything.

Istredd's there. He sees him, mind and body, but he's a ghost of his full self.

Can't think Lucifer could patch a mind back together than balk at the method. Lucifer never does anything typical of most people.

He grins and finally releases Istredd's wrist, spreading his palms. "That though," he says, nodding to the treasured book, and the grin shifts to a smile. "Is you."

Edited (my continuity sanity (and then some)) 2023-05-15 06:49 (UTC)

"Yes, it does." Istredd sounds confident about that. He questions the Brotherhood in many ways, he's not very fond of them in the least, but this isn't them telling him things. "I could feel it myself while training, and sometimes even now. Master mages can die if they're not careful too. Channeling Chaos will always be a little dangerous."

It is grasping onto living power, a powerful force, and manipulating it. Istredd rarely feels the danger while using it, but it is why he is cautious rather than flippant about his magic. All of it is precise. He told Wilhelm that it's important to take it seriously. It can always go wrong, for anyone. He doesn't think Academic Magic is exempt from this.

That in itself is a new detail from Istredd. They haven't spoken about everything, that's all. He doesn't pull away, he never minds when Lucifer touches him. In fact, he loves it. It's usually him instigating.

"I know you," he says simply. To Lucifer being called out, to being able to see what he's doing. Istredd would do something similar in order to distract someone, it's just normally with thoughts rather than actions. Except being known isn't simple at all. Not for Lucifer. "I know you're worried." About him and if he's going to break.

He listens curiously to Lucifer's answer and it's true that even now those cracks are rare. Istredd keeps very controlled. Lucifer's seen that he can snap, but it is harder to do than with other people. Perhaps knowing how constant his concern is about magic explains more too. He hums in response and when Lucifer spreads his palms, Istredd reaches forward and takes his hand, that contact taken back.

I want you to see them. I want to see all of yours. There is no end to the things I want when it comes to you, Lucifer. It is partially a concern. Because he feels too much, too strongly. It is easy to scare people off with that. Istredd lifts Lucifer's hand and kisses the palm gently before releasing him.

Keep poking if you want to. I'll let you know if you cross a line. Irritation is fine. He may roll his eyes and push back, but it's all within boundaries that he's fine with. He finds it attractive, he's already said that. But when it crosses into anger, that's a different story. Lucifer knows now that he has a temper with specific triggers. He'd never been so angry with him.

When you knocked me out that night, I was angry because I was afraid you were playing me, it was a game. That I got my hopes up only to be reminded no one could see me and want me. That's a break for free. It's not even one that Istredd could say is over. He may always be a little afraid. And it's not a reflection on Lucifer, that much he wants to be clear. This is his break, his problem.

Edited 2023-05-15 13:26 (UTC)

"No, it's--" He makes a frustrated sound, though the key into where Istredd's anger had come from is troubling. He'd like to say he wouldn't do that, but he is capable. He's always been capable of that level of emotional manipulation and he can't reliably make a promise that it'd never happen.

Lucifer touches his kissed hand to the book, like it'll help will Istredd to understand.

It thrilled him anytime 'before' when he got Istredd to show something else, get a snap through the calm. And now he still gets that, just a new brand, far more vibrant. Anything 'else' has become less important.

This instance--boundaries, looking for edges--was finding the pieces that need to be repaired. Not taken away, not replaced, but repaired with the other pieces because he's still him, whole.

This was the first sign that there was fight left to Istredd. He's been there, but it's been... muted.

This is the first time that Lucifer's really seen Istredd. The Istredd he knows, the one he's been trying to find, pull out of his shell. It's okay to fight, to be you, it's okay.

This? Is a sign that you're going to be okay. That whatever else cracks--whatever else, out-of-place bits we find? We'll repair them, fill them in. You're not going to be broken, Istredd. Whatever's there will still be beautiful.

Istredd refuses to think anymore that Lucifer would play him. He never thought he would before, and when that thought came on him, terrifying at the time, it was the only time he doubted. Some day he may be proven wrong that he's an exception, that he's special, that Lucifer clings to this too much to ruin it. But not this day.

I promise I will always get annoyed when you put a book in the wrong place. No matter what I'm going through. Lucifer isn't entirely wrong though. If he had done that when Istredd first got back, or that first week or so in Thorne, he'd probably barely notice let alone do anything about it. He lost the fight in him, the ability to push back, even in the small insignificant petty moments. The person who telekinetically called a pen just so he could throw it in Lucifer's face when he was irritating him.

Maybe he did know that he's been muted and withdrawn, hiding in the Horizon frequently or in their room, and he's tried more and more. But just because he was physically out and about didn't mean he was entirely there. Istredd sighs and keeps the book close to his heart, despite not even caring that much about it. It's not about the title.

"I don't know," he says finally, and it may be one of the few times it's him saying those three words so firmly. Istredd always has an answer and something to say. He is either very wordy or absolutely silent, but he hates admitting to not know something. Even if he doesn't know something, he will have a list of ways to learn. This sounds solid, like the weight of accepting he doesn't have ten answers to one thing is heavy on him.

It seems stupid to let a month of trauma affect me this long. It's frustrating. It makes me feel weak. This is after Istredd spent all those weeks feeling undeniably weak too, nothing being good enough. He remembers lying down with Yennefer and giving up entirely, until she tried to get him to keep breathing. And it is particularly infuriating because I want you to see me in my best light now that we're together but I'm still just this.

It's almost unfortunate that they got together when Istredd was at his most traumatized, and he knows that it was part of what made Lucifer doubt it in the start too. It required him to be this vulnerable in order to reach out, but like anyone starting a new relationship, he wants to be impressive and attractive and strong and it is the opposite.

"Those are my words," he berates lightly. Most people have skeletons in their closet. Lucifer has piles of the words 'I don't know,' thrown out and tiredly extracted by too many people that wanted an answer Lucifer didn't know how to have. "I don't care about your best, but..."

Fine, he says, one word brimming with power. Don't trust yourself. Because Istredd clearly, barely, has it. Lucifer stands, finally, off of his stolen stool perch and putting him very much into Istredd's space. "Trust me."

Istredd's hands lift to curl fingers into the collar of his shirt, not leaning out of Lucifer's orbit; if anything he leans into it. He feels like he can breathe here, in this book store, far from the castle and everything related to the kidnapping, clinging to Lucifer.

"You know that I do." They are in a corner and no one else is in the shop so he is confident he can get away with leaning his forehead against Lucifer's. You are so damned good at this, Lucifer. Charming and supportive and vulnerable. Lucifer is at his best. Even in Istredd's fantasies, he couldn't imagine feeling this good all the time.

This is a jump away from when you were concerned me shattering would shatter you.

There's gotta be some perks to being a fallen angel, maybe. He shouldn't be good at this, but he does have a very high intuition.

He gives Istredd a mental flick.

Because.

No.

Nope.

Let's be perfectly clear.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm still very concerned. You are currently nowhere close to being shattered. You can't go be reckless and actually get your mind exploded, Istredd. I can fix cracks, I can't fix hundreds of shards. The room in Hayle? No fixing that. Shattered mind? And then he actually flicks the side of Istredd's head with a hand. "Don't let it happen."

"Lucifer." Istredd smiles faintly and shakes his head. If I was going to break, I would have done it down there. I did choose to live, despite it not seeming that way. I could have laid down and died any number of ways. Yes he prioritized getting the kids out and being stabbed for Ciri, but he could have given into the wounds or lost all fight. He was in very bad shape by the end and succumbing to injuries would be easy.

He flinches at both flicks and smacks Lucifer's hand away. There, a little extra spice. "This isn't going to happen forever." No matter how it feels or how frustrated it makes him. Istredd sounds confident. Healing takes time. I really am going to be okay. Just as he wouldn't be insecure about them forever either, as promised. Adjustments.

"I have a beautiful mind too and it's not going anywhere."

Edited 2023-05-16 04:39 (UTC)

Ah, yeah, see, I'm already months-from-now concerned, he admits. Like. He remembers the watered-down feel of the Singularity's defense measures. For all Istredd's continued poking and prodding and wanting to understand, Lucifer's braced for the Singularity to react poorly no matter how respectful Istredd is towards His Rock. Not now, current, concerned. This is me, thinking of our future.

He's future planning on Istredd doing something(s) stupid. The continued 'you need to be careful' extends so far beyond from now.

You have a tendency to be extremely focused in your goals and maybe not see the dangers coming at you.

Edited 2023-05-16 04:42 (UTC)

Istredd pauses and then scrunches up his nose, making a face, but it is acknowledgment and not a denial. He is reckless and often careless. He gets laser focused. This connection began because of him not caring about the dangers of them going to the Singularity or what it meant politically. He was not alone in that journey, but it was his idea, and him driving it.

His reaction to everything that happened will be to dive head first into the next step to get to answers. He wants them more than ever before. Geralt warned him not to play around with gods or greater forces. Intellectually Istredd knows he is right. He probably still will do it though. It's compulsive in a way.

Kyle cautioned me about us. Not as an insult to you, but he said to keep you safe, I had to protect myself first. Be more careful with my life, I suppose. Some of it may have been about Lucifer being untrustworthy, but he could see in Kyle's fear that it also had to do with how Lucifer spun out. He nearly killed Kyle because he snapped.

How far is Istredd willing to go for his knowledge? For the Singularity? Will he lead everyone to a pile of ash, where meaning well is a joke? What would he sacrifice? He doesn't know. Right now he would be more conservative than how it would be in the moment.

What would you have me do?

He's not sure there still wasn't an insult to Lucifer in whatever Kyle warned Istredd about, but that'd just be par for the course. The only person Lucifer's had to 'defend himself' to was Jack Townsend and even that, strangely, was a sensible conversation. Well. Sensible where the two of them were involved, that is.

"Stop," he says simply. "And think."

This from someone who had been bound up in story and prophecy and had his long-game stretched out under his own power and yet a controlled descent by someone other than himself. This from someone who despite going full reckless-abandon knew where the marbles would scatter when he kicked through a pile of them. That could see the sprawl of the consequences of his actions, he just didn't care about them.

It's as he thought the day he forced Istredd's hand to form the bond:

So many people that were so smart, but so very dumb.

It shouldn't be so easy as 'stop and think' but then does Istredd, ever, really stop? That right there is the hard part. To just stop moving, stop being in so many different places at once, and really think through the cost of what he's doing for the things he wants.

Edited 2023-05-16 05:21 (UTC)

Istredd smoothes out Lucifer's shirt from where he had curled his fingers in. Before coming here, there was one thing I did that I wish I could take back. I was caught up in intellectual discovery and believing I was doing the right thing, I was so sure. Now all I can see is how big of a mistake it was.

He hunted down the truth about Cirilla from what he found out from Geralt. It should have been difficult to break apart that information, but his bright and sharp mind jumped the distance to answers. And the more he learned, the more excited he was for what it could all mean. She wasn't a person to him, she was a name on a page, and her destiny was the important thing on the continent. Istredd didn't see it as selling her out to the elves, at the time he believed it would save them, as he promised to do, and it was what she was meant for. He regrets it now, that much is obvious, the regret is pouring out of him. He didn't stop to consider what was the best path, he had to do something, he thought.

His feelings are a bit of a mess right then, a soup of them, and he pulls away from Lucifer, putting the book back where it was supposed to go. How am I supposed to just change the .... There is a pause where Istredd hesitates, stopping in the middle of the sentence, and it's like his mind skitters.

His mood shifts in a second and he starts laughing. It's such a sudden burst that he covers it up, although swallowing it down doesn't change the mixture of amusement in his mind. I was about to ask you, of all people, how was I supposed to change a fundamental personality quality? After months of convincing you how change is good and breaking down your walls.

It's kind of like how Lucifer laughed when he realized how ridiculous it was that back in the day the idea of allowing Istredd in his mind made him threaten him, and now they're permanently connected mentally. Istredd shakes his head, knowing it must have sounded random to the owner. Stop and think, someone says, and the other person laughs at them.

He's really laughing at himself.

But I'm here being stubborn. Like an idiot. I'm sorry.

Edited (i'm sorry about who i am) 2023-05-17 22:13 (UTC)

He startles at the sudden laughter, blinking before it all catches up to him and he grins, slow, feeling the same amusement rattle on through.

Tag, he says, you're it. And then he adds because ugh, culture problems, It's your turn to experience the gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking emotions surrounding trying to stumble your way through a different frame of mind.

He follows after Istredd, putting a hand to his shoulder briefly as he passes by. "Honestly, if you take ten seconds to stop and do some weird breathing meditation exercise, that alone would be something to start with."

Yeah, the owner if never going to look at either of them the same way the next time they come in, that's for sure.

It's terrible, I hate it. I take back everything I've ever told you. Istredd smiles and shakes his head. It is definitely going to be gut-wrenching and painful and require him to witness his flaws and deal with them, but for now, it's honestly still pretty funny.

Istredd is a 'do as I say not as I do' person in everything. He may have to actually learn how to start taking his own advice (and a taste of his own medicine).

In my defense about the Singularity trip, I passed that idea by Stephen, Yennefer, Rhy, Kell, and Ambrose first, it wasn't me going rogue. Every person going on the trip had to sign off on the idea and what it may mean. Probably Stephen, Yennefer, and Ambrose were the people able to see the big picture and decide to go for it anyway. So as blind as he can be, focused on his goals, he did get several second opinions. They just weren't Lucifer.

"I would get that book for sentimental reasons later on but it's fiction and I don't read fiction." Istredd does, however, remember exactly where he put it. He is a very sentimental person. He probably will get it and never read it, for the symbolic nature.

Time to start learning, champ. It's a grind, and not a fun one.

Cool, I'm going to go start a war, he says without seriousness. There is always the (high) possibility he's going to start a war anyway, but there are multiple motivations to that kind of thing. He's more likely going to claim 'necessity' than 'just because.'

You know the concept of an echo chamber is? It's an environment (because if he says 'social media' he's going to lose Istredd) in which a person encounters only beliefs or opinions that coincide with their own, so that their existing views are reinforced and alternative ideas are not considered. So. Not in your defense, that's what you did. Sorry buddy he just needs you to see where he's been coming from. You asked all like-minded people. Of course they were going to agree and not see the flaw.

To even out his stab into Istredd's character, he adds with more humor, "Jack's putting enough fiction books into your tower, you don't need more." He's trying to navigate the way out of this impossibly-large maze for the size that the building looked from the outside.

He, too, remembers where Istredd put the book.

"I already told you no," Istredd says with mild seriousness about the starting of a war. They probably all will be starting a war at some point. Lucifer won't be the only one involved in whatever's coming next. It's the specifically trying to be king part that's a solid no.

Istredd is having no problems at all navigating the bookstore. He's taking the scenic route because he likes it. There is a very clear way that he is moving, instinctive, turning in the right places, that is just natural for someone who has spent decades in libraries. He hooks a hand in Lucifer's elbow when he starts going in the wrong direction and tugs him the right way.

They do pass by the owner on the way out and he respectfully nods to her. She looks at them both but doesn't say anything before going back to what she's reading. But she probably will remember them, strange outsiders that they are, being strange in the history section. Also Istredd will be back annoying her before long once he gets actual money.

He is taking this time to consider what Lucifer is saying. I know a version of the echo chamber. It hasn't been called that, but the concept is not new or specific to one world. It happens in the Brotherhood frequently. Unsurprising when there are a lot of old mages all with their own motivations and political beliefs blended into one place. Their bickering is polarizing, and all 'sides' don't like to cede ground. Istredd left when it was clear there was no point in talking to them.

He could point out Yennefer agreed, but Yennefer and Istredd are in fact very like-minded; it's their personalities that are vastly different. Neither of them cared much about the consequences if it meant getting what they wanted. Trying to figure out answers about her magic was a big driving force of that. And they did find out something very important. They were raised in the same place, it probably isn't a surprise they share a similar mindset when it comes to the same thing. Power for her, knowledge for him.

So you want me to run all my potentially dangerous plans through you, is what you're saying. It didn't stop him from going to the Singularity, although Lucifer has a lot more influence over him now than he did then.

If only Istredd could've applied his book-maze sense to when he was stuck in an actual labyrinth.

He salutes the owner on the way out. Her face may be in a book, but he believes she saw him, anyway.

Back into the strong smell of fish.

While in an ideal world he'd say yes, only give me knowledge, only rely on me, that's... not really where his head's at. Doesn't need it to be at. Doesn't need Istredd to run an idea by him and maybe that's out of some security for himself because Lucifer won't run everything by Istredd, for whatever reasons he might make up for a given situation.

Or Kyle. Or Natasha. Or Thancred. Lenore, if she was still here. Look at that, the list of people Lucifer actually respects the opinion of. That's grown substantially, and that... mostly all happened while Istredd was in the dark.

He was magically kept from getting out of the labyrinth. Not the same thing.

It is an interesting list and yes, would seem to have happened during that ordeal. Not Kyle, they both already trusted Kyle enough to have their talks with him about theories and ideas of this place. Istredd would have already put Thancred and Natasha on his list himself, but it's interesting that Lucifer is.

He studies him closely though, frowning as the humor from the bookstore fades away. But we tell each other if it's important. Istredd raises an eyebrow at him. "Right?"

"If it's important," he agrees firmly, reassuring.

What that definition of 'important' though is very different when you're a Chaos-blooded mage and an inhuman celestial creature.

He's toying a very careful line but he's had enough private conversations that he made sure Istredd couldn't key into that when he's very focused, as he's been this entire trip, he'd pass a lie detector. Keep whatever level his thoughts have been at, like maintaining a heart rate. Steady, allowing a form of concern to show through.

The best lies are the truth. Omission, obfuscation. Not telling someone everything, telling them the truth--but specifically the parts they'd want to hear, or give them something to obscure what you're really trying to hide.

I just don't want you to feel chained down to me; that's not fair. He frowns at Istredd. We're partners, I don't control you, even if it would make my life way easier, sometimes.

Istredd gives him a long skeptical look and stops, reaching out to take Lucifer's arm and stop him too. It doesn't matter they're in public, it's starting to get dark anyway, and he may as well be staring right into Lucifer's soul at this point. If he had one.

Let me be clear. Lucifer already told him exactly how he lied. He saw it for himself. It's the only way he's a good liar too, as they've already communicated. If the answer is no, that's fine. I have details of my own that I can't share with you. It's unfortunate, and sometimes it does make him deeply sad that he can't share everything with someone, no matter who it is, even the man he loves. But it is reality. He doesn't live in a fantasy.

Cirilla is going to be protected, no matter what. He may trust Lucifer with himself, but he doesn't trust him with her.

But don't try to play me. You literally told me how you lie on our way to the docks. Istredd releases him and continues on the walk back to the portal. He already mentioned how badly he handled feeling like Lucifer was playing him. He won't handle it well at any point.

For instance, you didn't know that Geralt's from my sphere and that I know him. I also know that he's been your go-between with the Winchesters. Surprise, he can actually keep things to himself. He's only mentioning it now because it is more public.

Edited 2023-05-18 03:24 (UTC)

Lucifer scowls at Istredd's back. He knows it isn't even the link screwing him over like he thought it might one day. Istredd knows him well enough physically to read the lines of deceit. It's one of those reminders, the one that constantly hounds him, asking the angel: is it worth it to be so known.

He swats away at it like a fly.

Congrats, Lucifer says, a little too sharp, you remembered the lesson even through your anxiety.

Hadn't he also wondered how capable he was at playing Istredd? Just what he would do?

But the mention of Geralt side-swipes him in a way he didn't expect and it's one thing being pit buddies, like Castiel, but it's another thing for them being from the same world, and that's just something else he knows is coming back to bite him, doesn't that just figure?

He also tried to kill me, he says airily. Twice. He waves a hand. Got a good taste out of each other in the Horizon; you two should compare notes on my blood. That was before I put my arm through his chest.

The other part of Lucifer's particular attitude that he didn't discuss with Istredd back in the bookstore is that he's recognized a tendency to, well, self-destruct. Istredd's been on the receiving end of that enough but it has been awhile and maybe the smartest thing for Istredd to do is just walk away for the moment.

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oh my god sorry for this block of text lol

I live for it

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i'm sorry about who i am more than who he is

I like this final version

yeah that's why I was like PLEASE LET ME EDIT lol

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