abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

His hands slide from Lucifer's face down to his shirt and he plays with the high collar there, one of the buckles, his hands liking to be busy with so much freedom to touch now. He takes a great deal of comfort from this. It might be a long time before it stops feeling like he's been starved.

He smiles since he knows why that would give Lucifer a good feeling. "I've told you before people can surprise you." Istredd may not be great with people, but he is observant. And he is getting better with them too. "I know you're not used to people seeing your worst side and sticking around, but we're not in your sphere. You've given them reasons to care and see past it."

Castiel tried to warn Istredd about who Lucifer had been, and he understood it was well meant, but he told him straight forwardly that Lucifer was already forthright about his dark past. He didn't care about the past. Although I did like being the special one who knew you the best. Istredd playfully pouts.

They really, really did surprise him. Lenore most of all, who he had only met once in passing and then wasn't even trying to be kind when she talked to him, and she came back. More than once. He keeps assuming she'll realize it's better to be done with him, and yet.

And Natasha, who was literally stuck in a small space with him the starving lion, not faltering and matching him point for point.

It mattered.

He plucks the folded black pocket square from Istredd's outfit and unfolds it and then refolds it into a flat, stretched out rectangle.

Istredd busies his hands with touch. Lucifer just fidgets anytime he can get his hand on something not nailed, or sewn, down.

You're still special, don't fret. No one is ever going to get to the level of 'knowing me' that you have.

Istredd isn't surprised that the other Thorne people accepted him rather than shied away. Lucifer said himself about how unique their particular group is. Everyone probably has shadows they're dealing with. They're probably all hoping to be taken on their own merits here.

He moves his hands to himself to get his tie off entirely but then he playfully puts it around Lucifer's neck instead. Istredd undoes the buckles of Lucifer's shirt because it looks like he has another one underneath, and they're supposed to be getting more comfortable anyway. They're not going to sleep in these clothes.

I'm happy you opened up to others. I want everyone to see you the way I see you. Istredd pauses and then wryly smiles. Well, maybe not exactly how I see you. He doesn't want everyone in this castle to be as in love with Lucifer as he is. That would get complicated fast.

"You're not still worried about being a placeholder, right? Have I convinced you thoroughly otherwise?"

"You've done a pretty stellar job at convincing me otherwise," he says.

He's now weaving his stolen fabric over-under his fingers on one of his hands before pressing it alongside Istredd's cheek and pulling him in for a brief, amused but reassuring kiss. He leans back completely before it can be anything more than that, both his hands to the mattress behind him, getting quite the full view of Istredd atop him.

"And you?" he tosses back, delicately for two words. Don't think I didn't notice your irrational reaction to Kyle. Kyle That Weasel.

Istredd is glad to hear that, although he doubts it's the last time they might end up talking about Yennefer. As long as Lucifer understands that this is a mutual and satisfying relationship. But it's hard to be insecure when sharing feelings so intimately all the time.

He returns the kiss and soaks it in since it's rarely Lucifer who instigates, but lets him lean back without complaint. He's being spoiled with how much Lucifer is indulging him at every turn. It's a very nice view from up here too, looking down at him lounging all attractively.

Istredd sighs at that though, rolling his eyes, although it's at himself and not at Lucifer. It looked for a second like he was going to actually kiss you in front of everyone. I think it's somewhat fair to not like that. The irrational part is he hated Kyle touching his face, kissing him anywhere at all.

"It took a long while before you let me be like this with you."

"Well believe me when I say it was nothing to get jealous over."

He likely could get away without mentioning the reason it happened, but then Istredd doesn't need any reason to feel the way he does.

"He ah..." Yet Lucifer winces anyway. "Only reason I let him that close is that he set it up as a punishment."

Again, Lucifer expected more stabbing. He rolls his eyes briefly to the ceiling and the remnants of his guilt follows with it before he makes eye contact with Istredd.

"For my nearly killing him on the mountain."

Istredd did think it strange Lucifer was allowing it which is probably part of why he reacted so dramatically. It wasn't just that Kyle was doing it, it was that Lucifer didn't pull away. But he raises an eyebrow when Lucifer starts to explain the whys of it.

He waits since he knows Lucifer is going to get around to it and he can feel the guilt so when he explains, he's surprised but it's not ultimately that shocking. "Let me guess, you were on edge because you thought I was dead and you couldn't find the kids so you overreacted when you thought someone was in your way." It's unfortunate. This does give some context to why Kyle seemed a little nervous around Lucifer or talking about him.

"Please tell me you didn't plan on just letting him stab you in front of everyone as an apology." Because for one, Istredd feels confident Kyle wouldn't do that, and for two, it's a ridiculous thing to allow instead of a real apology.

"There were acolytes involved," Lucifer adds, like that should help, like really that alone should explain the rest of the gaps in Istredd's put-together story. "He was between me and my target."

And there was already one dead acolyte at Lucifer's feet.

"A little minor stabbing wouldn't have done much to me, he knows that." Considering he slashed Lucifer. "But given we were dancing it could've been subtle enough to make a point."

He wasn't concerned for himself or a scene being made, basically.

"We're fine, anyway. I apologized to him before we left Nocwich and he took it in stride." He also never flinched when they were dancing, which was sign enough for Lucifer.

"That would do it." It does fill in the gaps. Lucifer was probably drowning on rage at that point, something Istredd is well aware he feeds from. He wouldn't be able to tell friend from foe at the time. It's not an excuse and Kyle has every reason to be upset and distrustful, no one should be concerned a friend would turn on them. But it makes logical sense.

Istredd frowns at him. "Do not let people stab you, Lucifer." That bothers him more than the idea of someone kissing him. Well, about the same level of bothering. "I don't care what you've done or that you'll be fine. No stabbing of my partner allowed." Lucifer already knows that Istredd is very protective of him. He would have probably attacked Kyle if that did happen and made a scene. So it's for everyone's benefit it didn't happen.

"I'm glad to hear you apologized without prompting though." That would be unheard of before he did it with Wilhelm. Another sign he was changing. "Kyle's smart. He probably understands you wouldn't ordinarily act that way toward him."

"It wouldn't even bruise this time," he argues, maybe just because. Considering Istredd cleaned up his wounds that one time after he was beyond exhausted and not healing right, this reaction shouldn't be a surprise.

He may be more connected to this vessel more than he has with any if them, through circumstance, but it's still just another piece of clothing for him to wear. Three-piece flesh suit: bone, muscle, and skin.

"But fine," he agrees, like Istredd is the strange one here.

He'd asked Natasha for help with the apology because Kyle was too valuable for him to just... lose. They're not friends.

But maybe they could be, one day.

"He's smart but not doing so hot at the moment. Not because of me, his own... Issues. I don't know. He might bounce back."

"I don't care. I love you and people don't get to stab you." Sure, he's the weird one here! Not wanting his partner to get violently assaulted just because it would barely hurt him. "I would have had to attack Kyle and I really don't want to, he's a friend." But Istredd would have. Not to hurt him, no doubt, but more likely to put a shield around Lucifer and force space between them. It is rare he uses magic aggressively even now.

Istredd does see Kyle as a friend. Maybe not the closest of friends, but he feels like they have been opening up to each other more. They conspiracy theory like usual, but there's real talk in there too now.

"It did seem very strange of him to do that in his right mind." Kyle just didn't seem the type. Istredd's concerned now for him. Yes he can go from thinking about attacking him to worry for a friend. They can both be real. Maybe that ends the last of his prickles of jealousy.

"None of us are doing that well, apparently."

God and Lucifer would've actually gotten between the two of them, how screwed up is his life that he values multiple people?

It's optimistic of Istredd though that in the moment he'd have been able to notice. If Lucifer thought Kyle was going to stab him, he'd damn well make sure Istredd was unaware, in this particular circumstance anyway. Others, well. He'd need Istredd to know.

"He was drinking and depressed, among other things, but I'm not going to share his intoxicated rambles."

This would have been a bad time for the Summoned to seem like they were in the middle of conflict too. So he supposes he'll have to live with Kyle kissing Lucifer's head over the other option. Whatever. A moment of jealousy is much better than anger.

That doesn't sound good at all. He nods to show he has no plans on pushing Lucifer for more details, whatever Kyle said to him can stay there. They may share most things, but it's okay for sometimes their conversations with others to stay that way. He's glad he knows that Kyle is struggling though, if only to keep tabs on him.

"I'll check in with him. That sounds very unlike him." They might not all know each other extremely well, outside of Lucifer and Istredd themselves, but it seems bizarre enough behavior to worry about. Sometimes Istredd's gentle prodding isn't better than Lucifer's, but who knows. They're a team.

"I'm sorry I was jealous. But it could have been worse. I could have dealt with my insecurity by knocking my partner out during an intimate moment." Istredd smiles oh so sweetly at him. He can bring that back up to tease him, he's allowed.

"He ran himself ragged as much, if not more, than the rest of us." Lucifer's been better about recovery given that he's been a cat basking in Istredd's presence.

Kyle's moved out and is presumably rooming alone. How quickly that happened after they got back to Thorne, Lucifer doesn't remember very well, just as he has troubling remembering Jack about Sabine.

And then, aggrieved, Lucifer groans and leans back in again, ducking his head and then flicking the woven pocket square at Istredd's face.

See, look at that, you've got way more maturity for being younger. He's not talking about the fabric, obviously, but his very panicked moment that he will never live down.

"Which I'm very thankful for. I'll test the waters." Kyle is a private person so it is unlikely he will open up easily, but there is no harm in at least trying. Istredd is fairly good at stepping carefully around others; he had to do it with Lucifer for a long time.

Istredd full out has no idea about Sabine and Jack. It didn't come up when he talked to her. Or that Kyle moved out.

He laughs when Lucifer groans and throws the pocket square at him, tossing it to the side. Sometimes he can be the snarky one. Istredd runs both of his hands through Lucifer's hair at once, mussing it even more than he already has tonight, it's practically bedhead at this point.

I'll admit, we probably should have paused and made sure we were on the same page. It was risking their friendship by letting things continue without doing so, but Istredd wasn't exactly thinking. At all. But you try being in love with someone for months and have them kiss you for the first time. I was weak. He was going with the flow. Enjoying the moment. Nervous about stopping and losing it.

"I'm not going to say you did the right thing, because then you might think you can knock me out any time." Not good! "But you were not wrong to prioritize communicating."

Edited 2023-04-25 21:45 (UTC)

He doesn't exactly know how to try being in love with someone for months ha, but he does understand being weak. It's part of the reason why he just threw caution to the wind and went with it.

Well if I hadn't done it, it likely would be weeks from then before I exploded, so really, all things considered, I was helping us out. He hems and haws before he adds, I didn't want to make sure we were on the page because I was certain we weren't even in the same book.

Also saying he's 'not wrong' instead of saying he was right is just about as bad and rude as Lucifer saying 'I don't not want you.'

But he kindly doesn't mention it.

Same book. He kisses his right cheek. Same page. He kisses his left cheek. Same sentence. A kiss to his lips although light and gentle. It genuinely had not occurred to Istredd at the time that Lucifer would have doubts that way. He was too much in his own head about whether he could be wanted. They are very stupid for two generally smart people.

"Actually, since we're talking about it." He smiles at him. Why not? They're already here. "When did you know you wouldn't mind kissing me?" Istredd has been up front about when this started for him. Months, and vaguely at least around the time the bond happened. Probably when they both started down this path.

He shivers from the very simple actions.

Damn this man.

But the question gets a quizzical buzz and a cocked head tilt.

"That moment," he says. "When you said." No lead up. No previous considerations, but then it would never have crossed his mind. "It seemed like a good idea that I'd regret later." Turns out he didn't have regrets later, who'd have thought.

Istredd's eyebrows furrow at him. "Wow you still really didn't think you felt that way about other people including me? Up until then?" It actually is very typical Lucifer and Istredd. Istredd overthinking and obsessing and agonizing for months, Lucifer impulsively going with what seemed like a good idea at the time.

"No wonder you had a meltdown. It was upending your entire concept of yourself and our relationship in a split second." And then when Lucifer started to overthink it, it's when he panicked. Istredd was just ahead of it because he realized sooner.

"Well, I'm glad we didn't impulsively have sex that night then." He leans their foreheads together. "Still not saying you should have knocked me out."

"You do have a habit of upending my sense of self." It's not an accusation, just an observation.

"I won't do it again." Pause. "Well, I won't do it in that circumstance." He's not going to promise anything else. Things happen, and he values Istredd's life.

Aren't you glad that I do? Istredd cups his face and tilts it up, kissing his cheek, his jaw, under until his mouth trails along Lucifer's neck. Lucifer's shirt is high necked so he hooks a finger in it to pull down and get just a little more skin out of it. He's never been so bold but testing boundaries is something Lucifer is good at. So he's adopting the ability.

I can knock you out too, you know. I know you have a special beautiful archangel mind, but you let me into it.

In a normal light he might scoff and dismiss it only because every time Lucifer's sense of self gets rocked it is not quiet. It rocks through him like a quake and knocks everything in his mind out of place and picking up the bits not shattered and returning them to where they belong is a trial he's not sure is worth it. Mostly, anyway.

But Istredd accompanying the question with kissing does nicely for derailing Lucifer's normal reaction. It's almost like this man knows him, even if this wasn't on purpose. That alone is reason enough for Istredd to be the only one that knows him to this extent, but then that reassurance wasn't really for that. Istredd knows his mind, Istredd knows his true form. While the former began as necessity, the latter is something he'd never share with someone, and he doesn't see an instance where he'd allow another person to witness it.

He offers Istredd some assistance, reaching up to undo the top clasp of his outfit and pull it back.

I wouldn't doubt your skill at being able to achieve that.

Istredd's broken him several times now, he's well aware of it. Broken down walls around him until he could sneak his way into Lucifer's heart and permanently take residence. He does know him, better than anyone because Lucifer's opened up doors to him he kept closed to others. His momentary jealousy was just that. Irrational and quick and foolish. An echo of his general insecurity, when he has every reason to be confident here.

That unclasping is as clear an invitation as he's going to get and he takes full advantage, no longer playing nice, kissing as far down as he can and then licking a clear line from there all the way back up, sucking on Lucifer's pulse point down to his collar bone. The want rolls off him but it is more than desire Istredd feels, it's the need to please.

He leans forward, having been settled all this time on his lap but not pressing closer until now. You shouldn't doubt my skill at being able to achieve anything I want. It's the most confident Istredd has ever sounded in his life, outside of when talking about monoliths.

His hands move to his chest and then he pushes Lucifer firmly back onto the bed, even if it takes him away from his mouth, although Istredd follows only seconds later. Hands on either side of his head, looking down at him. "For the record. If I could be like this with your real form, I would." Nothing but the truth. He wants Lucifer. Lucifer as a being, not as a body. He knows that Lucifer struggles with image, with being stuck in this form. He found that beautiful creature Lucifer showed him attractive too. It's a very specific type of interest.

"But I'm fairly certain you said a human would die just looking." And he is only a human, if a supernaturally old and powerful one. He smiles. "I just wanted to be clear it's you."

A laugh. Who's spread the lies that I'd have any doubts like that? Certainly not me. But the level of confidence is impressive. They bring out the worst in each other sometimes; just about anyone can bring the worst out of Lucifer.

They do, however, also bring out the best in each other. That Lucifer has a best is... interesting. Something new. Or rather, something that has been buried for a very, very, near-infinite time.

And Istredd, of course, coming in strong and blipping Lucifer's thoughts. Blanked for a few seconds as he blinks up at him.

"You would definitely die," he says slowly, knowing he needs to say something before Istredd loses this flare of confidence, but Lucifer honestly wasn't expecting the comment. "Or at least have your eyes burned out of your skull, and that'd be a cryin' shame." Even Lucifer can recognize that Istredd's eyes are the best physical aspect about him. He'd hate to lose them.

It takes a moment for him to kickstart his mind again. Actual effort. There's multiple free-flowing thoughts there that hadn't been before, one particular new strand he hadn't even been realized as missing, the rest unrecognized or so much as noticed by Lucifer. Gossamer, silver threads of thought stretched across in motion as though through water. The way that Lucifer's mind is more often imagery and color as much as emotion.

He knows Istredd was attracted to his mind; he said as much, said it was what he... fell in love with first. But this, this vessel, it's as similar to a hand-me-down.

Lucifer didn't choose this the last time. Nick didn't choose this the last time. They both were forced into this arrangement and while Nick is gone, no soul to make the space seem smaller, it still feels like this body doesn't fit right sometimes. Like an itch he can't reach, a piece of clothing out of place, a loose hair you can't catch. What Crowley did to this vessel permanently changed him.

And sure, he's aware there's an attractiveness to this suit and the way he wears it but--but Istredd does know that form, didn't flinch from it, doesn't have any nightmares haunting him from it. He knew Istredd accepted it but--

But wanting it was another story.

"Get--" He's got Istredd's tie around his neck that means he loses the easy handhold, so he settles for wrinkling the smooth shirt, twisting his hand into the black and bodily dragging Istredd back down to him. Get down here.

It's because Istredd knows him that he makes that comment. He knows he struggles with the form, he's told him before, it is why Istredd asked to see it in the first place. This is the body he has to live in, and Istredd obviously desires it, he's never pretended otherwise since this started. It's just that he has always been someone more attracted to the person than the way they look. He loved Yennefer exactly as she was, her being aesthetically perfect never mattered to him.

He thinks it's important for Lucifer to know the truth and to understand the extent of Istredd's love for him. This is all new to him, every second between them is new. "Strange way of saying you like my eyes." It is a gentle tease, letting Lucifer react to what he said without any pressure. He waits on top of him too, patient, having told him once already that anything they did needed an enthusiastic yes.

Istredd doesn't even protest or care that Lucifer is wrinkling his new shirt, he immediately goes down with the tug and kisses Lucifer with the kind of heat he's been holding back. It has all been testing the waters and getting nice moments of romance and intimacy, but he considers this an opening to kiss him the way he's really wanted. Hungry and needy, exploring Lucifer's mouth.

He moves so that he's no longer straddling Lucifer, as nice as that is, to more directly slide on top of him, between his legs, not unlike how Lucifer did himself that first night. Istredd sits up partially so he can try and run his hand over Lucifer's shirt and try to undo it. To get it off he'd have to stop kissing him so he simply runs his fingers underneath to feel his skin.

As much as he is currently mindlessly collapsing into hazy desire though, Istredd finally lets them come up for air only to kiss his neck again, but this is where having a bond is helpful. Conversation always possible. If you want to stop at any time you can tell me. He doesn't want any confusion to worry him.

Edited 2023-04-26 04:21 (UTC)

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