abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

"Yes, she's very bright, I think she'll be a good addition. She found me after a class." She asked about magic and the world and there are few ways better to get Istredd engaged so he was happy to chat. Istredd's mostly only left to teach so she was smart to find him there. He is getting a little better though. Just not there yet.

Istredd didn't go to the execution because he frankly didn't want to go near Solvunn or anything Solvunn related at the time. Very irrational, no doubt about it, but he'd already drilled into Josselyn's brain and gotten some answers before then. He didn't have to watch her die. Lucifer was going to go and so Istredd spent that time in the Horizon instead. Making another crazy wall.

"I know you weren't. Someone was distracting you." Istredd was barely paying attention himself, but he did pretend that he listened to be polite when talking to John. He had no idea what he actually read. Lucifer was being very charming at the time.

He catches Lucifer's hand and holds it, running his thumb along the inside of his palm slowly. "I'm going to be okay, Lucifer." Istredd looks at him very directly. He knows he's worried. "I promise. I haven't broken yet."

She's also not human, but he doesn't mention that. Seems like she's something she's keeping on the down-low. She can come out, or into it, on her own time. At least whenever she feels like revealing it to Jack. That's the complication right there.

"Yet." He's frankly sure he's gotten too close to that. "And what happens to my brain if yours goes?" It's a low blow but maybe if Istredd isn't only thinking of his own well-being he's more likely to take care of himself.

"I have faith in you." Istredd lifts Lucifer's hand and presses it against his cheek, leaning into it, holding it there. Not faith in terms of religion, faith in the way people have with those they trust, with the people they love.

"I told Kell tonight that I can't get the credit for the ways you've changed. I encouraged you, but you put the work in." Lucifer made it happen himself and he should get the credit for it. Istredd releases Lucifer's hand after a few moments, trying not to soak in all these gestures too obviously. "If I break, you help put me back together."

"I will, but that's not encouragement for you to be reckless about your life," he scolds.

Great, awesome, he has so many puzzles to work on already, now he's got the concern of this one, and most of his current "projects" are already jammed-together crudely and imperfect.

Well. Actually. Istredd already is imperfect. That's one of the reasons Lucifer's gravitated to him. So that's. Fine. Lucifer can't do any worse rebuilding this mind.

Lucky for Istredd's he's already had a crash-course on too many people suddenly having faith in him. Him. The OG Devil. And half those people knew what he was and still had that much weight in his corner.

He did get them back.

That must mean something, right?

"We've all changed," he says, "just taken some of us longer than others." He only moves his hand to drift down from Istredd's cheek to the nook of his collarbone, pressing a thumb into the softer flesh.

"I can't believe how it feels like yesterday and also a decade ago that we were perched somewhere high after the heralds." They had slowly gotten more comfortable with each other, perhaps when Lucifer let him help with his wounds was a good step up, but that was where he could see the breaking point. And also where they first talked about change. So much has happened between them and in the world since.

He leans into his touch and steps a little closer, looking down at him, even if only a few inches. "I know you're still coping too. The people in the pit, we weren't the only ones traumatized from what happened." Trauma looked different depending on the two groups. "I want us both to be able to live without so much fear."

They may always be a little paranoid of Thorne and nervous about what it means for them, the normal amount for them, but fear has been very prevalent in their lives since this all began. It hides him inside and it makes Lucifer worried about any perceived fragility.

But having you has changed everything. I'd still be hiding under your bed otherwise.

There's a fire-flicker of fury in him. He shouldn't let it, they had a good time, it was a good night, but if he snuffs it down then it'll just fester. "Then maybe try not to sacrifice yourself again," he grinds out, dredging up the pain and panic that slammed through him when he got Istredd's message about the kids being out and overwhelmed by what he always knew was going to be the result, just as he had told Kell.

He doesn't bury the feeling but he does slump forward, dipping his head to Istredd's shoulder and taking a deep breath. I'm not the only one it affects, you idiot. You must realize that now.

They both know they have communication issues on more than one level, so Istredd isn't surprised Lucifer still has strong feelings about this. He's entitled to them. He would rather them talk about it than not. He doesn't want at any point to be waiting months wondering what Lucifer feels about him. That time is over.

He is quiet for a few seconds as he takes in the anger and wraps an arm around Lucifer's waist, and lets his other hand slide soothingly through Lucifer's hair and cup the back of his neck.

"I can't express to you how terrifying it was. More than once I wanted it to be over." It was just so constant, so difficult. He was waiting to be poisoned or waiting for someone to kill him and then waiting to bleed out or waiting to die from an infected wound. At a point it felt like enough was enough. "I almost messaged you one last time to say goodbye. I didn't want to die without telling you the truth. I know it would have been selfish though."

Leaving Lucifer with the pain of loss and discovery all at once, and nothing to do with it except wonder what might have been. It was wrong and that is why ultimately Istredd didn't do it. What would it solve, telling him he loved him at the end? Nothing but pain. He drops his head down to kiss the top of Lucifer's. I can't promise I won't be self-sacrificial again, but I can promise to value my life more. Be more careful. Can that be enough?

It makes a difference. To have value in himself. Lucifer himself struggles with that so it's hardly surprising, but Lucifer is aware that despite those struggles, he knows his absence would have an impact on others. Maybe it can't completely be enough, but the answer does matter.

I'm sorry, and that is packed with a shaking level of sincerity for someone that has only done this sort of thing twice now, that I didn't message you back that last time. That's been in some back part of his mind, the part still feeling Istredd's sacrifice, looped and tied together.

He backs up and pulls Istredd with him, sinking to sit on the bed and pull Istredd down to him. It isn't so much Lucifer getting accustomed and more comfortable with touch as it is recognizing their boundaries and allowances and being allowed to partake in something he never could and letting himself have it.

"I thought the last thing--" I thought the last thing I'd ever say to you was 'well you probably can't make it any worse' and that--wasn't fair to you, either.

Istredd sees some value in himself, he doesn't hate himself, it's more that other people always feel more important. His life compared to the kids? His life compared to Cirilla or Geralt? His life compared to the heroic Steve Rogers or Castiel? Not an even trade. It's foolish and something he knows he should work on. He wants to live but he has to stop comparing importance.

He doesn't respond right away to the apology although he does keep caressing his hair until he starts to move. Istredd lets him pull and follows without argument. When he's tugged down he does something very forward and simply climbs onto him, wanting to be as close as possible like usual. His legs pressed on other side of Lucifer on the bed, fully pressed up. But it is no more tangled than when they sleep together every night.

He cups Lucifer's hand with his face and keeps looking straight into his eyes, like he can't seem to stop or break eye contact. "It was painful," he admits. "That you were avoiding me. I would curl up in your domain with the snake and miss you. But I'm glad you talked to me the whole time too."

Even if it was reluctantly and with not the best farewell line, he did try to keep Istredd from feeling alone. He listened to him despite it being scary for him. I'm alive, Lucifer. I made it. I'm here with you. You didn't lose me.

Edited 2023-04-25 15:00 (UTC)

His acknowledgment that Istredd is here is hummed, but felt. If his hands are holding a little more tightly to the man's sides it's just what it is.

"I didn't talk to anyone outside of Thorne, except for a few coordination bits about where I'd been and where I was going," he admits. "Natasha handled all the communication cross-faction. I didn't talk to Michael or Wanda. I should've for that last one, but..." He didn't even go too far, not really.

He didn't need distractions. He was getting the work done and if someone didn't like how he was doing it, tough. Except he didn't make a pact with a dark god, but then had the option been available... who knows.

"Thorne saw a lot of each other, their worst sides. Everyone still stuck around."

That is accompanied with a quiet, good feeling.

His hands slide from Lucifer's face down to his shirt and he plays with the high collar there, one of the buckles, his hands liking to be busy with so much freedom to touch now. He takes a great deal of comfort from this. It might be a long time before it stops feeling like he's been starved.

He smiles since he knows why that would give Lucifer a good feeling. "I've told you before people can surprise you." Istredd may not be great with people, but he is observant. And he is getting better with them too. "I know you're not used to people seeing your worst side and sticking around, but we're not in your sphere. You've given them reasons to care and see past it."

Castiel tried to warn Istredd about who Lucifer had been, and he understood it was well meant, but he told him straight forwardly that Lucifer was already forthright about his dark past. He didn't care about the past. Although I did like being the special one who knew you the best. Istredd playfully pouts.

They really, really did surprise him. Lenore most of all, who he had only met once in passing and then wasn't even trying to be kind when she talked to him, and she came back. More than once. He keeps assuming she'll realize it's better to be done with him, and yet.

And Natasha, who was literally stuck in a small space with him the starving lion, not faltering and matching him point for point.

It mattered.

He plucks the folded black pocket square from Istredd's outfit and unfolds it and then refolds it into a flat, stretched out rectangle.

Istredd busies his hands with touch. Lucifer just fidgets anytime he can get his hand on something not nailed, or sewn, down.

You're still special, don't fret. No one is ever going to get to the level of 'knowing me' that you have.

Istredd isn't surprised that the other Thorne people accepted him rather than shied away. Lucifer said himself about how unique their particular group is. Everyone probably has shadows they're dealing with. They're probably all hoping to be taken on their own merits here.

He moves his hands to himself to get his tie off entirely but then he playfully puts it around Lucifer's neck instead. Istredd undoes the buckles of Lucifer's shirt because it looks like he has another one underneath, and they're supposed to be getting more comfortable anyway. They're not going to sleep in these clothes.

I'm happy you opened up to others. I want everyone to see you the way I see you. Istredd pauses and then wryly smiles. Well, maybe not exactly how I see you. He doesn't want everyone in this castle to be as in love with Lucifer as he is. That would get complicated fast.

"You're not still worried about being a placeholder, right? Have I convinced you thoroughly otherwise?"

"You've done a pretty stellar job at convincing me otherwise," he says.

He's now weaving his stolen fabric over-under his fingers on one of his hands before pressing it alongside Istredd's cheek and pulling him in for a brief, amused but reassuring kiss. He leans back completely before it can be anything more than that, both his hands to the mattress behind him, getting quite the full view of Istredd atop him.

"And you?" he tosses back, delicately for two words. Don't think I didn't notice your irrational reaction to Kyle. Kyle That Weasel.

Istredd is glad to hear that, although he doubts it's the last time they might end up talking about Yennefer. As long as Lucifer understands that this is a mutual and satisfying relationship. But it's hard to be insecure when sharing feelings so intimately all the time.

He returns the kiss and soaks it in since it's rarely Lucifer who instigates, but lets him lean back without complaint. He's being spoiled with how much Lucifer is indulging him at every turn. It's a very nice view from up here too, looking down at him lounging all attractively.

Istredd sighs at that though, rolling his eyes, although it's at himself and not at Lucifer. It looked for a second like he was going to actually kiss you in front of everyone. I think it's somewhat fair to not like that. The irrational part is he hated Kyle touching his face, kissing him anywhere at all.

"It took a long while before you let me be like this with you."

"Well believe me when I say it was nothing to get jealous over."

He likely could get away without mentioning the reason it happened, but then Istredd doesn't need any reason to feel the way he does.

"He ah..." Yet Lucifer winces anyway. "Only reason I let him that close is that he set it up as a punishment."

Again, Lucifer expected more stabbing. He rolls his eyes briefly to the ceiling and the remnants of his guilt follows with it before he makes eye contact with Istredd.

"For my nearly killing him on the mountain."

Istredd did think it strange Lucifer was allowing it which is probably part of why he reacted so dramatically. It wasn't just that Kyle was doing it, it was that Lucifer didn't pull away. But he raises an eyebrow when Lucifer starts to explain the whys of it.

He waits since he knows Lucifer is going to get around to it and he can feel the guilt so when he explains, he's surprised but it's not ultimately that shocking. "Let me guess, you were on edge because you thought I was dead and you couldn't find the kids so you overreacted when you thought someone was in your way." It's unfortunate. This does give some context to why Kyle seemed a little nervous around Lucifer or talking about him.

"Please tell me you didn't plan on just letting him stab you in front of everyone as an apology." Because for one, Istredd feels confident Kyle wouldn't do that, and for two, it's a ridiculous thing to allow instead of a real apology.

"There were acolytes involved," Lucifer adds, like that should help, like really that alone should explain the rest of the gaps in Istredd's put-together story. "He was between me and my target."

And there was already one dead acolyte at Lucifer's feet.

"A little minor stabbing wouldn't have done much to me, he knows that." Considering he slashed Lucifer. "But given we were dancing it could've been subtle enough to make a point."

He wasn't concerned for himself or a scene being made, basically.

"We're fine, anyway. I apologized to him before we left Nocwich and he took it in stride." He also never flinched when they were dancing, which was sign enough for Lucifer.

"That would do it." It does fill in the gaps. Lucifer was probably drowning on rage at that point, something Istredd is well aware he feeds from. He wouldn't be able to tell friend from foe at the time. It's not an excuse and Kyle has every reason to be upset and distrustful, no one should be concerned a friend would turn on them. But it makes logical sense.

Istredd frowns at him. "Do not let people stab you, Lucifer." That bothers him more than the idea of someone kissing him. Well, about the same level of bothering. "I don't care what you've done or that you'll be fine. No stabbing of my partner allowed." Lucifer already knows that Istredd is very protective of him. He would have probably attacked Kyle if that did happen and made a scene. So it's for everyone's benefit it didn't happen.

"I'm glad to hear you apologized without prompting though." That would be unheard of before he did it with Wilhelm. Another sign he was changing. "Kyle's smart. He probably understands you wouldn't ordinarily act that way toward him."

"It wouldn't even bruise this time," he argues, maybe just because. Considering Istredd cleaned up his wounds that one time after he was beyond exhausted and not healing right, this reaction shouldn't be a surprise.

He may be more connected to this vessel more than he has with any if them, through circumstance, but it's still just another piece of clothing for him to wear. Three-piece flesh suit: bone, muscle, and skin.

"But fine," he agrees, like Istredd is the strange one here.

He'd asked Natasha for help with the apology because Kyle was too valuable for him to just... lose. They're not friends.

But maybe they could be, one day.

"He's smart but not doing so hot at the moment. Not because of me, his own... Issues. I don't know. He might bounce back."

"I don't care. I love you and people don't get to stab you." Sure, he's the weird one here! Not wanting his partner to get violently assaulted just because it would barely hurt him. "I would have had to attack Kyle and I really don't want to, he's a friend." But Istredd would have. Not to hurt him, no doubt, but more likely to put a shield around Lucifer and force space between them. It is rare he uses magic aggressively even now.

Istredd does see Kyle as a friend. Maybe not the closest of friends, but he feels like they have been opening up to each other more. They conspiracy theory like usual, but there's real talk in there too now.

"It did seem very strange of him to do that in his right mind." Kyle just didn't seem the type. Istredd's concerned now for him. Yes he can go from thinking about attacking him to worry for a friend. They can both be real. Maybe that ends the last of his prickles of jealousy.

"None of us are doing that well, apparently."

God and Lucifer would've actually gotten between the two of them, how screwed up is his life that he values multiple people?

It's optimistic of Istredd though that in the moment he'd have been able to notice. If Lucifer thought Kyle was going to stab him, he'd damn well make sure Istredd was unaware, in this particular circumstance anyway. Others, well. He'd need Istredd to know.

"He was drinking and depressed, among other things, but I'm not going to share his intoxicated rambles."

This would have been a bad time for the Summoned to seem like they were in the middle of conflict too. So he supposes he'll have to live with Kyle kissing Lucifer's head over the other option. Whatever. A moment of jealousy is much better than anger.

That doesn't sound good at all. He nods to show he has no plans on pushing Lucifer for more details, whatever Kyle said to him can stay there. They may share most things, but it's okay for sometimes their conversations with others to stay that way. He's glad he knows that Kyle is struggling though, if only to keep tabs on him.

"I'll check in with him. That sounds very unlike him." They might not all know each other extremely well, outside of Lucifer and Istredd themselves, but it seems bizarre enough behavior to worry about. Sometimes Istredd's gentle prodding isn't better than Lucifer's, but who knows. They're a team.

"I'm sorry I was jealous. But it could have been worse. I could have dealt with my insecurity by knocking my partner out during an intimate moment." Istredd smiles oh so sweetly at him. He can bring that back up to tease him, he's allowed.

"He ran himself ragged as much, if not more, than the rest of us." Lucifer's been better about recovery given that he's been a cat basking in Istredd's presence.

Kyle's moved out and is presumably rooming alone. How quickly that happened after they got back to Thorne, Lucifer doesn't remember very well, just as he has troubling remembering Jack about Sabine.

And then, aggrieved, Lucifer groans and leans back in again, ducking his head and then flicking the woven pocket square at Istredd's face.

See, look at that, you've got way more maturity for being younger. He's not talking about the fabric, obviously, but his very panicked moment that he will never live down.

"Which I'm very thankful for. I'll test the waters." Kyle is a private person so it is unlikely he will open up easily, but there is no harm in at least trying. Istredd is fairly good at stepping carefully around others; he had to do it with Lucifer for a long time.

Istredd full out has no idea about Sabine and Jack. It didn't come up when he talked to her. Or that Kyle moved out.

He laughs when Lucifer groans and throws the pocket square at him, tossing it to the side. Sometimes he can be the snarky one. Istredd runs both of his hands through Lucifer's hair at once, mussing it even more than he already has tonight, it's practically bedhead at this point.

I'll admit, we probably should have paused and made sure we were on the same page. It was risking their friendship by letting things continue without doing so, but Istredd wasn't exactly thinking. At all. But you try being in love with someone for months and have them kiss you for the first time. I was weak. He was going with the flow. Enjoying the moment. Nervous about stopping and losing it.

"I'm not going to say you did the right thing, because then you might think you can knock me out any time." Not good! "But you were not wrong to prioritize communicating."

Edited 2023-04-25 21:45 (UTC)

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I can't remember if they've actually entirely Had This Talk but it's still a sore point so hey

mostly danced around it like usual so, tw for suicidal thoughts

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