abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Good thing for him then that Lucifer is about the fun. If ever there's a moment Istredd slips too much into thinking about processes and motion, that's when Lucifer distracts him, either with briefly taking over to spin them or a mental prod and a humorous trill.

Mmmmm... really popular musicians? He'd mentally share some rock music over their minds if he didn't think that surprise would actually trip Istredd up. Liked crazed-fan almost-cult following.

Which might make sense as to why Lucifer sought out the particular vessel, but there were several reasons at the time.

It happens a few times before he stops, because Istredd overthinks everything, but Lucifer is very good at curbing it, at least at the moment. At least he doesn't have to think 1-2-3 in his head like when he was young. "Stop it," he says after a mental prod, but he's smiling. "Before I came to Thorne it'd been sixty years since my training!"

He was very out of practice and then he barely agreed to dance since getting here, until once with Yennefer, and now this.

Oh, a bard. Istredd isn't certain there are any bards with that kind of following, but they certainly can be very successful and be paid as a royal bard in courts if they were good enough. So you were in an extroverted attention-seeking vessel. Seems a bit on the nose. He's teasing.

"Yeah, out of practice or not, I bet the practice you did have was all stiff structure. Methodical. Boring, Istredd. Courts are boring," that end part comes out in a quiet whine, but they both know he's right.

Then I was president--er, the leader--of one of the biggest powerhouses of a country. Shame that was so short-lived, but it was a good time while it lasted.

And Some Things happened. But that's besides the point.

He sidles closer into Istredd's space than he already is and whispers into his ear, "Dancing shouldn't be about what's proper. It should be a rebellion. It's reading a partner like you'd read an opponent in a fight." He turns his head just slightly. "Conversation through motion."

"I know courts are boring. That's why I was glad to get away from them." Istredd almost ended up in one for Yennefer, but luckily they were both able to follow their separate ambitions. He has some regrets, but not about that. Lucifer is right though. Very stiff and proper, beautiful when graceful, but not interesting.

I swear if this eventually leads to you trying to become King here, I am going to have to object. Not that he thinks their current monarchy is in any way good, but he thinks that would be a disaster in the making.

Istredd is not expecting Lucifer pressing in or whispering in his ear and he feels a little warm, swallowing. His head turns slightly back so they are essentially looking at each other far too close. "I'd ask you to show me but I feel like that would be dangerous." He thinks they're already playing with fire at this point.

I already told you I didn't want to be in charge of this dump. Do you know how many fires I'd have to put out? I'm still trying to grasp the political web of Thorne's cities let alone knowing nothing about the rest of Abraxas.

He doesn't really go on with words but there is an odd mental map of confusion--a literal map, even, of Abraxas and Thorne's territories--thinking of Hayle's prosperity and the so-called military power of Borrel and the absolute wreck and distance that is Nott, ignored and abandoned and still considered Thorne's.

He'll pick it apart one of these days, he just needs a few more resources.

But they are playing with fire and Lucifer takes raw joy from that. I suppose depending who you ask it does also fall in line with sex and though humans have done salacious things to the dance floor in their prime, Hayle would likely disapprove in a way that is not beneficial to either of us.

Good, because I didn't agree to be the King's consort. It is pretty funny to think about in terms of that. Istredd doesn't want to be a leader, he feels like he's reluctantly stumbled into a leadership-adjacent role and that is hard enough as it is.

Istredd is so tempted, he really is. Lucifer can be proud and take joy from the fact that the straight-laced even-tempered scholar is tempted to be very inappropriate in a public setting because of him. He thinks about it instead. He thinks very hard about how much he'd like to kiss Lucifer right there in front of everyone. He thinks clearly about their first night together before Lucifer ruined it, when Lucifer was on top of him, kissing him. Then he clears said mind.

I was really not getting I want to fight energy from you, no.

Thank everything that the song decides to end and Istredd takes a deep breath, dropping his hands from Lucifer because he really can't touch him right then.

I think it may be for the best if we dance with other people for a little while.

Honestly he might need to get a drink. Or two.

It does have a nice ring to it though... He's joking. Mostly.

Lucifer does almost kiss him, anyway, but it would be as risky as the taste they had at the beginning of the night and would not be short and sweet. He does pat Istredd's hip before parting and darting out of reach, taking one more bow, this time simply as a mark of their finale. Didn't Istredd call him a court jester at one point? Well, here he is.

Mingle, Istredd. If I don't catch it let me know if you start to falter and I'll come rescue you, it's said flirtatious, but there is a truth to it. Lucifer has no problem rudely inserting himself into a conversation and extracting the man.

He does take on a few dance partners, though Kyle following after Istredd was. A surprise. But Lenore as well he makes sure to entertain and overall he keeps his mood light and a distant awareness of Istredd. It isn't late that he parties, doesn't need Istredd turning into a pumpkin, and they end up back in their room at a reasonable hour.

"All in all, I think that was a success. No one died." That shouldn't be his measure of success, but hey.

Istredd didn't end up needing to be rescued, which was nice, although it's mostly because he is getting very good at hovering near people he knows and staying there. He is not a social butterfly and never will be. He did politely speak to some new people, including a new Summoned he had no idea about, and he was nice enough. He danced with both Kell and Lenore too, he attempted to mingle and overall, it worked out.

He had a huge spike of jealousy after witnessing what he thought was Kyle about to kiss Lucifer on the dance floor, which he was wrong about, but the sight still surprised him enough to interrupt his dance with Kell. It did make things a little awkward, since in that dance Kell was talking about how happy they looked together. Which they were. They are. So that spike was smoothed out and he didn't let it bother him.

Much.

Definitely after all of that though Istredd is relieved to get back to their room and not have to talk with anyone else, strangers or friends. "I'd ask if you gauge all social engagements by that measurement, but I know that you do." Istredd smiles and kisses his cheek sweetly before walking by. He is very careful as he takes off his lovely blue jacket, folding it delicately over the back of a chair, having promised Natasha to be careful with the clothes she picked out.

"I was feeling guilty about not greeting the new Summoned, but it turns out we only had two, and I've met them both now." So it worked out, overall.

"Did we? I honestly hadn't paid any attention. They certainly didn't make big enough a scene for me to notice them."

It is concerning though. He usually makes a point to notice newcomers. Two is easy to miss, and he kept relatively ducked low with the people he felt comfortable enough around. If there was anyone new in the dining hall at the odd hours he took food, he was mostly in a fugue state. He vaguely remembers Lenore at those hours, but not many others.

Lucifer is less careful with his own blue jacket, but hey, it was his own money, and if it wrinkles it'll only improve its look.

"But they're not your responsibility either way, Istredd."

"Yes, a young woman named Sabine, very friendly, and a Lord John Grey. He recited poetry tonight." Istredd thinks Sabine was around the party as well, so it seems they both are attempting to get out and about as newcomers. None of them were really in the mood to greet the new Summoned, so it's probably for the best they were just fine doing it themselves.

Istredd shows Lucifer both faces in their bond so he knows who the people in question are, one of the easy ways of sharing information that's second hand to them now. He undoes his tie and vest, this is the other part he didn't miss about dressing up, the layers it takes to get comfortable.

"You know better than that. When I agreed to help Rhy, it became my responsibility." Maybe not to watch out for them at all times, but it was his responsibility to be there and help them walk through the first days of being here. Help them into the Horizon, offer to teach them magic. Istredd takes it seriously. He might have a good excuse, since he has been hiding in his room or the Horizon, but still.

Be careful with that jacket, I think it's my favorite thing you own. He flirts. It's definitely the snake thing. He associates Lucifer and snakes now, it's intentional.

He blinks. Tilts his head. And remembers.

Sorry, Jack, he blanked out your attempts to threaten him. It was just so forgettable. A+ effort though.

Sabine can take care of herself.

"Oh, right, Sabine. I did meet her. She's fascinating. Got to talk to her during the execution." You know, isn't that the best time to mingle? There was some other interesting parts of that event that had nothing to do with the immolation itself.

"I wasn't paying attention to the poetry." He was highly in-tune with Istredd at the time. But he will smooth a hand over the jacket, your welcome, before he approaches Istredd.

He just barely doesn't roll his eyes but the energy when he claps a hand to his cheek gently before dropping it. "You can't be on point twenty-four seven and it'll eat you alive if you try."

"Yes, she's very bright, I think she'll be a good addition. She found me after a class." She asked about magic and the world and there are few ways better to get Istredd engaged so he was happy to chat. Istredd's mostly only left to teach so she was smart to find him there. He is getting a little better though. Just not there yet.

Istredd didn't go to the execution because he frankly didn't want to go near Solvunn or anything Solvunn related at the time. Very irrational, no doubt about it, but he'd already drilled into Josselyn's brain and gotten some answers before then. He didn't have to watch her die. Lucifer was going to go and so Istredd spent that time in the Horizon instead. Making another crazy wall.

"I know you weren't. Someone was distracting you." Istredd was barely paying attention himself, but he did pretend that he listened to be polite when talking to John. He had no idea what he actually read. Lucifer was being very charming at the time.

He catches Lucifer's hand and holds it, running his thumb along the inside of his palm slowly. "I'm going to be okay, Lucifer." Istredd looks at him very directly. He knows he's worried. "I promise. I haven't broken yet."

She's also not human, but he doesn't mention that. Seems like she's something she's keeping on the down-low. She can come out, or into it, on her own time. At least whenever she feels like revealing it to Jack. That's the complication right there.

"Yet." He's frankly sure he's gotten too close to that. "And what happens to my brain if yours goes?" It's a low blow but maybe if Istredd isn't only thinking of his own well-being he's more likely to take care of himself.

"I have faith in you." Istredd lifts Lucifer's hand and presses it against his cheek, leaning into it, holding it there. Not faith in terms of religion, faith in the way people have with those they trust, with the people they love.

"I told Kell tonight that I can't get the credit for the ways you've changed. I encouraged you, but you put the work in." Lucifer made it happen himself and he should get the credit for it. Istredd releases Lucifer's hand after a few moments, trying not to soak in all these gestures too obviously. "If I break, you help put me back together."

"I will, but that's not encouragement for you to be reckless about your life," he scolds.

Great, awesome, he has so many puzzles to work on already, now he's got the concern of this one, and most of his current "projects" are already jammed-together crudely and imperfect.

Well. Actually. Istredd already is imperfect. That's one of the reasons Lucifer's gravitated to him. So that's. Fine. Lucifer can't do any worse rebuilding this mind.

Lucky for Istredd's he's already had a crash-course on too many people suddenly having faith in him. Him. The OG Devil. And half those people knew what he was and still had that much weight in his corner.

He did get them back.

That must mean something, right?

"We've all changed," he says, "just taken some of us longer than others." He only moves his hand to drift down from Istredd's cheek to the nook of his collarbone, pressing a thumb into the softer flesh.

"I can't believe how it feels like yesterday and also a decade ago that we were perched somewhere high after the heralds." They had slowly gotten more comfortable with each other, perhaps when Lucifer let him help with his wounds was a good step up, but that was where he could see the breaking point. And also where they first talked about change. So much has happened between them and in the world since.

He leans into his touch and steps a little closer, looking down at him, even if only a few inches. "I know you're still coping too. The people in the pit, we weren't the only ones traumatized from what happened." Trauma looked different depending on the two groups. "I want us both to be able to live without so much fear."

They may always be a little paranoid of Thorne and nervous about what it means for them, the normal amount for them, but fear has been very prevalent in their lives since this all began. It hides him inside and it makes Lucifer worried about any perceived fragility.

But having you has changed everything. I'd still be hiding under your bed otherwise.

There's a fire-flicker of fury in him. He shouldn't let it, they had a good time, it was a good night, but if he snuffs it down then it'll just fester. "Then maybe try not to sacrifice yourself again," he grinds out, dredging up the pain and panic that slammed through him when he got Istredd's message about the kids being out and overwhelmed by what he always knew was going to be the result, just as he had told Kell.

He doesn't bury the feeling but he does slump forward, dipping his head to Istredd's shoulder and taking a deep breath. I'm not the only one it affects, you idiot. You must realize that now.

They both know they have communication issues on more than one level, so Istredd isn't surprised Lucifer still has strong feelings about this. He's entitled to them. He would rather them talk about it than not. He doesn't want at any point to be waiting months wondering what Lucifer feels about him. That time is over.

He is quiet for a few seconds as he takes in the anger and wraps an arm around Lucifer's waist, and lets his other hand slide soothingly through Lucifer's hair and cup the back of his neck.

"I can't express to you how terrifying it was. More than once I wanted it to be over." It was just so constant, so difficult. He was waiting to be poisoned or waiting for someone to kill him and then waiting to bleed out or waiting to die from an infected wound. At a point it felt like enough was enough. "I almost messaged you one last time to say goodbye. I didn't want to die without telling you the truth. I know it would have been selfish though."

Leaving Lucifer with the pain of loss and discovery all at once, and nothing to do with it except wonder what might have been. It was wrong and that is why ultimately Istredd didn't do it. What would it solve, telling him he loved him at the end? Nothing but pain. He drops his head down to kiss the top of Lucifer's. I can't promise I won't be self-sacrificial again, but I can promise to value my life more. Be more careful. Can that be enough?

It makes a difference. To have value in himself. Lucifer himself struggles with that so it's hardly surprising, but Lucifer is aware that despite those struggles, he knows his absence would have an impact on others. Maybe it can't completely be enough, but the answer does matter.

I'm sorry, and that is packed with a shaking level of sincerity for someone that has only done this sort of thing twice now, that I didn't message you back that last time. That's been in some back part of his mind, the part still feeling Istredd's sacrifice, looped and tied together.

He backs up and pulls Istredd with him, sinking to sit on the bed and pull Istredd down to him. It isn't so much Lucifer getting accustomed and more comfortable with touch as it is recognizing their boundaries and allowances and being allowed to partake in something he never could and letting himself have it.

"I thought the last thing--" I thought the last thing I'd ever say to you was 'well you probably can't make it any worse' and that--wasn't fair to you, either.

Istredd sees some value in himself, he doesn't hate himself, it's more that other people always feel more important. His life compared to the kids? His life compared to Cirilla or Geralt? His life compared to the heroic Steve Rogers or Castiel? Not an even trade. It's foolish and something he knows he should work on. He wants to live but he has to stop comparing importance.

He doesn't respond right away to the apology although he does keep caressing his hair until he starts to move. Istredd lets him pull and follows without argument. When he's tugged down he does something very forward and simply climbs onto him, wanting to be as close as possible like usual. His legs pressed on other side of Lucifer on the bed, fully pressed up. But it is no more tangled than when they sleep together every night.

He cups Lucifer's hand with his face and keeps looking straight into his eyes, like he can't seem to stop or break eye contact. "It was painful," he admits. "That you were avoiding me. I would curl up in your domain with the snake and miss you. But I'm glad you talked to me the whole time too."

Even if it was reluctantly and with not the best farewell line, he did try to keep Istredd from feeling alone. He listened to him despite it being scary for him. I'm alive, Lucifer. I made it. I'm here with you. You didn't lose me.

Edited 2023-04-25 15:00 (UTC)

His acknowledgment that Istredd is here is hummed, but felt. If his hands are holding a little more tightly to the man's sides it's just what it is.

"I didn't talk to anyone outside of Thorne, except for a few coordination bits about where I'd been and where I was going," he admits. "Natasha handled all the communication cross-faction. I didn't talk to Michael or Wanda. I should've for that last one, but..." He didn't even go too far, not really.

He didn't need distractions. He was getting the work done and if someone didn't like how he was doing it, tough. Except he didn't make a pact with a dark god, but then had the option been available... who knows.

"Thorne saw a lot of each other, their worst sides. Everyone still stuck around."

That is accompanied with a quiet, good feeling.

His hands slide from Lucifer's face down to his shirt and he plays with the high collar there, one of the buckles, his hands liking to be busy with so much freedom to touch now. He takes a great deal of comfort from this. It might be a long time before it stops feeling like he's been starved.

He smiles since he knows why that would give Lucifer a good feeling. "I've told you before people can surprise you." Istredd may not be great with people, but he is observant. And he is getting better with them too. "I know you're not used to people seeing your worst side and sticking around, but we're not in your sphere. You've given them reasons to care and see past it."

Castiel tried to warn Istredd about who Lucifer had been, and he understood it was well meant, but he told him straight forwardly that Lucifer was already forthright about his dark past. He didn't care about the past. Although I did like being the special one who knew you the best. Istredd playfully pouts.

They really, really did surprise him. Lenore most of all, who he had only met once in passing and then wasn't even trying to be kind when she talked to him, and she came back. More than once. He keeps assuming she'll realize it's better to be done with him, and yet.

And Natasha, who was literally stuck in a small space with him the starving lion, not faltering and matching him point for point.

It mattered.

He plucks the folded black pocket square from Istredd's outfit and unfolds it and then refolds it into a flat, stretched out rectangle.

Istredd busies his hands with touch. Lucifer just fidgets anytime he can get his hand on something not nailed, or sewn, down.

You're still special, don't fret. No one is ever going to get to the level of 'knowing me' that you have.

Istredd isn't surprised that the other Thorne people accepted him rather than shied away. Lucifer said himself about how unique their particular group is. Everyone probably has shadows they're dealing with. They're probably all hoping to be taken on their own merits here.

He moves his hands to himself to get his tie off entirely but then he playfully puts it around Lucifer's neck instead. Istredd undoes the buckles of Lucifer's shirt because it looks like he has another one underneath, and they're supposed to be getting more comfortable anyway. They're not going to sleep in these clothes.

I'm happy you opened up to others. I want everyone to see you the way I see you. Istredd pauses and then wryly smiles. Well, maybe not exactly how I see you. He doesn't want everyone in this castle to be as in love with Lucifer as he is. That would get complicated fast.

"You're not still worried about being a placeholder, right? Have I convinced you thoroughly otherwise?"

"You've done a pretty stellar job at convincing me otherwise," he says.

He's now weaving his stolen fabric over-under his fingers on one of his hands before pressing it alongside Istredd's cheek and pulling him in for a brief, amused but reassuring kiss. He leans back completely before it can be anything more than that, both his hands to the mattress behind him, getting quite the full view of Istredd atop him.

"And you?" he tosses back, delicately for two words. Don't think I didn't notice your irrational reaction to Kyle. Kyle That Weasel.

okay it was two vessels ago and Lucifer's the older brother shhhhhh

shhhh

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I can't remember if they've actually entirely Had This Talk but it's still a sore point so hey

mostly danced around it like usual so, tw for suicidal thoughts

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