abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

It's true that for all his nerves, the moment he gets started, it all falls away. Istredd has never really shown off to this extent before, to a point where he could cover an entire ballroom with illusions as easy as breathing. After all that time without his Chaos, he did need this. There is actual joy in him as he watches it all come alive, as if he remembers now that magic wasn't always about necessity. Sometimes he truly does love to be a mage. Yennefer craves the power of Chaos, but Istredd craves the beauty of it.

For someone who usually avoids attention, Istredd allows himself a good fifteen seconds or so of smiling at the applause and soaking in the approval. Then he is moving aside for someone else to take the spotlight and beelines straight for Lucifer. He did keep himself intentionally from noticing his partner, just in case, but he feels good.

"What, hiding under your bed wasn't my element?" Istredd grins at him and they're in public again so he doesn't touch him obviously. He leans against the wall next to him instead and then bumps his shoulder in a way that would be friendly if it wasn't the after now.

"I've never done that without feeling under the scrutiny of the wrong person." He means Stregobor, who taught him, whose approval of Istredd's skill was always narcissistic. "Until now." Until you.

If they weren't having a good time he'd be tempted to push the issue. That Istredd boxing himself into their room is just pushing into his own fear. He remembers how the mage reacted when Lucifer showed him his Cage, it wasn't only rage for what happened to Lucifer, but there was his own terror underneath it, and it's not the same but it's close enough that Istredd is putting himself into that.

But not here. Not now. When they get back he'll push. Even if it's just sitting high up on the walls as Lucifer still does. He's less inclined to bring Istredd with him to the Winking Cauldron.

He does not want to be put under Mildred's scrutiny.

"Unless you were secretly born a cavedweller," he jokes, "then no, it seems a bit of a stretch."

And I'd say you're still under mostly the wrong scrutiny. Ambrose has already returned to Thorne, but Jolene may still be around. She may be a winner to keep around, but time will only tell. He leans into the bump, keeps their arms pressed together, sign enough that he doesn't mind. He's listening only absently to the next performance. "Now you just have some highlights. I hope you know I'm not the only one to appreciate your talents." Oh, his ego would say he's the only one that matters, but Istredd is deserving of other recognition.

Istredd knows without it needing to be said that Lucifer is concerned about his continued withdrawal and he agrees it is going to be a problem if he can't shake out of it eventually. He is here though. He is trying. He even went into town with Kyle once, although that meant he was more withdrawn once he got back, despite it being successful. Istredd would rather not talk about it, but both of them are attempting to talk more. It is part of the deal.

"Born one, no, but did I tell you I was an archaeologist as well as a historian and scholar?" Istredd is glad their arms are still allowed to be pressed together, it's nice. Urianger and Stephen are both doing their own presentations at some point so he'll try to not be distracted for those. "I was in many digs and caves." His love of rocks is eternal.

It's an intentional scrutiny. I can hold up under it. Probably. Hopefully. Istredd has to play a lot nicer with the mages here than he would against Stregobor, to be fair. Him being the favorite meant he could call him a liar in a full room of mages and only get a gentle rebuke. He isn't about to show that attitude with Ambrose.

"Don't encourage me to get an ego, Lucifer, we'll all regret it." He runs his fingers along the back of Lucifer's hand but doesn't hold it.

"You know I don't think you did, but honestly if you said it in the beginning I likely ignored it, and it wasn't an addendum after your list of magical specialties where I tripped over your psionics mention and almost threatened to kill you if you dug around in my head."

Despite the bland statement, he is completely amused by the sentiment. He'd been annoyed and angry about it the first time he let Istredd into his head, and resigned exhausted fight when they formed the bond.

Now he's just laughing, internally full-blown, externally just quiet chuckling to not rudely interfere with the performances.

And you're right, probably not an instance Istredd would like to hear those words, you with an ego would be hard to live with.

"You didn't threaten me though, which in retrospect, is a bit of a surprise." They weren't as close then, although they were harmoniously living together and on the verge of being friendly.

Istredd tries not to laugh which is difficult with Lucifer laughing inside his mind, but it really is incredible what a vast change from that sentiment it became. I would like to point out that I never pushed to be in your mind, you always invited me in. He was perfectly polite about it and followed his promise not to dig into Lucifer's head.

Though as they both know now, Istredd is guilty of making the bond what it is now.

"I wouldn't know what to do with one, don't worry. That's why I find confidence attractive in other people." False confidence counts, since they both know some of Lucifer's is put upon. And so is Yennefer's.

"If you could've read my mind then you'd have known I definitely wanted to." He reaches up with his hand that's further from Istredd, making a pinching gesture. "Itty bitty death threats rolling around in my head." But no, the actual threat fell to the side. Given the conversation that had lead into it and that he didn't really want to vet another roommate, and that Istredd--relatively speaking--cared about boundaries unlike all of angelkind, Lucifer included... acting out just hadn't been worth it.

Although even if he had issued the threat they still likely would have ended up in the same place. Istredd shook off all of Lucifer's irregular, violent behaviors.

I'm aware, he says. Lucifer knows everything he freely gave, just as he knows the few things he's held back. Everything the light touches... What about that shadowy place way out there? You must never go there, Istredd. Lucifer's divine presence is so strong that its hard to see the shadows that do exist in his mind, and he'll keep it that way, keep them safe.

"Is that how you dress it up? Here I thought you were just attracted to trainwrecks in-motion."

"You didn't need to, I got the message. I'm glad I didn't tell you right away though, you might have abandoned me, and then where would we be now." He was safe as a placeholder as long as he was tolerable and easy. And non-threatening. By the time Lucifer knew, they liked each other better. Istredd's proven exactly why he didn't mention it by now, he is very respectful of boundaries.

I definitely fell in love with your mind first. I thought it had to be obvious when I called it beautiful. That was before Istredd knew that he was developing feelings really, although it probably should have been a sign things were headed in that direction for him. As soon as the bond happened, it was inevitable. Access to that beautiful brain at all times. Impossible to resist.

Istredd is casually referring to his love now because it's clear and they're both aware of it. No reason to be shy about it now.

"You could say that, I would say tempestuous and intense personalities mixed with brilliance and beauty."

"Why would that be obvious!" Whoops, that was a bit loud. And vocal. It gets them some glances, but mostly from locals. He should maybe be annoyed that the Summoned just easily brush it off. Logically my mind is amazing. And a surreal sight to behold. Oh, and divine, let's not forget that. His feathers are only mildly ruffled. Metaphorically. (Probably). Some things should, I don't know, actually be spelled out.

For silly little angels that aren't supposed to change or have relationships or anything like that.

Sheesh!

Now you're just sugarcoating it and I can't dance with you yet.

Whoops that was out loud. Istredd does dart his eyes to see who noticed but luckily anyone who did was back to looking at the shows. He waits until he's sure that no one is staring at them before he sneaks his hand out and takes Lucifer's, threading their fingers together like he gets to do sometimes now.

Would you have listened back then? Or been open to it? It was only a month after you said you weren't interested in people. That was before Luna and the ship, which is where things took a major turn for them, but that didn't mean Lucifer would have been receptive to his feelings. He mentally soothes Lucifer's ruffled feathers to the best of his ability.

But I put a lot of work into making sure you didn't know, so it wasn't obvious, you're right. I didn't want to ... disgust you. Or risk us. Especially not after the bond. Istredd did have to use effort to block his longing and adoration and it did bleed out all over the place, obvious to people who knew where to look. Lucifer had reacted to the idea of being interested in Yennefer with disgust. Why would Istredd be any different?

"I mean every word." About his type and the rest. "But again, a reminder, two people having similar traits doesn't make them the same person."

No, I likely would have laughed at you, he says honestly, quiet for as much as thoughts can be. He hums. Not out of cruelty, just a different sort of dismissive disbelief than the variety you did get in the end, but nothing I would have entertained.

Then Istredd continues and he does laugh, a muffled scoff. He turns, not dislodging their hands, facing Istredd completely and just out of his breathing space that maybe it could be ignored if anyone was paying them any mind, but he didn't particularly care one way or another. His other hand presses to the wall besides Istredd's head, partially obscuring his view from one side, and looks that little ways up at him. He's not used to being shorter than anyone.

You couldn't have disgusted me and you wouldn't have gotten rid of me that easily. This he is certain about. It would have been odd and maybe stunted but they would have worked around it. Maybe Lucifer wouldn't have dumped his revenge plot quite yet for Istredd, but they were friends, and Lucifer only had one other of those.

There is a minor flicker in his eyes, just the barest shift, at the mention of that last part. He does believe Istredd, but it will be a thought that comes back on occasion, like a bad cold. For now, he's mentally sound.

Laughing at me would have been the worst response. Istredd's feelings were already very delicate and he would have been humiliated by it, whether Lucifer was trying to be cruel or not. But that time I told you I'd keep you warm? Definitely the first time I tried to openly flirt with you. So when Lucifer brought it up the other day and they were in bed together moments later, it was very amusing to Istredd. At the time it seemed to go over Lucifer's head though.

He isn't the one who cares really about people seeing them, to be honest. Istredd's entire view gets taken up by Lucifer and he craves it, turning toward him as if they are in a private situation entirely. He does manage not to touch him more, but looking into his eyes this closely, it's their minds touching. He is as pleased with their emotional honesty as their intimate hand-holding.

Our friendship was the most important thing I had, something that was only mine. So it would have been everything to him to keep it, despite making it awkward. It is why he kept it to himself so long though. Why damage something already so beautiful? Why take any chance with them?

But in the pit I kept wondering what was the point of living through it if I was never going to ask for what I wanted. It is painfully sincere and sentimental, he knows that, but it is the truth, and they are trying to tell that to each other. Nearly dying is not a new way that people are forced to think about their future. But I really didn't think you'd possibly agree until the moment you kissed me.

Yeah, he gets laughing would've been bad. Unfortunately for more people than just them it is his innate reaction to things. It's called expressing one's self! Right? Right. Everyone should be happy he is so open with such a thing these days instead of layers upon layers upon layers of masks.

It's not his fault that they don't like what they get. It's just him! It's how he is!

Fortunately he's not only learning but maybe-kinda-sorta accepting the consequences of his actions, or at least noticing and processing the results within seconds instead of falling to the wayside.

(Yaaaay.)

Humans live through suffering. I've never understood it. Why waste so much time living in pain for small grasps at salvation? He tilts his head. There is a softness still to his thoughts, the rare underlining bits that Istredd sometimes gets, but the words are very much that of Entity more than the forced-upon humanity he's found himself in. I don't particularly think our friendship was worth your quiet suffering, but I'm sure you'd argue that.

Istredd always remembers that Lucifer isn't human, he never gets fooled by the exterior, by the body he knows he is possessing as a host. He may look human and start to have human-adjacent feelings, but ever since Istredd touched his mind the first time, he knows. Lucifer's mind is unique, fascinating, alien. Divine, apparently, but not human. The archangel he showed him once, majestic and bizarre, does feel more like him. But Istredd doubts he would be able to touch him in that body, so he is glad for the vessel.

The rest of the room might as well not exist to him right then. His eyes and attention are fully on Lucifer, especially since they are so close physically. He considers his answer, caressing a thumb against the outside of Lucifer's hand.

I am really not interested in salvation. Sin is frankly not in his mindset of things to worry about. His world is cruel and cold. Sin is something religious people worry about. Moral grayness is where he lives permanently. Grasps at happiness, maybe, or conviction, satisfaction, peace. I lived for years content enough in my research and discovery. No suffering there, although I suppose it would be mundane to most people. He has had extremely bad things happen to him, suffering was on him from a young age, but it wasn't only that.

With all due respect, Lucifer, you lived through billions of years of suffering. Our lifetimes are so small compared to yours, even mine. Human time living in pain? It's a blink of an eye compared to Lucifer's billions. Since Lucifer is blocking some of him from view, the other hand does what it did earlier, just runs along his scaled jacket, intimate but not out of bounds.

If I spent a hundred more years in pain longing for you, our friendship would be worth every moment of it to me. We came from different universes, we should have never met, never had this. So of course I cherish it in every form. Every word rings truly because Lucifer knows he can't lie to him. He probably could, but he'd give it away by trying to block him from seeing.

He smiles though after a second, amused. "But I am very relieved it didn't take a hundred years."

The reminder of how fleeting human life is should be reason enough for Lucifer to cut his losses. Why get invested in something that's only going to give him a temporary endorphin release and then be gone in a blink?

But then, archangels should be eternal; and Lucifer knows for a fact that He Was Not. So that true fact that his own lifetime could be limited to just a pinprick even before Abraxas is... well, maybe not enough a reminder that he should do something so reckless like try to take snatches at--at happiness for himself, but...

It does fall back into the conundrum about reaching for things he wants and allowing himself the opportunity.

The concept of "happiness" is even more removed from his thoughts than "wants."

The Future Lucifer in Michael's timeline was killed for unexplained reasons.

This Lucifer...

My kind isn't as eternal as you may think, and you might very well just kill me with kindness, Istredd. I'd say by all means, tell me more anyway, but at some point we're going to be required to mingle.

Istredd's never been on the other side of an aging dilemma, since he did try to make things work with normal humans but the lifespan would have come up eventually. It's not why anything ended though. He isn't worried about it. If all goes well, he has at least five hundred years ahead of him. If it's all spent here, so be it. Maybe what he told Kyle will be true for them too, the Summoned who live that long will be more than people that far down the road.

Happiness is new to him too. Istredd's been fine with contentment. Contentment is nice, simple, safe. The best way to spend long stretches of time. Happiness can be taken away, but oh it is too delicious to let go of.

I'll be killing you with kindness daily, that's what you signed up for. Istredd smiles and he knows they are getting more and more obvious and he never saw himself as the tacky kind of PDA person. So he resists doing anything more stupid like playing with his shirt.

I'll talk about anything you want. That is what he said this whole thing was about. Them actually communicating, and talking about nicer things is far better than not. He sighs about needing to mingle, but the timing is good because it seems like the poetry readings are over, and that means music is starting soon.

He squeezes Lucifer's hand. "You owe me a dance." He can't believe he is excited about dancing for the first time in his life.

Edited 2023-04-24 04:35 (UTC)

Oh, there are things they should talk about, things he even itches for, but he can't. So he's feeding into his own claim that they don't talk. Typical.

He's not entirely sure that's what he signed up for actually, but yes, he'll continue to bask in the good vibes and all that even if it might actually prove too much for him.

He's craved worship--what he was owed his entire existence. To find out that worship and love were two different spectrums is something he thinks their Father blatantly kept from them.

Or maybe even He didn't know. Understand.

"So I do," he says, grinning slow and only then stepping out of Istredd's immediate space, making to bow down in complete cheesy courtier nonsense and offering him a hand.

Istredd assumes that they have time to talk about any number of things, and they may come up as they go. They aren't the best at being upfront, they've both learned that, so it will take effort to break out of that habit. He wants them to try. It's a work in progress. Soon enough they'll have to talk through some conflict here and there, but at least they'll attempt to do better from here. Maybe he's being hopeful.

Right now though they are in a positive place and happy and Istredd wants to wallow in the glow. He laughs out loud at the bow and in a similar silly fashion he pretends to curtsey just to make Lucifer laugh too. Anyone watching the two of them would know that any doubts about their situation should be clear after this. They are beyond obvious.

He takes his hand and tugs him toward the dance floor. Istredd smiles at him and then pulls him close. "How about you let me lead?" Not something he often actually wants to do, due to his discomfort, but he's flirting. He does know how to do formal ballroom.

They've been sleeping in the same bed since this began so it's not like this is the first time they've been this close, but it feels intimate. And everything is new.

"Oh? Show me something of use from your court training, mm? By all means," he hums, that returned brightness its own dance between their minds.

This Hayle trip for him was nothing more than getting intel. He thinks it's purpose has more secrets than what the Summoned were told.

But dammit if he isn't going to have his own fun at this party.

He'll allow Istredd to lead but there will certainly be some Backseat Leading. Just to keep them both on their toes while being sure to not trip Istredd up.

"I am used to my dance partners being a little more petite than you so this could go very wrong." With anyone else Istredd would be too stiff and timid, taking more time to relax or never relaxing at all, but with Lucifer it's easy. And he's not self-conscious about the fact he might not be the best at this.

Because of that, he does fairly well. Being comfortable makes a difference and there are only one or two times that Lucifer has to counter a mistake he might make. Luckily there is no tripping although he may have come close once during a backseat leading moment. Istredd chuckles instead of getting annoyed and moves an arm around Lucifer's back.

Do angels even dance typically? I really can't see either of your brothers doing this.

Castiel, maybe, with the right prodding, but he's probably of the stiff variety like Istredd hismelf.

Edited 2023-04-24 23:07 (UTC)

"I can't be shorter for you, you'll have to make due and know I won't let you fail." Because he wouldn't. Forced-upon embarrassment does neither of them any favors and that Lucifer is letting Istredd lead as much as he is means the trust is mutual.

It's always hard for Lucifer to give over control in most circumstances.

Formerly? No, not really. There's always a bit of appreciation for the arts spread across them. And a vessel may have some experiences to draw from. For example my last vessel was a rockstar. A bad one Lucifer would say, but that's besides the point. And also not where Lucifer's actual skill comes from; it's all churned together from various vessels and his own dexterous fighting skills blending together in the same sense.

"I'm not worried. Not with you." He believes Lucifer wouldn't let him fail. He is much stronger than Istredd, he's not human, and he is probably far more graceful too when he needs to be. Istredd is generally more worried when it comes to people he is afraid to let down, but that is not the case in a dance for fun. Thus why he's never enjoyed dancing before. It's never been about fun.

A ... rockstar? It's not a term he understands. There are bards in his sphere, famous ones, but that's not what they're called. Also Istredd is completely unaware of them to the point if he did ever meet Jaskier, he would have no idea who he is, despite his fame status.

Music is not his forte, he's barely paying attention to what is playing now, outside of making certain they're on beat and not about to unintentionally crash into another couple if not moving in the right direction.

Good thing for him then that Lucifer is about the fun. If ever there's a moment Istredd slips too much into thinking about processes and motion, that's when Lucifer distracts him, either with briefly taking over to spin them or a mental prod and a humorous trill.

Mmmmm... really popular musicians? He'd mentally share some rock music over their minds if he didn't think that surprise would actually trip Istredd up. Liked crazed-fan almost-cult following.

Which might make sense as to why Lucifer sought out the particular vessel, but there were several reasons at the time.

It happens a few times before he stops, because Istredd overthinks everything, but Lucifer is very good at curbing it, at least at the moment. At least he doesn't have to think 1-2-3 in his head like when he was young. "Stop it," he says after a mental prod, but he's smiling. "Before I came to Thorne it'd been sixty years since my training!"

He was very out of practice and then he barely agreed to dance since getting here, until once with Yennefer, and now this.

Oh, a bard. Istredd isn't certain there are any bards with that kind of following, but they certainly can be very successful and be paid as a royal bard in courts if they were good enough. So you were in an extroverted attention-seeking vessel. Seems a bit on the nose. He's teasing.

"Yeah, out of practice or not, I bet the practice you did have was all stiff structure. Methodical. Boring, Istredd. Courts are boring," that end part comes out in a quiet whine, but they both know he's right.

Then I was president--er, the leader--of one of the biggest powerhouses of a country. Shame that was so short-lived, but it was a good time while it lasted.

And Some Things happened. But that's besides the point.

He sidles closer into Istredd's space than he already is and whispers into his ear, "Dancing shouldn't be about what's proper. It should be a rebellion. It's reading a partner like you'd read an opponent in a fight." He turns his head just slightly. "Conversation through motion."

"I know courts are boring. That's why I was glad to get away from them." Istredd almost ended up in one for Yennefer, but luckily they were both able to follow their separate ambitions. He has some regrets, but not about that. Lucifer is right though. Very stiff and proper, beautiful when graceful, but not interesting.

I swear if this eventually leads to you trying to become King here, I am going to have to object. Not that he thinks their current monarchy is in any way good, but he thinks that would be a disaster in the making.

Istredd is not expecting Lucifer pressing in or whispering in his ear and he feels a little warm, swallowing. His head turns slightly back so they are essentially looking at each other far too close. "I'd ask you to show me but I feel like that would be dangerous." He thinks they're already playing with fire at this point.

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okay it was two vessels ago and Lucifer's the older brother shhhhhh

shhhh

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